Post-binge

[Jaquta]

Do you have any advice for post emotional eating sessions?
I can try and understand what has precipitated the behavior in order to learn from it for the future.  I can be kind to myself so that I don't spiral down or further out of control.
Should I look to return to healthier eating patterns as soon as possible (meaning I shouldn't compensate or over-compensate for the behavior)?

I have been doing really well with making healthy nutritional and lifestyle changes.  I am disappointed in myself for making such a huge mess of the past few days.

Can I vent?
I've been really tired and I haven't been sleeping well.  Both my T and GP have asked about my mood.  I think my GP believes there should have been greater improvement in my energy levels.  I've been taking iron pills now for over a month.
My T hasn't done any therapy with me yet and says he can't until I trust him and have confidence in him.  He says he won't work with me until I have got over the loss of my last T.  I don't think I'm grieving for her as she gave me access to her via e-mail.  I told him that I thought not doing therapy was jeopardizing the relationship.
My GP hasn't had a 'timely or appropriate' response (or any response actually) from the director of mh and has now taken the matter to the service manager.  Since my T left last September (08) I feel things have deteriorated again.  I'm feeling stressed and frustrated.
I went to therapy on Thursday and my appointment had been canceled.  A phone call to tell me so would have been nice.  They send me out appointment letters every other week when I know my appointment times and ask them not to post anything out.  Are all patients suppose to be seriously retarded and not able to remember a date?  I wish the cost of postage, etc was put towards proper therapy.
Dad has been sick this week with the 'man-flu'.  He has a runny nose and acts like he's dying.  Maybe I wish he would -he's so pathetic and disrespectful.  

[Jaquta]

Thanks!!
I think I've immersed myself so deeply into the negative that that appears to be my reality.  I think that when I talk to others (my GP, yourself, etc) I experience things differently and see possibilities.

Reality doesn't change when one is emotional, does it?  It is merely perspective or perception that does.

I think I use the word 'diet' as shorthand for many things.  I think in this instance it is about long-term behavioral changes.

That makes sense.  Energy in versus energy out.  This time it feels more like accountability and less like deprivation.

No, it's not a raise.  I think I fear not sustaining the lifestyle changes.  I think this is also causing me to stagnate a little and not take risks (not be adventurous).

That is why I don't try anymore -because I never measure up.
I need to lighten up, don't I?  (I guess in more ways than one.)

I believe you're right.  Weight wise it is a different sort of want.  I feel very driven this time.  Poor health has been a great motivator.  (I suppose needs don't even factor into the equation either.  Wants are much more powerful.)
You know, I have wanted, desperately wanted, to work through and resolve my mental health issues.  I see now that that was never going to be enough as I didn't even want to be here.  I don't understand this.
Is it fear holding me back from living?  Emotional dysregulation?  Thoughts, feelings and memories -nothing in my mind to be afraid of.  I feel this is really important.
I need to think about this but I think I might need to ask another question about this.
How did you get so good at this?  At your job?
Can I not participate (fully) in life because I sit on the fence?  I'm not sure how I could commit to wanting to being here?  Do I want to be here??

Thanks for this.  This has made a real difference this afternoon.
I was feeling pretty upset too because I have the flu and my father turned the electric fence on while I was shifting it.  :(  And just everything again.

Thank you so much for your time and input -I really appreciate it.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You are right..your venting does seem to help when you come full circle back to reality...the ground that you can stand on...go back to basic principles when you get lost re food....you wnat to change your life style eating habits...not diet....when you binge or eat too much, compensate for it by getting back on track and being a bit more careful than usual until you are back to even...it is not a raise, and there is no failure if you change your habits..measuring yourself in order to beat yourself up is bad medicine...serves no purpose....you'll get to where you want to go once you decide you really want to be there.

[Jaquta]

Sorry for venting all my issues and frustrations here.
I should have heeded all the warning signs.  Maybe next time I will be able to intervene earlier.
I guess it's not a good thing to be constantly upset by reality and differing expectations.  I try to be flexible but my emotions are chaotic, confused and counter-productive.
Today I wonder if I will ever break these rigid cognitive patterns.  

Two weeks ago my T said he wouldn't do therapy with me because I was emotionally unstable.  Is it even fair to ask me to manage my emotions and frustrations with the service without them providing any support?
Why do I feel so insecure and not trust me?
Writing this I sense I may still be angry with the mhs.

About the emotional eating.  I had two particularly bad days for binge eating so I cut my calorie count a little to try and compensate -nothing extreme.  On Thursday, the end of my dietary week, I will increase it again.
I think my biggest problem at the moment is getting caught up in believing that I need to lose one kilogram a week.  It's putting a lot of pressure on me and forcing me to return to previous unhealthy behaviors (restricting and over-eating, etc).  Last week I only lost 400 g which contributed to me feeling like a failure (despite working very hard) and out of control.
I think hormonal changes may have played a part too.  I'm still not sure of what strategies I can use here.  I still seem to be getting derailed more often than not.  One would have thought that with regular (irregular) menstrual cycles that this would have been easy to figure out.
Maybe next time I'll just run with the 400 g weight loss.  The binge may have been triggered by the mood symptoms as well (and not all the compounding stress).

Thanks for listening.  This helps to give me closure on this little blip of my journey.  Hopefully I would have learned from this experience (which seems the same but is different).  Thanks!!

[Jaquta]

We have had a sick cow for over four weeks and I have asked both my parents to look at it and sort it out.  They didn't and Dad kept telling me there was nothing wrong with it.  I'd had enough and was going to get it treated.  They finally relented and acknowledged it had a problem.  I feel devastated for the cow and for not trusting myself and getting her treated sooner.
I saw one of our neighbors in town earlier this week.  She was one of the nurses on the psych ward who ended up marrying our neighbor.  Her husband died several months ago from melanoma.  (Her first husband died five days after the birth of their daughter in a farm accident).  She said she would be interested in a relationship, as friends vs nurse-patient.  I feel confused.   I liked her but she was advocating for me and then supported the doctor wanting to give me ect.  I feel a little awkward around her.  I have a good relationship with my old cmhn (and he's mellowed since being diagnosed with Hep. C I think it was).  Makes me wonder whether I should engage with her.  ??
There was a lot happening at home recently and mum has been really tired and grumpy.  Her head injuries make her very hard to live with at times.  I find it difficult to deal with all the personality changes, etc.
It's all rather trivial, isn't it?
I forget to mention the TIA or migraine stuff but then that seems to have happened a whole lifetime ago.  I didn't go for my three monthly surgical out-patients appointment.  My tests in August came back fine.  My GP said not getting the checks done wasn't an option but ... I just haven't had them done.  Although I don't feel comfortable with people touching me I figured he could do them.  It must get fairly boring listening to me whine about mh stuff all the time (even though he has done some other medical assessments lately).  It's probably not fair to split stuff off and I should learn to trust him with everything.  Like bawling my eyes out in front of him isn't enough.
I think I've definitely had way too much sugar and I can't think let alone concentrate.
I think it's just about put me to sleep too.
Was food just a way to self-medicate?  Because I'm tired?  I think I may have over-looked some food groups and that may have played a big (small?) part.
Sorry!  I've written way too much and I'm very, very tired.

J