Aa
I've come to the realization that this is part of who I'll always be.
"I think I've gotten myself into a mess. I'm 5'8" and, at 220 pounds, my new years resolution for 2008 was to lose 40 pounds. Now, after losing 56 pounds, I'm at 164. I know that for my height that's still a little overweight but I think I'm becoming anorexic. I can't think of anything else. Every time my brother sees me he says something about my weight and jokingly says something about me being anorexic. I don't have the heart to tell him that he might not be wrong. I spend my days worried about food. On the days that I do eat a usually end up inducing vomiting. On Fridays, if I know I won't be doing anything Saturday morning, I take all kinds of overnight laxatives. About a month ago, after several days of not eating, my boss said something about how I get skinner every day. It made me feel good that someone other than my brother was noticing my weight loss. I've come to the point were I feel that I'll never be happy unless I'm skinny but at the same time I don't want to be anorexic. I keep telling myself that someone will help me, force me to stop all this destructive behavior, but I can't tell anyone. I'm too ashamed to ask for help. I can't let my family know what a failure I am. I don't have anyone to turn to. What am I supposed to do? I want to tell myself that it's just a phase but I know that it's not. I can't stop it and I'm scared that it's starting to control my life. My hair is getting thinner and I'm bruising more easily. I don't want people to see it but at the same time I do. I want someone to care enough about me to intervene. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be happy. I want my family to be proud of me, not feel sorry or look down upon me. I want so many things in life and an eating disorder is not one of them. How can I get through this?"
I posted that in October 2008.
I think I'm doing somewhat better. Emphasis on somewhat. My hair is thinning significantly less and the bruising is easing up. I also cut back on the laxatives. I think that's helped my digestion. I'm still losing weight, but not as rapidly. It may have just been the holidays, though.
I did eat today. I'm struggling with that. I probably won't eat tomorrow.
I haven't been feeling well for the past week or so. I'm thinking about going to a doctor. I'm afraid, however, that he/she will ask questions that I don't want to answer. I've been getting really dizzy lately and it's become a real problem. I need to ask for help.
My dad came to visit me and my brother last weekend. He brought his girlfriend and her two kids with him. That was uncomfortable. Probably because she's still married. He flat out asked me if I was "doing the anorexic thing". I said no.
I'm trying to get better, be happier. I'm trying to not think about happiness in terms of dress size. I'm trying to become the person that I know I deserve to be. I'm trying so hard, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm sinking in the quicksand and I will surely die here. Even if (by some miracle or ability) I do get better I will always carry this burden with me. I will always think of food, calories, and weight. One of the things I've always hated about adults is the poison that they spill. The words they expect us to believe but are only lies. I have, irrevocably become one of them. I've come to the realization that this is part of who I'll always be.
I posted that in October 2008.
I think I'm doing somewhat better. Emphasis on somewhat. My hair is thinning significantly less and the bruising is easing up. I also cut back on the laxatives. I think that's helped my digestion. I'm still losing weight, but not as rapidly. It may have just been the holidays, though.
I did eat today. I'm struggling with that. I probably won't eat tomorrow.
I haven't been feeling well for the past week or so. I'm thinking about going to a doctor. I'm afraid, however, that he/she will ask questions that I don't want to answer. I've been getting really dizzy lately and it's become a real problem. I need to ask for help.
My dad came to visit me and my brother last weekend. He brought his girlfriend and her two kids with him. That was uncomfortable. Probably because she's still married. He flat out asked me if I was "doing the anorexic thing". I said no.
I'm trying to get better, be happier. I'm trying to not think about happiness in terms of dress size. I'm trying to become the person that I know I deserve to be. I'm trying so hard, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm sinking in the quicksand and I will surely die here. Even if (by some miracle or ability) I do get better I will always carry this burden with me. I will always think of food, calories, and weight. One of the things I've always hated about adults is the poison that they spill. The words they expect us to believe but are only lies. I have, irrevocably become one of them. I've come to the realization that this is part of who I'll always be.
