For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.
A little background: I have been with my boyfriend for eleven years, since i was nineteen. We now have two children together and a rather rocking history. About five years into our relationship, he started being different. It's like he realized he needed a social life without me in it. I was a very naive person, never thinking he would ever cheat on me, etc. I completely ignored/misdiagonsed all the signs. He was getting phone calls that he wouldnt answer in front of me, he started walking away from me when he picked up a call, there were cash withdrawals that seem a little suspicious now that i think about it. Everything added up, so I started to watch what he was doing. Now i know i should have asked him straight out- but he would deny it anyway. When he started working for his cousin, his behavior really changed. He started gambling as well. One day, I looked in his car and found a tupperware box with girls phone numbers in it. He started carrying condoms with him. we had a horrible confrontation- with him denying everything. Thats what frustrates me the most. He wont admit to anything. His expanation to the phone numbers was" Someone else at work does it too." Like that solved eveything.
Months later, I called a girl he was talking to and found that he had taken her to dinner. She told me they had not been intimite, that she was not interested in him that way. The final straw came when he didnt come home from work one night; telling me he was in jail for being drunk. Kind of funny because he told his mother a different story. This would be the part where i leave him, but i was truly unstable financially and by this time, we had our first child. I couldnt do it. I guess everything just kind of got buried- and now its back haunting me.
Fast forward to today- he is helping a friend open up a restaurant. By now, we have had our second child; and i feel that everything was going ok. He's been going to the restaurant a lot, helping to get the place set up, but i started getting suspicious when he I realized he was calling this coworker at all hours- midnight, one in the morning. We live about an hour away from the restaurant, and I noticed he would call her and be talking to her the whole time he was driving home. I don't say anything; I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, as she was helping him with the menus, etc. So he comes home one night and there was this text to the coworker that to me, was out of line for someone who is just a coworker. So I blow up about it. I tell him this is it; i cant live with this anymore. He proceeds to tell me nothing is going on; that it is just words. But how can it be just words? And how can he be so disrespectful of my feelings to even say such things to her? And where are those words leading? He doesn't get it. We have a huge fight- to where i throw him out of the house. The next day, I looked at our phone records and realized that he was talking to this coworker the whole time he was out of the house, which was about three hours. This is at one in the morning. So they were talking until about three in the morning. I call this girl and she tells me nothing is going on, she is not attracted to him like that, she wouldnt date someone she works with etc. I didnt talk to my boyfriend for a couple of days, then i tell him i will be moving out next month, and he freaks out. He starts talking to me and reassuring me that there is nothing going on, etc etc. So we end up reconciling. And I am trying very hard to make this work, especially for our kids. But everything just blew up on me- our past, things he has lied to me about, things he has done to me. And to top all of that, he's still calling this coworker every night. So I tell him I need space, we need to separate. I can tell this time he is different- he doesnt argue back. I dont know- he just seemed sincere when he said he wanted us to work things out. He tells me he will do anything. So i tell him i don't want him calling her anymore; that i won't accept them being friends at all. When he's running late at the restaurant, he always asks me if i wanted to talk to his boss. And it looks like he is sincere in wanting us to move forward as a family. He knows that our relationship needs work and it does seem like he is working on it. But now I don't know if this will be enough. I feel like it might be too late. I have been trying, but I can't shake my feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger. It comes and goes with me. I don't trust him anymore; just the other day i looked at our phone bill and got all worked up because I had saw that he had called her. It was a one minute call to which he had to prove to me was accidental. And I didn't believe him either, until I saw with my own eyes that even though he has her number deleted from his address book, she was still on his speedial and he had to figure out how to get to his speed dial listing to delete it. Believe it or not- this is true. He deleted my number from his address book and was still able to call me because I was programmed into his speed dial. So how do I get past this? I can't forget- and I don't know if I will be able to forgive either. He never admited to anything- the past or this incident. And I am willing to believe that nothing happened with this coworker, but the fact that he got personal with her, just telling her personal things about himself and us, really hurts me. To me, someone else out there knows our secrets, and I can't seem to forget this and move on. Does this mean I give up now? I don't want this kind of relationship- where I am constantly checking up on him. I do want this to work out, but how do I cope with all this? How do I forgive and move on? How do I learn to trust him again?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoe's ( co worker situation too and even freaking out on him and then finding out he was being honest) my husband did admit to having an emotional affair. I know that was hard for him to own up to and he to is doing whatever it takes to work things out. It will take time for you to sort all of this out. Biggest help for me was seeing a counselor first alone and then together. You are going to have your ups and downs. You can check out my journals and posts if you would like they may help you ( just to know you are not alone). There are many of us here who have gone through this and have decided to try to work it out and some who have had to walk away from the relationship. You have to do what is best for you and your children but the support here is amazing.
I am one of those people that lovemykids speaks of. My fiance had a 2 year affair about 2 1/2 years ago. Recovering from an affair is the hardest thing I ever had to do. We went through huge ups and downs to almost separating and still I have trust issues. The only thing now is I try my hardest to give him the benefit of the doubt until there is proof to the contrary. I try to take my suspicions and put them up on a shelf. It's definitely not easy, it takes both people working hard at rebuilding. Your boyfriend has a lot of work to do and he's going to get frustrated having to prove himself all the time to you. You will probably experience a lot going forward and it isn't easy to get through. Good luck.
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