husband doesnt love me!

On jan 1st my husband (married for 2 years living together for 6 yrs) confessed he kissed someone else and had feelings for her. He said he wanted to work things out and go to marriage counseling.  I agreed and stayed. We were back together but with some fighting. About 2 weeks ago he said he no longer loved me and did not want to work on our marriage. Im currently 3 months pregnant with our first baby and dont know what to do. I love him so much and cant imagine my life without him. My baby deserves a family to be raised in. He does not want to file for divorce but he says hes very sure he doesnt want to be with me. He is no longer involved with the other woman. What makes a man want to give up our new home and family life for nothing? Why wont he file for divorce if he doesnt want to be there?

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm puzzled by the short timelines here -- he told you that he had kissed someone but wanted to work things out on January 1 and then "about two weeks ago" (around January 17?) he told you he no longer wanted to work on your marriage?  Did you two ever even get to marriage counseling?  If so, what reason did he give for only giving it one or two appointments?

He doesn't want to file for divorce but is very sure he doesn't want to be with you -- what does he plan to do about that inconsistency?  Stay married but live apart?  If that is what he really wants (I would ask him without saying why you want to know), I think there is a possibility that he is gay and doesn't want to come out.  The only other possibility is that something about fatherhood and the adult commitments that are part of that package has bothered him a whole lot.

Well, whether or not you love him so much and "can't imagine" your life without him, you probably didn't imagine this either, so you had better begin to listen without rejecting everything he is saying in favor of the image in your mind of what life should be.  Wanting something to be a certain way doesn't make it that way.  The sad reality is, he is telling you, things are not that way.

Anyway.  Go to a marriage counselor with him, simply for the purposes of finding out what he does want.  Does he want a marriage in name only with him living away from you?  (Does he really?  That sure sounds unsatisfactory -- most men, if they want to go, want to be free of all legal ties.)  Does he want to have a life with the child or is he turning away from being a father?  Ask him all those questions without throwing your hurt feelings, dismay, confusion, "musts," and what the baby deserves, into the mix.  Perhaps he feels like he can't tell you because all he gets back is this huge emotional mix, and he might actually tell you if you can ask him in a way that sounds like you're trying to hear what he is saying.  I am not saying what he is telling you is good, but if someone has stopped loving someone, it's not like a magic wand can be waved by the other person and make it come back.  You've got to know, now, what he does want, so the two of you can make some plans.

[Life360]

Hi Shoegal and really sorry what your going though and it is terrible why people do these things. Its happened to me before a couple of times and i, the same as you, could for the life of me, understand the thinking behind this either.
From my point of view, the other girl most likely broke up with him after finding out he was married with a child on the way and hes not divorcing you as a security blanket or not being held responsible for alimony and child support.
As to why a man would do this and give up a new home and family, you know him the best but could be cold feet, with the new responsibiltiy or deep feelings for another person.

[shoegal87]

We never made it to marriage counseling.  He is not interested in attending counseling with me.we are each seeing individual therapists.  I think part of the problem is he doesnt know what he wants.  I think part of the reason he wants to stay is because he wants to be involved in the babies life and I told him he wasnt a good man and didnt want him around my baby. I dont think hes capable of setting a good moral example. The woman he was involved with knew he was married and that we were expecting a baby. Its his coworker. He cheated knowing I was pregnant.  

[Life360]

Shoe, i like your attitude about this and that your being strong. Me being weak at the time of my cheaters did not help me but draged me lower into depression. When i accepted the facts and stood my ground, only then did i feel good about myself and did my life in fact turn around. If hes being undecided but has decided not to living under the same house as you and the baby and will continue to date other women, if i were in your shoes i would be the one to file for divorce and have him immediatly hit with child support and allimony.

[shoegal87]

He lives in our guest room. He has not moved out yet. He says he never meant to hurt me but he is so rude and detached. Yesterday when I confronted him he just chokes up and gets teary eyed.  He says we are currently separated are not allowed to date other. He still wears his wedding ring to work everyday.I refuse to file for divorce because he is the one wanting out of this family. I never expected this and I just feel like hes not the man I married.  

[Life360]

"he says we are currently separated and not allowed to date others" hes been dating others already and who knows why they broke up.
Maybe your right and just sit and wait to see what happens, at least he is still in your house but maybe there as has no other place to go.
Just take it one day at a time and keep posting.

[shoegal87]

I am trying so hard to just focus on today but it feels so hard when it feels like my hopes and dreams have been killed. I feel guilt raising my child in a single parent home when it was conceived in what I thought was a loving marriage.

[specialmom]

Do you think he could be spooked about the pregnancy?

[shoegal87]

Part of me thinks fatherhood freaked him out since this was an unexpected pregnancy. According to him his affair started about 2 weeks before we found out we were pregnant.  And continued for about another 3 weeks. Their affair lasted about a month and ended when i found out. All they ever did was kiss but i am extremely hurt by his lack of sensitivity. He has not been supportive of my pregnancy and i feel like ive done everything on my own. But when I speak to him he says he want to be 100 percent committed to the baby and raising it. How does that nake sense. You want the glory of being able to say you are a dad but dont want to be emotionally supportive right now that I am at my most vulnerable. I feel like we both made the decision to have unprotected sex but only I have to deal with the responsibility of my pregnancy.

[mammo]

Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too.  I'm not so sure he and that gal have broken up, but he does appear to be torn.  In a case like this you have to force his hand.  Tell him you refuse to live like this and won't allow your child to see the two of you sleeping in separate rooms. I think he wants to see his child and support him but no more.  I would tell him you're done and he needs to move out and then see an attorney right away to learn what your options are.  Your husband will have to support the baby and maybe you.  You're miserable and said you're doing it all on your own so why allow him to do as he pleases?  By doing this he will know that you won't always be there while he does as he chooses and can't make up his mind.  If he thinks he will lose you forever...it may help him decide who and what he wants.  It's time you call the shots and not sit idly by while he treats you so badly.  Many women have raised children on their own and done a wonderful job...but I know you'll find love and happiness again.  You're stronger than you know.  I wish you all the very best, and do see a an attorney to learn your rights and put your mind at ease about support etc.  At least this way if things don't work out you will have an attorney in place to help you through this financially.  I know it hurts, but when you hold your little baby, you're inner strength and love for your baby will shine through and there won't be anything that can stop you from making a wonderful life for your child.  Take care.

[shoegal87]

Thank you everyone. Last night I made the decision to leave and stay with a friend. He is so confused and sends me through a turmoil. He let me know hes having doubts about divorce. We are constantly arguing and it feels like its constant roller coaster when im already pregnant and hormonal.  Hopefully everything will be resolved by the time my baby is born.

[shoegal87]

I forgot to mention yesterday he confessed to b having another emotional affair 4 years ago. They had sexting and masturbated while doing it. I dont know if I can work rhings out anymore.