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For 6 Months I Swore I Had HIV
I was a stupid 23 year old kid. My girlfriend of almost five years had just broken up with me and I'd just seen her out at a bar hooking up with another guy. This was the girl I'd loved since high school and I was an absolute wreck. I started drinking heavily as I went through all of your usual stages of grief until I finally got to anger. I was going to show her, I was going to go find a random girl and hook up with her. That was gonna make her feel what I felt, right? So after one stupid night of heavy drinking, I got my chance. There was an older girl at the bar, I want to say late 20s, early 30s. Don't remember her name but somehow we made our way back to my place. As I came in and out of "black-out" mode, I suddenly realized we had started to have sex and I was not wearing a condom. I quickly put a condom on, finished the deed and passed out. As we woke up the next morning, I remember the girl saying "Man, I really shouldn't do so many drugs..." before walking out and leaving. I had no clue who she was and would never see her again. That quote stuck with me until the next day when the burning when I peed started... From there, it was a long and scary 6 month road downhill....
My timeline:
Late October - The night of the hookup
Two days later - Slight burning when I peed. Possibly out of fear/regret I went to urgent care. Was tested for gonnorrhea and chlamydia, negative. Given a z-pak and shot anyways and sent on my way. The burning eventually goes away a few weeks later.
Three to four weeks later - I start to experience a burning sensation in my groin area and the tops of my feet along with intermittent tingling. Found out this was called "peripheral neuropathy". Putting the initial burning with the neuropathy and convinced myself I had contracted herpes even though I'd had no kind of breakouts. Too scared to test at this point though.
Dec. 1st - I can't put it off any longer and go see the doctor. He seems skeptical of herpes self-diagnosis but tests me anyways along with running a CBC and urinalysis.
Dec. 4th - Everything comes back normal and the herpes tests are all negative. I'm relieved but confused why I'm still experiencing these symptoms so I return to the doctor. He decides to check me for prostatitis and reports that my prostate is extremely enflamed and this is definitely prostatitis. Says it explains my symptoms and prescribes me cipro and an anti-inflammatory.
Dec. 25th - Finished the course of medicine and the improvement is dramatic. I feel like a new person. Symptoms mostly gone. I'm told prostatitis can take months to get over so I'm pleased with my progress.
Dec. 26th - The sore scratchy throat starts. Keep in mind, I've been checking my temperature regularly since I first suspected herpes and to this point have never registered a fever. After about a week, the sore throat goes away but my neck still has a fullness/swollen feeling to it. It's almost like its on the outside of my throat though. I start reading about swollen lymph nodes and realize that the ones under my chin on both sides feel swollen.
Beginning of January - The lymph node swelling around my neck has seemed to go down, although it's still there. However I've noticed a swollen node in my armpits and I think my groin lymph nodes may be a little swollen too as sometimes I find myself getting uncomfortable laying down to bed?
January thru April - The lymph nodes in my neck are definitely swollen. It hurts to turn my head and it is uncomfortable to swallow. I began looking up the causes of swollen lymph nodes and everything begins to point towards HIV. It all makes sense now. The comments about drugs before she left, she must have been an IV drug user. I definitely had HIV. Day and night, the thought of having HIV consumed my mind. It was like I was living my life in third person. I was there but my mind was always somewhere else. I had my good days and my bad days. One day I'd convince myself it was mono and the next I had found a new symptom linking it back to HIV. That neuropathy I mentioned earlier? Classic HIV sign according to Google, the evidence was building. I'd tell myself today was the day I was going to get tested, but then I would back out. I'd go to the drug store to buy one of those at-home tests, but I was too embarrassed to take them to the register
Last Week - I had an appointment with my doctor to check me out for the sore throat and lymph nodes. I was hoping for a mono diagnosis to explain away the symptoms. He confirmed that a few in my neck were slightly swollen but he nixed the mono hopes before the test even came back. My posterior cervical nodes were totally normal, something he said is almost always swollen with mono. Sure enough, the mono test came back negative and all my other bloodwork was normal. There went my last hope in my mind. It was now 100% HIV, I had given up what little hope I had left. Before I left, I asked him to run a blood test for HIV. I went home and waited for the phone call that would change my life forever.
Yesterday - I got my phone call. The doctor was brief - "Hey xxx, your HIV blood panels were all negative. Never thought that's what it was but glad you have some peace of mind now. Have a good day!" Click. I was in shock. This three letter word had consumed my thoughts and my life for the last six months. I knew I had it. And yet the tests said I didn't. My long road from October finally ended and it felt like a thousand pound weight had been lifted off my chest.
So here are a few tips I learned throughout the whole process:
1) And this is by far the most important one, STOP GOOGLING YOUR SYMPTOMS. Stop it, right now. If there is someone else who knows what's going on, tell them to cancel your internet and cut the data off on your phone if that's what it takes. Seriously, this was by far the most detrimental thing to me mentally. ANYTHING can be connected to HIV if you try hard enough. Google "my elbow itches" + HIV or "there's a weird bump on my finger" + HIV or "sneezing all the time" + HIV. Any symptom you can come up with, there's someone on the internet who can find a way to connect it to HIV
2) Realize that you are not a doctor. You did not go through medical school and rotations and residencies and specializations. You are about as qualified to diagnose whether your lymph nodes are swollen or not as the cast of Grey's Anatomy. I swore several of my lymph nodes around my body were swollen until my doctor checked them out and told me they were perfectly normal
3) Get the test. I know how scared you are. You're sure you have it, your life is now over. You are the textbook HIV case and there is no way whatever you have is anything other than HIV. Maybe you have a significant other or you'd like to have one in the future? Well you know that will never happen now. Who will want anything to do with you after they find out you have this? Your dating life will cease to exist. My brain pitched all of this to me and paralyzed me with fear. You rationalize why you won't take the test, ignorance is bliss right? This couldn't be further from the truth. Your brain isn't capable of just letting a fear like this go. It will consume you unless you take the test
I know this was long but if you're anything like I was, I hope it's helped you. When you do find out that you don't have HIV (And you don't!), let all those bottled emotions out. Go find a positive outlet - exercise, spending time with friends, go on a vacation, etc. Get back to being the you you were before this, because everybody sure does miss the old you
Glad I could help in some small way and congrats on both of your test results! There's so much fear and negativity on here that I wanted to tell my story in hopes that people won't have to go through what I went through
Your words of encouragement was what I needed to hear. I took the Oraquick test. The longest 20 minutes of my life..... NEGATIVE. God is so amazing. I've been wanting to know my status for years but was to scared and embarrassed to take the test.
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