Are my husband's test results not conclusive? He doesn't think so.

[scared4hubby]

Dr:

I posted the following question on the support forum and was wondering what your opinion was on the responses given that you are a specialist in this area and what your response is - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/732639 (my apologies for the length)

Bottom line is my husband is not moving on.  He continues to complain about a single lump under his arm and lie bumps on his tongue and overall "weird feeling" in his mouth.  If you read the post you'll see everything he is doing to his mouth.  If you did not read the post here is the basic information around him without repeating such a long post.

He had unprotected vaginal and oral sex a few times with a co-worker of unkown status.  He tells me he was tested at 20 weeks after the affair ended and I have seen the test results from an ICMA test that came back Unrecative (it was a blood test).  He tells me this means negative.  He is too scared to get tested again.  I am able to forgive him for his affair as I truly believe he loves me and will never do it again.  HOwever, if he cannot get over this fear and function we may not make it past this issue!  In addition, he's making me think I should be concerned so this question is actually my own risk as well as we have engaged in unprotected vaginal sex 5 times since which he does not finish because he is too worried.  I assume I have nothing to worry about but when he won't drop it I start to get worried.  I was tested for HIV in my pregnancy 4 years ago and was obviously negative.

thanks for all your help and sorry this turned into a longer post than I had planned.  I hope this is the best $15 I have spent as no matter what your response is he can't question you based on your credentials. PLEASE BE BRUTALLY HONEST SO THAT HE CAN READ THIS AND MOVE ON!

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

Re-read the last paragraph of my comment above.  Since then you have posted 2 more comments which I deleted.  One more and the entire thread will be gone, unless and until you report your first visit with a professional counselor.

PS:  Your symptoms and the sexual encounter are not "too coincidencidental" at all.  Random coincidence is the only possibility.

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

Test results always outweigh symptoms.  Always, no exceptions.  Your test results prove that whatever is on your tongue is not HIV-related OHL.  And self-diagnosis of OHL is very unreliable anyway, and other things can cause a similar appearance on the tongue.

You already have my response to "Please help".  This is not a counseling site for people with irrational anxieties and fears.  You may return to this thread with another comment to post the results of the professional counseling you require.  If you post anything else at all, this entire thread will be immediately deleted without reply.

[scared4hubby]

Dr - I was hoping not to be back here but my situation has worsened.  I have what appears to be OHL (ridges on one side of tongue that are grey and sides of cheek that cannot be scarped off).  Here is the timline of events for my situation:

1st sex - Nov, 07
Last sex -May 9, 2008

Tested Negative Oct 1, 2008 - 144 days.  Everything I read says OHL is moderate to advanced immune supression.  Is there any reason to think I am at that point even though I tested negative Oct 1. Isn't that a little too soon and certainly if I was moderate to severe now back in Oct I would have been positive.

Please help!!!

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

No, this information does not change my opinion.  Symptoms almost never are a reliable indicator of HIV infection, because the identical symptoms can be caused by many things, most of them more common than HIV.  In any case, test results always outweigh symptoms. Your negative HIV test proves without doubt that HIV is not the cause.

Being "afraid to hold my kids and touch my wife" is an irrational overreaction and you comments contain lots of indications that you need professional pschological counseling about this, including your own recognition of a possible psychological issue.  I suggest it out of compassion, not criticism.  My challenge to you is to accept this advice, and to your extraordinary wife to see that you do.

[scared4hubby]

Dr - Thank you for responding to my wife's post as it was very reassuring.  As you can see from her post she is an amazing woman.  The one thing I can't seem to shake is pale tongue and a lot more sensitivity to spicy foods and dry mouth.  I had 2 Dr's look at it and they said it was not thrush although they barely looked in my opinion.  I don't believe it is Thrush either at this point because it is not painful, not hard to eat, and doesn't scrape off. Just seems to be pale in color.  Of course I've noticed all kinds of little odd & ends (little bumps here and there) in my mouth but since I never inspected it before not sure what is normal and what is not.  Doesn't hurt at all just uncomfortable and a little dry (especially in the mornings).  I chew on ice and mints all day just to try and forget about it - not because it hurts but because it reminds me I am infected (or could be).  I've had some swollen nodes under my arms but they always go away after a few days.  My Dr. said to call him if it doesn't go away or becomes painful.  Like I said they always go away.

The funny thing is the mouth symptoms did not start until after I got my negative test result at 21 weeks past exposure (after a round of antibiotics for an infection due to what my dr. termed "home surgery") so maybe it is all psychological over the affair.  I'm afraid to hold my kids and touch my wife.  This is no way to live!

I've never been a sickly person and always in good health (minus being 60 lbs overweight).  Thank you for your response.  Based on the info I have provided is there any change in your opinion?

[scared4hubby]

Thank you for your response.  I hope my husband can take your words as confirmation!  He will be reading it tonight when he returns from a business trip.

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

I'll try to help, but the main problem seems to be your husband's emotional state.  I hope some basic facts will help him deal with the situation.  Congratulations for your own level-headed attitude and for your concern for your partner, and your obvious commitment to the relationship despite his transgression.  The rest of this reply is worded for your husband.

There is no need for me to be "brutally" honest, because the news is good:  I agree 100% with your wife's conclusion that you do not have HIV and your test results are conclusive.  You are overreacting, perhaps out of guilt over your affair, but there probalby wasn't any risk of HIV anyway, because HIV remain rare in most heterosexual women in the US and other industrialized countries.  There is probably less than 1 in 1,000 chance your workplace partner had HIV, so most likely you were not exposed to the virus.  You do not need any further HIV testing and there is no risk you could transmit it to your wife, since you don't nhave it.  Finally, despite what you seem to think about HIV symptoms, the symptoms your wife describes do not sound at all like those of an HIV infection.  In any case, test results always outweigh symptoms, and it never takes more than 20 weeks for HIV testing to become positive.  The notion of having HIV despite negative blood test results is an urban myth; once 3-4 months have passed, it just doesn't happen.

I hope this helps.  If you can't get beyond your fears of HIV despite the overwhelming evidence you aren't infected, please talk to your health care provider about it, including the possible need for counseling.  And be glad of your wife's loving support -- it should help carry you through this.

Best wishes to both of you---- HHH, MD