helicopter "mother in law"

hi,

i have never done something like this before so i am looking for some advice from some women with the same problems...

i was with my boyfriend for 3 years. we had an amazing relationship until his mother really started to become over involved in our lives.  i always had a feeling that something was a little off about the way she treated her kids, but she really has no life of her own. she doesnt have any friends, doesnt speak to her 2 sisters, and didnt speak to her mother for 30 years before she died last winter. she liked me for the first 2 years of our relationship and when we moved in together, everything fell apart. she was always wanting to meet me at the beach (where her son is a lifeguard), meet me for lunch or shopping, she would show up where i worked to have a drink at the bar (i also had gotten her youngest daughter a job there), she wanted to meet us out for drinks when we were having a date night. when we were off from work she requested family dinners at least 2 times a week. our time was never our own...it was all according to what she wanted.  now, for the first 2 years i dealt with it but once we moved in together i couldnt take it anymore. she would show up unannounced and even came over once while we were in bed together.  she stopped talking to me in september of 2010 and told my bf that i was no longer invited to family dinners and she told him to not show up with me at thanksgiving. it put such strain on our relationship. my bf kept telling me that he would tell her to knock of the bull  but he never did. his older sister even claimed that i saw her at a local food store and that i tried to run her over. she is as crazy as the mother. the mom called the cops on us because she thought an innocent "i love you" text from my bf to his siblings and  parents was a suicide note. it was a disaster. my bf never confronted her about any of these things. it all got swept under the rug and was never spoken about. he stopped going to dinner at her house and tried to cut contact. he would occassionally have lunch with her and he would always say that it was awkward and nothing would  get resolved. every week there was a new problem or new story that the mom or sister would make up, we would both be upset, i would cry and then we would move on to the next day...until the next problem was made by his family. we have made plans for our future together, picked out an engagement ring, looked for homes, put his house on the market, moved all of my things into our home. we went away on vacation and when we came home, he shut down. he told me that he felt nervous and anxious all of the time and that he felt like he had to choose between me and his famliy. he felt he had to choose his family because they are the only family that he has. he says he loves me but he doesnt see how our future could be easy with the way his family is. he refuses to stand up to them and defend me. i am devastated over this breakup and i struggle every day with the way he handled the situation. am i at fault? i feel like my bf should have stood up for me but i thought if i stayed strong for us, then he would have eventually come around and so would his mom. do i let this relationship go or is there hope? i am so depressed. my friends and family have been supportive but i feel like there should be something else that can be done. please give me some of your feedback. thank you.

[mammo]

I feel he knows how much you love him and I wouldn't tell him again.  The best thing you can do for yourself and your future is to concentrate on YOU and what is best for you!  I have no doubt your ex loves you but he loves his family more and there are more of them than you that he has to deal with.  When a man wants to be with a woman...he will move mountains to do so.  Get on with your life and stop feeling bad for anything you've done in regards to moving out.......let his mother take care of him!  I agree that your feelings will be all over the board at this point but it's also time you get angry.  I have seen men have to turn their backs on their families for awhile to make them realize that their significant other is invaluable to them and if they can't accept her then don't accept him.  But it was not an easy time for anyone....especially the woman.  In one case the man eventually grew bitter about having to choose and made life for his wife miserable even though it wasn't her fault....they eventually divorced and she feels she lost a lot of her life to this dysfunctional bunch and wishes she had never married him.  I know it's hard to see the big picture right now but you need to think of YOU and what YOU deserve and want out of life.  I know your heart is breaking but take it one day at a time and avoid your ex and his family at all costs.  They are not worthy of you and especially your ex.  He should be feeling pretty lousy right now and shouldn't care what you took with you,
but like his family, he's making it about him.  This kind of thinking is all he's known and has been taught.  All of them are thriving on your pain which I feel is indicative of just how dysfunctional they are.  If you see or talk (try not to) to any of them....put on a happy face and be upbeat....this will pop their little balloon and show them that you are worthy of a better family!  People like this thrive on making and watching others be miserable and you deserve better than that!  If I have learned one thing in all my years on this earth it's that everything does happen for a reason and in hindsight we can see why it had to happen to get us to the better place we're in.  You've said enough to your ex now stay away from him and don't allow him or his family to toy with you and your emotions.  Your ex knows what the two of you had but his family is in control and I agree that this is not the kind of family you would want to marry into.  What you're going through now is just a small sample of things to come in the future....a very unhappy future with this family.  Your heart will mend and you will love again one day....I promise you this.  Stay strong and focused on getting yourself to a better place emotionally so you can live the life you truly deserve......happy, accepting and fulfilling.  Big hugs and write to me anytime.

