telling a long term partner you have herpes

[atj12]

I have been with my bf for over 3 years now. We have been having unprotected sex for about 2 years.  I have herpes and I never told him.  I was too ashamed and too much a coward.  Now he's asked me to marry him.  How do I tell him?  I love him with my whole heart and I am terrified he is going to leave me.  I've tried to tell him in the past, but I would always lose my nerve.

[Nael24]

You are not a bad person and I agree with Grace.  I would suggest a therapist also.  Individual therapy can be a great asset even if things in your life are going well. Perhaps later on if he comes around to the news, it can be turned into couples therapy.  Even if he was really hurt and felt betrayed, those were some really hurtful things to say to you.  I don't think life itself is easy.  There are ups and downs.  Relationships have up and downs.  It's a part of life. How you get through them, is key. I can hear the remorse in your words, and I believe you're a wonderful person!!!!!

[gracefromHHP]

Anyone who can tell you that you sully everything you touch isn't someone who really knows what love and a relationship is all about. You don't hurt someone you love like that!!  Yes he's angry but there's still not a lot of good excuses for this kind of behavoir.  

You are a grown adult. There is absolutely positively no reason for you to tell your parents that you have herpes and didn't tell him as a reason why things aren't so good right now between the two of you!!   He's treating you like a child from the sounds of things.  

I'm really concerned that this man is hitting every destructive self esteem button you have right now. Do you have a therapist you can talk to?  

grace

[handmaiden468]

Your not a bad person, just someone who wanted to love and be loved.  

Not telling him was selfish and sadly your paying a price.

Time is a great healer and the years that you've had together hopefully will hold as some sort of foundation to start again.  He needs space and your understanding. PUT YOUR SELF in his shoes!!! Your going to have to work at trust, so be prepared to absorb his anger!!! Educate yourself and be ready for when he comes around! Which i pray he does.

And if not please learn from this, the pain on both sides is just not worth it ... being up front is the best and rewarding way :-))

This guy wanted to marry you ... so he loves you.  Have faith, gods will be done.

[Alishakun]

Honestly the best advice i could give is that you can't beat yourself up over this.... its hard to tell some1 you have it in the first place because honestly people do look down upon those of us who do have this but thats because they don't understand it and are scared..... It doesn't mean that you didn't love him by not telling him because by the time u realized u were in love him you were to scared to say anything and were afraid of losing him. But you should have giving him honesty, the truth from the beginning let him have a choice.... Just because you made a mistake and got scared (we all do) it doesn't mean that your a bad person.....You are a good person who made a poor choice and now is where that choice is going to come back on you..... if he chooses to not be with you because of this he is choosing the virus over you and honestly you can't let that affect you (i know it will hun i feel that pain as well, to have some1 walk away from you over something minor in comparison to other things in life) But at the end of the day trust is the most important thing in a relationship and once thats broken its hard to rebuild..... maybe if you give him some time to cool down.... and have an adult conversation not a screaming match, give him the facts explain what the virus is, ways to protect himself.... i mean 80% of people have type one which can be spread to the genital area... give him the option of knowledge before you loose all hope hun...... i know it hurts to lose some1 you love

[atj12]

that is what i think is going to happen with us.  i dont think he has it, but even if he doesn't he'll never trust me enough to marry me.  i dont think we can heal from this, but I am praying to God that we do.  I have never harmed anyone before this - and i don;t know what came over me.  did i want to have him leave me?  did i do this so he'd have no choice?

he told me that i sully everything i touch.  i really do feel that way. no excuses, im a bad person.  i have to be, to do this to someone i love.  do i even know what love is?  can i be in love with him and do this? he asked me those questions last night.  before i thought i knew the answers, but seeing the pain in his face and listening to the pain in his voice - im the worst person in the world. i dont deserve happiness, because when i was given the opportunity i threw it away. i cant even look in a mirror right now, let alone look him in the eyes.

[Alishakun]

......"Well, I told him last night.  He is beyond angry.  he is so angry that he's not even yelling.  He feels that I have taken everything from him and I can't help but to agree with him.  I am hoping that he will stay with me, but he thinks that I am a horrible person who has stolen his future and made him into a statistic.  He wants me to tell my parents why we are not getting married. he said that he loved me so much.  loved, past tense.  

its nothing more than i deserve.  i lied to him for years.  i was selfish and untrustworthy.  I didn't believe that he could love me with this and now i have condemned myself with my actions.  how can he ever love me, trust me, marry me when i lied to him throughout our relationship?

What is wrong with me????!  I don't understand myself.  he is so wonderful and then i happened to his life.  he said, and i believe, that he should have gone with his gut instinct and never dealt with me."..........




When i read this i started to cry.....Those were the exact words said to me  by my exboyfriend.... except i was unaware i had it and did a usual check up with a obgyn and it came back positive for type 2.... all my previous tests were negative before the beginning of our relationship..... so i was made out to be a liar and was accused of sleeping around on him when neither was the case.....  but i agree being honest is the most important thing you should have told him, now that i kno i have it its important for me to make sure to tell a future partner and let them have a choice.... but as i read the words you wrote i felt as if i had wrote it myself and definitely know how you feel whole heatedly maybe he will change his mind when he cools down, but he sounds just like my ex. Sad to say he and i aren't together.. however we still talk and he has the utmost love for me but will never be with me because of the virus...... i wish you the best and hope that it all works out and if not then maybe this was ment to happen for something better to come along.

