Need to vent

[Christina2011]

I just need to vent. My husband and I suffered our first miscarriage on April 11th at 11w2d (although we didn't know it until 15w2d). This would have been our third child as we already have 2 healthy boys. This pregnancy was an unexpected surprise since we were "done" having children and not trying (we use the withdrawal method). However, I feel as though the m/c was an unexpected relief for my husband. As the shock of having another baby turned into excitement for me, I know that it didn't for my husband. He doesn't want anymore children so obviously he doesn't want to "try" for another baby. But I don't feel as though I can even begin to fill this huge hole in my heart without another baby. Not that another baby can or will ever replace the one we lost, but I feel like it will help a little. I was content and thankful with our 2 boys, but this pregnancy changed everything. A piece of me died along with our baby in the ultrasound room that afternoon. And now I cannot get this intense longing and desire for another baby to leave me. I feel like my husband and I are doomed. Either way one of us "loses" and is miserable. He would be miserable with another baby and I'm miserable without one. My husband and I have not ever talked about the miscarriage. He is a very closed person and is great at burying his feelings and showing no emotion. I, on the other hand, wear my heart on my sleeve and have felt extremely alone throughout this whole process. I just wish that he could feel what I feel...the sadness, the despair, the emptiness, the disappointment, the anger, the longing and desire for another one, etc....I also wish he understood how reminders of our loss are everywhere to me. We had already bought things for the baby and made arrangements. We moved to a new house 3 days after the D&C so even our new house is a reminder of what was, but will never be. I just can't help from thinking this Mother's Day weekend about how I should be in my 19th week and already know the gender of our baby. This should have been the best Mother's Day yet as I prepared the baby's room in pink or blue and celebrated with my 2 beautiful little boys. My husband tells me to focus on the kids we do have, but just as I don't want to hear that from a stranger I certainly do not want to hear it from my husband. It makes "my" loss no less painful.

I don't know where to go from here. I just needed to vent because I feel like I had been given one more chance to have a baby (and possibly a little girl this time around) only to have it taken away from me. And I can't help but resent my husband for being the one person who can give me another and won't.

Anyone else in, or have been in, my position?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

-Christina

[Christina2011]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss as well.  It's such a horrible thing to go through.  I have several friends who have had at least one miscarriage in their lives, but it was something that I never thought I would ever have to go through.  I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier to move on if this were our first pregnancy (not to say that miscarriage is ever an easy thing to go through for anyone).  But I feel like if this had been our first pregnancy then we would automatically try again.  However, since we already have 2 healthy children, I feel like I'm being even more robbed.  As if the chances of me ever having another one are slim to none.  But unlike your other half, my husband isn't doing anything to prevent another "surprise" from happening.  We have continued to use the withdrawal method (which failed and resulted in the pregnancy we lost) and has not once wanted to talk about another, more accurate, form of birth control.  

Since our fight, we haven't spoken about it anymore.  He just continues on with our days as if everything is fine.  I'm trying, but it's much more difficult for me.  However, I do agree with you in that I also assume my husband should know how I feel and should know how to console me.  I'm all over the map with my emotions so I know he must be so confused on how to help me.  

I hope that your husband and you are able to come to some sort of agreement on having more children and that you both find the inner peace you deserve.  Everyone grieves in their own way and time heals (at least partially) all wounds.  Thanks for listening and giving me advice.  It's nice to not feel so alone in this.  

[JenLex2]

Christina-

I am so sorry for your loss :*(.  I can relate as well.  My other half did not want anymore children (we have a 23month old daughter) and i really wanted a sibling for her.  I hadn't gotten my period in 6 weeks so I took a hpt, sure enough positive.  I was so excited beyond words.  He was not- the rest of th night was down hill.  After our first ultrasound we saw the baby at 9 weeks 3 days.  His outlook began to change- it was becoming reality as he watched the baby "swim" around.  I carried the baby to 14 weeks 4 days.  As we went in for routine check up they could not find a heartbeat- U/S confirmed the baby had passed away at 10 weeks 3 days.  For the last month my baby was gone.  I cannot even put into words the pain emotionally, mentally, and physically having a m/c.  Too, my other half mourned but seemed to just get over it- he never talked about it but listened as i did every day- he then would change the subject or move on to something else.  I know that he was burrying his feelings as he always does.  I continued to feel so alone and the pain of losing this child, the dream, the life we "would have had" just hurt so badly.  I understand that each person is different and male/female are different in general but i just felt like he had no idea the pain that i was feeling- or even cared to try and understand what all of this has done to me- it's really changed my life FOREVER.  

Now as it's been 3 months since we lost our little one, my other half insists we use condoms and protect ourselves.  We have never used any contraceptives the entire 8 years we have been together, it took us this long to have our daughter.  I am lost as well.  I am not sure that he's doing this because maybe he does have a lot of pain and he can't stand to think it could happen again so he doesnt want to try or if he just doesn't want anymore children and is relieved for the way things happend and now wants to ensure no more babies come?  WHO KNOWS!!! He's complicated and even if i bring it up i know he says things just to make me feel better or tell me what I want to hear- he never wants to hurt me.  I just wish i understood his views and him mine.  I guess it'll take time.  I am in school now so I'd like to "plan" our next pregnancy and that gives us 2 months before trying again.  I don't want to even think he won't be up for it- I dont' know how i'd handle that either.  
As for counting- i still count every week as to how far I'd have been now.  27 weeks 2 days.  I am scared for when the "due date" comes i already know if we aren't pregnant by then i'll be a wreck. I see reminders EVERYWHERE as we were going to move as well- I can feel your pain :*( .  I have 5 friends right now that are all having babies within weeks of when we were due.  It's hard to watch them grow and glow and prepare as I sit with no baby belly NOTHING.  I am hopeful for the future and whatever it brings and I love my daughter to the moon and back I just feel the emptiness and wanted so badly for her to have a sibling close in age.  It's not up to me, I have no control, the only things i can control is my emotions and that's a daily battle.  It's hard wanting something so badly that ou cannot achieve on your own and the resentment is horrible-  Please- do whatever you can to find your inner peace.  I'm not a religious type of person but through this m/c the lonliness and pain i felt could have killed me.  I'd pray, scream, beg for some relief and it would come.  take a deep breath, let it all out (cry scream hit a pillow) let it out and take one minute at a time if you have to.  
I would say sit down with your hubby- and try and leave the resentment and agner out of this as well as you can- and spill it all out to him.  Describe to him the pain, the lonliness EVERYTHING and tell him where you stand, how you feel- communication is key and he should know how you feel and be your rock to support those feelings and comfort you.  Sometimes i'm guilty of just assuming my other half SHOULD know how i feel and SHOULD act in a way to console me but he's not a mind reader.  
Keep me posted as to how you are doing and how htings work out.  I am here if you need to vent ever again :) keep your chin up sweet lady life is crazy and sometimes not at all what we wanted or exptect but some how it works itself out- find that peace I am here if you ever need.  XXXXX