I am 29 and my wife is 30. We had our first m/c in 2009 and we were devastated. We finally were blessed with another one this year. We went in for our first u/s we were 10 wks and 4 days the u/s tech informed us that the baby stopped growing two wks ago. A little backround on myself I am a Iraqi war vet and I've seen and done things that I dont wish upon anyone. But nothing can prepare me for losing two babys back to back. We are absolutely devastated and I am trying to be strong for my wife, me as a father I'm trying to deal with it the best I can but I cant imagine what my wife is feeling inside since she is the one carrying our baby. I havent cried in 20 yrs until these last two because of this. I need advice on how I can help my wife more than what I am doing now, I want to take her pain away and I want to bear it on me. Should we keep trying should we stop for awhile. We are not very religous ppl by any means but i would do anything not to ever have to go through this again. And my hearts go out to the men and women who have posted on this site and are currently dealing with this.
Hey there, I think it is a beautiful thing that you want to help your wife so badly. Believe it or not you are doing one of the best things already, alot of men hide away their feeling when their partners miscarry and that isn't helpful to women they feel alone, and fortunately your wife doesn't have to feel that way so well done to you. As far as wanting to help her more, all you can really do is listen when she speaks hug when she cries and maybe talk to her about it. Even though your wife is the one that carried the babies I think very often that men are forgotten in the experience forgetting that it was their baby too! You are doing everything fine so far, your wife will most likely be the best person to ask about whether she wants to keep trying or stop for a bit, I know from experience that being told I have to wait and maybe wont get to try again after my miscarriage was devastating, so she will know best if you still have the strength to try again. If you guys experience another miscarriage (heaven forbid) they will probably be able to do some tests to find out why. I really hope you and your wife will be ok and that you will get the baby you both deserve so much. good luck, all the best to you and I hope this helped a bit :) x
Oh wow, I got tears in my eyes reading this. What a wonderful husband you are. In all honesty, just keep doing what you are doing. Let her get it out, cry, grieve and baby her a bit. I can tell you from personal experience, that just having a man in her life that is so sensitive to her needs and so supportive means everything. I am so sorry the two of you have been through so much, and I wish you peace and healing.
It is great that you are sensitive to her needs. Keep doing what you're doing. This is what's running thru my head and may be in hers.
- Guilt. Even tho we know its not our fault we take upon ourselves bcuz we're the ones losing our babies. There must be something with us. And we feel guilt for you. You did your job getting us pregnant but we failed at ours giving you your child. We want a child so bad for us but we want one for you too and if we can't give you one we're afraid you'll leave us for someone who can. Which leads to.....
- self doubt/inadequacy. Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I stay pregnant? What's wrong with me? As much as we want a baby we're afraid to try again. We don't want to fail again. If I lose another one will my husband still love me?
These are the big two for me. Anger, frustration, depression, denial get mixed in there too. On the outside we my push you away, snipe at you,just be ugly but inside its guilt & self doubt & we want & need your love, patience & understanding.
As for when to try again only your wife can determine that. She'll know physically, mentally, emotionally when she's ready to try again. You don't want to push her but she needs reassurance from YOU that you want to keep trying.
Grieve. Heal. Love. Don't lose faith. You may not be religious but know that God does have the perfect baby for you. A perfect baby that only your wife can be its mother & you their father.
Hi! I just wanted to let you know that this has JUST happened to us. I lost our second baby, due to a miscarriage, yesterday (July 2011). The first one we lost in February of 2009. It is devastating, I know. Being the wife, I would just say be supportive and LISTEN to her, no matter how many times she repeats the same things or cries. You seem to be a very caring husband and I am sure it will all work out for you!
As for trying again....we are asking ourselves the same thing...should we or shouldn't we.....I guess that only time will tell...............
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