[Londres70]

I'm a bit confused.  Are you two married?  What are your ages?

Sounds like my first marriage; my ex was a true "mama's boy."  I felt like I just didn't marry my ex, but him and his nutty family.  Well, as you can see I am stating that was my "first" marriage.  It didn't work out because my ex refused to set boundaries with his family.  I understand family is very important, but I can't understand how they feel they should CONSTANTLY "meddle."  We even went to counseling, but in the end.......just wasn't meant to be.  He wasn't that interested in changing the situation.  

This is NOT an easy position for your bf/husband to be in.  This is definitely a boundary issue/control issue in regards to his family.  If they can't allow him to make his own decisions and live his own life without all the meddling and if can't initiate boundaries with them....hmmmm.......the marriage will have problems.  Then come the children......pfff......she or they will be trying to control that.  

You can try couples' counseling to get a professional's opinion and go from there.  See if he is willing to do that.  

When you are dealing with a family pretty much saying "It's us or her; now choose" ............difficult and will be an "uphill battle."  Don't hold your breath waiting for them to change.  Sounds like his mother needs to get her "own" life; that's one of the biggest problems; she has no "true life" of her own; her children are "her life."  

There MIGHT be hope for him.  As far as the family......I am NOT so hopeful.  

[pug3]

thank you for responding...we have been dating for 3 years. I am 31 and he is 29. I am his first girlfriend as well. he has many girls that are friends but he's never had a relationship. the sad thing is, we are great together. we have so many people who love us and are supportive but his mom and sister aren't willing to budge. him and I went to therapy all summer together. his mom sees the same therapist as him. we were hoping that the therapist could act as a mediator and sit down with all of us and work things out. the mom wouldn't meet with us. she kept saying she wasn't ready. ready for what?! to make your son happy?! ugh. it has been such heartache for all parties involved.

[mammo]

Your boyfriend's mother is very controlling and manipulative, and as a result I don't see how any of her children can have significant others in their lives.  Your boyfriend was put in a position nobody should be in and that is to choose between the one you love or your family....a very difficult place to be. Right now I would let your boyfriend know that you love him....understand and will not bother him.  The only thing that is going to make him stand up to his mother is missing you so much that he has to.  You did nothing wrong, and don't be too hard on your boyfriend, his mother has done this to him.  But he will see the light at some point and hopefully it will be with losing you. Don't say anything negative about his family....just wish him the very best.  Then he needs some time to think about what has just happened and hopefully will begin to be his own man. You don't want to marry into this family....they will drive you nuts!  I do believe he loves you but this mother has a very strong hold that he has to learn how to break free of.  It would be nice if you could get him to seek professional help and advice to see how he is allowing his mother to call all the shots in his life. But then he may take offense and get angry at you for even suggesting this. He is being forced to make a very difficult choice here, and I think the only way for him to see what is happening is to "miss you"!  I know it will be difficult to do but this is a tough situation for you to be in.  The main thing you want to do is be sweet and kind and don't put any pressure on him.  In his moments alone, hopefully he will realize that you weren't doing
anything but being supportive but his mother and sister were demanding and controlling. Don't allow his mother or sister make you feel bad about anything, you did nothing wrong...it was like getting between a mother bear and her cub but this is a mother and adult child who she can't let go of.  Give him some space and time and see what happens.  You deserve better than this family and I doubt his mother will approve of anyone that comes into his life....which is very sad for him.  I hope this helps and take care.

[pug3]

thank you for your input. he has told me that part of him already regrets this decision because he knows how much he losing by losing me. he also said that he knows he will end up resenting his mother. the weirdest thing is that she is so far up his butt right now after cutting him off for over a year!! how can he not see how dysfunctional this all is. even though I know our future would have been tough together, I was willing to work w it. I wish I understood his thought process better. I wish I knew how he really felt right now. he isn't opening up to anyone. he's acting as if nothing ever happened. he had barely spoken to any of his friends about this at all. it's all very bizarre to me.

