Anyone had spiritual problems while on treatment? Other posts, too.

[susan400]

As you all know, I've treated many times.  One thing that I haven't seen brought up much is the spiritual aspects of yourself while treating.  It's so strange, but whenever I'm on treatment, I find myself feeling like my connection and relationship with God is so affected.  Off of treatment, I don't have this problem.  It's really very disconcerting.  Just when you feel like you'd need God more than ever (or your higher power), I feel so disconnected from my faith and everything.  I still keep praying through this time, but something about these drugs seems to be an issue during treatment with my faith and related spiritual issues.  I'm trying to word this post without making it biased towards any one religion.  I'm just curious if anybody else has had this experience, or if it's just me??  If you rather talk via email, off of forum, you can email me at ***@****   Just put something in the subject line so that I don't think it's spam.  

Susan

[HCA]

I am currently on fourth round of treatment.
I am an atheist with no belief in any higher power,however whilst on treatment I feel emotionally dead.
Nothing touches me,no joy ,no sadness.
I think this is a by product of the combo,and closely related to your observations concering your own state of mind.

[mawg]

I'll agree with HCA .... the meds are a 'spirit killer' in their own right.

The sx left me, just 'going through the motions' of life.... zombie like.

[lackalustre]

the treatment made me very blah about everything.  when i  first got off tx. that was my main complaint. i didnt feel high or low about anything.  everyone thought i should be so happy that i was cured -and all i could feel was blah.  the treament did such a number on me.  that bothered me to feel that way but it did get better over time.
   nevertheless faith is not feelings.  God's promises are sure no matter what we feel.  a prayer for you....

[jmjm530]

Treatment brought me closer to my spiritual base which probably wasn't all that solid to begin with. Partly because it made me look within as I was tested both physically and mentally, and partly because it made me aware of the fleeting nature of health and in a larger sense, life. Treatment also made me scream at the top of my lungs at two 70 year-old ladies in traffic, so...

-- Jim

[2irish]

i try really hard but it is hard to feel anything except a little numb inside.  this too shall pass...the closest i seem to feel to God is spending time with my granddaughter..i can still feel joy with her.  Next comes ice cream..

[SnoWav]

I also feel pretty spaced and numb,still can laugh and love.I Visit the monks down the road it is still very special. At the 5:00AM service they play very strange and wonderful musical instruments that you have never seen the likes of.Also my wife and kids really help ground me to whats real and good.At the 40 mile marker headed for 48  cheers jeff

[strator]

Susan -Thank you for the opportunity to discuss this. My BIGGEST fear about treatment was not the physical sides, but rather that my emotional and spiritual health might be compromised if I didn't feel like myself from the meds. Even my doctor voiced the fear that I might get depressed or apathetic and not put effort into my sobriety on a daily basis, which I definitely need to do. So far I have been pretty fortunate though my spiritual health has not been on the even keel I was beginning to feel before tx. Actually it seems to peak to extremes.
I somewhat separate my quest for spirtual health with my organized religous beliefs even though I attend church often and do an hour of meditation alone at the chapel each week. I rely very heavily on a spiritual connection because because I am in recovery from all the self inflicted misery my alcoholism and addiction brought me to. I have to hit my knees a number of times a day because -well I just have to. There's no logic to my even being alive to be on treatment never mind having all the wonderful people I have in my life. That doesn't mean that I always feel good about any spiritual connection I have especially with the fatigue. Actually the fact I attend 5 AA meetings a week has helped me with the days I feel rather apathetic or unconnected because it's something we talk about on occasion and there's a few people like my sponsor that can put things in perspective for me.
One thing that really helped me- Last week after an extremely busy and trying day, feeling totally drained, I also felt out of sorts and extremely guilty because other than a quick moment on arising, I just didn't feel up to coversing with my Higher Power. I happened to call my sponsor about an alcoholic(with hep c) that was looking for help. He instead wanted to talk about me and how I felt. My sponsor is a guy that's a wacko but been in recovery for many years, and has survived prostrate cancer, deals with depression and is trying to get help with extremely painful nueropathy. Anyways when I told him that I felt disconnected and felt guilty he said -
"Wait a minute, let me get this straight-your on treatment, you went to work, came home and fed your son and father, took a phone call from somebody struggling, and picked up a couple of guys that needed a meeting. You think your not connected cause you don't have that warm fuzzy feeling you like. Dude, God was too busy using you today to muck it up with how you felt. The next time you don't feel connected don't go sit in a corner and pray, go sit next to your Dad or son for a while. Spirituality isn't a feeling, it's an action word."
It made me think of the all days I came in from work too drained to listen to my son's stories about his day. Yet my Dad in a hell of a lot worse shape than me and probably more tired would listen to him. At a party an 86 year old aunt with alzheimer's was sitting alone cause I guess none of us adults couldn't handle her not being her old self. My 13 yr old walked over to her instead of going out on the beach with his cousins. I don't know what they talked about for the next 20 minutes or if she even knew who he was-but they laughed and smiled. That's spirituality. When it feels missing I can usually find it in and share it with someone around me.
That's exactly what you and everyone is doing on this forum helping each other.
THANK YOU!-Stay Blessed,
Don

