Will I ever feel human again???

[BP0629]

Hi ladies. I know i've been MIA, but quite a bit has happened and my head is still spinning. For all of those who know me, and the newbies let me get you caught up to speed. I had my 1st MC on August 30 2008 at 7 wks & 1 day. AF didn't show back up until 10-11-08. It lasted until 10-20-08. I continued to spot until 11-2-08. Oddly enough in the mess of my 1st cycle something seemed off and I took a test and it was very much positive. The dr got me in immediately and started testing my HCG. I was said to be 5wks and 1 day at my 1st ultrasound. It showed a gestational sac but no yolk. My hcg doubled & almost tripled. At my next ultrasound the following week there was nothing left. I had anticipated this because of all the bleeding. The dr did bloodwork again to make sure the level was declining. Being this was my 2nd MC I was over it. I didn't call the dr back the next day because common sense said it was gone since the ultrasound showed everything was gone & the bleeding had almost stopped. Much to my surprise on Thursday afternoon the dr called and requested I get to their office for bloodwork immediately because my hcg level and almost DOUBLED again!!!! I was in shock. I knew I wasn't still pregnant, but what sick and twisted joke this was...Well...again my level went up but didn't double. They performed another ultrasound and I was still very much pregnant. A little over 6-6 1/2wks and it was tubal. They gave me a methotrexate shot Friday and I spent most of the weekend vomiting. I went for a follow up Tuesday and was told the worst part of the pain should be subsiding by this weekend and the nausea should lessen. I've spent this whole week torn apart. I promised myself I wouldn't end up in the depressive state I was in last time, but its like this drug has brought me down. By getting so sick with it, its given me time to 'think' about both losses and factor the if, & buts, could've, should've would've behind it and now I feel pretty shi**y!!! The dr took me off work all week due to how bad I took to the medicine and now instead of having a MC & TTC in January we have to wait atleast 1 more month to make it safe with the methotrexate. It seems like no matter what I read, who I talk to, how much I cry (today is the first time i've cried through this 2nd loss) all I can come up with is WHY?!?!?!? I honestly hate this and feel so angry with myself/my body its crazy. I've already decided along with my husband that IF we try a third time and something goes wrong, I will not try again. The fear of this being replayed a third time just rips me apart on whether we should even try again or if hubby should just go get snipped so we don't risk it again......i'm sorry, this has just been so freaking hard and it hurts so bad mentally, emotinally, and even physically this time. I just don't get it....I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork and pray that this shot did the trick so I don't have to have surgery. And I have to sit in a room full a pregnant women (and girls) and wonder why they get blessed while I have my heart jerked out 2 times in a row. And I get to take part in another pointless empty ultrasound. I just wish I knew what i've done to deserve this...I'm just heartbroke and emotionally drained.

[steph9803]

I can not imagine what you have been through in these past weeks...I found out yesterday that someone who also m/c the same week as me in Aug. is having another m/c right now...My heart breaks for you. My sister goes to the same office as me and she asked me to go to her u/s with her and I am still not ready to go in there again.
Nobody deserves to ever go through this let alone twice. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers though! We're all here for you.

[BP0629]

LATEST UPDATE...

Honestly...will this **** ever end????  Happy Friday ya'll!!! Well...I went on the 18th to another appointment where I sat in the waiting room crying while waiting for my turn to be stuck like a pin cushion only to find out that i'm still pregnant, but not really pregnant. How frustrating is this seriously!!!!  Being my HCG level doubled/tripled so fast they are/were thinking the methotrexate didn't take. I've still had alot of crampy (no bleeding, except spotting when they go probing around) and still vomitting alot (sorry TMI). Its been crazy!!! I called today to cancel a 1 on 1 appt with the dr. this morning & they gave me a hard time. I told them that I will come in for my lab appointment next week to get my levels checked again, but I honestly couldn't bare to sit in that office one more day this week. The nurse did re-assure me that my levels have declined and "we will get there, and you'll make it through this." I just want it to be over!!! In August I MCd naturally and my levels dropped to almost 0 in 2-4 days!!! I have the injection 2 weeks ago and am still testing positive!!!! My levels are only in the 600's now so they've come quite a way, but still. How long does a woman have to know she's not pregnant but have her body feel like it is. I did go back to work this morning...only to be welcomed back by 2 of my pregnant co-workers who want to do nothing but talk baby talk! The one is a close friend and doesn't say a whole lot unless i bring it up. The other is a ding bat who keeps asking me 20 questions about pregnancy and whats normal and blah blah blah....BITE ME!!! Thats what I wanted to tell her today. But I just smiled and did my time.

Ahhh....now that thats off my chest how are the rest of you ladies? I see there are a few new BFPs!!! Thats great news for you gals & I really am happy for you. I'm just in a bad place today...we all get there I know. I think I'm most bitter that i'm going to the dr next week to get my levels checked to make sure my HCG is @ 0 when I should be going in to find out the sex of my MC I had in August. It hurts and I can't help it. Now I have a 30th b-day, no ultrasound to look forward to, and a terminated tubal pregnancy trying to end all in a matter of 2-3 months...what did I do to deserve this????

[ArmyPrincess819]

I'm so very sorry that you had to go through that. You are in my thoughts. I can't evne imagine how hard it must have been. I'm here for you if you need to talk. Best wishes to you and a quick recovery. Don't lose hope hang in there.