[mammo]

Your boyfriend has been controlled and manipulated all his life, it's truly all he knows.  I wish somehow he would realize that one day his mother will be gone and his sister moving on with her life and where will that leave him?  His mother doesn't have a healthy love for him, it's very selfish and she is only thinking of herself and not his happiness.  I truly hope he sees the light because he is never going to find happiness with his mother meddling like she does.  This may be the best time for him to seek professional help in learning how his mother is holding him back from being happy.  I know your heart is breaking but maybe ask him to talk to a professional about the whole thing.  Big hugs to you.

[specialmom]

Ugh----  what a post.  I have to say I laughed about the "I love you" text and then the authorities coming because they said it was a suicide note.  I'm sure you didn't think it was funny but it is so ridiculous that it is.  His mom sounds slightly disturbed.  What do you think changed after 2 years that she turned on you like that?  Did you start to not want her around as much and she felt like she had to "get rid" of you or she'd lose her son?  I'm just trying to understand besides just that she seems to be a little off her rocker.  

I had a mother in law that was difficult.  Opinionated and ever present. She'd show up uninvited at our house which was fine when I was working a lot and wasn't home (ha ha) but once we had our first child, ugh, it was annoying.  I had two kids really close together in age and was a bit of a mess the first year of having them both--  as in you never knew what you'd find on the floor or on my shirt (when one was one and the other a newborn)----  she'd tell me things like my parenting would "retard" the kids.  I mean, who says things like that.  I think she wanted me to nurse both kids at the same time or something like that (kept telling me one breast would produce my older son's milk and the other breast would feed my younger son.  Maybe I should have told her my first son self weaned when he was 6 months old . . .).  Anyway, she drove me nuts.  I never got into a fight with her nor did I want my husband to.  But then again---------  she wasn't affecting my relationship with him or trying to X me out of the picture.  

Anyway, your boyfriend/fiance really is in a pickle.  On one hand he is right.  Life would always be difficult if things couldn't be ironed out.  It is sad when one has to give up their original family for their new one.  It is a loss for everyone.  And if there is the obvious prediction of fighting that will never end----  that would be hard for all to live with.  On the other hand, perhaps he could have tried harder---  okay, he COULD have tried harder and SHOULD have.  He could have brought you together with her and the sister and said "listen.  This is the woman I love.  I love the two of you as well.  I don't want to lose anyone.  Let's try to put this behind us and forge a new relationship where we can get along and treat each other respectfully."  That is less confrontational but might come to the same end.  I would vote for giving that a try.  My only fear is that your boyfriend is using his mother as an excuse when he got cold feet.  I hope not.  


I actually think that he did the right thing by remaining in contact with her but not as before.  That he'd occasionally have lunch with her but not see her much in general and keeping a distance with her should have been a time things could have blown over.  Rats that it didn't.  Maybe an indication of the level of crazy his mother exhibits.

Your post is good for me to read as the mother of two boys.  By making life horrible for your future daughter in law---  you can really screw up your son's lives.  You also risk losing them forever.  I vow to be a good  mother in law and allow my son his own relationship without demanding too much of his time and will look to his choice in woman as the daughter I never had.  (no matter what I really think of her!  But I trust my boys to pick great woman and I am SURE you are!!)

Anyway,  I hope it can be worked out dear.  Peace

[pug3]

