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Anyone have a little one with Ds and a 2nd baby really close in age?
I know for many moms of babies with Down syndrome, often times (if it's your first born) we want a sibling for that first born. I have read in different forums Mom's who want a second baby to help the first baby, to motivate and help challenge the first baby. I think I too have thought of this, but that wasn't my only reason for TTC another baby. I am going to be 37 years old this year, and I know my child bearing years are shortening. I have fertility issues that I have had to deal with in order to conceive both times. (I have a pituitary tumour that causes fertility problems - which requires medication in order to make me ovulate.) I suffered an extremely lonely childhood, being an only child, and I swore my entire life I would never only have one child, if my body was able. After Hunter was born (he is going to be 9 months old on the 15th) I thought of things like, who will look out for him when we are gone? Since I have no siblings and my husband is estranged from his only brother, we worry about Hunter later in life. We knew we didn't want him to be an only child, and knowing his Dx before he was born, cemented in our minds that we would like to try for a 2nd baby quite soon after he was born partially for those reasons. We have also set up our provisions in a will for Hunter, and are looking into a Trust for him to ensure he is provided for when we are gone.
I was often asked by family members if it was fair to have another child with one of the reasons being so that Hunter would have someone (family) to look out for him, wasn't that too much of a burden to lay on another child? I had to remind those asking, that it wasn't that sole reason alone that we were trying for another baby. I had to remind those family members how lonely I was growing up, and how I used to cry nearly every night to my mom and dad, wishing for a sibling. Unfortunately, my own mother was 32 when she had me and 37 when she was 12 weeks pregnant with #2 which she miscarried. She was told then never to have another, that she was too old. I know things have changed 30 years later, but I still recall those feelings of loneliness and dread everyday and night.
Do you think it's wrong to want this for Hunter? A sibling close in age, someone to motivate and help him, someone hopefully he will be close to (as I know siblings don't always get along, take my husband and his brother for example) and someone who will hopefully be around long after we are gone? I thought my motivations were admirable, but some family members suggest otherwise. I certainly don't want to burden any future child, but I never only wanted ever to have only one baby. I would do anything for my child, he is the light of my life.
I just learned after TTC for 5 months that we are finally pregnant (6 weeks). I am told by others that I am doing the right thing having them close together. Hunter will be 17.5 months old when this baby is born. Does anyone else have a baby/child with Ds and have another really close in age? What are your struggles? Has there been a noticeable benefit for your children? Was it unusually difficult (not just the close age of 2 little ones)? I am hoping any of you out there that have similar situations can tell me how it's been?
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
I was often asked by family members if it was fair to have another child with one of the reasons being so that Hunter would have someone (family) to look out for him, wasn't that too much of a burden to lay on another child? I had to remind those asking, that it wasn't that sole reason alone that we were trying for another baby. I had to remind those family members how lonely I was growing up, and how I used to cry nearly every night to my mom and dad, wishing for a sibling. Unfortunately, my own mother was 32 when she had me and 37 when she was 12 weeks pregnant with #2 which she miscarried. She was told then never to have another, that she was too old. I know things have changed 30 years later, but I still recall those feelings of loneliness and dread everyday and night.
Do you think it's wrong to want this for Hunter? A sibling close in age, someone to motivate and help him, someone hopefully he will be close to (as I know siblings don't always get along, take my husband and his brother for example) and someone who will hopefully be around long after we are gone? I thought my motivations were admirable, but some family members suggest otherwise. I certainly don't want to burden any future child, but I never only wanted ever to have only one baby. I would do anything for my child, he is the light of my life.
I just learned after TTC for 5 months that we are finally pregnant (6 weeks). I am told by others that I am doing the right thing having them close together. Hunter will be 17.5 months old when this baby is born. Does anyone else have a baby/child with Ds and have another really close in age? What are your struggles? Has there been a noticeable benefit for your children? Was it unusually difficult (not just the close age of 2 little ones)? I am hoping any of you out there that have similar situations can tell me how it's been?
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
Best Answer
Hi Cindie!
I was really hoping you would post your situation here, as I do know that you did exactly what we were trying and were able to do. And I am grateful that you too were able to state your reasons for TTC a 2nd baby. I know that there are lots of other mom's out there that worry this way, and have the same feeling as we do about this situation. I wanted this post to show mom's who have an only child with Ds that it is JUST FINE to want, have and try for another child for all the reasons we mentioned above.
I know personally that I have struggled with some people's ignorance, and simple misinformation. And through this post, I hope that it clears the air, and gives hope to all those out there who have felt this and are struggling with the decision or the ramifications that conceiving or trying has led them to feel anything but happiness for their thoughts or decisions. It is good to see all view points, whether for or against the idea that we presented here, and no one point of view is better or worse than the other. I think it ends up being a matter of understanding and acceptance. But as I mentioned, it is harder for someone who doesn't walk in our shoes to understand. Hopefully now, they will at least have an idea of why we want it to be this way. Nothing but the best for our children.
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
I was really hoping you would post your situation here, as I do know that you did exactly what we were trying and were able to do. And I am grateful that you too were able to state your reasons for TTC a 2nd baby. I know that there are lots of other mom's out there that worry this way, and have the same feeling as we do about this situation. I wanted this post to show mom's who have an only child with Ds that it is JUST FINE to want, have and try for another child for all the reasons we mentioned above.
