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Aids-phobia taking over my life.
Hello Medhelp,
I have a problem and I couldn't think of anywhere else to post since I don't feel like I can talk to this with someone. Also it will be quite a long post, so I appreciate anyone willing to read until the end and providing so helpful advice.
I am a 28-yeard old gay male. But for the longest time I've had what you can call aids-phobia, the idea of contracting aids terrifies me to death and I know that as a gay person the risks of contracting HIV is higher.
This fear has completely take over my life, not being able to meet other person for fear of getting infected.
However when I was 23 I had my first gay relationship, and over the course of 3 years I've had 3 sexual encounters, none involved anal sex. However once I met a person and he ejaculated in my mouth while performing oral sex and I was so terrified, as I was sure I got HIV. I stopped completely meeting other guys for fear of transmitting to other people.
A few years passed, and I was afraid of getting tested because even though they have pretty good medication nowadays my phobia still means I think of it as a death sentence. However about 1 year ago a gathered all my strength and took an HIV test, which came out negative, and I was temporarily relieved.
I started to realize that this phobia was keeping me from having meaningful relationships, and I slowly opened up and started meeting guys. In the past 11 months I've met with exactly 8 guys. Only one time I've had anal sex and that was with a condom (I was bottom), other than that I've only had oral sex. Of those only twice they ejaculated in my mouth, which actually I regret, but they came before I could pull out, last time someone ejaculated in my mouth was more than 9 months ago.
However the last guy I met which is almost 3 months back, tried to put my penis in his anus without a condom, I think I only slightly penetrated him and it was only for a few seconds, no full penetration happened.
Fast forward again, I had some really stressful months where I changed my job, and I was taking some work-related courses during the weekends, which meant that for 3 months I was working full time during the week and taking classes during the weekends, with little to no rest I was constantly tired and stressed out.
Of course my skin started to become worse, and I got a cold (mild sore throat) and dandruff (I've suffered from years of dandruff so this shouldn't be new).
Being my paranoid self, I went to google my symptoms and of course it says, if you suffer from a sore throat, fatigue etc etc "these might be some early signs that you have HIV". I went into full panic mode thinking that I contracted HIV again, even though I haven't performed in any high risk sex other than the 2 times swallowing semen and the slight penetration. I know my symptoms might be more stress-related than risky sex behavior, but still.
I want to get tested but I am so afraid of the results, and I am playing all sorts of scenarios in my head of how I'm gonna get treatment, and how will I tell my parents, can I pay for treatment etc. Also I live in a country that might get me deported if I test positive, which is even more scarier because I've lived here for over 7 years and I worked so hard to get where I am that I'm afraid I will lose everything because of AIDS.
I don't know what to do and now I'm afraid to meet guys again because I might infect them. This phobia is literally consuming me and keeping me from meeting guys.
Do you think there is a strong possibility that I might have been infected with HIV? Or is it my paranoia that is playing with my head? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this, or whether they have experienced it themselves?
Thank and I really appreciate any kind of advice!
I have a problem and I couldn't think of anywhere else to post since I don't feel like I can talk to this with someone. Also it will be quite a long post, so I appreciate anyone willing to read until the end and providing so helpful advice.
I am a 28-yeard old gay male. But for the longest time I've had what you can call aids-phobia, the idea of contracting aids terrifies me to death and I know that as a gay person the risks of contracting HIV is higher.
This fear has completely take over my life, not being able to meet other person for fear of getting infected.
However when I was 23 I had my first gay relationship, and over the course of 3 years I've had 3 sexual encounters, none involved anal sex. However once I met a person and he ejaculated in my mouth while performing oral sex and I was so terrified, as I was sure I got HIV. I stopped completely meeting other guys for fear of transmitting to other people.
A few years passed, and I was afraid of getting tested because even though they have pretty good medication nowadays my phobia still means I think of it as a death sentence. However about 1 year ago a gathered all my strength and took an HIV test, which came out negative, and I was temporarily relieved.
I started to realize that this phobia was keeping me from having meaningful relationships, and I slowly opened up and started meeting guys. In the past 11 months I've met with exactly 8 guys. Only one time I've had anal sex and that was with a condom (I was bottom), other than that I've only had oral sex. Of those only twice they ejaculated in my mouth, which actually I regret, but they came before I could pull out, last time someone ejaculated in my mouth was more than 9 months ago.
However the last guy I met which is almost 3 months back, tried to put my penis in his anus without a condom, I think I only slightly penetrated him and it was only for a few seconds, no full penetration happened.
Fast forward again, I had some really stressful months where I changed my job, and I was taking some work-related courses during the weekends, which meant that for 3 months I was working full time during the week and taking classes during the weekends, with little to no rest I was constantly tired and stressed out.
Of course my skin started to become worse, and I got a cold (mild sore throat) and dandruff (I've suffered from years of dandruff so this shouldn't be new).
Being my paranoid self, I went to google my symptoms and of course it says, if you suffer from a sore throat, fatigue etc etc "these might be some early signs that you have HIV". I went into full panic mode thinking that I contracted HIV again, even though I haven't performed in any high risk sex other than the 2 times swallowing semen and the slight penetration. I know my symptoms might be more stress-related than risky sex behavior, but still.
I want to get tested but I am so afraid of the results, and I am playing all sorts of scenarios in my head of how I'm gonna get treatment, and how will I tell my parents, can I pay for treatment etc. Also I live in a country that might get me deported if I test positive, which is even more scarier because I've lived here for over 7 years and I worked so hard to get where I am that I'm afraid I will lose everything because of AIDS.
I don't know what to do and now I'm afraid to meet guys again because I might infect them. This phobia is literally consuming me and keeping me from meeting guys.
Do you think there is a strong possibility that I might have been infected with HIV? Or is it my paranoia that is playing with my head? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this, or whether they have experienced it themselves?
Thank and I really appreciate any kind of advice!
The only way an adult gets HIV is through unprotected vaginal or anal sex and sharing of IV drug needles. The HIV virus is actually quite fragile and inactivated instantly by both air and saliva. You've never risked the transmission of HIV. Continue to use condoms with every encounter. And it would be a good idea to begin seeking treatment for anxiety so that you do not have to live with this fear. Best
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