suppression & dating

[treatingit]

Like many with herpes, I struggle with dating and have been declined several times after the H conversation; and like all of us, I don't want to give it to another person.

Acyclovir 2x daily was immediately effective in eliminating breakouts and I've been symptom-free for over a year.  I boost the effectiveness further with a zealous diet (my kids long for the taste of sugar...) that's big on natural foods, fruits, veggies, white meats and supplements known to be effective such as Vitamin A / beta carotene and L-lysine, among others...

That said I am challenging disclosure - if aggressive treatment has kept it at bay and suppression is effective above 95%, are we building hysteria or unwarranted fear in ourselves and others in believing every attempt to a relationship must come with a near certain deal-killer?  

Note:  The righteous need not reply....I am sure this is an unpopular idea, if not heresy on the forum and probably for good reason but I would appreciate responses that are respectful and considerate

[purple_orchids]

A related discussion, How to get information was started.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Thank you Tommboy, for adding this very valuable comment.  It is so good for people to know that there is full and happy life beyond a herpes diagnosis.  Sometimes, in the midst of new infection, it is hard to see that.

Terri

[Tommboy]

Hi! Just wanted to let you know I have had herpes for about 12 years now. Yeah it really sucks to have to have the "H" conversation, and yes I was blown off by a few guys, but not always. I did finally find one that I love and that accepted me and we have been together for 5 years and married for 2. Just wanted you to know it is not hopeless, and far better to wait for someone who is going to accept you for who you are, "baggage " included :)

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

OK

Terri

[treatingit]

Thank you for your advice and clarity; I'll pursue it -

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I understand that disclose is difficult, and can result in the decision not to pursue the relationship.  However, my experience as a clinician has been that far more of my patients are accepted than rejected after telling the news about herpes.

However, I think a few things are important in the telling:
1) be certain the relationship has enough "content" before telling, but before having sex.  If thing are very new, and now emotional and intellectual bond has been established, acceptance is less likely

2) present the news in a way that shows you are sharing something hard but now awful.  And your confidence in yourself as a person is not impacted.  If people go in, crying, apologizing, it isn't attractive and it is scary.  

Having said those two things, I think your statistics are off about the impact of acyclovir.  It may eliminate outbreaks, but it does not eliminate shedding.  It reduces it by about 70%, at best.  People definitely still shed virus on suppression, and the more sensitive our studies are that look at shedding, the more shedding we find.  It is no where near 95% effective at reducing shedding.  

The other reason is that you are legally responsible for the transmission of an STD that you knew you had and didn't disclose in many states.  And even if there isn't a statute in your state, you can be found guilty of negligent battery.  I just testified as the expert witness in a case involving a woman who acquired herpes after one intercourse with a man who didn't tell her until just after they had sex.  She came to my clinic immediately after he told her, we got a baseline antibody test that was negative for HSV 2, she had a bad outbreak, and seroconverted to HSV 2 positive.  She was awarded $900,000.    The jurors, without exception, felt he had an obligation to disclose this information to her.  

You will do what you need to do with our own life, but this should be food for thought for everyone who considers not disclosing a known herpes infection.  

Terri