hi, the thing that changed is that we moved in together. as soon as i moved in with him and his brother, the mom began to pick on me more and more. everything i did or said she had a snide comment for. the brother even noticed it and told his mom that she needed to stop. the brothers gf and  i asked my bf and the brother for some space from the mom for a little bit. the brother relayed this info to the mother as "the girls told us to choose..you or them" which is the furthest thing from the truth. we had a family meeting one month after this happened. the brother and his gf decided to not come. the other 2 sisters came, myself, my bf, and his parents. it was awful. the youngest sister was to serve as the mediator, the dad just sat there the entire time and said nothing. the mom and sister both yelled and cried the entire time. my bf and i kept calm and i honestly have never seen people act in this way. they were screaming and yelling at me. the mom told me to "shut up" 3 times. the sister was crying and screaming that "thats my baby brother!" the sister actually went outside at one point and had a full blown breakdown, screaming and crying behind a tree. she left the house right after that. the mom and dad condoned it and nothing was ever said about anyones behavior. the dad asked both my bf and i to leave their house. it was week after week where there were  constant problems. the older crazy sister got married 4 weeks later on a cruise to key west...worst "vacation" ever. my bf, the brother, his gf, and I all hid out in our cabins the entire time except when we HAD to be present for family things. the sister ended up ruining her wedding day and freaked out on the boat by yelling at her husband, dad, her husband best friends wife. you name it and she has done it. she is nuts. right after we got home from this trip, the mom told my bf to not show up w me to thanksgiving. then was xmas...we tried to lay low and just do the "right thing" he went to his families house and i went to mine and he met me there afterward. his mom told him that she had spoken to the sister and they were going to "try" to make things better. i was so excited!! after the new year we all went to a local bar for happy hour and had some drinks. it was awkward but we all did it. i had limited yet positive interaction with both the mom and sister. my bf was right by my side to make sure that i was okay. the sister had too many drinks and ended up crying hysterically and causing a scene, again...she made herself the victim and it was all about her. no one even did anything wrong.  at the end of january my bf's grandmother died. he had only met her once in his life and a lawyer came out of the woodwork looking for him and his siblings because the grandmother had left everything in her will to them...specified to not include her daughter(the mom). when the mom came over our house to find out what this lawyer wanted she was in hysterics. i offered to find out as much info as possible and the mother was completely offended and felt that i over stepped my boundaries. this pissed her off further. then tried to reach out to the sister to make amends. she told me in a text msg that "she had no plans of amending anything with you." i was crushed.  so i could continue with what happened every week but i think you all get the gist of the situation. everything i did or said was attacked. my bf loves his family and me but by not standing up for me, he got himself stuck in the middle. i think he broke at the end because it was really just TOO hard living this way. we broke up and he even said to me...you and i are perfect together, without my family, and that isnt an option for me right now. if i stayed in his life, his mom and sister would continue with irrational behavior. its really the worst thing ive ever heard of a mother putting her son through.

[Londres70]

Well, if you already did therapy and it really didn't help the situation....hmmm.  

Time will only tell how this will end.  Just give him some time/space and see if he comes back ready to be with you.  

He can't change his family, however, he could/can change how he deals with them.  If he doesn't get a handle on this now he will find himself alone and by himself after mother and sister scared everyone away.  

Now, you know why he hasn't had a girlfriend before.  

Just curious, where is his father in all this?    

[pug3]

he sits back and lets the mom and sister do whatever they want. he is 70 years old and still works full time as an auto body mechanic. he works overtime most weeks to stay out of the house. he doesn't have a say in anything.

[Londres70]

Oh, he sounds like the only rational family member your bf/fiance has.  Hmmm....looks like he disengages himself from the nutty wife and daughter.  

Just see what happens dear.  The family is purely dysfunctional and this breakup might be a blessing in disguise to save you from future heartaches and headaches in the future.  

If you do work things out I would recommend putting some serious distance between you all and them.  

Time will tell.

Keep us posted.

[specialmom]

Ya know, your post regarding the trouble starting when you moved in with your boyfriend and you asked from some privacy and space from his mother----  lots of your problems started when he sold you down the river to her.  He changed the tone and meaning of what you said to something different and something very negative.  Why?  It didn't have to be that way.  He could have told her----  we are in a phase of our relationship where we are trying to bond as a couple (although that might have been hard with all four of you ---  his brother and girlfriend also living with you) I (not YOU) we need to have you in our life but with a few boundaries.  If he'd made her feel important to him while at the same time telling her how important you are to him as well and he was asking her for some space-----  the outcome might have been much different.

That makes it hard because while blaming her is easy (and she does outright sound difficult and maybe mentally unstable)---  really a massive chunk of the blame falls on him.  He didn't handle it in a strong and honorable way.  

That meeting was a disaster-----  and he let it happen.  He should have stopped it when it got heated and said that it wasn't going down that way.  Everyone needs to get along (you, her, him, sisters, EVERYONE) and treat each other with respect.  If that wasn't going to happen, the meeting was over.  And then he should have left when they got out of hand.  There are ways to handle things and someone has to set the bar for decent behavior.  With this situation---  that should have been your boyfriend.