I wrote this poem 13 years ago. I can only hope it may have helped at least 1 person deal with the fact they may have an eating disorder. I have come a long way since writing it. I now have 4 beautiful children to watch grow, and although every day is still a struggle, I can truly say I love my life and will continue to beat this nasty disorder. I wish you luck and if you ever need support, I am always here.
Sincerely,
Stacy L. Szalacha
Sincerely,
Stacy L. Szalacha
wow this is kind of exactly what happened to me, i used to be almost 200lbs and then i started loosing weiht(healthily, very healthfully) and then, i became absolutley obsessed! With my newfound calorie starvation obsession and my drug abuse I got real skinny, then became bulimic. Its good your starting to realize it early on though. You dont wanna spend the rest of your beautiful days never being able to enjoy food and just eat like a normal person again
Hi there. I just wanted you to know that i feel the same way a lot of the time. Like this is something i will carry forever. Also i know the fear and shame that goes along with an ed. My family knows i have bulimia. They don't however know that i vomit, almost everything i eat, i starve for days at a time, and i use laxitives. I'm too ashamed to admit that all to them. My mom i'm pretty sure thinks i vomit only like a few times a week. She doesn't know it;s a few times a day.
Like leftcoastchick was saying, since you do purge, popping blood vessels is something that could really happen. I'm at the point in my disorder where i know what i'm doing is bad for me, but i'm still sometimes ambivelent about getting better. Infact until this past dec. when i popped a blood vessel i kept making reasons why it was ok that i had disordered eating. But when i popped that blood vessel, i was so scared. Until that point i never believed my disorder would do anything bad to me. But that really opened my eyes to the truth.
I know your afraid of going to your doctor, but telling them is one of the best things you can do . Let them do a blood test to find out why your so dizzy. And a treatment center might benifit you. I went to one over the summer and it helped a lot. Or you could call you insurance company, and see if you can find a theripist that specializes in eds.
Telling you brother is a great idea. Especially if your close. You don't have to be alone in this. And here your not. Good Luck
Like leftcoastchick was saying, since you do purge, popping blood vessels is something that could really happen. I'm at the point in my disorder where i know what i'm doing is bad for me, but i'm still sometimes ambivelent about getting better. Infact until this past dec. when i popped a blood vessel i kept making reasons why it was ok that i had disordered eating. But when i popped that blood vessel, i was so scared. Until that point i never believed my disorder would do anything bad to me. But that really opened my eyes to the truth.
I know your afraid of going to your doctor, but telling them is one of the best things you can do . Let them do a blood test to find out why your so dizzy. And a treatment center might benifit you. I went to one over the summer and it helped a lot. Or you could call you insurance company, and see if you can find a theripist that specializes in eds.
Telling you brother is a great idea. Especially if your close. You don't have to be alone in this. And here your not. Good Luck
Awe if I could give you a hug I would.
What we have is body dysmorphia, which means what we see is different that what we actually are. I've met some folks who are the opposite as well, much heavier then they actually are, it actually happens alot .
Maybe you can get your brother to go with you when you go to the doctor, you don't want to feel alone, that's the worse thing. Once you tell him, it will be easier to disclose what is going on, but please please get some help. I don't want you to end up a statistic.
I hope you post more, because the more you do that, the easier it will be to actually talk about it.
During the end of Dec and until last week, I was having kidney issues from a reaction to a med. I've had no appetite at all, I'm forcing myself to eat. My pdoc thinks I'm withholding again and switched a med that I take. I have plenty of yogurt and I'm eating fruit and bread, pretty much the only thing I can tolerate. I'm worried abour relapsing and affecting my body again. I used to love feeling that hungry feeling, I realized today, that I started feeling the same way. So I'm going to have to talk about that in therapy next week and force myself to eat even more. *sighs*, it's like any addiction, you can be "clean", but you'll always be an addict.
