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What can a wife do?
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What can a wife do?

My husband has had problems with ED for a while, due to medication. For a very long time I was very ill and so we had an essentially sexless marriage for a couple of years.  A couple of years ago we decided that we needed to address the issue. We tried a few of the ED pills and Cialis seems to work best for him but it doesn't work every time and he wishes that he didn't have to take it so sometimes we go without. When we do have sex he gets so worried about whether or not he will get hard that the whole thing is rushed. I frequently have to not only get him ready but myself and if things start to go "wrong" he gives up and gets mad.

I've done some reading into the psychological aspects of ED and we have discussed it. I believe that if he were to think of sex differently the problem could be improved. It had become all about the erection and that's takes the fun out of it. It's my thinking that part of the problem is that his brain is not turned on...he's not really giving it time to get turned on because he jumps right to intercourse for fear of losing his erection. I have told him that I would not be disappointed if foreplay doesn't lead to intercourse. I've talked with him about maybe focusing on me on those nights we get into it and he realizes that it's not going to work for him (certainly in the past I have "taken care of" him when I was not really up for intercourse). I have tried to be understanding and let him know that I am not judging him. Of course there have been fights over this but most of the time I try to discuss it without putting any pressure on him but I honestly don't know if that is a help or hindrance.

What can I do to help him? He is reading a lot of the things that I am but he seems unable to change his mindset when it comes to what constitutes successful sex.
3 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi Puppet, OK need to know his age? for what his drugs were or still are for? is he healthy? is he over weight? does he drink alcohol a lot?
All these things are sex killers, I do have a piece about sex with out an erection you may find intresting, but its for both of you, he needs to focus on your sexual needs as well, the piece is from an old Forum mag, but try it for a start.
The most important information I got from the convention was a method which makes it possible to have inter course with a flaccid or semi erect penis.
The following technique was described at the symposium: The man lies flat on his back, the women straddles him in a half kneeling position, leaning on her left knee, and on the right foot. This gives her room to manipulate with her right hand, She clamps the penis firmly but not to tightly at the base with her thumb and index finger (palm facing the mans body).This causes sufficient firmness to allow insertion. The women then sits firmly upon the penis. This approach permit she a wide range of movement and not only enables a considerable penetration but gives her the opportunity to rub her clitoris against her index finger.
When the erection is complete she may remove her hand and let her partner begin the active coital movement.
If for any reason this method doesn’t not, then the couple should try a special friction technique between a flaccid penis and the clitoris. The man lies flat on his back. The women lies on top of him in a prone superior position. She begins to embrace and kiss him passionately. Then she starts a belly dance movement to stimulate the penis. Later she assumes a position which enables her to rub her clitoris to the soft penis. By kissing her partner and the clitoris friction she will get aroused, which, in turn, will excite her partner. Then he may achieve a partial or full erection.
In the former case she used the clamping technique, and in the latter case she may start coitus by inserting his penis.
It appears that more and more men are losing their ability to have intercourse with a women without her active participation, there is very little a man can do to cure his own impotence and sympathetic woman can do it for him.

What you have read above comes from a 1970 Forum magazine, its from a piece written by Dr Eugene Scheimann, when he went to a swingers convention in Chicago, and this was a small part on impotence/ED, its so us men could have some kind of sex lives before drugs come to the front to overcome ED
Please come back with the info.
Good Luck
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Avatar_m_tn
He is 44 and the meds are and antidepressant (zoloft) and propranolol which he isn't taking for a heart condition . Its for this strange adrenaline thing he sometimes gets. He is slightly overweight and has non-hodgkins lymphoma. Its a kind that you can't cure completely just shrink when it starts causing problems. He hasn't had chemo for around three years. The ed problems started well before any weight gain or his cancer diagnosis.We are unlucky enough to both having had periods where we had some pretty serious medical problems. It was the antidepressants that started everything and while we were trying to work with it I was diagnosed with endometriosis so sex was extremely painful for me so we really didn't even worry about trying to figure out how to make it work because I couldn't anyhow. Once that was resolved we started talking about seeing a sex therapist and right at that time was when he started chemo for the first time.So, needless to say it has been a real struggle. Now he's older and out of practice and has zero confidence. I have been trying to get him to think about sex differently and he agrees but when the time comes he doesn't really put it into action.
As I said previously this has caused strain in our marriage and I don't want to feel like a nag (from his perspective)or a loser begging her husband to have sex with her and being constantly rebuffed (how I sometimes think of it) so really want some information about how best to talk with him without it putting even more pressure on him.
Those tips are helpful btw...I'll see if its something he wants to try.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi Puppet, I think you will find its the antidepressents that he is taken, there sex killers, and you can google side effects of antidepressents. and you can also google natural ways out of depression, you may find an answer there.
But any overweight does not help with our sex lives, try him on a simple diet, and get out brisk walking and swimming, two good all round ways to exersize, keep him off fast foods and junk foods, to much salt and sugars in them, get him to snack on fruit.
Hope this helps for now.
Plese come back.
Good Luck
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