Aa
Any advice would be great please help
My girlfriend WILL not eat and has not eaten a single piece of food for at least the last month ( that I know of). She has an extensive mental health history and has spent some time in hospital when she was younger including a 6 month admission for anorexia when she reached 37 kilos, she is around 5'7. I found out because I caught her hiding food from me and taking it outside to the dog. When I asked her she denied it. She had more energy for the first couple weeks of me noticing and wanted to do more and seemed happier. The last couple of weeks she has not gone to the toilet when I ask why she said she just can not go it does not matter. Everytime I try and discuss it with her, her answer is too sleep. She has been very moody easily in the last week and is not talking to her family. She has not been the same with me as in affectionate she has not been talkative and has been distant. She has been more tired and is getting thinner and thinner. She has been obsessed with cooking and cleaning she always has been with cleaning everything but never the cooking. She wants to make sure everyone is eating right and enjoy it and is constantly cooking and talking about cooking even at night when we are sleeping she will ask me what I want for dinner. I know in the past she will not speak to anyone in person anymore. She will not discuss it she said she would leave if it was mentioned again. We agreed to her having vegetable juice at least but she never followed through and avoids it. I am really worried and have no idea what to do next
I would take the matter to her parents. They were the ones who handled her earlier problems. It's not much of a romance for you, is it, living with someone with mental problems.
Hi Joshua
It's so hard because anorexia is a disorder that just wont die - it's like a parasite that gets into the brain and alters the way it works...and even years after recovery, at times of stress and low self-esteem, anorexia will jump into the mind saying 'try me, I work, I'll get you through this'. She will always have to watch out for it, and prevent it from starting again in the future.
The problem with talking to an anorexic about the problem is a) they'll often deny it or lie straight to your face (please don't judge her for this), and b) the conflict feeds the disorder, makes the illness stronger. In rejecting the offered help, the offered reality check, the offered care, the anorexic chooses the illness. Conflict around the illness forces the anorexic to choose between either a reality that they feel inadequate to face, or a disorder that they believe will help them and make them stronger and more lovable. Therefore, at this stage, confronting her about her eating will not help her.
Find ways to understand what the disorder gives her, and then try to show her and teach her other, more healthy, ways to achieve the same thing. The disorder gives her control - find little ways to give her control over her life, your relationship, the things she enjoys doing. The disorder gives her a sense that things are changing for the better - notice her progressions in other areas of her life, and bring those to her attention with some praise. The disorder makes her feel that she will be more loved, more perfect - so give her some love, show some affection (not saying you don't already, but be more mindful of it, do lots of little things to show you care). Tell her what you like about her, compliment things about her appearance EXCEPT her weight - compliment the colour of her eyes, or the shape of her nose, or toes...things that weight loss will not change much. If things continue with her not eating at all, begin to notice the negative changes, but do so gently - 'you have such lovely skin, but it's not the same as it was...'.
Don't let her cook for you, and don't involve her in your meals. She is using that to support her illness. It is an outlet for her obsession with food, and also a power thing (albeit a nice, homey one) because she can give you pleasure, sustenance and care by providing meals for you and her family. Tell her that if she is not eating with you, you feel mean allowing her to cook - she isn't your slave, the meals you eat are not her problem or her business...put her off gently but be firm and don't give in. If she insists on cooking, go out for take-out. Tough love...be nice about it, but make sure she doesn't include you in supporting her illness.
Anorexia includes an element of psychosis. Many people suffering from the illness really see themselves as fat and unattractive.
If she hasn't eaten for a month, that's pretty serious. It is likely that there have been occasions when she's eaten and maybe purged without you or anyone else knowing it. Some nutrients will have stayed in her body. However, if she wont eat, see if she'll take vitamin tablets. Not a good substitute for food, and not a solution - just a stop-gap until things are more manageable for her. Long term anorexics can develop many problems, including arthritis and thyroid problems, and hormone inbalances.
Is she drinking enough water?
When she does begin to eat again, she will experience pain and discomfort. She'll need to eat small, regular meals, and will experience the worst constipation possible. There may also be diarrhea. It can take a while for the digestive system to recover from such abuse, so it is definately worth consulting a doctor to help plan her meals when she is ready to eat.
She should see a therapist. Eating disorders are complex and have so many roots that go so deep into the soul. She can recover and may never experience it again, but that will take a lot of work from her, and a lot of support from her family and friends.
Make sure you are looking after yourself, too, Joshua. Take some time out to have fun for yourself, look after your own eating and health as well as hers.
