Aa
Not a question, but feel free to comment
Some of you in this group already know me and that I have been going thru a hard time with my wife. Well, I just feel like putting some things down on "paper" this morning. Feel free to comment:
I suspect that my wife has been cheating on me. On Sunday and this morning I described to her in painful detail the scenario that I feel happened in our house based on the "clues" that I found. No condoms or texts or names of guys or 2 glasses. But I found massage oil on the floor near our bed and it obviously had been used. She says she doesnt know how it got there. And a cleaned bathroom which she very seldom cleans. And a weird story about needing to use the hairdryer to dry the sheets after she had "pleasured" herself on the bed. All in the same day.
And she lied to me about where she was on a different day earlier in that week - I presented a receipt to her after she denied being there. She has repeatedly denied that anything has happened with anyone. But of course that is to be expected - she cannot win in that case.
Sunday morning I threatened that if she does not admit to the affair that it will end our marraige, but if she does admit to it then we can work on things (Catch 22 I guess). Well that arguement ended in crying & swearing at me, her saying that nothing has happened and that I am going crazy.
This morning I told her I had to get the thoughts out of my head, so I held her tight against me in bed and we had a discussion in which I laid out in great detail how the affair happened in our house. What happened, where it happened, how it happened, etc...
As I was doing this I was feeling for her heart, to see if it raced. I was feeling for sweat, to see if she was reacting in any fearful or anxious way at all. NOTHING. She held my face in her hands and told me that it was a "nice story" but not true. She said she did not cheat on me.
I am starting to feel like either she is a pathological liar or I was wrong. I dont think that she is a pathological liar and even after all this I still love her I want to believe her.
If I am right, then it seems to me that she has been caught whether she will admit it or not. We can start to work on the relationship again if I can get this rumination out of my head. If I am wrong, then we can still began to work on the relationship to make it work. She says she wants to work on making the relationship better. I want to learn to trust her again.
Its weird. As repulsive as the idea of her having sex with someone else is, on some levels I wish she would just admit it to me so that we can move past this. But if there is nothing to admit, then there is nothing to admit!
Finally, she might be thinking that based on our past experience in which I have not been able to let go of or forget things easily, that admission of guilt would be the end of us, even though I am currently claiming that it would not be.
J
I suspect that my wife has been cheating on me. On Sunday and this morning I described to her in painful detail the scenario that I feel happened in our house based on the "clues" that I found. No condoms or texts or names of guys or 2 glasses. But I found massage oil on the floor near our bed and it obviously had been used. She says she doesnt know how it got there. And a cleaned bathroom which she very seldom cleans. And a weird story about needing to use the hairdryer to dry the sheets after she had "pleasured" herself on the bed. All in the same day.
And she lied to me about where she was on a different day earlier in that week - I presented a receipt to her after she denied being there. She has repeatedly denied that anything has happened with anyone. But of course that is to be expected - she cannot win in that case.
Sunday morning I threatened that if she does not admit to the affair that it will end our marraige, but if she does admit to it then we can work on things (Catch 22 I guess). Well that arguement ended in crying & swearing at me, her saying that nothing has happened and that I am going crazy.
This morning I told her I had to get the thoughts out of my head, so I held her tight against me in bed and we had a discussion in which I laid out in great detail how the affair happened in our house. What happened, where it happened, how it happened, etc...
As I was doing this I was feeling for her heart, to see if it raced. I was feeling for sweat, to see if she was reacting in any fearful or anxious way at all. NOTHING. She held my face in her hands and told me that it was a "nice story" but not true. She said she did not cheat on me.
I am starting to feel like either she is a pathological liar or I was wrong. I dont think that she is a pathological liar and even after all this I still love her I want to believe her.
If I am right, then it seems to me that she has been caught whether she will admit it or not. We can start to work on the relationship again if I can get this rumination out of my head. If I am wrong, then we can still began to work on the relationship to make it work. She says she wants to work on making the relationship better. I want to learn to trust her again.
