Struggling

[QMR123]

I got news recently that I had a culture test that was positive for HSV2. I initially thought I had a yeast infection that came on about 10 days after sex with a new partner but then a few sores developed and I went to a Dr & got the bad news. I haven't ever had any symptoms before & they cleared up with acyclovir. It's been 10+ years since I had unprotected sex with anyone & over a year since I had a protected sex with anyone else. (there's an additional thread with Dr H re: this)

I told my partner a couple days ago & although I tried to be cool about it - I was clearly very upset (about the situation - not with him). He swore that he hadn't ever had any symptoms but said he'd get tested. He called the next day & said that he thought he knew what happened (he's a Dr - although not practicing anymore). He said the yeast infection was from sex with a new person and it knocked my immune system down & allowed the HSV to affect me. He said I may have had it for years b/c it's easy for women to have it and not know but it would be really difficult for a guy with medical training to have it & not realize it. He said he was sorry & he couldn't imagine what I was going through but he also said it was definitively not from him. He also didn't call yesterday (Thanksgiving) and I was too ashamed & horrified with this that I didn't call him.

I adore this guy & wouldn't be mad at him if I got it from him & he didn't know. Is what he said true? It can't possibly be from him? Is this mine alone to deal with? He made it very clear in his call that it was impossible he had it and I take it from that that he decided he won't get tested.

I am really struggling - I can't eat, I can't stop crying, I don't want to talk to anyone. I think I just lost a guy I was in love with & I am trying and failing to find a way to cope. I think I am having some sort of breakdown today & don't know what to do.  I feel like my life has permanently sunk into a dark lonely place. Please help.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I'm sorry you are still having a difficult time  Its really way too early to feel better, you need to give it more time still.

Your history of cold sores would make your acquisition of HSV 2 much milder than if you did not have HSV 1 (cold sores).  Your symptoms don't sound very mild to me, but again, we may not get to the bottom of this.  Your antibody test could now be positive, though people who are HSV 1 positive make antibody more slowly than those without, so there is still a chance you won't be positive at this time.  How long after the symptoms appeared did you get the IgG test?  

Your partners response is quite disconcerting.  At a minimum, if he were a decent friend, I would expect him to be sympathetic and caring and be in touch.  I would also expect him to be concerned about his getting herpes, and he doesn't appear to be, which is weird, to say the least.  And I'm not sure you would get an accurate answer about his test results, which he may get after all.  In short, I don't think this sounds like a very nice person, from what you've said to us.  I know you wanted this to work out, but given his responses, it may be one of those blessings in disguise, though at this point, I'm guessing you're having a hard time feeling that way.  

I would recommend that you check out Meet People with Herpes (MWPH.com).  You'll find there are many normal and caring people at that site who have herpes, and find support and companionship there.  I'm the medical advisor for that website, as well, so I hope the medical information is correct.  

Terri

[Jackaree]

Hi there.  I have read your posts & others & just want to assure you that you're not alone.  I have had a couple of herpes scares in the past.  I have tested negative each time, but I consider myself to be VERY lucky.  Herpes does not change who YOU are at all.  You are still the same great, attractive person inside & out.  I know a girl who has herpes & is engaged to a guy who I believe is not infected.  I am sure he knows of her diagnosis &, because they have developed a good relationship over time, he is able to look past that.  Please don't consider yourself "down & out" when it comes to dating & relationships.  YOU & who you are as a person come first.  When it comes to the sexual part of the relationship, there are, of course, ways to be proactive & help significantly reduce your chances of transmission.  For example, I have read  on the professional forums here that in the absence of lesions, even WITHOUT using protection your chances of transmission are relatively low, as the asymptomatic shedding of the virus only occurs a small percentage of the time, (like 5-6%, I've read, so maybe 20 or 25 days out of the year, on average).  Also, I've read that with daily suppressive therapy such as Valtrex, you can cut your transmission risk in half.  Plus, if you use condoms, that's even greater protection.  So, really, there are ways to work around this.  Of course the news is hard at first, but you will get past it & after a little time you will see that it's more of just a little inconvenience in your life than anything severely life altering.  I hope your partner decides to get tested & realizes the unrealistic nature of his comments about how it "couldn't possibly be him".  Do you know why he is no longer practicing medicine?  I don't mean that as an insult to him, but if he's been out of the field for some time, he may not be as up to date with things as he seems to think.  Either way, I hope he gets tested for both your sake, & that of any future partners he may have.  Best of luck to you & like I said, don't give up!  Life AND relationships still are out there for you!  :)  

