Trying to stop

[trying2stop158]

How many times i have told myself that this will be the last time that i binge and purge.  I am 38 and have had this disorder for most of my life.  It started when i was 15.  It has gotten worse in the last year or so.  I am out of control right now.  It seems like i have spent half of my life over the toilet.  I have started to take laxatives now.  I go out of my weight to buy foods that of course are high in calories, because i know i can get rid of it.  I have to get this under control or it is going to ruin my life.  I feel like it already has.

[Petal478]

Thank you avisg - we all know how serious eating disorders are and this is a place where everyone should be able to speak openly and confidently - I was actually going to report that person but I didn't want to cause any unnecessary posts from her/him as people are here for help and support only, which they are entitled to - not abuse. So thanks.

[avisg]

if she post like this agian i will make sure it is reported to med help........

[Petal478]

I agree with you ter_in_pa that person shouldnt be in this forum its cruel to be so sarcastic to those who are suffering with eating disorders. I misread your post and thought it was about mine and I thought "dontmesswithme" was commenting on mine. Anyway this is a forum for people that need help I have commented and thats all I intended on doing. Goodbye

[Petal478]

If your comment was aimed at me mr or mrs "dontmesswitme" then maybe you should actually read what I have said I used to be bulimic and now I am starting to turn anorexic so I have a right to offer advice in this forum like anyone who has/had this illness so take your anger elsewhere.

[ter_in_pa]

your comments on this forum are uncalled for.  You obviously don't have a probem with an eating disorder.  We, and I think I speak for all who have an ed and look at this forum, need to release our feelings to someone who will really understand and relate to our feelings.  This forum helps me know that I am not alone.  I do wish to be cured from this horrible, addicting disease.  But until I wish to seek professional help, I find this site helps.  So plz just take your observations, opinions and bad wishes to another forum.  Best of luck to...............................mr. or mrs. PERFECT!!@#$%^&*

[Petal478]

I used to be bulimic and now have a hiatus hernia and I blame my eating disorder for it as the more I tried to get back on track and have a meal like everyone else the more it would decide to come up itself and now look what its lead to - something i have forever as its not a large hernia so they wont take it out. I am now meant to be on tablets that I avoid taking as they make me too too tired so its making me now not eat somedays so that i avoid being sick as all i get is pure acid. Its a vicious circle I feel like I am now turning anorexic because I just dont want to cause vomiting and am not going back on them tablets but maybe one day they will take all hernias out on patients regardless of size as it only causes people like us to become more ill.x

[dontmesswitme]

oh please, you know laxatives dont do ANYTHING about your weight. However throwing up DOES, and your 38, a grown female, just ball up and quit. And btw, going onto the internet for help is useless, a grown woman should be able to decide for herself how to fix this simple problem.

[trying2stop158]

You sound like how I feel....I can't even express my desperation at times.  I got the phone number to a therapist near where I live, and I am going to call her today.  I just want so badly to be well.  All my friends think that I live like a health nut as well.  I just want that food item just like you.  My problem is that I have had to much time alone this past month, and all i do is binge and purge.  Very Sick indeed.  I hope that this therapist can be the answer to my prayers.  Keep in touch I will let you know how it all goes.  We are not alone.  

[Liza55]

One of the hardest parts of treating eating disorders is it is similar to other addictions...despite negative consequences, you do it anyway. I think about my body's insides as well- my poor esophagus must be damaged. My teeth look white, but I've had tons of cavities. I also go round and round w/ why I do this. I can;t tell anyone close to me, b/c of 1) embarassment and 2) they think I live like a health nut. It feels like I just want the food...I want cake or Dorritos or pizza or even a huge bowl of cereal. I just want that food item. I plan very carefully though and can postpone a binge til I know I will have time alone. Sick, of course. I tell myself I must stop,of course. But, as I said, is an addiction....and like any other addict, you can shake your head and wonder in disgust why they just don't stop it. And, like other addicts, professional therapy is the only real choice for possible help. I've been to a few, get frustrated, but I'm sure there's some that really help. The best thing about this forum is knowing that you aren't alone in this illness.

