Desperately need answers

[elmo81469]

A little background. I am 40 and my wife is 32. This is my second marriage. My first marriage ended due to my wife cheating and partying. We are a blended family. My current wife had a 5 year old daughter when we met in 03 and I have been the closest thing that she has had to a father. We have been married 6 years and 7 months and we have a 4 year old son together. Now my wife has always been understanding, supportive, easy going and we have had a very good marriage as far as I know. We've had our little disagreements, but everyone does, nothing big. Until February 09, we had a pretty active sex life, talked a lot and was emotionally connected. In February 09 my wife went for her annual check-up and her OBGYN started diagnosing her with possible female cancer and urging surgery for total hysterectomy. I was totally oblivious to this procedure and did not know much about it or what all the female organs control in a woman. I have always been there for my wife and supported her in every way. I did some research but now that it is over, I wish I would have done so much more research; knowing now what I did not know before. As soon as my wife's OBGYN started telling her this, she immediately began to shutdown emotionally and physically toward me. She has never been one to discuss issues that bother her. I would always tell her, I am here to talk, cry on or whatever she needed. Still she began to shut me out in every way. In June 09 she went through the procedure and spent 4 days in an ICU unit with me by her side unconcious and on a ventilator. Apparently, something went wrong and the procedure nearly cost my wife her life. To this day, we were never explained what happened by the doctor. After the surgery, my wife's OBGYN started treating her differently as if to sweep her under the rug. She soon changed doctors. Now all my wife has been put on since the hysterectomy is an anti-depresent (Wellebutrin) and birth control pills. The current doctor did not wish to put her on HRT therapy. It has now been 15 months since the surgery and my wife and I have no type of intimacy at all and I feel unloved and undesired. The only time there is physical contact is when I hug her and tell her I love her and I do that several times a day just to have contact with her. When I tell her I love her, she will state it back to me. When I go in for a kiss, she will only allow a peck to the side, nothing more. Before this all started with the diagnosis and procedure, my wife had the patience of Jobe. She was a very easy going person and extremely patient. Now that has changed significately, especially with me but I have seen it a little with our children. My heart breaks now because me and my wife had such a special relationship. I feel that I began to lose her when the doctor begain stating cancer to her and I feel I said bye to her forever when she went through the surgical procedure. I'm starved for attention, affection, and emotional connection with her now. I keep praying, I keep researching, I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem to have changed with family and friends. She is still witty, funny, and talkative with them. With me, it is different now. All of my little quirks and faults come to the surface (We all have them). Things that never seemed to bother her before, now do. Now my wife has strong Christian values and when she makes a decistion it is written in stone. When we got married, she said it was forever for her. 2 months ago, she moved to her parents for a week and took the kids which broke my heart because she and them are my life. She stated she needed space to work this out and that by me coming to her parents she could have no space. I told her that I could not bare to be away from her and them so I came to visit just to be near them. She came back home and stated she did not know if she wanted to be married, she didn't know if it was worth it. A few weeks passed and I tried to go on like nothing was wrong but how can a man go on happy if his wife has stated this to him. Especially when he is deeply in love with her. My emotions built up in me over the next few weeks and I came home from work and asked to speak with her and tried to simply talk to her about issues and she simply stated to me that she was done, that she has told me she does not know if she wants to be married. Yet, when I tell her I love her; she states it back to me. So I dropped the issue after losing my emotions and crying. I have since then been put on anti-depressants myself for depression as this is tearing at my heart and soul out. Not a minute goes by that it's not on my mind. Since her return, I do housework, pay more attention to kids, constantly compliment her, do whatever she askes, tell her what she means to me, do little unexpected things for her. I feel it is all going in vain. These things I have done throughout our marriage but am doing even fervently more trying desperately to break through her shell. It's tearing my heart out. I miss my wife so badly I don't know what to do. I know there is no one else, my wife works and is at home everyday and nothing out of the ordinary. Is my relationship doomed? Is this a phase that she is going through because of the events leading to the surgery? Can someone give me sound advice. I want desperately to be my wife's best friend again. Please.

