Mutual masturbation with gay male and fears

[rockman33]

I am a straight guy who met up with a gay guy (from online) and we did mutual masturbation (but with no ejaculation) where I touched my penis, then his, then mine again.  He did the same.  This happened November 15, and for the next two weeks (until the appearance of my jock itch) I didn’t think twice about the whole episode.  We didn’t do any more than this and just ended up talking and hanging out, which was more enjoyable to me.  I know I had been clean (hope I still am) and he assured me he was clean, and although he sounded a bit promiscuous, I had no reason to doubt him nor did I see any sores on his penis.  I guess I did it out of sheer boredom and was seeking novelty and attention and that I felt lonely (girlfriend works a lot).  I know this interaction did very little for me, was simply a novel experience, and has only caused me a lot of anxiety.  I don’t think secretions were shared but maybe just a little bit.  I have a wonderful girlfriend and I broke down and told her of the encounter and have felt awful about it.  Two weeks after the encounter, I noticed a rash in my groin area but I think I got it from my own poor hygiene in that area (not washing enough, sometimes wearing Friday’s underwear all day Saturday) and sweating, as a doctor described it as jock itch and it has cleared up by using Lamisil (an anti-fungal).  I tested for STDs two weeks after the event and everything came back negative; I also tested for HIV four weeks later using oral swab and it came back negative also.  I have tried not to do too much research on this but I have felt awful about the whole event.  Ironically, before the jock itch appeared, the night of the event and the next two weeks I slept fine, although work was horribly stressful the week prior to the event and also the next two weeks after it.  Once the jock itch appeared, I started to question some of my novelty-seeking behaviors, have done a lot of research on STDs, HIV, and have had a lot of waking up during the night and severe anxiety, especially at night, but also during the day.  I normally take 100 mg of Trazodone to sleep anyway but the last two weeks I have taken an Ambien every single night as I wake up after 2 hrs of sleep and I need to get some decent sleep as I have a very busy/stressful job.  My girlfriend is a Pharm Tech and does not like that I take this Ambien every night, nor do I.  I am also having these images of this gay male having anal sex with other men and this causing them to bleed rectally.  I know he has had anal sex with other men and that bleeding occurred (this guy was thick, etc.) and now these images are causing me great anxiety at night.  I have been having difficulty sleeping for more than a few hours at a time, even with the Ambien.  I know I need to see a therapist and just can’t believe I engaged in this.  The guy told me he was clean but I guess it’s looking back and realizing all the behaviors he had engaged in (it sounds like he had a lot of anal sex but said it was always done protected) that has me wondering why I did this at all.  Can anyone tell me how they got over something like this?  I know time, testing (with negative results), and self-forgiveness must be critical here!

[rockman33]

I am glad to hear you emerged from that experience negative.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you head towards a productive and happy recovery!

[mattx]

You can view my story which i posted on the expert forums (under international). I had a confirmed exposure but thankfully came out of it negative and have educted myself to stay that way. I  had a great deal of issues to get through and with the right help and counselling have moved forward. It takes some time but you will definately get there.

[rockman33]

I appreciate it, man!  I know my story was long-winded and I am in no way judging gay or bisexual men; looking back, I have had many instances of unprotected oral sex (where I received it) with women over the years (probably 50 different women) so I guess I have always enjoyed sexual conquests and felt immortal to some extent, not so much anymore.  I have had some depression and symptoms of OCD over the years, to be sure.  Incidentally, my dad's sister had 4 sons and 3 of them are gay and they are all great guys.  Sadly, one died of AIDS in San Francisco perhaps 10 years ago.  Do you have a story you would care to share about your experiences or struggles at all?

[mattx]

Everyting you engaged in was total risk free as far as HIV is concerned. You dont need any further testing. It is purely your own feelings of guilt cauing your emotional state and you will benefit from counselling. You have absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. Good luck