what will i do now.

[bell124]

ive been to see my therapit today,ive been going to see her twice a week for about 5 months now,she told me she can now only see me once a week,i feel i havent come on much in that time because i lost my two children to suicide.i dont have to pay her she gives soe of her time to help people like me along with other therapits.were i go,i could never pay for what i get we only have to give what  we can when we can.and thats the worst thing about it ,because she is takeing one day from me and going to an other place.i have become suicidal myself over loosing my children,iv told her people dont listen when you tell them your suicidal,she told me she would listen,i know only to well people like me need her help to,but just when were getting started she is cutting my time,im a bit angry right now over it, or am i been very ungreatfull i dont know because my head is all over the place right now,and i am afraid my depression will get worse.i feel like not back to her, dont get me wrong she is one of the nicest people you could meet i suppose one good thing will come out of it i can go back to my bed when my 11 year old son goes off to school .

[bell124]

hi jessie ,i would like to tell you about my daughter ,you sound just like her ,she had all the sings of what you are going through yes she would hurt people ,she would cry so much that i wished i was dead,you see two of my children died by suicide my son 24 and my daughter of only 17 yes your age i miss them so much i wished i was with them not a day goes by but i wish for them back.but my other daughter still hurt us and yes she got a bit paranoid but she was so depressed because her big brother and little sister died i know you dont want to hurt the people you love in that way.no more than my daughter did ,but she was suffering and on matter how i felt about my two other children i still had her ,and my 11 year old son to look after,so i took her to our g.p. only when was ready,he was verry good with her he put her on antidepersants and sent her to see phychotherapist the best thing he did she is doing good now i thought i would loose her aswell to suicide,what im trying to say is there is something wrong if you are going on like that ,so if there was some one like mam or dad or even a friend could go with you to see g.p.he will look after you .please stay in touch look after yourself and god bless.

[bell124]

hi venora thank you for getting back so quick.i have been to the hospital ,one time when i was really bad my therapist told me i would have to go and talk to someone, she went with me she told them i was suicidal ,at a.and e.they told me i would i would have to wait but not for long ,so i said ok after one hour my therapist had to leave me i told her i would be ok ,but 6 hours later i siad im not sitting here any longer they dont care ,so i took pills i had in my bag.next thing i remember was a nurse putting a drip in me and the shining a light in my eyes and that was that.it wasvery late that night when i came to ,the hospital psychiatrist spoke to me i was still a bit out of it ,he told me the people in the hospital suffer with depression like i didnt,he sent me home and gave me an app to see my own psychiatrist at 11 the next momorning ,i was so down in myself the way i was treated,when my own psychiatrist didnt even want to know me after that like i was a bold girl and handed me back to my g.p.my therapist went mad when she heard what way i was treated at the hospital,she felt that even she wasnt beleived i told her now you know what its like.venora i am trying my best beleive me i have gone for help but i feel they are turning there back on me and they know i have young son ,it is my son thats really keeping me here ,only for him i would have takeing my life after my daughter,but when i feel suicidal i get so affraid of what i might do knowing that my son will left whitout a mother,can i ask you what help did you get to over come suicide,because my psychiatrist told me suicidal thoughs would never leave my mind . i just wonder if a yonger person would be treated the way i was or is it because of my age ,i know i have lived half of my life but as you say i do still have a young son to still take of ,anyway thank you for listen to me .

[bell124]

hi venora ,i tryed to get back to you i kept hitting wrong buttin so i gave up ,this is another day and i will start again,i went to the hospital one time when i was feeling suicidal i went with my therapist when we got there she told them i was suicidal ,after an hour she had to leave me sitting in a and e.,i sat there for another 6 hours,i couldnt take much more after that i thought they dont care to leave me for 6 hours in a wateing room,on my own i thought they forgot about me ,so i took pills i had in my bag the only thing i remember was a nurse sticking a drip in me some hours later i came to i was still out of it .then a psychiatrist had a few words with me ,told me i could go home and i was to see my own pcychiatist at 11 the next moring ,i thought is this the way my daughter and son would have been threated ,i could have finshed my self of when i got home only my husband was with me at home,i felt so stuipd and very depressed,i went to see my psychiatist after that and she didnt want anything to do with me ,she told me she was handing me back to my g.p.belive me i am trying my best to be here for my son and allthey do is push me from piller to post,none of them want to know ,i just wonder if a younger person would be threated in that way as i said before on wonder so=== many of them take there lifes ,i have been put through the grinder and back with them,i would like to know what the hosp did for you because they did nothing for me,only made me feel worse.anyway thank you for takeing the time to get back to me that meens a lot i would like how you are doing now and what help did you get because i am trying my best to be here for kevin but most days i wish i was dead.

[Venora Moonwind]

If the suicide thoughts wont  go away please get yourself to the hospital. They will help you get through th worst of it. I have been suicicdal myself 3 different times and I knew in my heart of hearts I Couldnt do that to the family that loves me so I went to the hospital to get help. think of your 11 year old and think of what he must be going through as well. He is going to need you as much as you need him.   Please take good care of yourself. eat healthy and try to go for nice 30 minute walks . Maybe even take your son with you. It will help raise your seritonin levels and raise your mood.
take care my friend.
Love Venora

[bell124]

hi venora.im sorry i didnt get back to you sonner,no i havent kept a journal ,i was thinking about it doe,i hate when i get angry because i turn it in on myself,nobody gave my son and daughter,much help,and i feel its happen to me and not only that but i know just how they felt before they died,they felt so alone just like i feel now.my little irish dancer and friend is gone and my first son,and do you know what, they; wonder why there;s so much suicide in this world,i have all ready o.d.twice and the help im getting is been halfed.i cant help the way i think or feel my therapist tells me its my depression talking .but that depression is in me,and it was that same depression that killed my children.you just cant tell it to go away,we need people like my therapist to help us to do that,but if our time is cut to one hour a week and with suicide on our minds we have no chance at life again.thank you for your prayers,mybe at the end of the day a prayer might be better.please do keet in touch.

[Venora Moonwind]

I am so sorry for your loss of your children. I lost a good friend to suicide earlier this year and that was traumatic enough so I can cnat even imagine what you are going through.You are in my prayers.
Have you been keeping a journal. It is a good way to express your emotions and to be able to get them out of your head and onto paper gives alot of relief.
I know it will be rough to be able to see the therapist once a week but dont give up on it.
go ahead and express your anger in a healthy way I am sure you are feeling much anger and guilt and that is normal considering what you have been through.
PM if you need to talk to someone .I will be there to listen.
again you are in my prayers. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
Love Venora