[Anteaskia]

I went through a complete hysterectomy 3 years ago and I was 28 years old. Me and my husband has a very ,very health love life. After the surgery my sex drive is now down to nothing. I had poly cystic ovarian disease. I do push my husband away at time not realizing it. I went into menopause 2 week to the day of my operation. I would suggest counselling for her to have support, most men don't understand what is going on. Also most men don't realize they also have menopause it is called Andro-pause. Look up Menopause and look for counseling for her  and for you and her together and maybe for yourself alone. I am still in menopause and I still have my issues but I know the counseling has helped and the research my husband did to try to understand has been a big help. It sounds like Menopause is the possible issue here. Speaking from experance here.
Hope this helps.
      

[Inny2009]

I agree with jennifer on one big thing...she probably feels less as a woman. To her, they just took out the one thing that really made her a woman (i dont feel that however those emotions do come up) and that is the ability to have children. She probably feels very self conscious and doesnt want you to be dissapointed in her for somehow "failing" you to keep up her role as she did before so easily. She might need some girl time to. Being a mom and a wife and making sure everyone else is ok, she probably has neglected herself. Maybe suggest telling her to go give herself a spa day or to do something without having to worry bout the kids. Talk to her to, tell her you are there for her and tell her your feelings. Ask her if there is anything you could do to make her less stressed out and give her some time. Im at the point where i might be facing a hysterectomy (im only 22) ive given my husband one child and even though he is the light of our lives i bawled when i realized it might have to be an option i need to take. I realized at that moment something very sacred (to me) was being threatened to be taken away. So i can only imagine how it actually feels to get the actual prodecure done! Good luck. Ill be praying for you guys.

[jennifer7138]

Perhaps you should start by writing her a letter just like you have written here. It is much easier to convey everything you want to say in a letter than by speaking. Just put it in an enevelope and give it to her but dont explain what it is. I do not find it strange your wife was prescribed birth control as after hysterectomy for cancers many doctors do not prescribe hrt because the high level of hormones may stimulate further cancerous tissue production . As an alternative the birth control pill may be prescribed as the hormones are delivered in a lower dose. The anti-depressant she is on is one of the few anti-depressants on the market which does not cause sexual dysfunction which is why she has probably been prescribed it. You do not say if she had follow up treatment such as radiotherapy or chemotherapy? She could also make an application to get access to her medical notes or again go to another doctor and find out exactly the reasons behind the operation and what was found during it. As for her treatment towards you a hysterectomy is a huge operation for a woman and many feel a loss of femininity, and a loss of their sexuality after such an operation. She probably feels less of a woman and having the double blow of cancer makes it difficult for her to be intimate with you. Acting normal around family and friends is easier for her as she is able to put up a front and pretend everything is fine as she is not around them 24/7 like she is with you and the children. It does really seem like she does need counselling of some description. Not just her either. I think she needs counselling alone and both of you together. If you cannot broach this subject with her is there a family member you can talk to and who she will listen to. Her mother, sister, friend. ? You need to get her family on board and let them know what is happening and how concerned you are. Perhaps you could even try showing her this forum and get her to come on here and talk to us. We are women who have had hysterectomies and can understand what she is going through. Maybe she can open up to us it is all in confidence. Start though with a letter, pour your heart into it, your concerns your fears your love for her and the children. Tell her she is still the woman you fell in love with and married and nothing will ever change that. You can end it by pointing her in our direction. Both you and her are not alone and if you need to talk anytime please come back we are always here.

[remar]

I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are going through all of this. You sound like you love your wife very much. This can be a life changing surgery for many women. I'm a little surprised her Dr put her on birth control pills. You might want to do some research on Bio-Identical Hormones. This may be an option for your wife. You really need to find out if cancer was found or not. If it was then any hormone therapy may not be an option for her. In my opinion after reading what you've wrote, I don't think your relationship is doomed. Your a very caring husband. Keep doing research about hysterectomies and how they can effect a woman emotionally and physically. Hormones play a big part in a persons sex drive. Your wife has almost none. It does not mean she does'nt love you. Hang in there, okay. We're always here for you and your wife if she would like to talk with women that are going through what she is. Remar