why does this happen?

[louise65]

i have alot of bad stuff going on in my life but alot of good stuff too. then a bad day hits, a really bad day, often triggered by something and i start to feel suicidal even though im able to rationalise that it will pass. i able to make it through these days with some pretty hefty meds(i also have an opiate addiction). so between that and my psych meds i will pass these days in a haze and hope they dont hit again too soon. it just feels like it shouldnt be normal to feel that ending it all is a viable option. am not making too much sense so wil sign off fo now. just wondered if others feel the same?

[louise65]

hi, admission came yesterday in a huge flurry of activity and she was taken in as an emergency for medical stabliisation, shes in a kids hosp but has a nurse from the eating disorders unit with her 24hrs a day, in her room, and she will be transfered there once she is stable from a medical point of view. i cant begin to explain how hard it all was, i know logically that she is in the right place but part of me cant accept it, i feel like i knew she was ill but not that ill surely. am having trouble coping which is being compounded by the fact that i ran out of meds and am in early withdrawal, will be able to put that right later, maybe nows not a good time to quit.i dont know what to do about anything, i feel so lost, love louise

[louise65]

thx florena, i know your right but she is so thin, so frail, and so unwell it frightens me.the edu is good and today we start having most of our therapy seperatly with time together at the end so i quess i will be able to get some support. actually theyve been good its more the medical/diabetes side of things that feels threatening. im having a hard time coping with a new job, bought a new house and having moved countries only 3 months ago, was in oz for 7yrs,and all this with my daughter i suppose its no wonder i feel like i do but its hard when it hits, i find it immobilising.have a good doc and am on meds for depression and anxiety, tempted to take too many on days like today to be honest. i understand logically that admission does not represent punishment but i cant help feeling that if they do it i have failed. sorry to go on, thx for listening louise

[ParamedFlorena]

Your daughter is going to get professional help. They are going to present many solutions and coping techniques to you too. It can give you your daughter back.

I think when I was admitted for two weeks it was the worst 2 weeks of my life but I learnt an endless great deal of things about myself and my parents and my parents learn just as much about me and how to help me.

It takes a lot to lose a child. She is your child. She loves you, you love her. Right now it's maybe not so very obvious that she does love you - it is clouded by the chaos she made for herself.

How much do we really have to talk about the food, was one of the questions I asked being there.
The answer was not really given right away but I have understood afterwards that the answer was:
Why NOT use the conversations about food and emotions as a way in to the "emotionality".
A psychotherapist uses YEARS of life to educate. It takes 2 hours to learn how to use a calori-table. It's boring, but useful. The one who has an eating disorder feels like a stranger to herself. That's why it is important that she knows you're there, as one that is not a stranger. They will strive to NOT take her away from you.

The therapeutic role is not to say: "Do it this way."
The therapist will and do come further by presenting options:
"If I suggested you to do like this, how would that be for you? Do you think you'd make it? Are you willing to try?"

I'm going to return to the question she one day most likely told herself, and might meet again:
Who is she - who does she want to be?
The grand target is to fill the meaning of "she" with clear contains.

To be admitted it not a punishment. It is help.
Stay in touch with them now before she's admitted, cooperate with them. They will give reasons and treatment plans and they aren't going to treat only her as a patient. They are going to help YOU as a parent too.

Florena

[louise65]

if they take her i will not be able to go on

[louise65]

i had a read of your journal and it was very interesting, thx. am having one long panic attack today, had to call diabetes dept to reschedule her appt( have already taken today off to get her to the ed unit) and was met with hostility by a nurse who has never met me or my daughter who basically said, not good enough, we have grave concerns for her health(yeah me too!!), what am i supposed to do? im a sole parent, i have to work. keep having anxiety about the authorities removing her, probably not going to happen in reality but i cant seem to rationalise my way out of it. am struggling so much, i have depression problems of my own and this is just making it all worse. i love my daughter and try to do the best for her, the implication is its not enough. i think because she has a dangerous dual diagnosis things could get out of hand fast and i will be left with a kid stuck in hospital for months on end. sorry just needed to off load, louise

[louise65]

thx florena, i will check it out in a mo and get back to you, hope your well, talk to you soon louise

[ParamedFlorena]

I hope you're feeling ok! I finally got a bit on the way with the entry....

>> http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/10628
Please ask if you sit back with more questions!

Best wishes!

[louise65]

thx florena, i do go to the substance abuse forum and will definitly go back when im ready to quit. let me know more about the article your writing, bye for now, louise

[ParamedFlorena]

I'm working on writing an article on the eating disorders. I've had it for a while but it's not translated. I just wanted to stop by here now before I leave for the sea-food party tonight and tell you that you're definitely not alone!

Have you considered the Substance abuse support forum? I mean..... you could really find some re-encouragement there too.

Thank you for sharing so much. I do really appreciate talking with you!
You are not alone!

Florena

[louise65]

the black mood returns as if from nowhere,it just descends and envelopes me, i hate it so much, and its back again. i dont have the energy to argue with it, i end up popping some extra meds to knock myself out till it goes. i know this is counterproductive but old habits die hard. it feels like a very physical thing, a pain, a heavy burden, i find it very hard to explain.im overwhelmed by the problems in my life at times and not being able to find someone in the same position makes the isolation worse. i go to the parent support group for anorexia but alot of it i dont relate to as my daughter has other means at her disposal eg. insulin ommision and at this very moment i can hear her opening her laxative bottle to have a bunch of pills again, i cant fight her right now, she has to want to get better herself which she clearly doesnt at the moment, she fights the therapists at every turn. im tired. im sad. im lonely.im not coping.

