I'm at an all time low

[Heather642]

Hi.  I have been depressed for over 10 years.  It started in college.  I started taking antidepressants/sleep aids in college.  I have had ups and downs, but lately it has been really bad.  I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, to go to work, to go to the gym, to see friends, to do housework, cook, etc.... I basically just want to lie in bed all day and watch tv.  I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless.  It doesn't help that I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt because I hate that my husband has to see me like this.  I feel like a horrible wife.  I sometimes wonder if he had the choice to do it over, would he marry me knowing how things would be?  I really have no friends to speak of, save for my husband, and I literally feel like my life is passing me by.  I started having fears that I wasn't where I was supposed to be in life when I was in high school.  I would wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night with an upset stomach wondering if I was on the right path.  I graduated from college with honors, but have not really done anything significant with my life thus far.  I wonder if I ever will.  I just don't want to look back on my life when I'm old and say, "wow, i really blew it."  I'm 30 and I still have a lot of living, but I just don't know what to do with my life.  And it scares me and makes me anxious and depressed.  I think I have become addicted to TV because it is like a pacifier.  I don't know where to go from here.

[therese83]

Did you have any childhood trauma, that you haven't dealt with.  I know this is not always the case.

Try to remember back to how you were before depression, what did you like doing and make yourself do it.

[PatsyinRaleigh]

I empathize with you.  Seeing a therapist would be a good thing.  I know what you mean about not wanting to get out of bed.  That's been happening to me as well.  I have been dealing with depression for about 12 to 15 years.  My depression issues began during perimenopause and have continued after menopause.  I am now 62 and am currently struggling with "what have I done with my life?" thoughts.  

You are young and I'm sure have a great deal to offer.  Don't become "paralyzed" but take action...see a therapist.  You might also think about volunteering in your community.  I find that helping others makes me feel better about myself.

[Heather642]

Thanks for the advice.  Yes I have seen doctors, therapists, etc, on and off since college.  I even went to a sleep specialist because I was having a really hard time sleeping a couple of years ago.  About a year ago, I went to a psychiatrist who kept giving me samples of this and that and I felt like a guinea pig.  

Right now I take trazadone for sleep and klonapin for anxiety.  I'm going back to see another psychiatrist in a couple weeks.  I'm not really looking forward to it because I think doctors are just there to prescribe medicine and don't really get to the heart of the issue.

I definitely agree I need some counseling and I will do that.  I just need to find the right counselor because the ones I've seen haven't helped much.  Thanks for your help and hope you have a great day.  

[wellb]

Hi Heather,

Ah....good 'ol T.V.!
T.V. is not only entertainment for people like us suffering from Depression, but also, T.V. is like a "connection" to the outside world, (vicariously) when we feel like we don't want to face the World because of our depression. Am I correct in this?

I have finally learned to accept that I too love T.V., though I don't normally tell people for fear that I must appear to be a loner or weirdo TV lover. But actually, many many of us LOVE T.V.        :-)

I've learned to embrace my love of it , and try to watch educational programs,mostly, and TCM (old movies)  thus making me believe that there is some benefit to it! ...Hah! I also have a few of my favorite TV shows that I MUST have weekly. Like a fix. Those are my "guilty pleasures".... "Project Runway" anyone? LOL!

Anyhow, I have placed myself on a TV schedule, because I was worried that I was becoming addicted to T.V.!
You may want to do the same.

Make a schedule for yourself, a TV chart maybe.This way you'll feel like YOU have more control over the T.V. instead of the TV having control over you. It will help you to embrace your LOVE of TV so much more. JMHO.

About your Depression...well that's a more serious matter.
You mentioned that you were once on anti-depressants/sleep aids in College.

Are you still taking them?

If you're on anti-depressants, it could be that the ones you're on have stopped working. You may need a switch, or maybe just some good old fashioned one-on-one Counseling (Talk therapy) to talk things through with a specialist.

If I were you, I would call a therapist soon, or Doctor, and make an appointment to talk with a specialist about your current Depression.