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Friday Funnies
another fine week with lots of clear tests and unfortunately
also some bad news best wishes to all who have cleared and prayers and hugs to those still treating. A special wish to non responders to keep the faith ,we are all in God's hands
laugh trax courtesy of sock it to me
dfence att'y:What is your age?
Little old lady: Iam 86 years old
D.A.: Will you tell us,in your own words, what happened to you?
LOL: There I was, sitting on my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the front porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know Him?
LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A. :What happened after he sat down?
LOL : He started rubbing my my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
LOL: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
LOL: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Abner passed some 30 years ago.
D.A. :What happened next?
LOL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA : Did you stop him then?
LOL: NO, I did not.
DA:Why not?
LOL: Why , your Honor, His rubbing made me feel alive and all excited.I hadn't felt that good in years.
DA: what happened next?
LOL Well, I was feeling so spicy, that I just laid down and said to him; Take me young man,take!!!
Da: Did he take you.
LOL; Hell no, He just yelled April Fool; and thats when I shot the little *******!!
hope this give some hahas in view of libido post
also some bad news best wishes to all who have cleared and prayers and hugs to those still treating. A special wish to non responders to keep the faith ,we are all in God's hands
laugh trax courtesy of sock it to me
dfence att'y:What is your age?
Little old lady: Iam 86 years old
D.A.: Will you tell us,in your own words, what happened to you?
LOL: There I was, sitting on my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the front porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know Him?
LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A. :What happened after he sat down?
LOL : He started rubbing my my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
LOL: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
LOL: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Abner passed some 30 years ago.
D.A. :What happened next?
LOL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA : Did you stop him then?
LOL: NO, I did not.
DA:Why not?
LOL: Why , your Honor, His rubbing made me feel alive and all excited.I hadn't felt that good in years.
DA: what happened next?
LOL Well, I was feeling so spicy, that I just laid down and said to him; Take me young man,take!!!
Da: Did he take you.
LOL; Hell no, He just yelled April Fool; and thats when I shot the little *******!!
hope this give some hahas in view of libido post
Love all those jokes!
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a
house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. "Ten dollars."The guy says. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****.
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a
house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. "Ten dollars."The guy says. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for
the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent
computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
STEVE
the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent
computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
STEVE
Those we all good ones;;;;;;
A middle aged woman has a heart attack, and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and askes if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30 to 40 years to live.
Upon recovery, she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentations, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks...."I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replies::::"Sorry, I didn't recongnize you".
A middle aged woman has a heart attack, and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and askes if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30 to 40 years to live.
Upon recovery, she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentations, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks...."I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replies::::"Sorry, I didn't recongnize you".
loved it ...
A distruaght senior citizen phoned her doc's office" is it true she wanted to know, that the meds you rx'd has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
Yes, i'm afraid so the doc replied.
There was a moment of silence before the senior replied," I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this script is marked NO REFILLS.
walmart
Two elderly Wal-mart greeters were sitting on a bench during breaktime and one turns to the other saying," Slim, I'm 73 years old and full of aches and pains. Iknow you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says"I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's coworker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, Really? A new born babe???"
" Yep" grins Slim, "no hair, no teeth,and I think I just peed my pants"
A distruaght senior citizen phoned her doc's office" is it true she wanted to know, that the meds you rx'd has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
Yes, i'm afraid so the doc replied.
There was a moment of silence before the senior replied," I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this script is marked NO REFILLS.
walmart
Two elderly Wal-mart greeters were sitting on a bench during breaktime and one turns to the other saying," Slim, I'm 73 years old and full of aches and pains. Iknow you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says"I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's coworker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, Really? A new born babe???"
" Yep" grins Slim, "no hair, no teeth,and I think I just peed my pants"
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