Staying over with friends who don't know - should I?

[dointime]

Hi All,

Here's my dilemma and any advice you have would be welcome.

I only found out last year that I have the virus.  Now failed Prove2 and living with it.  I travel often and am lucky enough to have friends all over who invite me to stay with them.  Conversely, when I am in a nice place I sometimes invite them.  I'm talking about good long-time friends that I care about, but I don't want to tell about my hepC.  I am now considering whether I should stay with them any more or invite them to my place.

Don't get me wrong - I am not worried about them getting infected.  I would remove all my personal items from their reach, etc.  I am worried about whether they still have a right to know if we are all sharing accommodation, even if they can't get infected.  I am worried that they find out later and freak out because I didn't give them a choice .  I am worried because many people are still uninformed about hepC and how it is transmitted and it would stress them out to find they had shared with me.  I am worried because they might not forgive me for not telling them and I would lose them that way.  I am worried because if I stop visiting they might think I'm giving them the cold shoulder and it will hurt their feelings.

As a postscript, there are a few close friends that I have told about my hepC.  I want to invite them but I am worried that they'll give me an excuse and not come, but the real reason will be the hepC.

So you see I just can't win with this one at the moment.  Do you have wisdom that might get me through this issue please?

dointime.        

[dointime]

Whew, thanks guys, you're the best.  After reading all your comments through I've made up my mind not to tell.  The very few that I willingly told, I did it because they are like family and if I were to up and die on them out of the blue they'd be very traumatised.  Not that I expect that to happen but you just never know.

Here's what happened with another friend who I wouldn't have told except that he arrived in town when I was tx'ing and we go way back to our youth when we worked together.  At the time he arrived I couldn't walk without gasping for breath and I was covered in an angry rash, so there was no hiding that I had a 'condition'.  He's very informed, computer literate, well read, so I figured I could just tell him the truth and he'd say something like - hepC eh, what a bummer, and instantly understand the situation.  Well NO!  He had never heard of hepC!  So what I thought might be a 5 minute discussion turned into over an hour of explanation of first principles of hepC.  I was left totally exhausted.  On the plus side he was great about it and I think it made the friendship stronger, but if I had known what would happen, quite honestly I would have given the whole experience a miss and done without seeing him.  I so did not need it.  I wish it had never happened because, quite apart from it being so taxing for me, it's there between us forever now and that's not what I want our relationship to be about.

So, not telling, me.
dointime

[GoofyDad]

FL: Would you tell them if you had hemorrhoids?
That must be a rectorical question.... Why would anyone let scintilating dinner conversation like that slip by....

[jmjm530]

I only told a couple of family members and a few close friends. Looking back, wish I hadn't cause they don't look you in the eye exactly the same way as before -- but really had no choice due to being housebound for over a year. I suppose I could have told them I had cancer or something, but didn't seem appropriate and would probably have raised more problems.

[R Glass]

I know that not everyone is wired the same. I don’t feel like I am obligated to tell anyone (that is not going to come in contact with my blood) anything. I have a brother and a sister I have not told. I figure, what would be the purpose or what would be gained by telling them. There is nothing they can do for me and I do not need their pity. I also do not have the time or patience to try to educate everyone on something that I don’t fully understand myself.

[jmjm530]

If you take your concern to the extreme, that would mean notifying a hotel before making a reservation, or a restaurant before being served. In fact, you would have to wear a sign around your neck to cover all bases, and even then most people don't know what Hep C really is, so you basically would have to shut the door and stay at home :) You obviously are a very considerate and compassionate person, but as long as you keep your personal items separate and don't bleed on your guests, I would keep things to yourself, unless you wanted to tell them for other reasons.

-- Jim

[orphanedhawk]

The problem as I see it is how much you worry. Really, do what you feel most comfortable with.

If YOU feel some kind of obligation to tell these friends, then do so. You might be surprised and it does give you a chance to educate them. On the other hand, some of your friends might have it also. And anyone who shuns you because of HCV isn't much of a freind.