I know personally that I have struggled with some people's ignorance, and simple misinformation. And through this post, I hope that it clears the air, and gives hope to all those out there who have felt this and are struggling with the decision or the ramifications that conceiving or trying has led them to feel anything but happiness for their thoughts or decisions. It is good to see all view points, whether for or against the idea that we presented here, and no one point of view is better or worse than the other. I think it ends up being a matter of understanding and acceptance. But as I mentioned, it is harder for someone who doesn't walk in our shoes to understand. Hopefully now, they will at least have an idea of why we want it to be this way. Nothing but the best for our children.
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
Hi there Inny2009,
No, I never ever thought of my second child as a "caretaker" for Hunter, and as I said in my post, I would never expect the second child to be burdened by having the responsibility of taking care of Hunter. That was and is not my intention. I simply mentioned that it is nice to know that Hunter will have someone out there that can look out for him, just as he would have been able to look out for his sibling. I think that this is exactly the reason I wanted family to know that it isn't the burden that I would put onto any child. Much less have a child for that reason. I think as I stated, the most important reason I wanted a second child was for Hunter to have a sibling, as I never was lucky enough to have that. Secondly it will be challenging for him and motivating for him to have a sibling, as all siblings are for one another.
I think unless you have a child with challenges, no one knows how it feels to worry and wonder what will become of this child when their parents are gone. So, it is comforting to know, no matter what the other child/ren will do in future (as it is up to them) that they know they have each other, and for that - I think is the most important reason.
Hope that explains further what I was trying to say. And - I am sorry that you feel guilty or responsible for not being the role you felt you were supposed to live up to. I would never tell any child that they were put on this earth for any other reason other than from out of pure love and want by his/her parents. What that child decides to do in future will make me nothing but proud, and if the rolls were reversed (the 2nd child had Ds and not the first) I would be just as satisfied that they had each other. I personally don't regret my decision, and I am happy that we were lucky enough to conceive again. I just wish others would realize the reasons.
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
No, I never ever thought of my second child as a "caretaker" for Hunter, and as I said in my post, I would never expect the second child to be burdened by having the responsibility of taking care of Hunter. That was and is not my intention. I simply mentioned that it is nice to know that Hunter will have someone out there that can look out for him, just as he would have been able to look out for his sibling. I think that this is exactly the reason I wanted family to know that it isn't the burden that I would put onto any child. Much less have a child for that reason. I think as I stated, the most important reason I wanted a second child was for Hunter to have a sibling, as I never was lucky enough to have that. Secondly it will be challenging for him and motivating for him to have a sibling, as all siblings are for one another.
I think unless you have a child with challenges, no one knows how it feels to worry and wonder what will become of this child when their parents are gone. So, it is comforting to know, no matter what the other child/ren will do in future (as it is up to them) that they know they have each other, and for that - I think is the most important reason.
Hope that explains further what I was trying to say. And - I am sorry that you feel guilty or responsible for not being the role you felt you were supposed to live up to. I would never tell any child that they were put on this earth for any other reason other than from out of pure love and want by his/her parents. What that child decides to do in future will make me nothing but proud, and if the rolls were reversed (the 2nd child had Ds and not the first) I would be just as satisfied that they had each other. I personally don't regret my decision, and I am happy that we were lucky enough to conceive again. I just wish others would realize the reasons.
Sandi (Dragon1973)
MedHelp Down syndrome Community Leader
& Ds Group Forum Founder/Moderator
Im just saying, how you feel is how you feel, no one can tell you really how wrong you are for something like this
this was a typo by the way....i meant to say no one can tell you really how wrong or right you are for something like this.
lol sorry bout that!!!!
this was a typo by the way....i meant to say no one can tell you really how wrong or right you are for something like this.
lol sorry bout that!!!!
May I offer some advice? I do not have a child who has downs so I really dont know all that you go through or your son. You are a typical parent wanting whats best for your son and i commend you for that. I, being a mother myself, would love to eventually give my son a sibling, a playmate...However, you need to make sure you dont cross the fine line between wanting a sibling for your son and a caretaker persay....I was born for a purpose...I have lived all my life (so far) beating myself up for not being able to live up to the expectations of my birth. Whether or not you want another child for mere reasons of being unlonely or keeping an eye on your older son is for you personally. Remember you are the adult and that unborn child and hunter are children. I would not recommend you tell your future child about any expectations whatsoever. Love them both equally, set up provisions for both of them you will have another baby to worry about. Im just saying, how you feel is how you feel, no one can tell you really how wrong you are for something like this. Im just suggesting you in no way shape or form express your wishes of hunter being looked after by his younger sibling. Thats just me, because if that future baby fails like i did he/she will carry that burden forever, and so will hunter, he might feel guilty for being a "burden" to his younger sibling and resent you later for you not believing he can make it on his own. I know you have a good heart, you seem like a very nice person so please dont take insult to this im just trying to show you what i went through. Please take care of yourself and go easy on yourself as a parent and dont worry too much about what everyone else says. Take all advise to consideration and in the end you and your husband sit down and talk about how you want to handle the situation. You know whats best for your child.Good luck and take care!!!
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You KNOW I have that personal experience. my boys are close in age. We chose to TTC when TJ was about 5-6mo old and within a month or two were preggo.
The boys are just over 16 months apart and yes, one of our reasons was so that TJ would have a sibling to help him if we weren't there or if he needed it.
we also made the choice because we figured a sibling would challenge him to grow and learn and vice versa.
We were right and they're pushing eachother to crawl and stand right now. Personally I love having my two close in age even if I am more tired.
We did/have delt with people and family being ignorant to our feelings and choices. My mother actually told me at one point that we only ONLY chose to have another baby close in age because we thought TJ was going to die (during that 3mo after his OHS when he was so sick) that was neve rthe case with us.
Cindie