Does this deficit of his concern you?  It would me.  If you get back together, this is something to really address with him.  I'm not talking about telling him he has to take your side completely----  or tell his family off or write them off.  He should have a private meeting on his own with his parents and sister telling them that he loves you and does not want a difficult life with you.  He also love them and doesn't want to lose them either.  Can they learn to respect the situation?  

And then you need to stuff all of your bad feelings (and you are certainly entitled to them) down a bit and see if things can heal.  Extend olive branches whenever possible.  I've seen families that I thought would like to kill each other eventually mend themselves and become close again.  Maybe you'll never be close to them but for your boyfriend to not have to choose would be excellent for the relationship.  Just not hating one another would be a good start.

I don't know if I made sense-----  but I'm sure sorry that you are having these issues.  Especially at the holiday time.  May it all work out and you get back together.  Peace.

[pug3]

thank you for your kind words. i dont know if this can ever work out. im keeping a small amount of hope, but how long can i hold on to that?  it does concern me that he was so weak and never stood up for us...it scares me more than anything. i would ask him why and he would say that he would but it just wasnt time to talk to her because she wasnt ready. you'd think that i was a drug addict that beat him. i literally have done everything i can to amend this. i even went to the moms house recently to try to talk to her...she was home and didnt answer the door. i stood there and cried and told her how much i loved her son and that i wanted to make things work....i know she heard me, but she never answered. i wish i could fall asleep tonight and wake up on january 2 so i didnt have to deal w the holidays. i hope you all have a great holiday...enjoy your loved ones.

[specialmom]

Oh, your post makes me sad pug3.  While hope is hard to hold onto, please try.  Maybe this relationship will find a happy ending or maybe not.  But destiny will take you where you need to go. You will have your happy life one way or another-----------  that is the hope to hold onto forever.  

I do wish you peace in your heart.  That is a blessing that we don't realize what it means until we have no peace.  This will be a hard holiday for you and I'll keep you in my thoughts.  May the new year bring you that peace mixed with happiness and joy.

[pug3]

everyone keeps telling me...what is meant to be, will be. I'm having a hard time believing in destiny and fate. I had put so much stock into loving him and taking care of us and his emotions/feelings...it all blew up in my face. I will kelp that small piece of hope in my heart. I don't know if I'll ever let myself be vulnerable to loving someone like this ever again. it's so painful. I am going to try to make the most of Xmas...it's my niece's first. she has been my source of happiness lately.

[pug3]

does everyone agree that this breakup may be for the best? i am having both good days and bad days deal with my emotions. today happens to be a good day...yesterday was bad. i spoke with him on christmas eve. he sounded very sad and miserable. he said he misses me. i asked how his relationship with his mother has been and he said its better. i just am having such hard time accepting that this is actually what he wants. i wish you all knew him and heard our conversations about our love and our future together. i am going to our home tomorrow to clean out all of my things...heart breaking. any other advice would be greatly appreciated. <3

[pug3]

does everyone agree that this breakup may be for the best? i am having both good days and bad days deal with my emotions. today happens to be a good day...yesterday was bad. i spoke with him on christmas eve. he sounded very sad and miserable. he said he misses me. i asked how his relationship with his mother has been and he said its better. i just am having such hard time accepting that this is actually what he wants. i wish you all knew him and heard our conversations about our love and our future together. i am going to our home tomorrow to clean out all of my things...heart breaking. any other advice would be greatly appreciated. <3

[Londres70]

I can imagine his "sad" voice pulling at your heart strings; understandable.

Reality:  THINGS HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT.  He will have to make boundaries with his family and STICK to them.  If he can't or won't do that then STAY APART; DON'T GO BACK.  I would definitely recommend seeing and hearing the changes with your OWN two eyes and ears BEFORE considering going back to him.  Then, I would recommend taking the relationship SLOW.  It will NOT be an easy road; alot of dysfunction going on here.  Remember, years and years of dysfunction have been going on long before you came.  

I just think the breakup is the BEST for now and give him some time to sort/work this out because it is HIM that plays a "key role" in all this mess.  Collect your things and give him some time to thing about the situation.  When he says and shows you things have changed then precede....but with CAUTION.    