Check out in your area for ED support groups as well. I went down to 160ish when I first lost weight, I was so boney, but I didn't even feel good then, you know there is an issue when that happens.
Know there are others struggling and you aren't alone.
Keep in touch please, you have support here,
LCC
What we have is body dysmorphia, which means what we see is different that what we actually are. I've met some folks who are the opposite as well, much heavier then they actually are, it actually happens alot .
Maybe you can get your brother to go with you when you go to the doctor, you don't want to feel alone, that's the worse thing. Once you tell him, it will be easier to disclose what is going on, but please please get some help. I don't want you to end up a statistic.
I hope you post more, because the more you do that, the easier it will be to actually talk about it.
During the end of Dec and until last week, I was having kidney issues from a reaction to a med. I've had no appetite at all, I'm forcing myself to eat. My pdoc thinks I'm withholding again and switched a med that I take. I have plenty of yogurt and I'm eating fruit and bread, pretty much the only thing I can tolerate. I'm worried abour relapsing and affecting my body again. I used to love feeling that hungry feeling, I realized today, that I started feeling the same way. So I'm going to have to talk about that in therapy next week and force myself to eat even more. *sighs*, it's like any addiction, you can be "clean", but you'll always be an addict.
Check out in your area for ED support groups as well. I went down to 160ish when I first lost weight, I was so boney, but I didn't even feel good then, you know there is an issue when that happens.
Know there are others struggling and you aren't alone.
Keep in touch please, you have support here,
LCC
Thank you for your concern.
I think I'm going to tell my brother. And this is how:
I Look in the Mirror
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
A confused young woman staring at me.
Fear in her eyes, pain in her heart,
She needs some help, yet doesn't know where to start.
What to do, who to talk too are questions in her mind,
Someone who'll understand her, she feels she'll never find.
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
A fat and ugly person still staring at me.
Now tears fill her eyes as she sits down to think,
Her problem has worsened, her heart begins to sink.
Twenty five years old and a lifetime to go,
Two lovely children to hold and watch grow.
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
Myself, with a disorder staring at me.
Denial is common, admittance is the key,
Now I'd like to help the woman staring at me.
Written by: Stacy L. Szalacha
September 5, 1999
I think I'm going to tell my brother. And this is how:
I Look in the Mirror
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
A confused young woman staring at me.
Fear in her eyes, pain in her heart,
She needs some help, yet doesn't know where to start.
What to do, who to talk too are questions in her mind,
Someone who'll understand her, she feels she'll never find.
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
A fat and ugly person still staring at me.
Now tears fill her eyes as she sits down to think,
Her problem has worsened, her heart begins to sink.
Twenty five years old and a lifetime to go,
Two lovely children to hold and watch grow.
I look in the mirror and what do I see,
Myself, with a disorder staring at me.
Denial is common, admittance is the key,
Now I'd like to help the woman staring at me.
Written by: Stacy L. Szalacha
September 5, 1999
Hi there!
You've got some serious issues that are now endangering your actual life, not just the way you look. If your hair is thinning, you are bruising easily, your blood pressure is going down and affecting your heart if you are dizzy, and affecting your pancreas. I'm being direct because anyone with an ED (like myself) has to hear the blunt truth, If you don't get help within the year, you will die. If that doesn't scare you, I'm not sure what will.
It's important that you go to an ER and get admitted immediately,so that you can get an evaluation, you are sick physically, and emotionally you're in serious trouble. You are slowly committing suicide, I'm absolutely serious. Many hospitals have inpatient clinics, or they will assess you in a psych unit and then find one.
I have been bulemic since I was 11-12 yrs old, went into remission on my own accord after I stopped my highly competitive sports at 19, ( i was national level and heading for the Olympics). I would binge/purge and withhold, but couldn't totally get away with it, i needed energy to train.