All the best...and update so we know how things go?
It's so hard because anorexia is a disorder that just wont die - it's like a parasite that gets into the brain and alters the way it works...and even years after recovery, at times of stress and low self-esteem, anorexia will jump into the mind saying 'try me, I work, I'll get you through this'. She will always have to watch out for it, and prevent it from starting again in the future.
The problem with talking to an anorexic about the problem is a) they'll often deny it or lie straight to your face (please don't judge her for this), and b) the conflict feeds the disorder, makes the illness stronger. In rejecting the offered help, the offered reality check, the offered care, the anorexic chooses the illness. Conflict around the illness forces the anorexic to choose between either a reality that they feel inadequate to face, or a disorder that they believe will help them and make them stronger and more lovable. Therefore, at this stage, confronting her about her eating will not help her.
Find ways to understand what the disorder gives her, and then try to show her and teach her other, more healthy, ways to achieve the same thing. The disorder gives her control - find little ways to give her control over her life, your relationship, the things she enjoys doing. The disorder gives her a sense that things are changing for the better - notice her progressions in other areas of her life, and bring those to her attention with some praise. The disorder makes her feel that she will be more loved, more perfect - so give her some love, show some affection (not saying you don't already, but be more mindful of it, do lots of little things to show you care). Tell her what you like about her, compliment things about her appearance EXCEPT her weight - compliment the colour of her eyes, or the shape of her nose, or toes...things that weight loss will not change much. If things continue with her not eating at all, begin to notice the negative changes, but do so gently - 'you have such lovely skin, but it's not the same as it was...'.
Don't let her cook for you, and don't involve her in your meals. She is using that to support her illness. It is an outlet for her obsession with food, and also a power thing (albeit a nice, homey one) because she can give you pleasure, sustenance and care by providing meals for you and her family. Tell her that if she is not eating with you, you feel mean allowing her to cook - she isn't your slave, the meals you eat are not her problem or her business...put her off gently but be firm and don't give in. If she insists on cooking, go out for take-out. Tough love...be nice about it, but make sure she doesn't include you in supporting her illness.
Anorexia includes an element of psychosis. Many people suffering from the illness really see themselves as fat and unattractive.
If she hasn't eaten for a month, that's pretty serious. It is likely that there have been occasions when she's eaten and maybe purged without you or anyone else knowing it. Some nutrients will have stayed in her body. However, if she wont eat, see if she'll take vitamin tablets. Not a good substitute for food, and not a solution - just a stop-gap until things are more manageable for her. Long term anorexics can develop many problems, including arthritis and thyroid problems, and hormone inbalances.
Is she drinking enough water?
When she does begin to eat again, she will experience pain and discomfort. She'll need to eat small, regular meals, and will experience the worst constipation possible. There may also be diarrhea. It can take a while for the digestive system to recover from such abuse, so it is definately worth consulting a doctor to help plan her meals when she is ready to eat.
She should see a therapist. Eating disorders are complex and have so many roots that go so deep into the soul. She can recover and may never experience it again, but that will take a lot of work from her, and a lot of support from her family and friends.
Make sure you are looking after yourself, too, Joshua. Take some time out to have fun for yourself, look after your own eating and health as well as hers.
All the best...and update so we know how things go?
Thank you for your advice!!! How long can she be ok if she continues to refuse food
Thank you how long will she be ok for until she has to eat? It has been over a month and I have tried so hard to help encourage her to eat but she will not. What if she continues
the best bet is to get her to talk about her emotions...the food is only a symptom and if you keep bringing up the food it will only stress her out or **** her off. Honestly she probably needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist or go to treatment (eventually) but I wouldn't bring up those things until she is comfortable talking to you about her emotional issues
encourage her she had a bad childhood as well as i did. i am 23 5'5 and weight 103. if it doesnt she should been see for better help. ivy always help made me gain some water weight back lol it was a fourm of fluid in my stomache since i didnt eat. sorry if its not much but its the best i can do.
i have the same disorder as your girlfriend. my husband hate it because i would cook big meals but never eat. while he is at work text him what he wants for dinner? I am slowly training my stomache to eat. i take a bite here and there when i can. i came to the conclusion why i dont eat is because i am so stress out i dont talk to my family i lost my job and i get really angry at my husband for no reason. so maybe try talking to her get her to talk about her problems DO NOT GIVE HER A HARD TIME THAT SHE IS NOT EATING... it will make her more depress and not want to eat. when she comes to realization she will want to eat and you wouldnt have to worrie
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Eating Disorders Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
