Please, I need advice

[remy70]

My mom is elderly and I am the only child left. She has been depressed for as long as I remember. She has a history of being easily offended. She NEVER forgets anything or forgives anyone. Slowly she has broken ties with in-laws, friends and now her family.

Recently she blows up and screams at me about what is wrong (including things that happened 40 yrs ago) she refuses to admit she is depressed and refuses to get help. She seems to think everyone else is at fault.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel myself feeling guilty for everything that isn't right in her life. I cannot confront her as she will simply eliminate me from her life as she has done with other family members. I am finding it difficult to face this situation any longer.Can anyone give me some adice please. Thank you.

[LeftCoastChick]

Good for you Remy, doing self care is so important. Kudos!!

[remy70]

"If you are the last person she hasn't cut off, she will come around."

Thanks for responding,  yes I am the only person left to be cut off. I can't share any of this with extended family as she will hit the roof. Right now I am planning to let her contact me when and if she is ready. I'm embarrased to say it is "self-preservation" at this point.

She has always been difficult but within  the last year she has become nearly impossible to deal with. i strongly suspect something else is happening with her. It helps to know other have had issues like this. It is too easy to look at other mom/daughter relationships and be jealous. Thank you everyone for being there.

[LeftCoastChick]

She may have some slowly growing neurological issues. Alzheimer's and Senile Dementia can crop up very slowly, both can cause massive mood swings, outburst as well. Long term memory is usually the last to go. There isn't much you can do if she isn't willing to get help, even if it's depression. I might suggest something controversial. Stop seeing her. My mother is was a very egotistical, self absorbed woman, bordering on I think being Narcissitic. She was abusive to me as a child, and would just go off on me as an adult, especially around other people, demeaning me constantly. I put my foot down, I wrote her a letter telling her all the things she did. No filtering my emotions. I told her unless she acknowledged her behaviours and accepted my boundaries, I would not speak to her. After 4-5 months she called me, admitted to what she did, agreed to the boundaries. Ocassionally she has hiccuped, and I will not tolerate that , I call her on her behaviour. My mum is 87, and I told her age is no excuse for being a jerk. (she has no signs of dementia or neuro issues)  If you are the last person she hasn't cut off, she will come around.

In the end, you can take a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Set your own boundaries, don't be doormat because she isn't willing to get help. I doesn't mean you love her less, it shows that you do care.

[remy70]

I would be so relieved if she would get some help. She grew up in a generation that looks down on mental health issues. She insists there is nothing wrong, My best hope at this point is if she has to see a doc for some reason and he notices her behavior. In the  meantime I am available to he if she calls but I am not going to approach her.

[ILADVOCATE]

Depending on how she is doing it might make sense to step back. If she needs help immediately then it would be essential for her to see a psychiatrist regardless. But if not and there is an emotional conflict involved let that settle and then speak to her afterwards. That's a judgment call but think of what's going on with the rest of her life and see from that. Avoiding you and having angry outbursts may just be part of a conflict or may be a symptom of depression that will get worse over time or both. Think about it but realize she eventually needs help but one thing that's best to do although its hard is not to emotionally react. She really doesn't want to be acting this way and after she gets help and treatment her outlook on life will change. Do support her and if you need some time to step back that's fine. Just don't take it personally in an emotional manner however hard it is. I've been through this myself so I personally know.

[remy70]

Thank you both. I am not familiar with this board so I don't know if I am replying correctly.

I am afraid all the stressing will shorten her life. I have mentioned seeking help in the past and she gets angry and refuses. I once called her Dr., he told her and she got mad. I am trying to be supportive, to listen, take her out and check on her. On Sunday she told me there is nothing to do and nothing to talk about and she refused to see me.

The outbursts are becoming more frequent which frightens me. I feel like I need to step back and allow her to call me if she wants to see me. I don't know what else to do. The constant blow-ups are starting to take a toll on my me. I guess it would be fair to say that problems like this don;t get better as you get older.

[ILADVOCATE]

She should speak to a therapist and perhaps a psychiatrist. It potentially sounds like depression and perhaps more but a psychiatrist should diagnose it. Don't be confrontational but be supportive and certainly speaking to a talk therapist would be good regardless but if she has depression a psychiatrist would be needed as well and anger can easily be a part of depression. That's a common way it manifests itself. Depression is not just "feeling sad". Cutting off contact from people is always of concern in a person and this can be one reason. Be supportive of her in recovery regardless.

[mommy123926]

i think some things may have gone wrong in her life like she may need closer on some of those things but being angery all the time is not the answer she may need to here somthing like mom things are not s bad as you think they are im here for you .or mom im on your side .she sounds like she may need help bu my mom wouldnt get help either and now she is no longer with me
does your mom know that all that yelling and stressing out is killing her maybe you need to let her be alone for a while and she might come around hope this helped alittle