[hea]

Not that you want to take pills but Topamax has been a life saver for me.  It's a seizure medication but it's being used to treat migraines, bipolar, bulimia and many other off label issues.  I don't know if your dr. will prescribe it for blumia or not but it's a miracle for me.  I'm 36 and have been struggling with anorexia/bulimia since I was 13.  I do have a therapist and am seeing a nutritionist as well but, for whatever reason, the topamax has stopped the desire to purge.  I'm hoping that once I have the other issues resolved I will be able to function without any medications at all.  If not, so be it.  I know I'm happy not running to the toilet after every meal, no puffy face, no sore throat, no **** nuckles, no red eyes, etc....  I'll be even happier when I'm not obsessing over every little thing I eat and that's getting better too.  I've thrown out the scale.  That felt good.  Take baby steps and be proud of the accomplishments you do make.  Know that you can't do it alone.  Accept help from those who are willing to give it to you.  Maybe the first question you need to ask yourself is why are you afraid of getting help?  Why are you afraid of losing the ed?  Is it how you define yourself?  If so, who do you  want to define yourself in that manner?  It doesn't make you happy.  That's about all I can think of right now.

Heather

[trying2stop158]

You are an inspiration.  I admire you courage and loyalty to your family.  It is funny how the closest ones around are the ones that don't understand.  I am trying to locate a therapist around my area.  I had a no so good day yesterday, but today I am off to a great start.  I had one nectarine, 1 1/2 cups of grapes, and two kiwi's with flaxseed prinkled on them.  That was my breakfast, and I ate that after I did yoga.  I like it when steve is home because I don't feel as tempted to eat the wrong foods.  I am looking still looking for a job.  What hard work that is.  I have an interview on Tuesday with a dermatology/plastic surgery firm.  I am looking forward to that, but i can't take an average paying job.  It has been two weeks since leaving my place of employment.  I have worked since I was 13, and it is so weird to not have a place to have to be at a certain time.  I am so happy that you are better.  It sounds like you have a very nice life.  I have a wonderful finace, and we are very much in love.  I look forward to him everyday.  He is a joy and pleasure.  My daughter is 20 and my son is 18.  They are both on their own and doing fine.  I have to learn how to look at food as a need for fuel, not a need for escaping or trying to cope with events that i can not control.  I wish I was already all well.  I wish more than anything that I could stop this behavior on my own, but I have resigned myself to the fact a long time ago, that it isn't possible.  I need help from an outside source.  

[avisg]

Trying ,
the scariest part of this is that your not just harming your body your putting yourself at risk of death .
Death that is one of the realities . This is what really kind of forced me to get better . I had two kids that needed a mom . I was not ready to die. I saw a therapist for about a year .Then I took the skills I had learned and did the rest on my own. For my 30th birthday as a gift I got all of my upper teeth crowned . I however did not do it until I was sure i was never going back down this road .
  My parents and my hubby wanted to help but they could not understand why I could not just eat .
     Today I get to go to the Fair with my family and I am really looking forward to the treats i will have today .I used to dread going anywhere around food ,it was the enemy . Now it nourishes me it makes me strong and gives me energy.
Avis

[trying2stop158]

Thanks for you comment.  The thing is for me is that I will go out of my way to eat something just so i  can get rid of it.  I am so sick of this, i want to just throw all of the food away.  I do that sometimes.  I throw away stuff that i have been binging on just so I won't want to eat it.  I am waisting my life, money, and energy.  I spend money on a protein smoothie, I bring the whey protein, which is quite spendy, I know it is good for my body, but it just wont stay down.  Everything that I eat wants to come up.  I know that I am very sick, but you couldn't tell it from the outside.  Thanks for listening.  How long have you had you ED?  Have you sought help?