[louise65]

hi florena, thank you for sharing your story with me, its amazing that you had that"light bulb" moment and sorted yourself out, well done, you should be proud of your accomplishment. i live in the uk, i have my daughter who lives with me she is 16yrs old. she has had juvenile diabetes(insulin dependent) since she was 9 and she has now developed anorexia, a lethal combination. she is being seen at the eating disorders unit and i think its only a matter of time before they admit her, she knows this so fights me tooth and nail every time she has appointments. its pretty tough watching her fade and not be able to stop it, yesterday i caught a good view of her naked back and was nearly physically sick on the spot with pure anxiety. i would be really interested to hear about your eating disorder, it might help me to better understand her,thats if you dont mind.i am tapering off my drug use, some days i do well but some days not, esp when i feel like i felt when i posted the other day. its been a long term problem for me so i quess getting off will have to be a long term aim.it would be good to wake up in the morning without your first thought being wheres my pills at!! hope to talk again, take care love louise

[ParamedFlorena]

How I broke the addiction... Want to hear the story? ...

My daughter had her cousin to visit for about a week, 2 years ago. They're 4 months of difference in age, and you know how kids being 3-4 years old play. They are pretty organized. Oh well, enough about that!
They decided they wanted to play "mom, dad and kid". My daughter found a blanket, dived down at the couch and started snorring. Her cousin asked: "But what are you doing?"
Her reply was: "I'll be mom."

It made me realize how serious I was starting to get about the addiction. The only thing I did was to work, sleep and pop the pills to alter myself.

It motivated me to start doing something. I cut the pills without wondering. It was tough and I stood in front of the medicine locker about 67 times a day convincing myself I was ruining everything I had if I took one more. I admit that I had to just run out of the pills - it wasn't easy to avoid taking them as long as I had them in the house. Codeine, I don't know what it does with one physically but soon it felt better to breathe and my heart went even on the beats too. Thinking was so much easier without the pills!
I don't know... I still have a horrible sleep-pattern and lying there at night I wonder how it'd be to sleep with sleeping aids but it's not getting into my home with my hands. I know that if I get anything stronger than 500 mg paracets into the house it'll weaken me. Opiates are probably a bit different. I don't know how it is to stop that cold turkey! It maybe is difficult to reduce slowly since you do have the whole pills but never forget that a body works best without medical substances in the body.

My daughter turns 6 years - in just a couple of months she begins school. I want to be there for her then! I just today heard that I'm going to stress my butt off with two jobs this summer so... um... hurray? I can still enjoy my 5 minutes in the morning being "free from thoughts" as I wake up!
I'm a - laugh if you like - "hobby-hindu". At least I lend the meditations, believe in chakras, never started on yoga, but I believe very much in the basic energy that our body has. If we keep the negative energies, it takes important space from the positive energies.

I've got a journal entry with positive affirmations that helped me then, still helps me now. At times it is as if you've got to programme my brain to sap out!

I had a major depression 14 years ago - eating disorders, complicated grief, teenage depression de luxe. It was after 10 years minimized to "seasonal affective disorder". Now? I don't know. I am free for now, and I refuse to dwell much more at it before the nights get shorter and darker. I am pretty determined to live life right now. In the present. Enjoying the moment. There are key-moments throughout our days, and those key-moments can be used positive!

Hold on to those. It's good to hear from you again. While some people appear to "sail through life", others might seem to wearliy continue to struggle from experience to experience and event in life. We may never know why this happens, but there is absolutely no reason to pretend that it doesn't happen. Even the smoothest journey through life can bid on challenges and everyone has feelings, emotions and thoughts around it.

Every situation is unique. Every human being is unique. Tell more about yourself. Where in the world do you live?

Florena

[louise65]

hi florena, thats a lovely name by the way, pretty and unusual. thanks for your kind words, and fortunatly today ive woken up without that pit of despair in my stomach.i think alot stems from an admission i had with severe clinical depression,i was completely unable to cope with anything, even having a shower, eating, etc and although this is now about 4 yrs ago a part of me becomes very afraid that im going to fall off that cliff again, which is what it felt like when it happened.
how did you overcome your addiction? well done it is no mean feat and you did it. i also need to do it and have been making strides into reducing my use, slow but sure.
my best therapy is meditation but between one thing and another i havent been doing it for ages, i will get back on track with that, thats a good plan.
thank you florena for taking time to drop me a line, it helps, it really does. hope to hear from you again, love louise

[ParamedFlorena]

I'm glad to hear you can rationalize. There are good nudges and worse nudges. Somehow I am starting to think it's a fear of having to face the same every day. I was having a codeine-addiction. It's so easy to just pop a pill and let the rest depend. It's not helping at all, trust me! Without the pills you're standing more free and able to fight rationally.

When you have good days, enjoy them. Know that they'll come again. Changes do happen!

I was beginning on a low tonight, but my best therapy is: Rock. Music. Bathing in the lyrics. It maybe sounds like a very simple technique but it is a savior in the moment. Hang in there! I know it's really easy to start anticipating the worse days, but never forget that you can actively change it to "coping in the better days" and bring the coping with you to the worse.

Please check back. ((HUGS))

Florena