My wife has her last treatment he 20th of feb and wee would have been married a year feb 22. She has been mad all week and today became violent and told me she hated me and she wanted a divorce. so I dont know what to think.I have tried very hard to be supportive but the last month she has been getting meaner and very hurtful. All she wants is her dogs and we went from one to four since may. She has kicked me out of our bedroom and treats me like a dog..know they sleep with her so worse. I was marrried to an abusive woman for 11 years and I said never again. I dont want to give up on my wife I love her but she has me so stressed out that I am onmeds for depression and it is just getting worse,she informed me that this is her home I dont have one.
so so sorry you are having to bear this! I do so hope this ends with the treatment. I have found myself to be very mean, hateful, etc., to my significant other and really find that he TRULY gets on my nerves these days.....but I know in my heart that I love him and that this is as hard on him as it is me. I am so self absorbed in how badly I am feeling, that I truly do not have any more to give. I just pray he can hang in there with me and all will get better when the meds are out of my system. I think that will happen.
Just be patient with her, and KNOW that it is not you, it is the meds making her feel this way..
Hopefully, her mood will improve when treatment is over but it make take a few months, maybe longer for the meds to leave her body. Give it some time and continue to be supportive. She is very lucky to have a man like you willing to put up her abuse. If things don't change after stopping tx I would get the hell out of there as fast as I could. You deserve to be treated better.
That's a terrible situation to be in however with that said, didn't you know that the drugs may change her dramatically? I would keep my distance, be as helpful as you can, but abuse is abuse, and calmly talk to her about it b/c you need your mental health more than any one lady, wife or not. Do you go to any of her doctor appointments with her? Tx is very difficult b/c there's alot of anger, depression, uncertainty and on top of that dealing with uncaring people, or ppl you don't even want to know what you're going thru. Even if you have a SO who is supportive look at the other side of the coin. To a person on tx, you may feel totally krappy and sometimes it just doesn't show on your face, so nobody believes it. That's difficult to accept by itself. I hope you can work things out with your wife, there's alot to your story that nobody on this forum knows about. I would give her 60days tops after tx ends to change her tune and become honestly apologitic, if she honestly apoligizes for her misdeeds than maybe you have a future. One other thing I forgot about is did her abuse start after tx, or has it always been there? The meds may stay with her for as much as 6months to a full year. I was with a lady who tried the same krap with me, but it wasn't related to HepC or tx. You can only bend over backwards for someone so much until you feel like your bending over forwards.lol Don't let your love for her, put you mentally over the edge. She must know that you are suffering from depression and her hurtful comments only make your condition worsen. As far as wife's go, your mental health is much more important. good luck with a happy ending
There is no question that the treatment can effect mood. And it can result in just the sort of behaviors you describe – anger, lashing out, and volatility.
It's a shame you needed to deal with this in the first year of your marriage when there wasn't much of a track record. Also, it doesn't sound like your wife is especially good at self-awareness. Even if her abusive behavior is chemically induced, there needs to be some level on which she reaches out to you.
One of the weird things about these drugs is that they seem to surface medical issues awaiting you in your future. If you're going to have back problems, neuropathy, or pain when you're 65, you get them on treatment. The symptoms are kind of like a window into underlying medical issues. So you can't just ignore her behavior and write it off. Also, you have a history of entering into abusive relationships. That can't be ignored either.
I suggest you try to wait it out for two months then insist that your wife attend marriage counseling with you to deal with the strain in your relationship caused by the treatment. If she won't, it's very sad but you should see a counselor yourself to help you withdraw from the relationship with your own peace of mind intact.
I'm sorry that you BOTH are going through this and particularly that the first year of your marriage has been spent doing this. That actually says alot about you, that you would marry her and go through this all at the same time. I'm impressed.
It sounds as if she hasn't been like this all the way through .. and that she wasn't like this before treatment or you wouldn't have married her, I would think. Both you and she are almost done and it would be a shame to give up now on the marriage when you both have gotten almost to the end of this very difficult treatment.
It's really hard on the families of people going through this. I would say hang in there until she's done and then see how things shake out. You've come this far.
