Long-time Bulimic- What is my damage?

[collegegirl324]

Hello Doctor,

How can one learn about the damage they've done to their body after a lifetime of bulimia? Is there somewhere confidential where one could go to figure this out? I am 20 years old and worried about all the damage that i have done in the last 7 years.

I have been throwing up for 7 years, since I was 13 and just cant stop. It has just gotten worse since I have been in college. I go to a competitive top 20 uni. and am always under stress. I never used to throw up every meal, but now I do and I only eat once a day (for the past entire year). This all started when I was a freshman in high school. I lost a lot of weight because i stopped eating  and dropped down to size 1 at 5'10. The strange thing is no one from my family ever thought it was a big deal and encouraged my dieting. Some of my teachers and my coach noticed, but they didnt do anything either except talk to me once or twice about weight loss.

I then switched to throwing up occasionally and always limiting what i eat. Now I always throw up. I eat in my dorm room and then throw up. I know its disgusting. At the moment, no one would expect me to have a problem with eating as I am average weight at size 4, 5'10, 140 pounds.   I did develop a heart condition though last year (irregular /slow heart beat) which caused me to faint which i know must be a result of all this. I dont ever foresee admitting that I have a problem to anyone and I doubt anyone will ever notice. Everyone I know thinks everything is fine because i have a lot of friends, do well in school, have a lot of activities, etc... A lot of friends say to me "i wish i could be you," but inside i just feel miserable and depressed. Im not the type of person who will go for help, though im sure that will be the advice you will give me. I could never admit this horrible, embarrassing habit to anyone. I just wanted to know if there is any confidential way i could find out how much horrible damage i have done to myself. I really dont want to die. I have a lot to live for, but i dont want to be fat either and just cant stop. I am really scared that I am going to die. I know what i am doing is completely stupid, moronic, etc... but i just cant stop. Every time I eat something, I feel full and need to throw up. Its weird, but everyone always says on these help sites to get help from a doctor, but i cant do that. I dont want to admit it to anyone and also i am on my parents insurance and dont have any funds of my own to pay for a doctor and i definitely would not go for help at school where i could run into someone.

Anyway, Thanks.

[jingy28]

Hi,
  I have had a very simular life iv been this way for 15 years. im looking for help to. the flip side of it is i am underweight and i can barly get out of bed anymore im also courious as to what iv done to my body.
J

[bluebutterfly2222]

I hope you are able to botain help with your eating disorder, which can seriously affect your psychological well-being as well as your physical health.

This is a link to an article about a family that lost their daughter to bulimia, and the mother is making a documentary about it. There is a also a link to her Web site in the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/fashion/22Melissa.html?pagewanted=1&th&emc=th

Best wishes...

[20stock]

Drive to another town if you don't want anyone to know. But try a support group somewhere you are definitely not alone with this situation. There is so much more that will harm you from this, besides the action of throwing up. Body goes through harmful changes. I agree with Zoelula.

[Zoelula]

You are right that we are going to suggest you get help, and I think that is what you want to do. Otherwise you are right, you could die. The damage you are concerned about is still happening and you need help to stop it. You are not stupid, moronic or any of those words. You have an eating disorder which is an illness. Would you tell a friend they were stupid for having diabetes or asthma? Or even for having an eating disorder? Your illness needs treatment and there is no more shame in that then if you had diabetes or asthma or any other illness. It won't get better otherwise it will only get worse.

You have taken the first step by admitting you have a problem here, in this forum. But that isn't enoug because we can only encourage you to get the help you need. You need to see a doctor and get referred to a therapist with experience with eating disorders. Unfortunately eating disorders are not uncommon on college campuses, and if your friends are caring friends, they would want you to get help. I have 16 years recovery from my eating disorder but I waited to get help till I was a lot older than you. You don't have to live this way. But you have to stop saying you "could never do that" and allow yourself to get the help you deserve.