YOU have no obligation to tell anyone. Do what feels best. And please, try not to worry. Enjoy life :)

[mremeet]

Can't help you decide whether to tell or not, that's your call. But I certainly wouldn't tell anyone until you treat, no need to. Plus, depending on the specifics I would probably avoid telling anyone even as you go into treatment. Believe it or not there are people who tolerate treatment surprisingly well, so well in fact they never have to disclose (or make up excuses for their appearance/behavior in order to deflect suspicion). You never know, you may handle treatment much better than you think, and you may be able to keep it from your cohorts. You'll probably need some kind of cover story about some kind of mysterious intestinal bug you picked up in South America etc because you'll be bluish-gray pale and your hair will thin. Lyme's disease may be another good candidate. Cut your hair very short and start wearing hats all the time well before you start treatment so it'll seem normal when you do lose your hair. But on the other hand if the side effects really kick in and you need time off or shortened days, then it's time to have a private sit down with your boss. Explain what's going on (or provide whatever cover story you deem appropriate), and let him/her know you need an adjusted schedule until it's over. Also that you want your privacy to be respected absolutely and that he/she is not to tell anyone else at work. Make sure you impress upon them that you really mean it too; you want your privacy *respected*. Whether or not they will is your guess, but it's the best you can do under the circumstances. Once you decide to treat and commit to treatment, nothing else matters. You've got to dedicate yourself to the experience and if everyone finds out, you gotta take off a lot of work, you get a nasty rash, your hair falls out etc etc etc, then TOUGH. Sometimes in life ya just gotta do what you just gotta do - and this is one of those times.

[CMcH]

I was afraid to tell my family but when my sister found out she said her husband had tested positive for it and can't donate blood now. I am trying to decide right now if I should tell my boss and co-workers. Initially I wanted to keep it to myself as long  as I could but my Doc tells me I should let them know. I had my biopsy last Friday the 16th and planned to have Thanksgiving wknd off to recover while not telling them. I ended up in ER on Thanksgiving when I was suppose to be preparing a meal  for 20 at my house. I think I did to much after the procedure shopping and steam cleaning my carpets at 10PM with no rest all day, I ended up in the ER with severe focal pain. 14 hours later after US and Cat Scan  they said it was just inflamed and not bleeding but that I couldn't work for 5 days. I work at that same hospital so I called in and said I was in the ER and couldn't work Sat or Monday. Now I think I am going have to tell them something.
I am planning on starting TX in Jan. and I am very close with my coworkers. I am a physical therapist on a brain injury unit and it involves a lot of energy/heavy lifting. I am  considered the strong work horse on the unit so I'm sure they will probably  notice a change in me after I start TX. It is a hospital so they SHOULD understand but there is such a stigma w/HepC they preconceived notions about patients that  come in with it. Plus they blab a lot and before you know it everyone knows.
I have considered lying and saying I had something else but I don't like having that over my head. So I think I'll tell them and hope to get their support & confidentiality. I'm really on the fence with this one.

[mremeet]

Are you kiddin? You don't have to tell nobody nuthin' if you don't want to. And don't be surprised if some or even most of your friends have their own little secrets that they're not telling you about. I mean if you live long enough, who doesn't? You're perfectly entitled to your privacy when it comes to something like this. Unless you're engaging in shagadelic activities during any of these sleepovers, your HCV status is your business and your business alone: end of story!

PS>> And if anyone finds out about it and then gives you the cold shoulder of ignorance afterwards, f*ck 'em! They weren't real friends anyway.

[Robin_Fla]

Hi doin, ;-)

I feel your pain; it is a very hard decision to make. All I can tell you is that I have found that more than once in my life that it was the worry over telling or not telling a big secret (of any kind, including HCV), that was the stress that ended up being the worst part for me. Each time I told some personal information to a friend, boyfriend, or family member about something that I was very reluctant to divulge (HCV being the biggest), the only response I got was concern for me and my situation. None expressed any concern over their own health at all, or changed toward me in any way. I had to tell my fiance when I was dx (now that was some stress!) but he was fine with it and we have been married for 3 years since. My close friends have all been very supportive and encouraging through my tx. I was really on the fence with telling them but in the end, I decided that I would just be matter of fact and let them know what I am going through.It was a good decision for me, and now I don't have the added weight of knowing that I am keeping something significant from them. To a person, they have all been just great. I still visit and vacation with my best friends, their husbands and kids on a regular basis just like always, and no one treats me any differently.

The only close family member I have not told is my Mom. She is such a worrywart and is very elderly that I feel that it would do more harm than good for her to know. She will likely never know about it, even if I reach SVR.