You might have to give yourselves BOTH some space. Ask her what you can do to help and if she says to leave her alone then do that. Reassure her that you love her regardless of what she's saying to you. And also stand up for yourself .. if she says this is not your home, you can calmly remind her that it IS your home and whether it is the drugs talking or her talking ... you won't take that. And then walk away and don't engage, no point in arguing with someone when the drugs are talking and not them. Just some suggestions...and I hope this helped in some way.
I wish you the best with all the things your going through.To be married only a year and your supporting her through treatment and NO positive remarks.Abusive past and now the words are hurting you again.Keep a positive outlook and seek prof. help.If you love each other, it will work.Meki wrote these words and I wanted to share them with you.Try to keep a level head on your shoulders and don't let anyone abuse you again.Sounds like you love her.Ask her if she loves you and take it from there.Good luck to you.I would get some help before I throw in the towel, so to speak.It takes alot of work to make it all work out.Hopefully it will for you guys.When you need to talk, theres plenty of support on this forum.Like me, I'm just trying to help.To: meki's response
Stay far enough away that your noise doesn't affect me, or your perfumes or colognes don't overpower me... Or so that you don't hurt my aching bones --- or steal the air that I feel that I can't get enough of. Stay far enough away so that I don't feel like growling at you for absolutely no reason, but for some reason seems to be the most important thing at that moment to me.
Don't talk to me... Because nothing you're going to say is going to make much sense to me in the first place, and it makes me angry that for some strange reason I feel like I'm in a bubble and can't communicate properly back to you and I'm frustrated.
Don't touch me because it hurts - because right now my skin is on fire and it itches and there is nothing I can do to put that fire out or scratch that itch.
Don't play loud music or turn up the tv to blaring - because I'm sensitive to sounds and lights.
If I'm in a dark room - leave the lights off. If I'm in a bright room - leave the lights on. Sudden changes in lighting or temperature take on a whole new meaning for me --- and it's usually painful or very uncomfortable.
If I seem like I can't hear you - or I take forever to answer your question - don't take it personally - I may not be able to push past the fog in my head. I hate that I can't talk back to you - or carry on a full conversation. In my head I'm feeling guilty as it is and frustrated that I can't... Because it seems like it should be there - right on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't seem to find it. And I don't know how to find it. I don't even know where it is. So please don't just stand there waiting for my answer, I can't give it to you.
Hold me when I ask for it - because I need it desperately right then.
Love me no matter how much I yell or scream - or just lie there looking sicker than a dog.
Cook for me - even though I tell you I can't eat it - maybe an hour later I'll be able to taste it - or maybe it will not make me throw up again or I won't be queasy for the next 24 hours and it might be alright.
Know that sometimes no matter what you do - because you're not me, going through these things, you just can't possibly understand it.
Understand that none of this is personal... Or maybe that it's more personal than anything I've ever done before.
thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It has been three days since
she told me she hates me and wants a divorce. If this were the first time she said she hates me,I would say okay it's the meds.but it is the third time the other two before the treatments began.It seems as long as I just do whatever she says things are fine.All of this really built up to a head when I started writing again after many months of writers block. The difference being this time for the first time in 8 years I couldnt stop. I knew thatwhat I was doing was very important! You see I have diabetea high blood pressure and copd and have to use oxyzen at night. The aded stress of her treatments and the coldness she has displayed the last couple of weeks makes me realize that I have to survive this.If it were only the mood swings I could handle that.It is the violence that I cant handle.And then she said she wanted to desroy my studio(something I have dreamed of all my life and had before we ever married, That scares me.Here I find myself again in a situation where someone wants to destroy me for their own joy. And she has always been a very controling person but I have noticed the past few weeks that things I mentioned that my ex did to make my life hell she has been doing. So I am gonna focus
on this music and protect my self. She lost her mom last year and was devastated when her mother cut her out of her will.because she sold her mothers home and had her deamed mentally uncapable to make her own decsions.I didnt realize that i you dont do what she says she will make you
This is a very sad situation.I really am at a loss for words.I wish you ONLY the best at what you decide to do.She also has a story, I'm sure.You can lose yourself in the studio and that can be a good thing.She has to much control and that is not a good thing.I'm sorry to hear about your health issues.Again, I wish you the best.The answers will come to you and you will know what you have to do.Can you put a lock on your studio ?Keep the line of communication open with her.With your health down at this time tell her it's time we make some decisions.Or at this time of the economy being so messed up postpone the talk for a bit.I want to help if I can but your situation sounds to serious to do that.Again, I wish you the best in all you have to do to get through this.I wish I had the answers but I don't.I've been married for 31 yrs. and love my family more than anything.It takes alot of work to make it work.On Both parts.Good Luck depressedhusband.Whether you worry about your problems or not it doesn't help the outcome.Quit worrying so much about it.Worrying doesn't help.Start a diary of all the things you guys say and do.A journal would help with your need to write, also.