[mistybean]

I was not spiritual prior to treatment.  I am not a God person or a Christian.  However, I could see how if you were that it might be harder to connect on these drugs.  If you are trying to connect.. just keep trying and you will get a breakthrough and connect with your spiritual self again.  I found that I have learned more about myself on treatment.. so maybe I am connecting more to the spirtual me.  However, mine is not Christian.  cheers and wish you the best

[LvdByGod!]

susan, i can relate to you completely...i love the Lord and before tx had a much easier time slowing my mind down and meditating and spending time in Bible study,deep prayer and thought... even my journaling has suffered...my quiet times have suffered, and my zeal is lacking...and it is also lacking in ALL other areas as well...hobbies, work, projects, serving at church, my relationship with hubby and friends...it's like i can't consentrate or focus on things the same way and as said its like i'm numb...like chev and the others said, it causes that emotional void...

(be sure to check into an anti-deppressant if you need one so that emotional void/bla doesn't turn into deep depression.

i still pray to Him and that He is my life saver...talking to God about all this and everything...i know He understands...and yes we know that the facts of our faith have nothing to do with our feelings spiritually...

GOD LOVES US AND IS THERE FOR US, WHETHER WE FEEL IT OR NOT!!!

and gosh am i greatful for this truth...our feelings are so wishy washy anyway...we can't ever depend on them to be there the way we want...they so often depend on the circumstances going on in life or even the weather,and now the drugs interfer as well...but, we know that our God does not change...no matter what our heart is feeling...

worship at church is still a wonderful time for me to connect...and i still seem to be able to durring those times, so that has helpes...of course or worship band rocks so you just can't help getting into it!!!

but i miss the quality of the quiet times i used to have with the Lord...now it's kind of like having a quiet time when you're sick...you can do it, but, it's just not as fun...

but i'm sure all will return to normal in our hearts when tx is over....for sure when these drugs are gone things will get back to normal....many folks have said this...perhaps you need a good break when this tx is finished...and i pray it will be over for good and you finally are svr.

BE BLESSED BELOVED OF HIM,

I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR TIMES WITH HIM...WILL YOU ME??? MY BIBLE STUDY HAS SUFFERED THE MOST...THANK YOU...

sandi

[Healed24]

Susan, I too am having emotional, physical and spirtual difficulties while on tx. In the beginning of treatment I actually felt closer to God and my spiritual faith. I attended church often, read my Bible and wrote in my journal daily. However the longer I've been on tx and the depression beginning to set in I am beginning to lose that connection I had in the beginning. Although I've always been active in my faith, I feel like during tx my devotion to my faith has suffered. Partly because of the physcial sides and partly because of the emotional depression. I recently brought the footprints poem and it really helped me remember that no matter what, God never leaves me, in fact in my toughest times he's carrying me.

Brooke
GOD BLESS

[GoofyDad]

Well, count me among those who take a more clinical view of our existance. That said, this situation does awaken one to a certain sense of mortality, and so I'd have to say this maybe makes me appreciate more what I can do for others while I'm here. I guess that's sharing some space with spirituality -- even if they ain't exactly kissing cousins.

I should point out that there are those who would strongly disagree concerning any improvement in my character :)    

--------------------------------------------------------
Jim said: Treatment also made me scream at the top of my lungs at two 70 year-old ladies in traffic

I guess any chance at an afternoon of romance and passion passed then and there, Jimbo? ;-)

[scruffy]

Hi Susan. Before tx I seemed to connect spiritually in many ways but during tx I had to use my old standbys-nature-trees and plants-rain-these things helped me feel connected to my higher power somewhat. So yes, tx really really added difficulty to my spiritual life. But I gained some insights into myself that could not have arrived in any other way that I can imagine. Was it all worth it(since I did'nt clear)? Hell, I don't have a clue.Smile. Be well troopergal. Frank

[nyhepc]

part of the problem is that this tx is so difficult. we need to concentrate all our mental and physical energies towards ourselves, in order to stay the course.... often at the expense of our families, friends, and maybe spirituality. but it is the nature of families,friends and spirituality to hang around and be there when we finish.
one of the saving graces for me is my job...spending the day with 40 alzheimers pts, draws me out of myself.  i have no time to worry about hep c or how i feel, lol.