[QMR123]

To Terri and forever4444 - Thanks for your help. Was hoping today would get a little better but it hasn't. I do want to stay in bed & can't eat either - I tried to get outside yesterday & felt like a fraud everytime I looked at someone. I adore being in relationships & haven't had one for a long time. I saw real promise in this one & was so happy not to be so lonely anymore. Now this. It does seem too much to bear.

As far as symptoms. I woke up one morning with a weird pressure in my pelvic region. Thought it was my imagination but it didn't go away. That progressed into what I thought was a yeast infection (itching, burning, redness, white discharge). I took a diflucan & most of the discharge went away, although not all - a watery discharge remained and there were a couple white sores left on one side where it stayed red. Then another sore appeared near the bottom of my vagina and after that - a few days later - a small cluster of little blisters appeared up at the top - right under my clitoris. They turned into a very painful sore that shot out what felt like little electric shocks from time to time. The initial sores didn't seem to heal very fast although the acyclovir seemed to clear it all up within a few days. Can you tell if that sounds more like a new infection or one that was there but had never shown symptoms?

I don't think I had flu like symptoms - although I was traveling & tired so not sure if I would have noticed. I did later notice a swollen lymph node in my groin on the left side that was a little tender. I am also not prone to yeast infections and haven't had one since college (20+ years).

I travel a lot and have a high stress job but have never had anything like this before.

[forever44444]

There is one more thing I forgot to mention.  I think if you get the igg test once, and then get it again a month or two later and see your number rising, then it is also proof of a new infection.  So, even if it shows up positive, you could still figure out from the test whether it was a primary infection.

[forever44444]

Hi again.  I did a search for you and I found a response from Terri saying that they could show up from between 2 wks to 4 months between infection (http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Herpes/herp-question/show/1067517).  So, it seems like in your situation, it would be inconclusive if it shows up positive.  However, if you describe the sores to Terri, she can suggest if it is an initial outbreak or not based on their presentation (like if they were scattered or in one place), I've read another post where she does this (http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Herpes/Boyfriend-gave-me-Herpes/show/1101282).  If the sores were not clustered & you didn't have flu-like symptoms maybe it was a recurrent outbreak.  However, since you have HSV-1 already (cold sores), this might also have made your primary outbreak less sever.  I am waiting for Terri to respond to one of my questions but when she does I'll post a link here for you, since will be helpful in this situation.  I asked, if you are asymptomatic, what is the chances that symptoms will appear and you will start having outbreaks?  That way you will know the chances that this he did not give it to you and it was a dormant infection.  

I am not in the medical field and what I'm saying isn't professional....it's just that his behavior is really suspicious and you should forget about him.  There are a lot of bad people out there, who don't have the decency to warn you that they have herpes.  I now see it from the other side, people with herpes want to be loved and not feel like we are different.  But his response to your accusations is really suspicious too.  It almost seems to me like he knows he has it and doesn't care.  Obviously this is hard to judge from an online description, but it's just a feeling.

I know how you feel about the depression and sadness.  I feel the same way.  When I first found out I could not get out of bed for a week and I didn't eat, I just slept and woke up to cry.  It was the worst day of my life.  Please try to stay positive.  You have a career and there are other things in life outside of sex and relationships.  What you need to do is from now on live life for yourself and do things that make you happy, like be with friends, exercising, do your own hobbies, and put more effort into your career.  Stay strong, the only way to fight the sadness is just to live your day to day life and keep going.  Don't give up.

