Spouse has addictions

[Rose167]

Pain pills, illegal substance and porn. He doesn't work bec of an injury only I do. We have no connection anymore. I found his stash tonight that he's been hiding. He waits for me to go to sleep then uses and watches porn all night. On top of that he tells me he's in so much pain and is always popping hydros.  I can't do this anymore but I can't lose my house and have nowhere to go. He has always told me I'm never going anywhere.  I belong to him. I believe that I don't know that I can get away from him.  

[specialmom]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Addiction is horrible to deal with and it doesn't sound like he wants to not use. Can you afford an attorney? Some legal advice on assets and whatnot would be great. The burn is if you have to pay spousal support. And yes, you may have to move to another place. Smaller. An apartment. Get this sorted out. But in the end, you'll be free. That will be worth it. Your life being stable and your own (which it never is when living with an addict) will be worth it. Who pays the house mortgage? I'm assuming you do.

[Rose167]

He gets enough a month to cover his side of the bills. But this it's new to us so in the end I may end up having to finance more than I want to. We've always had separate back accts so neither of us had to not only rely on the other but also so one could spend their money on whatever they wanted.  
I just had surgery myself and returned to work so I have a multitude of medical bills to catch up on. There's no way I can afford an attorney.  
I'm not losing my half of the house bec of his neglect. It's worth way too much but he's always told me he will never let this house go or me.

[specialmom]

The finances can be complex related to divorce and each situation is different. Each state has different laws too. Do you know the laws of your state? Is the house in both your names?  I understand the fear you have of losing money on the house and having to find another home for yourself. It stinks. Getting a spouse out is a bit hard. Divorce should do it but you need someone to advise you. Document everything related to his drug use. Take pictures. Record things. (not if he'd get violent if he figured that out, be covert). Start planning. Put money on the side.

He says he won't leave. Which is unfortunate. It doesn't sound like he's going to go without a fight. Do you have kids together?

[auntiejessi]

Are you afraid of him?

If you refuse to lose the house, you have a choice - live like this forever, or leave. Or have him sell you his share of the house.

Lots of attorneys will do free consults. Many areas have free legal aid, as well. At least talk to someone. Google your town or county and legal aid, like Chicago legal aid, Boise legal aid, Cook County legal aid. I don't know what other countries have, if you aren't in the US, but just try it.

[Rose167]

I should say we aren't officially married so that could be in my favor.
The house is in both our names.
To be honest I don't know if he'd get violent. He has a violent past.  He had just made the comment many times that he will not lose this house.  He'll often tell me if you don't like it leave but of course I refuse. The house is currently valued at $100k over what we purchased it for.  And I was the one that put down $11k on it.

[Rose167]

We do not have children together. Or other assets. Only the house. Most of the furniture I had before we met and I own my car.

[auntiejessi]

So let him buy you out of your half, at current market value, or he can leave. There is no house worth this kind of emotional hell.

Just talk to an attorney.

[Rose167]

He is on disability. No possible way he could do that. He absolutely would not leave. All these things will not happen that's why I posted. I'm completely stuck.  I guess I just needed to vent and see if there was anybody in a similar situation. Do I think he could hurt me over this. I think so if I pushed him to his limit and if he was using.

[auntiejessi]

You aren't completely stuck, though. You are choosing the house over yourself. I get that it's a LOT of money, but it's also a heavy price to pay.

I have felt stuck before. There are always options, even if you can't see them.

If his limit includes violence, you can always go to a domestic violence shelter, and they can help.

I wish you the best.

[AnnieBrooke]

Another place to get free legal advice is that law schools usually run free clinics. Call the dean's office and ask if there is a clinic where low-income people or no-income people can go to discuss divorce. (I know you aren't married, but this will put you in touch with the right clinic.) They don't charge, and law students do the lion's share of the work but they are supervised directly by their professor, who is a lawyer that goes to court with you. What you need to do is get bought out by your icky partner or else order the house to be sold. When two people own property together, either one can call for a sale of the house. The lawyer there could help you figure out the ramifications of doing that.

[Rose167]

Thank you

[AnnieBrooke]

In short, you have more legal authority than you realize. You can force the sale of the house. You even have the right to take out a second loan on it to get the appreciation out of it, though I don't suggest it, since you'd have to make payments on that! I'm just pointing out that while you are telling yourself you are stuck, you have more rights and more power than you think.

Obviously if you went to the extreme of forcing the sale, you would need to get out and stay safe and stay out of his orbit. Violence against women is really common; you'd be well off (whether you try to force the sale of the house or not) to talk to someone who advises women with dangerous partners. It's possible that the lawyer at the clinic (if it is one that does divorces for women with few resources) will know someone in the women's-shelter world that could help you figure out how to stay safe. If you do decide to put the house up for sale, you'll definitely need to do it in consultation with someone who can help you with your safety.

[Rose167]

You're right.  I live in a small country town. His family are the only ones around here. Mine are in my home country - Australia.  

[AnnieBrooke]

You're in the U.S., though? If so, the law is on your side regarding not being stuck owning a property jointly with someone that you don't want to own it with. See if you can secure all the papers from when you bought the house (make copies of everything and keep them somewhere he doesn't look, like on the top of a kitchen cabinet or in your car under the seat). Check online for the nearest law school -- there are a lot of them. Good luck! You're not trapped.

[AnxiousNoMore]

    In states that recognize common-law marriage, property is divided the same way whether you were married formally or under common law. There is no such thing as a “common-law divorce.” If the couple lives in a state that recognizes common-law marriage, they pursue a standard divorce as a formally married couple would do.  There are nine community property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.  The remaining states are equitable distribution states, where assets accumulated during a marriage are divided fairly, though not necessarily equally.

fwiw When my friend split with her hubby, they both agreed to the home sale and both had to accept the offer to make the sale valid. She accepted but he countered which the other party accepted, however if they didn't there would have been no sale.

[Rose167]

I'm in Nebraska however both our names are on the house and I put down all the closing cost funds. I have proof of everything. I know it sounds trivial to worry about a house but I've been divorced before and had to walk away from everything.  Starting over destroyed me and my credit.
I bought everything into this relationship he had nothing.  Thanks for the info

[AnxiousNoMore]

You have valuable papers but a safety deposit box with a bank is not expensive so that's where I would store them.