Its weird. As repulsive as the idea of her having sex with someone else is, on some levels I wish she would just admit it to me so that we can move past this. But if there is nothing to admit, then there is nothing to admit!
Finally, she might be thinking that based on our past experience in which I have not been able to let go of or forget things easily, that admission of guilt would be the end of us, even though I am currently claiming that it would not be.
J
When I read your story, only the massage oil seemed significant; now you are wondering about the validity of that evidence.
One thing I will say - guys are typically less 'intuative' than women, so if our radar does go off, there's a fair chance there is something there. Every time my intuition told me my wife was up to something, I was right; a few times she denied it, but when she eventually admitted, it turned out that my intiutition had been right all the previous times too.
Equally, I totally get how you can get paranoid, and be searching for clues, and if you stress enough about it you will find suggestions that turn out to be totally groundless, such as the fuel receipt.
If you pester her with your allegations, and you're wrong, that's a sure-fire way to some serious damage to your relationship. There will come a time when, even if she's done nothing, she'll feel like she can't live with you being suspicious of her all the time. Even if you are not accusing her, but she finds out you've been checking her receipts or her e-mails or mobile 'phone records, you'll significantly damage how she feels about you.
If you have worries and doubts and simply need to get them off your chest, go and see a councellor. They're great for just unburdening all your stuff onto, without any risk of comeback.
You are in a tricky situation here - if she is up to something you need to know about it, but if she isn't then you could destroy your relationship with your groundless suspicions.
All I can suggest is that you try and let it go for now, and work hard on yourself to get back to trusting her. It'll take time; but in time you will either rebuild your trust, or more evidence will appear that justifies your initial suspicions. But don't go looking for it.
Good luck, I hope things work out.
One thing I will say - guys are typically less 'intuative' than women, so if our radar does go off, there's a fair chance there is something there. Every time my intuition told me my wife was up to something, I was right; a few times she denied it, but when she eventually admitted, it turned out that my intiutition had been right all the previous times too.
Equally, I totally get how you can get paranoid, and be searching for clues, and if you stress enough about it you will find suggestions that turn out to be totally groundless, such as the fuel receipt.
If you pester her with your allegations, and you're wrong, that's a sure-fire way to some serious damage to your relationship. There will come a time when, even if she's done nothing, she'll feel like she can't live with you being suspicious of her all the time. Even if you are not accusing her, but she finds out you've been checking her receipts or her e-mails or mobile 'phone records, you'll significantly damage how she feels about you.
If you have worries and doubts and simply need to get them off your chest, go and see a councellor. They're great for just unburdening all your stuff onto, without any risk of comeback.
You are in a tricky situation here - if she is up to something you need to know about it, but if she isn't then you could destroy your relationship with your groundless suspicions.
All I can suggest is that you try and let it go for now, and work hard on yourself to get back to trusting her. It'll take time; but in time you will either rebuild your trust, or more evidence will appear that justifies your initial suspicions. But don't go looking for it.
Good luck, I hope things work out.
I think some of us are guilty of this, especially when we've been lied to in the past or betrayed. There have been issues in your relationship that lead you to feel this way. It's not like you just make it up and your relationship is perfect. Her recent behavior has made you uncomfortable and it's made you doubt her. Does that mean she is doing something? No. Could it be possible? Maybe. But it's not just you, she has contributed to the delinquency in the relationship as well. I definitely feel though that you need to let the cheating thing go. For awhile at least, because unless you have some concrete evidence, to obsess over it, is unhealthy to you and to your re-establishing a good relationship. If she is doing anything, you will find out. Trust me, when I found out about my fiance's affair, I wasn't looking for it, it just fell in my lap.
