What to do.....

So, we live close to my parents and my husband has come to resent that. They have come to visit during the summer frequently when they went out on walks. I get very nervous now when I think they may come and hurry and get the kids and find a reason to go somewhere (to the park, to town, anything). I love him very much but I am really out of patience with this issue. He is pushing moving to another state, however, I don't feel comfortable with that as he has become a job jumper. He has had 4 jobs over the past 5 years. No matter what I do it is never good enough, I feel. I have considered counselling, but with his schedule he would never be able to keep an appt. He doesn't care for my sister's boyfriend, so I am made to feel like I am not allowed to see her either and he has a weird grudge against my 6 year old niece. He acts like my 6 year old son isn't even allowed to talk to her. If any of there names are mentioned around my husband it makes me very uncomfortable like there is a fight about to start.  Any suggestions????

[specialmom]

Okay, so what is wrong with your husband?  Seriously.  Why would someone not like grandparents to visit and spend time with their kids?  It would be selfish in my mind to NOT want that.  

Did they fight?  What is the issue?  Otherwise I am going to just think there is something psychologically wrong with your husband and wonder what other areas he is overly unreasonable and controlling in.  He's isolating you and I'd not allow that.

I'd not put up with this.Nope.  And if it is his temper that you are afraid of in terms of his reaction to your famiily being around, big problem.

I'd suggest counseling and if he doesn't show or won't go, well----  go from there.  Maybe this will be saved or not but I feel like he has a psychological issue of some sort.  Is he depressed?

[unloved]

I have to think that a lot of it came from his upbringing. I half think sometimes it is maybe jealousy or something because his parents don't come to visit and hardly call. His parents are both selfish in their own ways and my parents are the total opposite. I adore him and this is like the only major issue in our marriage. He works long hours right now. Like yesterday was 5am start and worked until 1am this morning because one of the trucks he was driving broke down. I am a little hesitant about counselling, because I don't really know what to say. I sometimes just blame it on myself and keep going. Most recently I have had a little more back bone and done things anyway. I am not going to have my kids missing out on their grandparents or anyone else in my family.I adore his family, faults and all, and would never stop my kids or him from spending time with them. I have a good relationship with all of his family....mom and boyfriend....dad and stepmom..... Life is too short.  It is ok for us to go to his parents house for hours on end, but if I want to stop in because my mom invited us for dessert we can't. We went up with the intention of stopping but when he saw my sis's car in the driveway he said no we are not stopping. That issue is over my sis's boyfriend. He was wrestling too rough with our boys a while back and hubby's held a grudge.  I am not trying to trash talk him. He is a great dad and husband. It is just this family issue....... I just don't know.......thanks for making me feel like I have a friend..............

[specialmom]

Well, I feel bad for you hon.  That is really unreasonable what he is doing.  
I'm thinking he is depressed.  Really, I mean that.  Of a clinical nature in need of medication.  He is having issues keeping a job which might make him insecure and have low self esteem so he is afraid to be around your family due to that OR he may have job issues due ot underlying depression.  

But that he is controlling you this way is really ridiculous in my opinion.

I'd not let him hinder things at all that you and your kids do with your family.  

At the very least, I'd tell him "guess what dear.  You don't have to go.  but the kids and I are going for dessert at my moms.  Come if you like, you are more than welcome ----  but we are going."  End of discussion.  

I'm trying to read between the lines.  Why do you walk on egg shells around him?  Does he have a temper or freeze you out?  

[unloved]

I am non confrontational and don't like to "stir the pot". However, it is affecting me by causing me to become depressed and feel alone sometimes. Like, how do you live in a house full of ppl and feel so alone? He has never done more than raise his voice when we have a disagreement. He tried to leave me when I was pregnant with our second son. Left me a note at 4am about how I could blame it on my mom and yadda yadda yadda. I went and found him and we had a talk. Then last Sept he had thoughts of leaving again. I do think it is him. I do understand wanting privacy and not babysitters in my parents, but I also feel the need to recognize that they won't be around forever. Thanks for your understanding and advice.  I just don't want to deal with this now, then after my parents are gone totally resent him...........I have thought about leaving him, but it always comes back to the I love him with all my heart, and I don't wanna take the kids' dad away.