I'm going to tell you what long term things to expect if you don't get help. You may rupture the blood vessels in your throat and bleed out (i broke some), you will get bone loss which included your jawbone, i have lost most of my bottom teeth.I have Gastro Esophogeal Reflux Disease, really really bad heart burn. I'm borderline diabetic now, because what your're doing really affects your pancreas. I have bone density loss, and am at serious risk of breaking my bones in my feet, something you shouldn't have a risk of until your 80's. You may have a heart attack, that's how must anorexics die, bulemics usually bleed out.
I gained about 80lbs after i retired from sports. I still had disordered eating, I binged all the time. Laxatives absolutely DON"T work, you are only depleting your body of nutrients, and your body may stop being able to digest food properly permanently. I stupidly got my stomach stapled and gaind 1/2 the weight back. I would eat then feel guilty, so i would get sick to my stomach. I found out it was passive purging. I have no gag reflex, if I at all feel nauseated, i will throw up. I also have troubles swallowing
I still feel guilty eating, but i eat 2 to 3 meals a day, and am focused on making sure i eat protein and complex carbs, that way your body won't quickly absorb the sugar and turn it to fat. At this point, anything that seems healthy if you can eat it, best to do so. No junk food because you will feel guilty, then beat yourself up because you did it.
Most ED'ers suffer from depression and they are side by side with ED's. Medication to help with your depression and a med for compulsion will help you get better, and therapy on top of that. You made the first by talking here about it. You need to find the courage to go forward and get help, I really hope and pray you do.
LCC
You've got some serious issues that are now endangering your actual life, not just the way you look. If your hair is thinning, you are bruising easily, your blood pressure is going down and affecting your heart if you are dizzy, and affecting your pancreas. I'm being direct because anyone with an ED (like myself) has to hear the blunt truth, If you don't get help within the year, you will die. If that doesn't scare you, I'm not sure what will.
It's important that you go to an ER and get admitted immediately,so that you can get an evaluation, you are sick physically, and emotionally you're in serious trouble. You are slowly committing suicide, I'm absolutely serious. Many hospitals have inpatient clinics, or they will assess you in a psych unit and then find one.
I have been bulemic since I was 11-12 yrs old, went into remission on my own accord after I stopped my highly competitive sports at 19, ( i was national level and heading for the Olympics). I would binge/purge and withhold, but couldn't totally get away with it, i needed energy to train.
I'm going to tell you what long term things to expect if you don't get help. You may rupture the blood vessels in your throat and bleed out (i broke some), you will get bone loss which included your jawbone, i have lost most of my bottom teeth.I have Gastro Esophogeal Reflux Disease, really really bad heart burn. I'm borderline diabetic now, because what your're doing really affects your pancreas. I have bone density loss, and am at serious risk of breaking my bones in my feet, something you shouldn't have a risk of until your 80's. You may have a heart attack, that's how must anorexics die, bulemics usually bleed out.
I gained about 80lbs after i retired from sports. I still had disordered eating, I binged all the time. Laxatives absolutely DON"T work, you are only depleting your body of nutrients, and your body may stop being able to digest food properly permanently. I stupidly got my stomach stapled and gaind 1/2 the weight back. I would eat then feel guilty, so i would get sick to my stomach. I found out it was passive purging. I have no gag reflex, if I at all feel nauseated, i will throw up. I also have troubles swallowing
I still feel guilty eating, but i eat 2 to 3 meals a day, and am focused on making sure i eat protein and complex carbs, that way your body won't quickly absorb the sugar and turn it to fat. At this point, anything that seems healthy if you can eat it, best to do so. No junk food because you will feel guilty, then beat yourself up because you did it.
Most ED'ers suffer from depression and they are side by side with ED's. Medication to help with your depression and a med for compulsion will help you get better, and therapy on top of that. You made the first by talking here about it. You need to find the courage to go forward and get help, I really hope and pray you do.
LCC
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