Thanks for your comments. I still have lingering doubts in my mind about some things that just cannot be easily explained. One being the massage oil on the floor. I just cannot figure it out. But I will say that I have never looked that closely for it on the floor near that corner of the bed. Maybe what I found is not massage oil? I didnt taste it. It could have fallen on the floor a while back and I forgot about it (I dont know how fast oil would evaporate), or it could have been moved out of the bathroom during cleaning and fell over, or my daughter and her cousin could have moved it when they were doing their nails in our bathroom. Maybe even our babysitter and her boyfriend had some fun while house-sitting while we were away (that would have been many months ago - but???).
I have been reading about jealousy and trust. I feel embarassed to say it, but I guess we can say anything here... I believe I have diagnosed myself with Delusional Jealousy. You can google it if you are interested, but basically it appears that due to my underlying fears about the relationship plus a few stupid lies on Karen's part I have become obsessed with the idea that she is cheating. I have taken every little item that seems "out of place" and worked it into a scenario. I have done things that I am ashamed of - checked her emails, phone calls, clothing drawers, under the bed, clothes hampers, etc...
Last night I was reviewing our credit card bill and saw a charge for a gas station in Weehawkin. Immediately I started thinking "what would Karen need to be doing in Weehawkin. That must be where her cheater friend lives" . I get all worked up, heart pounding, nervous, etc.. finally I ask her and she tells me that she was low on gas when she was going into the city. She called her boss and he told her to get off the highway right before the tunnel and that there would be a Hess station there.
Perfectly legitimate reason. But prior to that answer I figured I had her nailed!
So, I am trying to keep a lid on my runaway thoughts. It's just so hard because they feel so right and intense. I feel like I must be right. But then later I feel like I was wrong. And in the meantime, I am destroying any chances of reviving my relationship.
I have been reading about jealousy and trust. I feel embarassed to say it, but I guess we can say anything here... I believe I have diagnosed myself with Delusional Jealousy. You can google it if you are interested, but basically it appears that due to my underlying fears about the relationship plus a few stupid lies on Karen's part I have become obsessed with the idea that she is cheating. I have taken every little item that seems "out of place" and worked it into a scenario. I have done things that I am ashamed of - checked her emails, phone calls, clothing drawers, under the bed, clothes hampers, etc...
Last night I was reviewing our credit card bill and saw a charge for a gas station in Weehawkin. Immediately I started thinking "what would Karen need to be doing in Weehawkin. That must be where her cheater friend lives" . I get all worked up, heart pounding, nervous, etc.. finally I ask her and she tells me that she was low on gas when she was going into the city. She called her boss and he told her to get off the highway right before the tunnel and that there would be a Hess station there.
Perfectly legitimate reason. But prior to that answer I figured I had her nailed!
So, I am trying to keep a lid on my runaway thoughts. It's just so hard because they feel so right and intense. I feel like I must be right. But then later I feel like I was wrong. And in the meantime, I am destroying any chances of reviving my relationship.
Usually someone that is guilty of adultery has signs, for example nervousness, but what if she did nothing wrong and you are becoming obsessed with infidelity? I have to agree with mami, you have to listen to that six sense when it tell you that sometihng is wrong and everything that is in secret will eventually come to light...this one is tricky.
Usually I feel like our gut instincts are dead on. If the suspicions are there than it usually means something is happening. I doubt she will admit it because people normally don't admit to it unless there is solid proof or they can't live with their guilty conscience. I have a feeling though your wife will never admit to something if it did happen. All I can say is if she is doing something, it will eventually come out. Don't constantly accuse her because all that would do is make her hide things more carefully. Let her believe that you aren't suspecting her but keep your eyes wide open and one day she will slip up. Did you ever see that movie unfaithful? Well for some reason that reminds me of your situation. Bored housewife decides to have an affair. I don't think you can work on your relationship when you don't trust your wife because it will always eat away at you. Perhaps you can sit in on a therapy session and work things out through the therapist. Anyway, these are just my thoughts, I could be dead wrong though.
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