i'm so sorry :( both of you are coping with some hardships right now. first of all, i'm just really glad to hear so many concerned family member here. then i know the treating are in good hands.
the reason for treating is so one can be given a chance at better health and therefore better life. if your wife is falling apart during tx, and she's not even done, then what is the point of treating? she needs to reevaluate her purpose for treating and life.
try to leave her alone when she's angry. i get those swing moods during tx too, and i just want everyone to leave my alone and go to sleep. and i'm sure the dogs are a great therapy for her so don't get rid of them!
my philosophy with treatment is to deep things and attitudes as normal as possible even if life has changed somewhat temporarily. just remember, treatment won't be forever, she'll be done in no time and you two will continue to life a wonderful life! always think positive!
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I started having anger issues a couple of weeks into treatment and to my doctor's and husband's relief started anti-depressants. They have really helped me to calm down and not be so reactive at least to my husband. My doctor and his staff are still on notice as far as their incompetance and my reactions to it.
Your wife needs to suck it up. I hate to say it but really you do every thing for her. You've gone above and beyond the call of duty. I realize she's sick but this is partly your fault. You need to stand up to her and tell her you are sick and tired of her sh*t. Even when someone feels bad, has mood swings, all it takes is for them to try a little harder to be nice to you. I had a girlfriend that is pretty much just like your wife is now the only difference is she was just crazy she wasn't even on meds. I wish you all the best luck in the world but get off the AD's they rarely do anyone any good. You shouldn't take anything just because someone else is depressing you. Tell your wife that you will leave her if she keeps this up it’s not fair to you.
Just to give you an example of how nuts these meds can make you.
I have a 20 year old daughter I love more than life. She was born with serious lung problems and has almost died three times.
Once during treatment I looked at her and told her to stop breathing she was breathing too loudly. Yup. From her mommy who loves her more than anything in the whole world. I didn't mean it and certainly didn't mean to say it out loud but somehow when we are hurting sometimes we lash out the most at the ones we truly love because we know they love us so it's easier than dealing with ourselves.
Treatment ***** plain and simple but the meds REALLY do physically and mentally alter you - to some people to a great extent. I was lucky my doc started me on antidepressents a month BEFORE treatment started. Could you imagine what a witch I would have been without them?
Fortunately I had a very long discussion with my family about the possibilities before I started so they KNEW it wasn't really "me" it was the 'meds'. You have to try to realize that too.
Once her body detoxes the meds for a couple of months after treatment see how it goes. Most likely things will go back to 'normal'. You are one brave soul and the kind of husband every woman dreams of having. I wish I had had one during treatment however...I probably would have tried to hate him away too, see I hated what I was going through so it was just easier to put it on others sometimes rather than deal with it myself.
I live alone and yelled at the air for months and months! I was SO agitated and angry I couldnt tolerate myself! It will go away after tx.
That was one of my worst sx was anger I could have punched someone everyday!
I am a very mellow, peaceful person in general, and NEVER get out of control never.
Tx made me become a nasty wicked person.
Im finished tx now and back to my old self....
I know what your going thru.
We all do.
What nice things to say to depressed husband.Thank you. Getting ready to take my 12th. shot and don't have the experience that you guys have with these meds.Atleast I know I'm in the Normal range, so to speak.
Depressedhusband.Good Luck with everything !
nothing brings out the worst in people like this treatment.
My personal opinion, after going from pretty easy going to the grinch that stole christmas is everyone should go on antidepressants before starting tx.
this tx makes you want to curl up in a ball somewhere and only come out to cry or scratch something!!