Remember, he went "running" back to his family as soon as there was conflict using the line "I only have one family."  Yes, that is true for alot of people, but aren't you WORTH "fighting" for?  Difficult to say what he would do if you both were married, got into a "heated" discussion or argument/fight?  Point is: Will he go "running" back to his family whenever there is tension between you two?

I am sure none of this is easy because you love him so, but you have to love yourself MORE and BELIEVE you always deserve the best.  KEEP IN MINE YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS.

[pug3]

update...I moved my things out yesterday. it was so hard and I sobbed all day long. he is currently in Florida so I was surprised to see his dog ad his mothers dog in the house when I got there. I called him and asked if his sister was planning on coming over to take care of them. I told him that I didn't want to see her, at all. he understood an he called her to tell her not to come by the house. I took everything that I had bought to make that house a home. I bought all of the pots and pans to the shower curtains. I took it all. my sisters both said..."why should I have to buy them again when I get my own apartment?!" I also purchased brand new closet organizers when I moved in because he didn't want dressers in our bedroom. I spent almost $1200!! my brother in law disassembled the entire closet and I packed it up. I left all of his clothes neatly folded on his bed. the house was just as I found it..minus the things I took. I get a text from his today which said..."why is my house in ruins?" I replied..."what do you mean?" he said..."I understand you taking what's yours but why didn't you let me pay you for the closet organizer and the things in the kitchen?" I said..."I didn't want to ask you to do that. I made that house and home and I didn't ask for this." he said..."now I have to deal with all of those clothes when I get home on Monday." I said..."I'm sorry that you have to deal with clothes but I'm dealing with MUCH more than where to put my clothing. I didn't leave the house in ruins, everything is folded on the bed nice and neat. I wouldn't do that to you."  he didn't respond. my sisters think that it was wrong for him to even text me. what I'm thinking is that his brother got home, saw the missing things and freaked out. his brother is a jerk...every sense of the word. so now what do I do? I don't want him to be mad at me or hate me.

[Londres70]

GEEZ!!  You can't even move out in peace.  Hey, like you stated you bought the stuff in the first place; you paid $1200 for all of it.  If he wants those items to have that "home" feel he should simply go buy them.  If he really wanted the items in the first place they would have been there when you moved in.

I wouldn't care if he was mad or not because you did NOTHING wrong.  It is bad enough he breaks things off, but to ask you why his house is in ruins because you took your stuff; sending you some accusatory text message based on information his brother gave him.  

Like I thought, he will never put you above his family, never.  He has shown you that situation after situation.  

Forget him.  

[pug3]

the day that I was moving out, I had texted him that I had to come back to the house this weekend because I couldn't fit the rest of my things in the car. I said that I couldn't deal w it that day because I was both physically and emotionally drained and that it was the hardest thing for me to do to move out. he wrote me back saying..."I'm sorry you had a hard day. I there anything I can do for you when I get home?" I replied..."please just never forget the love I have for you and us. never forget that I always supported you. never forget that I always had your back. I love you, forever" I didn't get a response :-( I don't know how to feel because I know that he cares about me...but then I get that text the next day about "the house being in ruins." our conversation on Xmas eve was nice...he said he misses me. I can't reach clarity. Im not looking at the big picture with all of the problems his family has caused, I'm only looking at him and me. my therapist says that my feelings being all over the place are normal. it's all apart of the grieving process and I'm not passed the sad stage yet. I'm so conflicted.

[Londres70]

You need to look at the big picture and KEEP seeing the therapist.  There was really never any "small" picture of "you and him" in reality.  It was always: you, him and his family.  

Yes, it is normal to have feelings "all over the board."  

Keep working your way through the stages; you'll get through.

[pug3]

thanks. I feel like I'll always be in this state of sadness and wanting him back. I wish this was easier and I wish I was able to push myself to move on, I'm not doing a very good job of living...I am existing. I am still barely eating or sleeping. I am yearning for the life I thought I was going to have with him. I thought everything would work itself out and we'd end up happily ever after. I was being so optimistic. I lost it all and I'm mourning this relationship so much. was I wrong about his relationship with his mother? is she a woman that is capable of forgiveness? ugh. I just want some kind of sign. my mom keeps telling me that he came into my life for a reason,I just don't know why yet. she said maybe I came into his life to show him the way his mother would deal with him in a relationship. I don't know. I just wish everything was different. how does one actually let go and move on?

