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Dreams....
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Dreams....

Does any of the worried wells on these forums get any night dreams about HIV...about testing and getting a positive/negative result. It happens to me and it freaks me out....
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19 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
Did u even read my question !!
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Avatar_n_tn
ive had dreams and its almost like i see something realting to hiv everywhere i go
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Avatar_n_tn
it freaks me out too, but its just our guilt and paranoia taking over
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Avatar_m_tn
Yeah, i dreamt i was dead.
This is a bad omen in my culture.
I'm consummed with thoughts of Hiv/suicide.
I'm talking about every minute of everyday, all day.
I'm sorry to post negative thoughts, this does not help anyone and is not a healthy outlook, but this is what i'm personally experiencing.
I'm not intersted in counsil, just a confired negative hiv test result or i'm going to check out, seriously.
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Avatar_m_tn
I've lived with HIV/AIDS for 23 years and at no time have I ever thought of "Checking Out." That is only a thought someone that is not knowledgeable of HIV would have and it's also a "Cowards" type of thinking. If you have those type of thoughts, you DO need counseling.
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Avatar_m_tn
Calling someone who is seriously thinking about commiting suicide a coward is always a judgemental knee jerk reaction.Don't look down on me because i'm making this choice, it's no insult to the corageous people with hiv -or- aids who live and cope with their illness constructivly. I on the otherhand have been suffering from depression all my life as it was anyways. My father was a suicide attempter (wrists) which leaves a lasting impression on a teen. He attemped many other times as well. I will not be attenpting anything if things go in a certain direction i will choose to leave this earth, no oke my friend. I respect the advice you have given many on this forum. I'm not knowledgable of hiv/aids in regards to living positive. I'm not intrested in cousel if i'm positive, i'm simply not intrested in continuing my life beyonds the time mentioned, sorry.
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry for all the type o's, english is my second language, plus i wrote without proof reading my post.
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Avatar_m_tn
You are a coward. Period. If you have depression, then seek counseling. You don't have to live with depression. There are medications to help persons with depression. If you are not interesting in living, then why are you even here on this forum? If you weren't interested in living you wouldn't be here. Seek help, you cannot find the help you need on the Internet.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Checking Out isn't "cowardly" I'd say it's The Last resort of a unreasonable Irrational Mind.
IMHO, No Suicidal person should ever be told it's cowardly. That Puts Blame on the Person, Makes them even more Depressed and More Likely to Carry it Through even if they were just thinking aloud!

Suicidal thoughts are Very Common in Depression. a signs it's becoming unmanageable.
Prolonged Anxiety Makes you depressed without even Knowing. It's your life, You can do what you like. Suicide in Not Cowardly, BUT it is NOT the Right thing to do either. Cultural differences are difficult to understand. Things will get better, it may take 3 months, 6 months whatever.
You Need that Glimmer of Hope. It exists. The path of a 1000 miles starts with one step.
I suggest you talk to Someone you trust about your Feelings. You cannot change the past now, only the Future.
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Avatar_m_tn
btw
I had One dream when I had Ulcers and spots in Mouth, gums going brown, etc thought i'd wake up with White Fungus covering my Mouth and KS!!!!! Urgghhhh I Had Sweats those 2 nights(anxiety) I though was Night Sweats due to seroconversion, this was at 4 months and wth Negative!!
. In my defence, I did Have real Nodes Swelling up too at the time in multiple areas. Only that One time though, never dreamt re HIV since.Keepin awake was the problem!
It's mainly Subconcious with me
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Avatar_m_tn
BOEUF!
Thanks for the "advice".
Easy to say.
I'm on this forum for obvious reasons (/ i have not finished testing out yet) if you really care to know.
I'll be dead soon enough.
I'm not into meds either.
People are capable of making life judgement decission based on situations life presents them, it's not a popular position to take but i'll take it none the less.
If positive i'll likley have hiv plus hep-c (5 years to live even with med,s which be harder to obsorb due to a fastly deteriorating liver from hep-c/hiv). Whats the difference my friend?
I'm not into dying but i may not have much choice the way i see it.
A year is good enough for me to do everything left to do before i go on ahead.
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Avatar_m_tn
Okay, My Advice think Positive. Its Hard/imposible right now.
Try to get Fresh air/exercise, Don't drink alcohol, Use relaxation. Treat yourself doing something you enjoy.
You Think You Have a Short time, OKAY, I wont insult your intelligence, Soooo WRITE down everything you want to do in that Year. All the things you wanted to do, see world, like jackin that Crappy Job u hate. Do what uv always wanted etc.
I Don't Know your Risk, It dosent Matter.
When/If you Decide to Get You Result and it's Negative. Get that Paper Out and Do those things anyway.
If anything You'll realise Life's too short and Never forget How Lucky you are. I'm not here to Lecture anyone, Your an adult.....If it is Positive,  well make That 1 Year the best party of your Life! Enjoy the Beauty of Life the smell of a rose.... You wont have time to be depressed remember.........By the end of it, you probably think life is too gr8 to let go anyway!!