[susan400]

Thanks everybody for your various insights, supportive words, encouragement, prayers, etc.  It certainly helps to realize that this is not just something unique to me and my treatment experience.  The last time that I was off of treatment, for 5 mon. I was back to my normal spiritual life.  I suppose I need to hang on to that and remember that this, this treatment life, is not the real me.  I used to do some journaling, not often, but I did.  I've always had a hard time with sticking with it on a regular basis.  I would write something and then, not pick it up again for another 6 mon.  Anyhow, sometimes I wish I could go to a deserted place, out in the middle of the sea by myself, or on the top of a high mountain by myself and just scream at the top of my lungs and then, take a good deep breath and just release it.  But, since that's not possible, I'm just going to have lean on what's left of my faith and what I believe to be God's promises.  But, as I said before, thanks everybody.
God Bless,
Susan

[azgrl]

Hmm...these are interesting thoughts.  Something I never took into consideration pretx. I'm not on tx yet but I have spent a lot of time thinking about the physical aspect of tx not the mental aspect.  I am not a believer other than in myself and my abilities to deal with life. So starting tx will be interesting in seeing the effects of my own beliefs.

deb in az

[NYgirl]

As a born again Christian it's an odd question for me.  Physically and mentally I have not had in many ways as much deep time with God but...

I know that sometimes when I can't feel Him near me it's because He is carrying me.  I have to trust that with all my heart and continue to pray.  Without Him I am lost and have no hope.  With Him I am full of all the possibilities life has to offer me.

I don't want to get preachy because not everyone is my faith - but for ME personally I am glad I can share this with God and put most of it on his shoulders...cause I am just to weak to do it by myself.

Debby

[strator]

Sandi-Thanks for saying it so simply...GOD LOVES US AND IS THERE FOR US, WHETHER WE FEEL IT OR NOT!!!
I guess that's pretty much what my sponsor was trying to get through to me. The inflection in his voice told me he was a lttle ticked and telling me to get out of reward mode. I was lucky to have this treatment, I wasn't doing anything any reponsible human being didn't do on a normal day, I had food to put on the table, was lucky for the opportunity to help someone with no real effort-rather than the usual someone bailing me out or cleaning up my mess, and if my selfishness led me to believe I should be rewarded - maybe I ain't appreciating what I already have in my own home. As far as tx and meds altering our feelings - I believe He knows what we need to just get through the day and wants us to just hang on and get some rest til were ready for those quality times.
Peace,
Don

[cuteus]

Even though I was raised Catholic, organized religion has no charm for me,except maybe the black services where there seem to be more joy at being in the service and that joy is liberally spread among all present. Other than that, agnostic is more what I presently am. But still believe in some form of a higher spiritual presence, call it Jesus, Allah, the force, etc. There is some spiritual essence beyond the physical body in all living things, not just humans. That is what I feel. Some time ago I came accross two interesting articles on the Brain; I found them extremely interesting how we are "wired" for certain emotions:
http://www.cognitiveliberty.org/neuro/neuronewswk.htm ( this is the Newsweek article on God & the Brain of 5/7/01, if anyone wants to check it out of the library.
and this one is The Biology of Joy from Time magazine. I would check it out of the library also for some intriguing reading:
http://www.time.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,1015863,00.html

and if neuroscience says that we are wired to feel these higher feelings, maybe the interferon, known to affect the nervous system is also hindering us from feeling by affecting our brain.
HCV, by triggering our system to make interferon, was also causing some depression prior to tx.
As was said before, it will pass after the meds are gone from our system. My apathy definetely lifted quite rapidly after tx.
take care, all of you under the "influence"

[Tallblonde]

Perhaps nothing about Christianity is more difficult for non-Christians (and even some Christians) to accept than the concept of a God who uses suffering as a way to bring glory to himself.  I, too, stuggle with it often.  But at other times, I'm able to fully embrace and understand that when I'm weak, I'm strong.  And when I'm strong, I'm weak.  There is meaning (and even blessings) in suffering, but we need God's guidance to see that.

Susan

[scruffy]

Everybody has an issue with somebody here at  the medhelp forum but some restraint is in order not to FU everybodies day just for your own gratification.

[scruffy]

I should follow my own advice. Apologies to FlGuy and anybody.

[cuteus]

latin blood? lol! or just human?
take care

[FlGuy]

You're right.  My apologies.  I hope all the heppers out there have a better day today than yesterday.  Better yet tomorrow.  Thanks for the relity check.

[suzieq2]

One of my fears upon diagnosis was one that I would loose friends and my Husband would loose patients, because of ingornance and fear of catching this disease. THe opposite has happened. We have recieved the greatest outpouring of support, I could not even begin to tell you how many prayer lists I am on.I have recieved so many uplifting cards and gifts from people I do not even know.My husband has daily uplifting messages for me from from all these genuine caring people. So my faith has only strengthened.I also have not yet cleared the virus.I know thru the grace of god I will. It is the only thing that keeps me chugging along.God has blessed you by giving you the strength to endure what you have.It is hard enough to go thru this with our faith. I do not know how people survive without him.His promise is to heal  us. He will in his time.I am sure that there are many people there for you picking up the slack. Including me, you are in my prayers.He knows what is in your heart and what you are enduring, and understands if he doesn't hear from you as much.We know who faith questioned comes from!