[Londres70]

Sounds like you are grieving for sure; this can happen and you will get through this.  

What should his mother have forgiveness for?  You have done NOTHING wrong.  Is she capable of being different from how she is now.....hmmmm....maybe.......however, she has "0" plans on changing and doesn't want to change in my opinion.  

Maybe he came into your life to show how well you can deal with adversity and how you need to think more of yourself.  Above all, to realize you CANNOT change someone else PERIOD.  

You are stronger than what you think.  

[mammo]

I feel he knows how much you love him and I wouldn't tell him again.  The best thing you can do for yourself and your future is to concentrate on YOU and what is best for you!  I have no doubt your ex loves you but he loves his family more and there are more of them than you that he has to deal with.  When a man wants to be with a woman...he will move mountains to do so.  Get on with your life and stop feeling bad for anything you've done in regards to moving out.......let his mother take care of him!  I agree that your feelings will be all over the board at this point but it's also time you get angry.  I have seen men have to turn their backs on their families for awhile to make them realize that their significant other is invaluable to them and if they can't accept her then don't accept him.  But it was not an easy time for anyone....especially the woman.  In one case the man eventually grew bitter about having to choose and made life for his wife miserable even though it wasn't her fault....they eventually divorced and she feels she lost a lot of her life to this dysfunctional bunch and wishes she had never married him.  I know it's hard to see the big picture right now but you need to think of YOU and what YOU deserve and want out of life.  I know your heart is breaking but take it one day at a time and avoid your ex and his family at all costs.  They are not worthy of you and especially your ex.  He should be feeling pretty lousy right now and shouldn't care what you took with you,
but like his family, he's making it about him.  This kind of thinking is all he's known and has been taught.  All of them are thriving on your pain which I feel is indicative of just how dysfunctional they are.  If you see or talk (try not to) to any of them....put on a happy face and be upbeat....this will pop their little balloon and show them that you are worthy of a better family!  People like this thrive on making and watching others be miserable and you deserve better than that!  If I have learned one thing in all my years on this earth it's that everything does happen for a reason and in hindsight we can see why it had to happen to get us to the better place we're in.  You've said enough to your ex now stay away from him and don't allow him or his family to toy with you and your emotions.  Your ex knows what the two of you had but his family is in control and I agree that this is not the kind of family you would want to marry into.  What you're going through now is just a small sample of things to come in the future....a very unhappy future with this family.  Your heart will mend and you will love again one day....I promise you this.  Stay strong and focused on getting yourself to a better place emotionally so you can live the life you truly deserve......happy, accepting and fulfilling.  Big hugs and write to me anytime.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm sorry for what You've gone through and I'm sorry for Your pain.

Your bf is part of the dysfunction of this family.  I'm not suggesting He's "bad" or He's "wrong" but the dysfunction is part of who He is too.  This is what He grew up with.  One doesn't grow up among these things without being affected also.  Most people can't totally walk away from Their Family so there would always be issues with Him and His Family.  Therapy does not always "change" people - it can enable us to SEE the warp but seeing doesn't always effect changing the warp.  When You marry someone You almost always "marry" the Family too.  I know You're very, very sad and I'm very, very sorry but it's probably for the best that You have moved on.

[pug3]

thank you TTinKKerBBell...i am trying really hard to get myself together. i do know that there is dyfunction in his family. it was apparent from day one. i saw and heard things all of the time that i knew were strange but i didnt say anything about it until we lived together...big mistake on my part. i should have been more vocal the entire time. he knows the problems that his family has...all of the siblings do..hell, all of their friends know how screwed up his mother and sister are. its funny what people will tell you once **** hits the fan!! i guess i loved him so much that i didnt want to believe that this is what my life was going to be like. the sad thing is that he is a good person...he is just very much controlled by his mother. i hope he can one day see how much he has lost by losing me...im not one to say anything nice about myself, but i am a very good girlfriend. i took care of everything. i was so strong.  ugh...anyway, thank you for your support.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I think these kind and supportive ladies have really said things well.  It is very hard to give up on someone we once thought was our whole life, the person we'd marry.  But I'll tell you, I think you dodged a bullet.  I really in my heart feel that you did.  I would say that down the road, more and more things would happen and your boyfriend is more like his family than you care to admit at this point.  You've put up with a lot and honey------------  you are free!  Not all families are like this.  