[specialmom]

Well, I can't really understand what his issue is with your parents.  My mom is gone and I'll tell you that my husband would LOVE a free babysitter.  Why is he against them??  What happened to cause him to not want to be with them.

Here is what concerns me.  You are acting like an abused partner.  You are allowing him to make you unhappy due to his unreasonable demands, opinions of your family, etc.  because you don't want a confrontation but then you say he hardly raises his voice.  I'm my husband's equal----  MY feelings matter.  Not just his.  

I have a friend that had a difficult situation with her husband.  He may or may not have cheated on her one night right after they had their first child.  She confronted him on it and he called her psycho, blew up at her.  She told him to leave so she could think.  He left.  Then after four days, she called him back and BEGGED him to come back to her as he was responding "hey, YOU kicked me out, now deal with it."  Remember, he stayed out all night with another woman (which was fact) but he says he 'blacked out' from drinking so doesn't know if they head sex and yet . . . she was crying and begging him to come back.  Well, fast forward 10 years and she STILL walks on egg shells with the knowledge that he could leave her easily.  Ugh.  I'd not live that way.  I'd rather have an EQUAL AND FAIR  relationship in which my needs were met and my husband leave me than to have him make unreasonable demands of isolating me from my family.  

that is just how I feel about.  

So, I don't think you have to leave him or take the father away from your kids.  But I do think you should be an equal adult here and be able to take your kids to your parents ANY TIME you want to.  And they should be able to visit you without you feeling like your husband disapproves.  Remind him that it isn't about him, it is about the kids.  If he chooses to leave you for having a backbone or say in things, then he already has one foot out the door anyway as that is silly.  

Anyway, off my soap box.  LOL  Hopefully I didn't turn you off with my tough talk.  I just want you to stand up for yourself and really, what is best for your kids (to have a cohesive BIG family unit).  Back to my main question----  what happened between your husband and parents?  

[ku111]

I have in-laws that live a couple of miles away and I have been married for 20 years.  I have tried over the years to get a long with my husbands parents and well, it just didn't work out.  They just simply are not nice to me.  But, my husband and sister n laws agree and understand why I avoid situations.  His mom is well, difficult. LOL!  That being said I would never tell my husband when he could see his parents.  I have never kept my kids from them.  They can go and I will find other things to do.  My husband does not have the right to tell me when to see my parents and I would never in turn do that to him out of respect.  His parents are not bad people they just don't care for me and that's ok.  It's mutual. LOL!  Parents love you just as much as you love your own children and always will.  Sounds like your parents and family are good people.  I would stay as close to them as possible.  Mine live a state away and I am alone with no support.  I wonder what would happen if you put your foot down about your family?  How would he react?  

[unloved]

There have never really been any major issues between he and my parents. We married young and they begged us to wait, but it was nothing against him. They tell me what a good dad he is and they have no idea that any of this is going on. I have started to be more firm and taking baby steps toward doing some of it my way. When I did this before he would get upset and kind of be crabby towards us when we came back. The past few weeks have been better, if my mom calls I don't get the dirty looks anymore and when I hang up, I don't get the silent treatment. I guess like you said, I'm gonna keep growing my backbone and well, whatever happens, happens. I have prayed for God to soften his heart toward my family for years and seemingly no response, so apparently that is not God's plan for now? If you are a praying woman, please pray for us. :) Thanks for taking the time.

[unloved]

Well, we are about to find out how he is gonna react cause I am tired of living my life like this. Life is too short and I've wasted many years with this. I give you props for how you deal with your situation. I sometimes think a fresh start in a new area would be nice. We live in a small town and it is very deteriorated right now as far as jobs and opportunities for the kids. My objection to moving is that I am not moving and then he still be dissatisfied. It would be a hardship for us to move being that we have a house and I own the property it sits on. I wouldn't want to take on more debt and I am not interested in selling, so......:)  Thanks for sharing!!!!