If you can hang in there and remember it's not her it's the drugs....but many marriages have been broken over this.
The problem in this tx strips all the happy chemicals from your brain. Once they are gone, it feels like someone took a cheesegrater to your psyche. It hurts to think, to talk, to be touched or even looked at. Paranoia runs deep is an understatement.
The only thing I can advise you, is plead with her and her doc to get her on some antideppressant. I take remeron at night, and also take .05 Ativan with each Riba dose because it was jangling my nerves so bad I couldn't sit without quivering or even keep clothing on my body it hurt so much.
If you can get her on the right meds, and be as tender and attentive as possible while her system settles down you might make it. My hubby leaves me alone for the most part, except he brought me meals, and pills, and water, and that's what I needed while trying to ride out the rollercoaster. It settled down once the meds began to work.
(which will happen more quickly if they will give her some ativan or xanax. The others take a couple months to kick in.
Right now, she is like a sick animal wanting to crawl in her cage and die. I know, and that's probably on her mind a lot, wanting to die. Hang in there, and remember the person you married and swore to love. Just tell her, I am here to take care of you, because I love you. Even if you don't love me right now, I know that's these nasty chemicals, and I'm going to be right here, or right out in the dog house for when you need me. Then give her a little bell so she can call you when she needs something.
A lot of times, its just knowing someone cares, or the fear that they don't that makes people push others away. Once you show consistant fidelity that should change. All you need is for her to know you are commited and forgiving....and remember right now she is probably very scared. Scared of what this disease and meds are doing to her, scared of what it will mean if she doesn't get well, scared of giving it to you...and on it goes.
The reason she has surrounded herself with dogs is so that one at least will always be available to emotionally help her hold on. So her actions are telling you she wants and needs comfort, she just doesn't know how to ask for, or get it from you.
Try a few tactical changes, like rent or get funny movies from the library, let her choose what gets watched on TV, etc. anything to accomodate because her emotions are raw.
(I was crying over Charmin commercials)...I mean anything and everything could set off a crying for no reason spree....so you need to walk gently on the eggs....very gently.
This too shall pass. And don't think it's cause she's a woman....my NP told me "this is the only treatment where we have seen grown Marines reduced to pools of tears".
So even if she looks no different, even he RNA/DNA is being attacked by this...and she literally has little bombs going off on a cellular level from stem to stern. She's in a war zone, so you have to treat it like a recovery ward. Don't jostle the patient just clean up the messes and see that you do all in your power to keep things easier and lessen her load. My hubby totally took over the cooking, laundry and everything.....and I think if I had had to do that when I was in the worst of it....it would have been more than I could have borne. I credit his compassion with bringing me through this last year and a half with our love and marriage still intact. If not for his patience and forbearance it could have been a very different outcome. And yes, someday, she will be back...it's just everyone gets very cranky taking "pesticides" for months....
If you go back and read his post you will find she was like this before tx. Tx just made it worse. It seems to me, with her personality, she is not trying to use any restraint for the Riba rage. If restraint is not used we all could have been like Linda Blair in the exorcist. Tx does change some people’s out look on life but I doubt it is going to happen. If it were me, I would stick it out until she recovers from tx. If things do not change, I would have fulfilled my obligations as her husband, count my losses, and get the hell out of there. Life is too short to be miserable On the other hand, I have been around long enough to know, there is 2 sides to every story.
You hit the nail on the head man. You HAVE to use restraint while txing. Lots of times my first reaction is to lash out but I know what is causing it and I control it. Things just p-i-s-s me off more than they used to. I'm not happy all the time. I have days of darkness and melancholy. I don't feel good anymore. I don't have any energy and I'm not the social creature or the same person I was before tx and why would I expect to be? You can't sit around all day mad at the world, feeling sorry for yourself and taking your aggression out on your loved ones. If you have to withdraw a bit than do so. If you need an AD to cope, get on one. However, I disagree with MB, not everyone should be on them b/4 starting tx. Tx is a huge inconvenience in the life process, suck it up and move on. It isn't easy but emotions are manageable for most because everybody really knows why they are feeling hostile, sx aren't a new concept. We know going into this it's likely to happen. It's just a matter of controlling it. Works for me so far! I'm in better tune with what's going on emotionally than I was b/4 tx. I've learned to be more patient at work and at home. That is the truth.
