I wish this would stop

[Musoke]

Ever since I was little people have always commented on how cute and tiny I am. My sister however was always and little less small and of a more average build... Until she became anorexic after our parents divorce. I always gave her a hard time about it since I couldn't understand why the hell she was starving herself.

Then in 8th grade I had a growth spurt. I didn't grow upwards but started to gain weight. At first I was happy about this since I wanted to weigh enough to donate blood, but when I reached 100 pounds in 9th grade I sort of freaked out. Standing on that scale I realized that even though I was shorter than my sister, I now weighed more than her. She was 93 lbs and I was 100lbs. I never was really overly concerned with my appearance but somehow the though occurred to me that the only thing I had going for me was my small pixie-like figure. I stopped eating for a week, and barely ate anything after that. My mom never noticed because we never ate together. I was back down to the lower 90s. A couple months after that was scheduled a school trip. In anticipation for this I didn't eat for the week before. I barely eat anything on that trip, and the day after I got back I had a seizure. The doctors didn't suspect anything was wrong because at the time I was taking Wellbutrin for ADD and OCD, a medicine known to cause seizures. I figured the doctors were wrong and it was because I was starving myself and weighed only 88 lbs. Fearful of having another seizure I ate more, but then I started to put on weight. One day it occurred to me that I could just throw up to loose wight and that's what I did, and still do.

I'm now a senior in high school and even though I still weigh 89 lbs, I'm feeling really depressed. I feel like I'm only living to see a certain combination of numbers on the scale and that's it. My main motivation to be skinny is that I don't want to die fat and ugly. When I see a train I want to stand in front of it. When I see busy traffic, I want to cross the road. When I'm driving I just want to drive into the river or speed my car into the trees beside the highway. Sometimes instead of throwing up again I consider drinking dran-o to clean myself from the inside and die clean. I always feel so dirty after I eat, even if it's just PB & J.

God, I feel so stupid tying this out, no one really has to respond to this, I just felt like I had to get it out somewhere. I makes me angry when people are always saying how cute and tiny I am, it makes me feel ugly, like all they see is a skinny little girl and nothing else. It also makes me feel inferior that my sister is actually proud of her anorexia because it made her skinny... not to mention that she's way smarter than me and already 2 years into art school. I blame her for making me this way but I can't hate her, I just hate myself. I've been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants so I don't do something stupid like commit suicide, but I don't want to become dependent on medication the way I am on mia.

[Zoelula]

Great post, Juliamour and great to hear about your recovery!

[Juliamour]

Wow you sound a lot like me.  I started my eating disorder at 13 because I started feeling bad about my muscular body.  I figure skated for 12 years.  I ended up going from 120 lbs to 83 at 5'6".  I was so sick looking my junior, senior, and freshmen college years.  Finally at 19 I decided to get better after my best friends died in a car wreck because I found a secret journal of my best girl friend (who ended up getting a ED because of me I feel like) and read how worried she was and how she wanted me to get better.  So I decided to try.  Recovery really isn't that scary.  You think that once you start eating again you'll get huge, but I ended up being 100-105 now at 21 and have stayed that way for a long time.  People will start to tell you how much better you look too and not like a little 12 year old you know?  I don't even compulsively exercise anymore and have maintained where I am despite eating junk food, fast food, desserts, all the things I would have freaked out over before.  Plus life stops being about hiding your secret and avoiding any social activity if it involves food or just because you spend hours exercising.  Once you start recovery you will feel so much better than you have felt for years.  I have so much more energy now.  If you end up getting anti depressants make sure you don't get on Wellbutrin because I was overdosed for two years on it and it gave me heart problems and seizures.  Plus, I went to the psychiatrist about my eating disorder and wellbutrin specifically says not to be given to anyone with anorexia or bulimia.  I know the whole suicidal feeling too.  A lot of that has to do with your body being imbalanced.  I'm not trying to say everything will be rainbows and sunshine once you start to recover, at first it will be a huge fight of willpower over that anorexic voice in your head.  Looking back you will realize how sickly you looked the whole time and will start to feel a lot more confident about the weight you recover to.  I think the worst part of anorexia was it cost me a lot of time I could have spent with my best friends instead of being reclusive.  I didn't know how little time left I'd have with them.  I hope you can recover and start to feel happier.  <3

[Zoelula]

I'm really glad you posted this because, as painful as it is to read, I know how painful it is for you to be in your own skin right now. I'm not going to tell you anything you don't know, which is that you need help. And I'm not going to give you any magic solutions to your problems. What I am going to tell you in as strong a way as I can is that YOU CAN RECOVER! I had an eating disorder for most of my life and now have fifteen years completely free from the obsession about food and weight. It took me until a lot later in life than you to get help. You don't need to wait. Yes, go see a psychiatrist or a therapist with experience in eating disorders. Get help for your eating disorder and get help for the depression you seem to be experiencing. In the meantime, consider also going to OA meetings to get some immediate support from people who are going through similar experiences. And if you feel that you are really going to commit suicide and can't fight that feeling on your own, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (look in your phonebook and get the number now) and talk to someone there. Please let us know how it goes. I don't know you but I don't want anything to happen to you and I want you to get some relief from all this pain you are feeling.
Zoe