It is so hard for you now because this is new.  I agree to try to stop texting him and make the seperation complete.  I am SO SO glad that you see what is good about you and that you are a great catch for any man----  and he loses that!!  But dear, please know and believe that you will find someone that WILL appreciate it and be as loyal to you as you are to them.  

Take some time to grieve, get a journal and write your feelings, spend time with supportive friends and family, work out, just take a break and give yourself some tender loving care.  You need it.  But you will recover from this and I really believe will ultimately have a happier life down the road because of it.  Peace dear.

[pug3]

thank you so much. the support on this site has really helped me tremendously. I want a happy life. I really do. i know I can't change these people, I was hoping they'd change for their son/brother. I guess that's what conditional love is all about. I love him unconditionally...crazy family or not...they love him w conditions. very sad. I hope I will see things clearly one day soon. this has truly been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. have a happy new year <3

[pug3]

so I took the things that were mine the other day and my ex just posted on Facebook "piecing my house back together..." what the hell?! there is no need for that! is it possible that he's a jerk like the rest of his family and I just never saw it?! he has always been so nice to me and all of our friends.

[pug3]

you know how you posted that my bf is prob more like his family than i care to admit? well tonight he showed that...im so sad and feel so betrayed and lost. i spoke to him on sunday and he said that he didnt want to fight with me and that he wasnt mad at me. he posted as his facebook status that he was "piecing his house back together..." i promise that i didnt leave the house in shambles. i only took what i bought and put into the house. isnt that my right? did he think that i was just going to take my dog and my clothes and that would be it? he has honestly not had to deal with any changes at all except me not being there at the house. he told me on xmas eve that he misses me...then he acts all crazy and mean this week. i dont  understand at all. :(

[RockRose]

Hi Pug.  

This is so hard,  but I think it will actually help you that he posted that hurtful message.  Now you're not sitting there grieving for your sweet guy - this will help you let go.

His family dynamics are horrid.  When you get two or more women in lock step trying to create drama and hurt,  it's a total mess.   And he's too caught up in it to free himself.

Last semester my women's Bible study class read the book of Philippians.  This is a letter from Paul to his church back home in Philippi,  while he was in prison.  In one letter he demanded these two women (who he named) to cease creating havoc in his beloved church.  So that discussion led to a LONG discussion about how women in a family who are together or in opposition have the power to wreak havoc and destroy lives.  And until someone like Paul calls them out by name and demands that they cease their reign of conflict and cruelty,  everyone else just follows along in fear.

Best wishes.  I hope next year heals you.

[RockRose]

I have another thought that just occurred, about "putting his house back together".

I have a dear friend who divorced several years ago.  Her husband was a tyrant,  had control of everyone and everything,  miserable guy.  So anyway during the divorce process he came to get his things, so she left to give him space to move out without emotional conflict.

One of the things he took was a western motif ceramic planter that he had before they got together.  

He took the plant out of the planter,  put the rootball in a plastic garbage bag in the sink.  

She was just enraged.  REALLY,  she said,  he needed that PLANTER?  He took her plant out of the planter,  and left it there in the sink in a bag.

I was surprised at the time she cared so much about that,  seemed totally reasonable to me to do that.  It's not like he dumped it out on the carpet.

I think now,  that that was a a symbol to her of the uprooting of their lives and marriage.  It struck a cord in her because the uprooting of one of her favorite plants symbolized the uprooting of her life.

So with you too,  the uprooting of his closet infrastructure struck him as a violation,  a deep and wrenching removal of you in his life.

Sorry,  that may be too deep.  It just seems symbolic to me,  and a very tangible and visible wrenching apart of your relationship.

[pug3]

thabk you RockRose. I'm so torn apart w emotions over this. I have tried to do the "right thing" this whole time and he completely betrayed me. I don't know whether to be mad or sad. I don't know if I should respond to him or call him again. I don't want him to ever think of me in a bad light. why do men, some men, shut down like this? how can a mother make her sons life so tough that he'd have to choose? I would love to email or text her but I don't even know what I'd say. I guess there's nothing left to say. the angry side of me would like to tell her and her daughter how friggen crazy they are and how dysfunctional their family is. ugh.

[nl17x]

What ever happened?
I have experience something similar, although I ended up shouting at his mum and being finished by text.