My first case of Riba Rage.
My Project Manager was only trying to do me a favor when he called to tell me he was going to send a couple of laborers to my jobsite to clean. I took it as if he was insinuating my site was a mess. I let him have it with both Barrels.
The hard part was having to call him back after I calmed down. After that, I learned to keep my mouth shut until I confirmed if it was the Riba Rage or a legitimate reason to have the Red @ss. Oh the passed up opportunities.
Look, it's really simple: These meds will make you act the way you really want to act without putting too much thought on avoidance. If she's a ***** at the core, then she'll be a ***** on the meds. You said she acted similar since before the treatment.
Maybe you should consider whether you should be with her. Do you deserve better? Or do you like it when she treats you like dog ****? I dont' think this is a med issue at all. Don't confuse the type of person she is with her recent excuse of medication.
There is a time to call it quits in a relationship. If she's the same to you after treatment and you don't leave her then you are both stupid and a coward.
It can take a year or longer for the side effects to subside. I was so delighted when my dreams returned.
If you can, try to remind your wife that she is still reacting to the drugs in her system and tell her how much you love her and want to save your marriage.
I wish you the best of luck. OH
i can say that during treatment i also moved into the other room, for a number of reason, I was so irritable, that anything would wake me up and then I would be furious (yes even my husband breathing) I wouldnt lash out to often, I just wanted to be alone. My husband was very patient, but the treatment was really hard on him as well.
Its been six weeks post and I am back to myself!!
As the others said, the meds are horrible and you AD's help.
I also think that if you have a strong marriage to begin with it does help get you through the hard times, being newly married you and your wife are really testing the waters the hard way!
I too am sadden to hear about the difficulty with anger and hurtfullness r/t tx. I also read that some of these behaviors surfaced before tx started. 2 things crossed my mind. I feel that just because these behaviors were exhibited before tx does not mean they can't be related. I know that when I found out I hafd Hep C I was really really angry. I felt like if I had to deal with all of these issues then why not someone else (like the one closest to me my hubby) So.. prior to tx was your wife able to have a counselor to help deal with all this anger and frustrations. I will not go into alot of details but having hep c affected all areas of my life. If my hubby and I had not been together over 20 years I may have been the end for us. As newlyweds I would have dreams about romantic evenings bidg financuial stability, and even possible other dreams. Did this illiness cause some of her dreams to be shattered? I did not have to wait till tx to be drepressed. If I wouldn't talk with my hubby he would let my doc know. In a nut shell I believe that emotions running wild do not have to start when tx begins. I also could not help but wonder if she may be using drugs or etoh to help deal with the situations. Alot of drugs/etoh usage or withdrawls can exhibit the same type of behaviors. I apologize if I offended anyone because that is not my desire. I will keep you both in my prayers.
Look guys, I know you are trying to sympathize with this woman but IT IS NOT THE MEDS. These are some excerpts from his last thread describing her BEFORE TX. The woman has mental issues
“If this were the first time she said she hates me,I would say okay it's the meds.but it is the third time the other two before the treatments began.It seems as long as I just do whatever she says things are fine”.
“And she has always been a very controling person”
“She lost her mom last year and was devastated when her mother cut her out of her will.because she sold her mothers home and had her deamed mentally uncapable to make her own decsions.”
”I didnt realize that i you dont do what she says she will make you”
As someone who was on the meds, I can testify as to how much they can make you crazy, so unlike yourself you wouldn't believe it. It didn't start when I started the meds but before, when I found out I would be taking them and the possible side effects. Everyone who was close I pushed away, not because I didn't love them, but because I thought it would be easier on them to be gone then to be involved with me. i know that it's hard, and your wife isn't the same person as the one you married right now but given time, she may be again. The person hasn't left for good, she's just being overshadowed right now by some very powerful meds. If there were good qualities to her before, there will be again.
I look back to how I treated my husband and children while I was on treatment and I am just horrified at some of the things I'd said and done. I know it must be very hard for you right now, but if you hang in another few months, you will have a much better idea if it's the meds talking or just her.
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