friday funnies

[derail]

good AM and what an intereting week we have had. everything form g  spots to mammeries ,dirt clog and love petals onthe south lawn .A pre wedding spat with INDY and theREV complete with gag and spank routines ,many political rants and rolls not to mention wmd up so many butts. We also had dickie polishing tallywhacking and numerous references to chevy's grapefuits.MMM bet you cant eat just one So ,on a lighter note belated Canada Day and happy 4th of July all....

A man and a woman found themselves on a transcontinental train and ended up in the last available sleeping berth. It was awkward and the man took the upper so she had the lower. Around 1 AM he woke cold. excuse, he said to the lady, would you reach into the cupboard and get me a blanket. I'm cold. Tell you what she replied, lets pretend we're married. WOW, thats great,I like that. She then stated"get your own freeking blanket,a**hole" .So he rolled over and farted.

have agood one thats all folks... Daryl

[derail]

tellyou what the truth shall set you free and quit drooling over your screen whenever someone says tallblonde I know its HARD for you

[Sam Hall]

Why you sorry son of a ....I mean perhaps you misunderstood my means of prayer.
Samuel Hall(damn you're eyes)

[derail]

you very well know I regard a woman as a temple of god and try to enter the temple as often as i can. you're just perving

[Sam Hall]

Avoid thee antics/behaviour of the man a post above and stay safe
Sam H

[derail]

have a great  vacation best of the best and no sx for you .... daryl

[DebbieDo]

I'm going on vacation today to visit a friend in Idaho. I dont't know why I'm going, other than i have been shut in for 6 mos.....
I will relax and enjoy my visit.....with NO sides .....i hope.........
I'm taking one injection with me on the plane........i got a note from doctor to carry the syringe..........I hope i dont have a hassel........I will keep calm if i do.......Have a wonderful and safe holiday.........Lov U all.......Deb

[Indiana]

I just want to tell y'all to be careful on the 4th. I hope it all goes better than my LAST years experience. Here is part of last years post.........


  I'm doing GREAT these days. I had 1 haircut all of last year but I've had to get 3 since ending my tx in Feb. I'm eating everything in sight so the weight is comming back nicely. I don't have any real after effects of my tx...except maybe some minor skin problems. Life after tx is GOOD for me.
I did have some problems comming up with a 4th of July plan though. I didn't want to chance a repeat of last year (My tx 4th) and run into trees with flaming things in my ears...so I made a NEW foolproof plan.
I went out by the road and CLIMBED a tree. I used to load my own shotgun shells so I had about 4 lbs of gunpowder in a container. I put little piles of it around the road and the plan was to sit in the tree and hit them with bottle rockets. I put the 1/2 empty container about 50 yards away in a hollow tree...to be safe. My plan was foolproof!!
  Well...as with all my plans, things went tragicly wrong....
I was sitting in the tree and shooting bottle rockets at the kids that passed by. They started shooting back. The gunpowder container must've had a hole in it. One of the kids rockets got over by the tree I had it stored in.
There was a quick flash....and then a BIG BOOM!
Did you know that trees could fly??
As I was falling outa my tree from the concussion I saw that dead tree break and lift right off the ground! It made almost as much noise as I did while it hit the ground.
Then it all got VERY VERY quiet.
The neighbors all say that mine was the biggest boom of the night.   Oh really?? I didn't notice.....
One good thing...I got rid of that damn woodpecker. In fact I think ALL the animals have left the woods here. I wonder why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hahahaha
Tx and explosives??  Believe me...You don't EVEN want to know what happened to me on my Tx 4th of July. It wasn't pretty.
Hahahahahaha
Smokey The Bear has GOT to be nervous.  

[cindee]

derail Hi! Just wanted to say TY for the funnies. Good idea!
You're a super guy! Best Wishes for a Fourth of JULY week-end! I did get some veggies @ the spring's farms.....and had to buy watermelons!!!!!!! YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!!!! Then we'll be off, to a lake where they set a floating dock out in the water and shoot the fireworks off of that!!!!!!! It's so cool!!!!!!!

fsplinf, Hi! I know we are close to each other. Do you know the bridge I am talkng of ....like if you were headed to Gastonia....it's like if you go though Ft.Mill, past TEGA CAY, then Right on 49 and down to
Buster Boyd Bridge???? It's a wonderful place to go! There's a city park there on the lake.....or you can park over at the boating landing. We can't wait!!!!! Hope you and hubby have a HAPPY FOURTH!!!!!!! love @ prayers, Cindee  PS There's also T -BONES ON THE LAKE......but I bet ya need reservations for the 4th!!!!!!!! Sit on the dock!!!!! OHHHHH So Much Fun!!!!!!

