grieving mummy

[skye72]

I just found this forum today, and have read with tears in my eyes other people's stories.  On the 15th of this month my beautiful beautiful baby retriever X's soul left his body - he was almost 17 years old.  I am absolutely devastated. We bonded when he was a pup, and although a family pet, was my baby and everyone called me his mummy.  He had recurring gum problems, and over the last 3-4 years I'd been cleaning his mouth almost daily and giving him regular courses of anti-biotics.  I had nursed him through a stroke last June and, with lots of TLC and 24 hour care, he recovered well.  He had had a few seizures over the years but they never amounted to much, until January 27th this year.  I got a phone call from my mum that he'd had 'a turn' and I drove the 35 miles from work straight home to be with him.  He was ok, looking back to his normal self after a couple of days.  To cut a long story short (as it's still extremely hard to think about and I'm feeling very raw and emotional), the vet had done a blood test, and told us his kidney function was very poor.  They actually thought we should consider euthanasia in the next few days, but there was no way we were doing that as he looked fine.  Anyway, I researched online for advice on kidney problems in dogs, and we ordered some herbal treatments and cooked him special food.  A week after the seizure he stopped drinking on his own, and we had to give him water through a syringe.  We also administered enemas, as I'd heard it's a good way to introduce fluids in animals that aren't getting enough.   I'd read other people's stories on here, where they had to hand feed their pets - well, it was the same for us.  Syringe feed and hand feed.  He did still eat some little things on his own but he wouldn't drink.  He was getting slower and less keen on walks, and I ended up having to encourage him.  When he did move, he could do it..even wagging his tail and sniffing a bit.  Anyway, he got worse and in the last few days was wetting his bed.  None of this would make me part with him.....except that on the 15th, we just knew he was very tired.  He was probably dehydrated too, which breaks my heart, as there seemed to be nothing we could do to help much.  The whole thing, watching him go like that ripped me apart - I feel guilty because I sometimes felt frustrated and impatient that he wouldn't walk, cos I knew he could. I guess I was just not handling seeing what turned out to be the inevitable, happening to 'my little special' (one of the many names he had).  I suppose I thought I could nurse him back like I had last summer, after his stroke.  I feel so many things right now, one of them guilt for so many little things. I can't get the last week or so out of my head.....I am hardly functioning normally - everything's an effort.  I would like to be able to talk to people on here, as well as friends and family.  I would be very grateful for any comments, advice or responses.  One last thing, before I start to well up again - I thought kidney failure caused dogs to drink more....why did my baby stop drinking??  Was he just ready to go and see his old friends?  I hope he was just old and tired, and not that we didn't do something right to keep him a bit longer.  I'd so appreciate the opportunity to air out some of my guilt, doubts and anxieties - if anyone out there wants to share and/or listen, I'd be most grateful.  He was a strong little fighter, who still looked like a baby.  I miss him so much (tears in my eyes), and pray I was there for him and that he knew it.  Thank you in advance :-(

[lindapalm]

We put our dog to sleep almost three weeks ago, and I still see her everywhere in our house.  She was a very loud dog, and even though we have a lot of other animals, it is so quiet in the house.  I too feel guilty because I used to yell at her for barking so much and stealing the other animals food, and at the end she wouldn't eat and didn't have the strength to bark.  You feel guilty for putting her to sleep, but also  felt guilty looking at her suffer and not doing it. You just have to believe they knew you loved them and you'll see them again, and hold on to the memories. Take Care.

[Collegedummy]

First of all I'm extremely sorry for your loss. A dog to me is literally part of the family, like a bother or sister, a mom or dad. I'm only in my early 20's and a few years ago my black lab, which I grew up with passed away when she was 16, I know what your going through. She had strokes too, it was very hard to watch her suffer. I don't know much about kidney failure in dogs so I can't really answer your question about that, but I truly believe that though the medical cause for your pup passing away was kidney failure, that at 17 years old he was probably at peace with his life and ready to go upstairs. My dog had a lot of medical problems as well the last few years of her life and we did everything we could for her, but you can't stop the inevitable and at some point you have to let them go because though they would love to be around it's better for them to go after so many health problems rather then try to keep them alive forever and watch them suffer.

I know how you feel guilty like you should have done more or that maybe if you did something differently you could of cured him, but it was just your pups time to go. I get emotional sometimes when I think about my old pup, but you just have to realize that your pup lived to be a ripe old age, a lot longer then most dogs and that they lived a great life and they know that. Your pup knew you loved him and he loved you, what more could anyone ask for.

When we had to eventually put my dog down so she wouldn't suffer we took her to the vet and she usually would be very nervous and agitated whenever we would take her to the vet, but this time she was very calm and relaxed. I just laid on the floor with her and petted her and talked to her like I always did and I could tell she was happy with her life, it was a great life, she knew she was loved and would be missed by us and we knew she loved us and would miss us, but she was ready to go, she knew it was her time and she went quietly and peacefully with everyone she knew loved her around her. I believe your dog also knew it was his time, from what you typed I can tell you truly loved your dog, don't worry he knows you love him and that you did everything you could for him, he was just ready to go and play with his old friends and keep an eye on you from above.

It'll be hard for awhile, like it is when anyone close to you passes, but it will all be okay. Again I'm sorry I couldn't help you with your questions about kidney failure,but hopefully I've made you feel a little bit better. I'm not on this site a lot, if you post more messages I'll try and write a message but there are a lot of really helpful and caring people on here. Again I am very sorry for your loss and I know it's hard, but you just have to stay positive and know that your pup is in a better place. God bless.