Me

[trying2stop158]

I wouldn't think of group therapy.  I didn't have a good day yesterday.  It was really bad.  When all was said and done, I just layed on my couch and cried like a baby wondering why I do this to my body.  I do have to get help or I am going to really do my body harm.  Worse than i already am.  I don't have some of the symptoms, like knuckle scarring, bad teeth, but I don't have any idea what the inside of me is thinking.  I am so proud of you that you overcame your ED, which from the way it sounds was Anorexia and Buliam?  Sometimes I get so sick thinking, I wish that I could hate food and starve myself.  I hate myself for thinking that, knowing how many women have that disorder, and they die from it.  All I can say is that i am glad that i can pour my heart out to someone who really knows what I am going thru.  Did your husband and parents worry about you?  Did they actually know what you were going thru, and did they try to help.  I teach 7 fitness classes a week.  I love working out and motivating others, but if they only knew what i did behind closed doors.  How much therapy did you do?  HOw long did you see a therapist.  

Best wishes,

Me

[avisg]

yes they did then never really got better to tell ya the truth I was able to have two kids one before my ED one during (but it took be two years of trying, surgery, and clomid). I have since had to have a hysterectomy when i was 33 .
avis

[alishauk]

Personal question....... did ur periods stop, i have not been on a period for 5mths since giving birth! i have been bottle feeding no breast milk, cld it be that i am the only person that lost weight after giving birth and a further 7lbs after that! i wish...i cld wake up and change! already i am thining of tomorrow and how to avoid a social gathering!

[alishauk]

I so understand wot u going through, i will starve myself all day and then reward myself at night good luck, all i think about is how to avoid food, so it does not interfere with my eating plan, which is safe foods i regard, i go to the gymn push myself on the treadmill see i have burnt 1000 calories and then treat myself! good luck!

[avisg]

trying, yes even though both my hubby and my parents were around the whole time i was sick they really did not know what to do. they could not figure out why I just could not eat . It almost ruined my marriage I left for a while . I needed to get better for me. I did we were able to work it out but it
puts such a strain on a relationship.
   I would go almost a week at a time without eating I lived on cigarette's and coffee . When I did eat it would be at night when everyone was asleep and then I would binge cuz I was starving am very proud of you for eating healthy food yesterday and knowing when to stop, babysteps girl babysteps.
I strongly recommend therapy one on one ,group therapy for eating disorders is a VERY bad Idea. I am here to help .
Avis

[trying2stop158]

I agree that this is something that can't be done on my own.  To compound the problem that I have been trying to cope with, I recently was layed off from my job of 9 years, one week shy of my ninth anniversary.  I was the perfect employee, no tardy's, write-ups or refereal, unexused absences at all.  I had a clean record, and all my evaluations were better than average.  I didn't make sense, and I have kinda went on a downhill slope since then.  I have opened up the my wonderful fiance, but he doesn't understand what I am really dealing with.  I was hoping that he could be my support system.  I don't have one.  I guess it is hard for an outsider who is "normal" to really understand what we are going thru.  I am without insurence now, and I would like to see a nutritionist and therapist.  I would like to just pour my heart out.  I wish to heavens that I could control this myself.  Thank you for talking with me. It helps.  I ate a healthy lunch yesterday, veggies and sweet potatoe, and then i felt like it wasn't enough, so I turned on the stove to heat up some water so I could binge on oatmeal, and I thought to myself "get up and turn it off"  I turned off the stove, and I left the house.  I always tell my self to get up and leave when I feel like you are getting to that point.  Yesterday it worked, but not always.  Thanks for listening.

[avisg]

I saw a therapist and a nutritionist there was no inpatient care at the time in my area or I would have taken it .By the time I was 28 I was a little over 80 pnds I had two kids and i really thought I would die. I had to make up my mind to get better . I did it slow .You really need a support system
this is not something you can do all by yourself .
Avis

[trying2stop158]

How did you get it under control?  Did you do it on your own?  I can't believe I can do this to my body.   I am in the Fitness industry, and i know the benefits of proper eating.  HOW DID YOU DO IT?  What kind of support system did you have?

[avisg]

Trying ,
You can get control of this it does not have to ruin your life . I started working on my ED at 28 and had it under control by 30 .it took two years to get to a healthy weight .I now stay right around 130
I work out 4 times a week an hour each time . I still have mental struggles with foods but least I don't live with the fear of dieing everyday now . There can be a better life for you. Feel free to e mail me if you would like my addy is on my profile.
Avis