[specialmom]

He manipulates you through silences, pouting and being grumpy.  To keep him happy, you have avoided your parents a bit.  This just is not normal and no way to live.  Your husband sounds like he has a psychological problem.  I'm serious.  Nothing happened for him to dislike your parents and his not wanting you to be close to them is so irrational and unhealthy.  And frankly, wrong.  

I am wondering what other things you are manipulated to do or not do.  This relationship sounds slightly dysfunctional to be honest.

If he won't go to counseling with you-----  I suggest you go on  your own.  That too will be met with disapproval but I think it is essential for you to figure out with the help of a professional how it got like this and what you can do about it.  

I really wish you luck.  I'm sorry if I am being firm.  but it upsets me.

[Londres70]

Once again, Specialmom's insight is great; I would totally agree with her.

I have I sister that lived this way too.  She is 10 years older than I.  Well, her husband attempted to isolate her from us for YEARS.  This started day #1 of their marriage.  There were "ZERO" problems between him and us. We hardly heard from her; hardly any visits or phone calls.  When her husband thought that she was calling us too much he would change their telephone number.  They would move quite a bit as well.  Seemed like as soon as too many of her friends or family would come by to see her, they would move again.  He had a COUNTLESS number of jobs over the years until he got very ill and couldn't work anymore.  As an teenager and young woman, I sure would have enjoyed having a relationship with my older sister; I missed all that.  

Well, after all these years, her husband died.  My sister and her children are like strangers to us.  She is SLOWLY coming out of this way of living.  This is NOT the big sister I remember at all.....she is so changed by all this.  

Don't let someone snuff out the relationship between you and your family.  This might be the ONLY major issue you all have in your marriage, but this is an issue affecting your life in a big way with dire consequences.  

If he is not able to go to counselling, you can.  I would recommend that you go solo and get a professional's point of view about all this especially since you are suffering from depression related to this.  Depression can wreck havoc on your mind as well as your body.  

Depressed, feeling unloved and walking on "eggshells" is no way for anyone to live in order to make someone else comfortable and happy.  

[unloved]

I am starting counselling soon with my pastor. I am just ........well, stuck........I don't even know what to say. I adore him, but I don't like the person that I am becoming through all of this. I am a  people person and very outgoing would give someone the shirt off my back if I thought they needed. Well, opposited attract, because he isn't so into giving. I just don't know. It can only go one of two ways. Better or worse, but either way I am about done living like this. Giving it all to God alone is all I do for outlet, but it is on my mind 24/7 lately. There isn't a person to say it outloud to, so after about 5 years of dealing on my own, I am kinda worn out on the subject. If that makes sense............all probably sounds stupid. I probably shouldn't have even written anything here. I was just kinda testing the waters "saying" it out loud to a human rather than my heavenly father who listens no matter what.

[unloved]

Yes, she does have good advice.:) Thanks for your input, too. My husband hasn't changed any numbers or anything of that sort. It just gets very awkward sometimes. I am actually going to start some counselling sessions with my pastor as a first step. Time will tell what is going to happen. We have been married 14 years in June. It has been like this for about 5 or so...........can't undo it over night, but I'm gonna try to get this resolved. I can't live like this anymore.

[Londres70]

My sister's situation started off just like yours and gradually got more and more extreme over the years.  

Good you are going to start counselling; you will need it to help you to cope with this.  

[teko]

My first impression was to think your parents might call before popping in? That is the respectful thing to do on either side I think, but then I kept reading. Your man sounds like a control freak. HE does not  get to decide what a grown woman can do, what and when and where she can do it or who she can talk to. Not acceptable and if you dont relay that information and stand your ground on it, you will be isolated from anyone who means anything to you, which is what it sounds like to me anyway. And if he cannot keep a job? Well! What the hell is he worth anyways! This is 2012 and women are not possessions and especially a possession of a deadbeat that cannot provide and tell you how to live and think on top of it. imo