AGREE OR DISAGREE

[lor662]

Well i do believe i have are husbands affairs firgured out finally,,,men cheat cause most of them are unhappy,,either sexually or emotionally,,,unless they just have a sexual problem,,generally speaking,,as are relationships get longer and children and finances come along,,the stress and relationship takes a turn to one or the other,,one strays because there spouse is pre-occupied,,bills pile up the only time you spend together is going to the grocery store,,or arguing about something because frustrations pile up,,and neglecting each other is the daily routine,,one of you by chance has been noticed,,and some-one other than your spouse finds you attractive,,payes attention to you and flatters you,,they like the attention,,ego boost right there,,your in your own little world now,,,sneaking out lies etc etc,,the mistress is always up to par because they dont have nothing better to do,,but doll up and give there best performance in bed cause oviously they no if the cheaters marriage was all that they would not be engageing in an affair,,,nice isnt it,,,well not really,,because i do believe men can still love there wife,,they just lose themselves caught up in the thrill,,till the **** hits the fan as it always does,,why?cause the misstress expects to much they really believe these men will leave there wives,,but 99 percent dont,,its the thrill new sex new ego boost ,,etc etc,,the only people that make the second choice is there wives,,if we stay or go,,but buy the time the **** hits the fan,,they have hurt and ruined alot of lives ,including there childrens,,,,this is my stay,,if you feel this way dont have an affair,,its selfish,,dont hurt the people you are suppose to claim you care ,,if you need this boost,,take a seperation and stand up as a humane,,,affairs are never mistakes they are choices,,like the choices we have to seperate befor an affair goes on,,you should have enough self respect for the people around you to make that choice,,life is not all about you,,its also about the people around you,,who stand by your side,,,and for every one who has been a victum,,i no how you feel

[lovemykids465]

We did most of the work on our own. I went to a minister and got some council for me and then my husband went on his own a few times. We went together a few also but about once a month. But we did a lot of work on our own with Relationship rescue and the Love dare books. We also make a point to get up 45 min earlier every morning to have coffee together. We pray together before we go our separate ways for the day, and then read together at least 3 to 4 days a week. IT really helps us stay connected.

[mami1323]

I'm almost 2 years from when I discovered my fiance's affair. I have gotten to a better place now. We had a rough time recently but worked through it. I think its always something that will be in the back of your mind. Trust is sacred and hard to get back. My fiancé does work really hard at trying to show me he wants his family. Sometimes I still wonder if I will ever fully be myself with him again. I have moments where I'm crazy in love with him and then other times I'm still so guarded. I think its only natural given that we have given them our hearts only to have them break them. I wanted him to hurt all the time and so I would become very verbally abusive when we would fight. I just couldn't get over the pain he caused me. I had to try really hard not to constantly throw the affair in his face. We went to marriage counseling and about a year into it we stopped. She wasn't a very good therapist. She helped us with some things but not with getting down to the affair and why he did it. So when we hit a rough patch recently my fiancé offered going to someone else. We've been going and this guy is so much better. I would definitely recommend counseling when dealing with infidelity. Its very hard to get past it without outside guidance.

[GroovyDeeDee]

What a great answer!  Once again, You've nailed it on the head!  
We haven't had an argument for a whole week now, but when we do, it's because I feel the need to drive in a point about some ridiculous tiny detail . . .  I sometimes feel like I want him to hurt the way I did. That's not going to help with anything!  
Did you go to marriage counseling, or just work it out on your own?  

[lovemykids465]

11 months and 7 days for me! I totally understand where you are and what you are saying.  It is like a double edge sword. The joy and intimacy of working on your relationship is what you wanted all along and it is great that you are now there, but the pain of how you got there is overbearing at times. I guess it is kinda like child birth. It hurts like hell and you feel like you are going to die, and I do not care what anyone says you never really forget it, but it is a distant memory. I hurt for quite awhile after giving birth but the child and love I have for them is well worth it. Now having a baby in most cases is something we really wanted and asked for. Our husbands having an affair is not but what you are experiences now is what you both probably wanted all along. I can honestly say Joe, is still being there for me. Even greater then  before. I was afraid it would die out. You know just doing it now because he is trying to win me back but once he felt comfortable he would slack off, but he hasn't. Actually there are some days I am thinking Ok I need some space, LOL.  I still have some days where it hurts, but not nearly as much as it did. Whatever you do, if you truly plan on working it out and sticking together do not keep throwing it up in his face. I did it in the beginning and I almost drove him away. He said he could not live with knowing what he did and that I had to keep reminding him of what a failure as a husband he was.  I never considered his feelings, I mean they did not consider ours at the moment, they say they did but.....,  But afterward I know Joe really was sorry and broken over what he had done.  I had to begin to focus on me and what I wanted out of our relationship and what I was willing to give and  give up for our marriage. I had to give up  proving I was right and he was wrong. I had t choose between being right or  being happy. I know I was right and my feelings were justified but I had to stop kicking him when he was down.

You will have good days and bad days. We are here for you.

[GroovyDeeDee]

How far out are you from your SO's affair.  I found out about Brice's just one month ago today.  I have gone from the most painful state of being imaginable to near perfect joy as we work through this together in therapy and on our own.  But I still have occasional panic attacks and waves of anger.  

Right now, he is being almost overwhelmingly sweet and supportive.  How long will that last?  

I really appreciate boh of you, and everyone on this forum.  It's the first place I found hope.  

[lovemykids465]

That pretty much sums it up. I believe we have the harder choice in the situation but in my situation so far staying has been worth it. Good to see you are doing well Lor.

[mami1323]

Very true.  I don't think they think about the consequences and that's why they are able to do it.  They don't realize how much the person they are doing it to will hurt.  It's unfair and cruel but in some ways its a wake up call.  A realization that relationships are hard work.  It takes two people to keep that spark alive and I had to understand that.  All I do now is shower my fiance with love and I get it in return.  It feels nice to be back here again.  Its a long process recovering from an affair but it can be done.