[Toni22]

I agree with the above poster, He is still in shock, he might say things he doesn't really mean, just give him space and let him clear his head...Nothing is WRONG with you, you merely made a mistake and everyone makes them... Don't beat yourself up, WHAT IS DONE, IS DONE ALREADY...I really hope things work out for you...

[Nael24]

I think there are initial "shock" periods that partners may go through when told after the fact.  Give it a couple of days to let him cool off and see how he feels then.  I think I'd be upset too and then eventually come around especially if I loved someone that long.  I think it is totally more of a trust issue than the issue of herpes.  I am in the same situation as you right now.  I am definitely relating to you and understand how you feel at the moment.  Whatever happens, good luck.  This is definitely a lesson we both have learned from.

[atj12]

Well, I told him last night.  He is beyond angry.  he is so angry that he's not even yelling.  He feels that I have taken everything from him and I can't help but to agree with him.  I am hoping that he will stay with me, but he thinks that I am a horrible person who has stolen his future and made him into a statistic.  He wants me to tell my parents why we are not getting married. he said that he loved me so much.  loved, past tense.  

its nothing more than i deserve.  i lied to him for years.  i was selfish and untrustworthy.  I didn't believe that he could love me with this and now i have condemned myself with my actions.  how can he ever love me, trust me, marry me when i lied to him throughout our relationship?

What is wrong with me????!  I don't understand myself.  he is so wonderful and then i happened to his life.  he said, and i believe, that he should have gone with his gut instinct and never dealt with me.

[waringblender]

Yes, I'd also like to know how this situation turns out. Definitely bookmark your thread so you can update us.  

Having herpes isn't a big deal. 1 out of 4 women has it! That's a lot of us. :)

Good luck.

[gracefromHHP]

Just sit down with him and be honest and get it all out.   Tell him how awful you feel about not telling him earlier and let him know that you need to get this all out now so that the two of you can talk about it. I certainly would not say - I understand if you want to walk - or anything of that sort. You have no idea how he will react and you just need to present things as they are and then the two of you work thru this together.  He loves you and knows you are far, far, FAR more than a reoccuring rash on your genital area.   This is just one small step in having a long life together and it certainly will not be your hardest hurdle in your relationship unfortunately.  Like I said - just be honest and tell him why it's been so hard to talk about it over the years but that you really want to clear things up now and move forward together.

You can do this I promise!!!  keep us posted :)

grace

[dac142]

you are beating yourself up too much about this! he loves u as much as you love him right? things should be fine then. yea it def best to let him know asap but have u tried to keep him safe by not have sex when you have an outbreak? if so, tell him that. it'll work out. dont let these people make u feel bad. no body but you really knows how your man will react. you might be surprised.

[Toni22]

I wish you the best, just be strong, take a deep breathe and just tell him, you might be surprise by his respond, when ( and he will) ask why you kept it, just tell him what you told us here, that you love him and was afraid to lose him. It might soften the blow a bit...

[atj12]

I don't know what type - when I was diagnosed I was told "genital." I've since contacted the office where I was tested for more information.

I am taking medication, I've been on suppressive therapy for a few years now.

I wish I had told him too - my lack of confidence and my cowardice has led me to where I am right now.  I felt used and that no one would ever want me. That's no excuse, its just how I felt.  I never shared this with anyone - talked to anyone - I was too ashamed.  I felt that I was less of a person.  

Now I've placed the health of someone I love at risk and its eating me up inside.  I've never been all that stable but I'm trying to work through it.  I really love him, more than words can say, so there is no way I can marry him without telling him, so I'm going to tell him tonight.

[Toni22]

First off... Suicide is the cowards way out. PLEASE PUT THAT OUT YOUR MIND.  Second I think you should have told him as soon as you found out, who knows he might have been ok with it. I told my boyfriend as soon as i took the test and i thought he would leave me, but he said it was nothing and we can work on it.. You have to give some men credit... I think now that the relationship has gone so far and you held out so long, he might not have a problem with you having herpes, he might have a problem with you not being honest and telling him from the start. Plus he might be infected with it now, so you really need to tell him as soon as possible. I wish you the best hun...

[waringblender]

By the way, do you even know the type of herpes you have. Hell, if it's genital type 1, he could already be positive for type 1 so he'd never get it anyway.

Hopefully you are up to speed on the facts about herpes, both types, so if he does come through for you, you can at least carry on an educated conversation about it.

[waringblender]

Well, suicide isn't the answer either. Call a suicide hotline if you truly feel shaky about it this much.

You don't know what he's going to do at this point. He may be fine with it.

Do you take medication? I hope to Jayzus that you were at least taking medication for his sake considering it was unprotected sex. Yeah, I know the risk is really low and it sounds like you didn't infect him, but please tell us you were at least using the suppressive medication.

[atj12]

I haven't lived with myself very well, to be honest.  Several times I have contemplated suicide -
I guess I felt that I was unworthy of his love, and I guess that I have proved that.  I am going to tell him, tonight and let the cards fall where they may.

He doesn't have any reason to trust me and I can only hope that when he walks I'll have the strength to get it together

[waringblender]

That's mind boggling that you never told him. How do you live with yourself? And for so long, too. :-(

Just buck up and tell him. Be an adult about it. He may walk, and he may not.

But that's the risk you are taking. It's possible he would have been fine with it way back when you guys started. Or maybe not. I would rather live with knowing they walked away initially without ever getting involved than live inside a relationship where I hid it from the guy.

The problem is not just the herpes. You've violated a huge trust issue with your dishonesty. So he could think, what else can't I trust her about? It's huge.