I'm with Flguy about not telling your personal business if you don't want to - but only to a point. If you can truly feel comfortable about keeping this info to your self, then I really don't see anything wrong with that. You will keep your personal items secured, and avoid anything that could cause transmission. No prob - however, you sound to me like it is the worry over the situation that really has affected you as it did me, and that it is not the telling that is your worst fear but the withholding.

Perhaps if you allay one fear at a time, you might see that it isn't as bad as we make it out to be in our own heads. What I mean it, maybe you should extend that invitation to the friends you have told already, and see what the response is. If they decline, then ask them again another time. In other words, don't just *assume* that it is because of the HCV if they decline. They might just be busy or have another reason! If it is the HCV, then ask them if they have any questions or concerns. The dialog may straighten that out.

Everyone is different so you may get different reactions, but I can tell you that of all my good friends and family members I have told, not a one has behaved any differently toward me than before. That's why they are my good friends and not just aquaintances (whom I do not tell).

Best of luck as you work your way through this. I hope you find that your friends are your friends for a reason - because you are a special person to them and vice versa, and that we need to help each other through this life.

Robin_Fla

[ladywhy]

I agree with NYCMark and FIguy totally. Depending on the relationship and if YOU need support from a friend on an individual basis...go for it. Other than that...like FLGuy said, with great wisdom..and I repeat with mirth..."Would you tell them if you had hemorrhoids?

[Lady Lauri]

Now, if you were all planning to shoot up together, or have one big orgy, then that would be a different kettle of fish... ...........

Now that was funny!


Your both right on it is no ones business also.  My post was in the lines of it sounds like he feels it's time to tell them, etc. I totally agree it's each ones personal choice, at home, at work. Just IF you decide to.....and in personal life I have too many people around to hide being sick and not living my 'normal' life and pace.......I feel when you tell someone, give them the facts of it all, how it's transmitted, etc.

   Good Luck in your choice.

                                                                                                  LL

[NYCMark]

Your concerns are touching, but in my opinion misplaced. There is no need to tell these friends your medical history. Frankly, it is none of their business, and perhaps more information than they need or want to have. Flguy was right: certain things are private and of no concern to others.

Now, if you were all planning to shoot up together, or have one big orgy, then that would be a different kettle of fish...

Mark

[Lady Lauri]

Hi. This is about where you find out the difference in 'true' friends and not. Your concerns are all valid and understandable and what we all have to deal with sooner or later.
First tho, with any of these friends, if in the past they have shared razors or any other reasons they could have possibly contracted it, tho slim, I feel they should know that and hear it from you. I think I'd have a private, factual talk with them. Present the dx, present the facts to them and go from there. If they than know the facts, how they react is what will show 'who' they are. Sadly, I've read many here that said they lost good friends in this.

   I have told all close to me and that involves a lot of people! My family, many friends, their grown up kids, my 3 sons and their many friends that have grown up, been around us for years, my (past, but still) step kids, thier dad, a couple ex boyfriends..... Many people. I have been blessed in that not one has changed towards me and if anything, more loving, caring, helpful. My sons friends stop by, hug me and visit. My ex calls, checks on me. We all know the risk and what not to do. They girls and girlfriends still come in my room, borrow my clothes or brush, etc. and know not to use my razor and so on. I really hope this will be how it goes for you.
  How about the closest friend to you......starting there and asking them how to handle the others-providing they all know each other. It was my sister, head of Human Resourse's in a cooperate world, that 1st told me don't broadcast at one of my jobs. After talking to her, I decided she was right in that situation.
  My thought in this is that as you state 'good long time friends', you should be able to share this with them and they should be informed, learn enough to be supportive to you, as it sounds like you would be with them. If anyone starts 'giving you excuses not to come' since you've told them, than you really don't need that 'friend' in your life as much now.
  I wish you the best in however you go with this. I know it's hard as the outcome could be loosing some 'good old friends' and getting hurt. OR, it also can be finding out how much they care and they are supportive and caring. I truly hope it's the latter for you.

                                                  Good Luck,  LL

[FlGuy]

Would you tell them if you had hemorrhoids?  As for telling 'a few close friends' you've potentially told everyone they come in contact with.  To paraphrase Shakespeare; 'discretion is the better part of virus'