Indy......Great one!!!!!!! Gotta write it down, til I learn it. I'll call my sister and Mother and read it to them!!!! They are going to LOL.....My Mother's eyes go completely SHUT when she laughs alot....this one will "blind her"!!!!!!! Talk to ya soon....many prayers @ much love, Cindee

[Indiana]

Subject: Buying a Horse

A guy calls his horse rancher buddy and says he's sending over a friend to look at a horse.

The buddy asks "How will I recognize him?

"That's easy. My friend's a midget with a speech impediment."

So the midget shows up and the rancher asks if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget says." So the rancher shows him a prized filly.

"Nithe lookin horth," the midget says. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the rancher picks up the midget, who gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nithe eyeths, can I thee her earzth"? The rancher picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe earzth. Can I thee her mouf"? The rancher is getting a little ticked off, but he picks the midget up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf. Can I see her ****?"

At this point the rancher"s had it. He grabs the midget under his  arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out, and slams him on the ground.

The midget, sputtering and coughing, gets up. "Perhapth I should rephrase that," he says. "Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[cuteus]

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
There is No f*****g way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be s******g me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps! You should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a s***.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f...?
TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a p**ck.
TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the f *** you're doing
TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another f*****g meeting!!!

Thank You,
Human Resources

[cuteus]

Feel free to send this to certain govt members:

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
Subject: Language Sensitivity

Dear Employees:
  It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.
  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated.
  We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
  Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

[Sam Hall]

Ok i moan about GPs a fair bit but i wanna tell you this one gets the bisquit.I ,as most men do, spend a good deal of free time just massaging/adjusting me nadgers when all of a sudden i felt a lump. Straight on the phone to make an appointment. Steps bravely into the GPs office, where upon she said do you mind a student being present.It was a bloke so i thought ok moral support.Now we have to go to a side room. Jump on the table she says and adjust your kaks so i can make a good inspection. She then produced a pair of micro thin latex gloves and i noticed she had a deformed hand. It was her turn to do the massaging then. And of course i reared up like a python with a pig stuck in it's throat.Mmmm she says nothing wrong there MrHall, i just need to get something walked out and left the door to the crowded waiting room open. I lay there briefly standing proud to an audience  sick people,'til i said to the student shut the *uckin door man.Ah yes of course he says. He looked at me and said "women eh"? Well true it was a bit embarrasing but boy did i enjoy the feel-up i got with a latex gloved gammy hand...once in a life time i tell ya!
S Hall

[Amerabrit]

I was brushing my teeth one morning and the toothpaste tasted ABSOLUTELY, DISGUSTING*!*!  I was wretching and trying really hard not to throw up.  Upon closer inspection of the toothpaste tube, I read the product brand:  Preparation H.

What's worse is that happened before I started TX:)

[kennedge]

so this guy was out back chopping firewood...not paying attention..he cuts off part of his finger....running to the house he yells for his wife to call 911 that he cut his finger off...she yells back did you cut your whole finger off..he pauses then says...naw the one right next to it..

[layla]

I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!  I received this from a friend yesterday.
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it!
This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now...

[snook_man]

Sounds like my house Daryl!!!LOL!!!

I got one for you, but it is kind of dirty. A guy was traveling on a road trip, and had a really bad urge to take a ****. He had been waiting for a reststop or anything, so he could stop and drop his load. Finally, a gas station, so he pulled over and ran for the bathroom. When he got to the stall, he noticed that there was no toilet paper.DAMN!!!! He looked in the other stall, and it had none either. He went and looked in womans bathroom, and still nothing.Damn!!! He even checked for paper towels, but was **** outta luck. He couldn't wait, so he just sat down, and let it go. Why reading the classifieds, writtten all over the stall walls, he noticed a hole in the stall, that said no toilet paper in these bathrooms, only MAGIC!! It said to wipe with two fingers, then stick them in the whole, and they would be magically wiped clean. The guy, had nothing to loose, so he wiped, and stuck them in the hole. On the other side of the wall, was a guy with a hammer, and he smashed those damn fingers!! At that time, the poor guy pulled his hand back and stuck his fingers in his mouth, magically wiping them clean.
Sorry, I warned you it was dirty, in a dirt clog sort of way!!!
Good day to all!!!