[QMR123]

Thank you Terri & all for your support. I got though yesterday & woke up just terribly terribly sad today. I can't imagine ever feeling like myself again.

I did have an lgG test but it isn't back yet. It was about 4 weeks after exposure - if that was the exposure. It sounds like if that's negative then it means it's a new infection - but if it's positive then it would be inconclusive? Are there numbers that would matter in that case? The culture test was a PCR test & I understand that to be pretty definitive - unfortunately.

I have had cold sores every once in awhile when I was a kid as well. Haven't had one in a long time.

I have no idea if he's going to get tested at this point. I haven't heard from him in a few days now. And you guys are right - he didn't seem terribly concerned about being exposed. He said that it would have shown up by now if he had caught it, so he was sure he didn't have it.

[tsco]

Im in the same boat as you!  I just found out this week, I have HSV2. MY new girlfriend sayd she couldnt imagine she has it with no syptoms etc, and she doesnt seem very upset about it at all. I think that seems suspicious. I'm devistated. I think forever44444 hit the nail on the head "why isnt he concerned he might have contracted it from you during sex" I think the correct reaction would be oh my god ill get tested and with a little panic! Im dealing with the same type of reaction as you, its puzzling. Concern and panic would be mine. Im so sorry any of us deal with this. I am just sick at my stomach all day thinking about it, but what are we going to do?

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Your partner may be an MD, but I fear he knows very little about genital herpes.  First of all, yeast infections don't "knock out your immune system" in any way whatsoever.  Sometimes people with compromised immune systems have bad yeast infections, but the reverse, a usual yeast infection in a female, doesn't indicate a compromised immune system.  

Yes, it is true that you could have had this for years and didn't know it, but the exact same thing is true for men.  In fact, 90% of both genders who have herpes don't know it.  So you are both in the same boat.  I don't know how long ago you had a positive culture, but I'm wondering if you had a type specific antibody test at the same time, or if it was very recent, if you wanted to get one now.  About 50% of those infected will have made antibody by three weeks after infection, so you can manage your timing.  If you have a positive culture, but a negative antibody screen, then you have brand new infection.  

Have you ever in your life had a cold sore on your lip?  If yes, then that previous infection would keep these symptoms mild as your describe yours to be.  

I hope he will get an antibody test (IgG only) to see where he stands and give insight to your situation as well.  I know you say you love him, but keep some perspective here - this may well have come from him so just do more exploration of the facts and keep open minds.

Terri

[forever44444]

QMR, I'm so sorry I also have herpes and it is devastating.  What a lot of men do is (1) not tell and wait until their partner gets herpes, (2) when confronted deny everything, (3) then come down with a "new" herpes infection, at that point they know you will never leave them because who would love a person with herpes, plus the added guilt that "you infected them" (even though it was actually the other way around!)?  So many people don't tell.  And if you confront a man about this he will probably deny it because people are ignorant and hey if they don't have symptoms they can't possibly have it? If you had herpes you would know.  Wrong.  When I was diagnosed the nurse told me, "let this be a lesson to you.  You can never trust anybody."  I hope you take this lesson too.  Honestly when you can see this through non-emotional eyes you will see that it is most likely that this guy gave it to you and he is (a) a liar and knows he has it or (b) in denial.  If I was you, just forget him.  He's using his position as being in the medical field as a way to manipulate you into thinking it wasn't him.  Yes it is possible for the virus to remain latent for a long time, but it is more likely that it was him.  Him saying that it is impossible for a person in the medical field to not know they have it is BS.  They can be asymptomatic just like 20% of the people who are infected.  Him being in the medical field should make him less ignorant and want to get the tested so that he knows his status.  If he's truly convinced that he didn't give it to you, well you just had unprotected sex together....why isn't he concerned now that he was exposed?  If I was you I would break off contact with him.  I'm really sorry sweetheart you are not less of a person now that you have herpes.  You are still a very valuable person and stay strong.