Break the cycle, Stay Positive then either way u'll be Enjoying yoursel!!
...stay Positive?  oops U know what I mean.
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Avatar_m_tn
Why are you using your full name on this site?
People with cancer and other diseases do this all the time.
Quality of life is everything to some like myself.
This is not an afront to or a judgement of the choices of others, it's my personal choice.
I'm not posting the suicide decision to seek out validation -or- otherwise, i've made my choice, who cares what i do with myself?
So you are negative I.A, good for you, why are you still on here, i would be long gone if i were you.
I hope i'm negative at my (next/last) test.
I don't understand Teak my friend, his response was typical.
People don't even think before they respond when someone says something about suicide, they just recite the same tired old montra without any further incite.
If youhave never once considered suicide in your life, then good for you, but until you walk in a mans shoes, stay off the judgements.
I respect the choices of others and expect they do the same for me.
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Avatar_m_tn
Chapeau, No-one is Judging You. My Philosophy is "Only God Can Judge Me" So I Have no Right to Judge Anyone. I Have suffered with Extreme depression/Suicidal tendencies, in the Past. So I speak from Experience.  
(... I must be a Coward too) I Beat it, It Took a Long time and Hard Work.  
I Hope you Can Beat this Thing Too and Not End up Like Your Father.
Wish you Sincerely, Good Luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
I was refering to Tea calling me a coward but i think you realized this and still mentioned it.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey, all. I'm not sure if I dreamed specifically, about HIV. I did have a funny dream that I can't remember too well. I think I had HIV in it. Like chapeau, I have thought that I do not want to live if I am positive. Of course I would NEVER commit suicide, so I don't know how I would die. I thought of some interesting ways, but I can't deny that even when things get worse, they can always get better. I've wasted four years of my life pursuing a degree in Accounts. At the beginning I was on the Dean's list and doing great, but the last three years I just haven't been into it. I actually have two degrees, so its been more than four years... Seven actually. And like I said, for the beginning, I was on the Dean's list and doing great. However, because it was so easy ( I even got a scholarship I didn't apply for. They just gave it to me. ) I got complacent and lost sight of my initial plan. It was still there, but time just kept passing and I lost interest in Accounts completely and began failing. Everyone still thinks I'm doing so well and that I'm so smart, because I have a good job and I'm in school, but if its not what you really want it doesn't matter.

Anyway, I said all of that to say that in the last seven weeks since I thought I had HIV, I've already decided to quit COB, leave my job and get back on my initial path. I'm enrolling in the Devry Game Art & Design program and pursuing my goal of a career in Computer Animation. I will not receive my test results until Monday, but positive or negative, I plan to use this experience as a catalyst to fulfilling the potential that everyone seems to see in me and the potential that I see in myself. I was "just" living before this, but if I am positive, I intend to Truly LIVE. At 24, I'm still young, but I've realized how much opportunity I've lost going the easy way and being afraid of the difficult path.

I also have a goal to compete on the Bahamas's first ever Olympic Cycling team and win the first Gold Medal for the Bahamas outside of Track & Field. Lance Armstrong said that his Cancer gave him and advantage, because after the pain of Cancer, the pain of Cycling was a joke. I intend to use HIV the same way. No matter how bad something seems, it is never really that bad. I know I can't change your mind, but I doubt if you really "LIVE" in the next year, that after a year HIV+ ( assuming you are positive.... You may actually be negative) that you will still want to take your life.... Besides, I hate to bring this up, I don't know what you believe in, but do you really want to go to Hell? That, my friend, is worse than living with ANY disease.
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Avatar_m_tn
Just to give perspective on why I say I wasted a lot of time in spite of doing good for some of it. My inital plan when I graduated from high school in 2000, was to attend the College of the Bahamas for 2 years just to earn credits. Also, I knew it would be easier to get a scholarship with a good College GPA than with a high school GPA, even though both of them were the same....  At the end of that two years, I would have had my scholarship and been enrolled at the Art Institute in the Computer Animation Program. That two years turned into three when I started working. On my job interview I said I only intended to be with the company for one year, because it was my plan to save money to go away to do Computer Animation..... Now 4 years and 3 promotions later.... Here I am. No closer to that goal, but seven years since I graduated.... This whole experience has taught me how precious time is.... Even when it seems you're making progress, how much progress have you really made when you've spent so much time progressing in the wrong direction.
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Avatar_m_tn
That's the thing, there is no market here. But Game Art & Design I think is a better move, because the Gaming market is pretty big and growing fast. I'm in the Bahamas, so I'll have to move for all of this, which is another thing that made it easier to put off. However, I intend to create an industry here when I've gained enough experience. With technology, you can pretty much work from anywhere nowadays and still reach your market from hundreds of miles away.

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Avatar_m_tn
No problem.... I sure will. One of my best friends in school and my favourite drawing partner back then was named Chris, so a Chris in my company is more than welcome.
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