[7preg3b]

I have been there.  I had a missed m/c at 12 weeks, with no sypmtoms, and followed by an ectopic.  I do believe all the pain is worth it when you hold you little baby in your arms. I went on to deliver a healthy boy last september and then got pregnant unexpectedly with another.  I delivered Baby Cooper at 18 weeks and although I am still grieving my sons death I want to try again.  I know the joy of motherhood.  and its all worth it..  I will pray everything will be okay/  I do believe faith is my answer..    

[Sazy26]

You sweet soul, I can see that you are trying so hard to get through this. Remember to be kind to yourself during this tough time, I know you are probably angry with your body, but you just need to take the time to allow yourself to feel sad and miserable and go through the motions. I know meds can make things more difficult too. I lost twin my first twin a week and a half ago & 4 days later lost the ultrasound confirmed second twin hb stopped. I was devastated and after talking to my drs had d&c scheduled for following day. During the d&c l I ended up having an allergic reaction to the general anaesthetic and went into shock and had to stay in hospital over night. I had tremors, vomiting and couldn't walk or sit without fainting. When I was finally able to walk, I realised they had put me in the anti-natal ward and was surrounded with mums and their newborn crying babies. It was like my worst nightmare. I got out of the hospital and crumbled. I went shopping yesterday to try and cheer myself up (good ole retail therapy) and clothes didn't f it properly and I realised my body had changed shape (put on weight quickly at start of pg with twiins) and that I needed to lose the weight. Then there were pregnant women everywhere and even a father holding his tiny newborn in the shop. I burst into tears and wondered how I would ever get through it. One of my best friends is having a little boy in 2x weeks... it does just seem to pile on top. My partner woke me this morning and said he was giving me a personal goal of being nice to myself and doing whatever I felt like. If I feel like eating chocolate for breakfast, do it, if I feel like crying and watching a movie, do it. Be nice to yourself girl, you deserve it. I know that the pain will heal in time ox

[mikaleen]

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through.  I understand how you feel about not trying again after a third if it were to happen again.  I feel the same way and it's an argument between dh and myself.  It's so easy to become even more depressed when you not only have emotional pain but terrible physical pain also.  It's a constant reminder of what went wrong.  I hope that you feel better physically soon so more of your energy can be directed at your emotional and spiritual healing.  This last m/c I was almost given the methotrexate shot b/c the Dr thought it was tubal at 6 weeks.  It wasn't but I ended up taking misoprostol to make my body expel a non-viable pregnancy 5 weeks later at 11 weeks.  I was lucky enough to not suffer vomiting but the cramping and back pains were unbearable, just like labor.  I know everyone is different but I wasn't even able to begin dealing with the emotional issues until after all the bleeding and pain finally stopped a week ago.  I wish you a very quick physical recovery and lots of support for your emotional well-being also.

[bam1014]

I think that is a wonderful suggestion and have often applied it to myself.  No matter when I am down, it always eases the pain to try to help someone else.  Then when I see all the sad ladies and I go look for a positive quote, I end up finding so many to lift my spirits.  There has been such a flurry of great quotes, songs, poems and stories flooding our little forum all  the ladies doing what they can to provide comfort to those in their most sorrowful times.  It brings tears to my eyes.

[steph9803]

I know what you mean about the test. I found out I was 6w4d pregnant on July 18...only to m/c on August 7th...Then the pathology report came back to tell me my baby had died at only 5 weeks...I was devestated when I found out that my baby was already dead when I found out I was pregnant...I had lots of questions for God. But now that I am out of the gloom and doom I thank him for helping me through it!

[BP0629]

that is oh so true. sometimes i think that i make myself feel a little better if i can relate to someone and maybe make things make a little more sense to them...thanks for your previous post. i am a religious person and have questioned what gods intentions were for me. my big thing this time is why did he let me take a test to see that i infact was pregnant if he were not going to let me carry it to term...i strugled with this question for a week and a half. then, much to my surprise i didn't have a 2nd MC but was going through a tubal pregnancy. Had I not taken the test when I did, it could've been fatal to me. i know he's looking out for me, i just wish he'd tell me his logic sometimes.

[mapes10]

Just a thought for those who are struggling.  Try to find a post for someone who needs help and help them.  You might be amazed how much you help yourself.  I know it has helped me on some of my really low days.  Keep going, and keep posting.

[BP0629]

Well, I went to my funfilled appt this morning and sat in a room ful of pregnant ladies rubbing their pretty little bellies (and cursing them under my breath). I had my blood draw, then got violated by the ultrasound tech (they really should by us dinner or atleast drinks before these appointments I think). Then I got to meet with the dr who now calls me 'champ' and apologises to me for the last 3 months of this ****. Now we get to play the hurry up and wait game until the office calls later this afternoon, or Monday morning with my lab results to let me know if my level is finally going down. If it isn't then we have to go the surgical route. He said based on the ultrasounds I should be ok, but to anticipate more of this pain and nausea. I did start spotting again this morning right before I left but I figured that had something to due with my 5am wakeup call with killer cramps which led to more stomach problems by 7am. Its nuts and I hate this. I walked out of the office in tears and didn't care what anyone sitting there thought of me at that moment. They aren't in my shoes and until they've felt this they can bite my butt! I did set there today and wonder out of the 7 women sitting there what their personal stories were. Was the teenager sitting alone a one night stand who's going to struggle to make ends meet but would give her left arm to have a baby love her as she's never been loved? Was the couple who obviously in there late 30's early 40s finally being blessed with their miracle baby they've tried for for years? Of course you can tell the glowing couples that are there to hear their first heartbeat or see the first picture of their little one. My disgust for those women lessened as I sat there. It struck me that as much as I was hurting to see them, that maybe they've been down my road before and its just their turn for their little gift from above.....i'll keep you all posted and thanks for all the support. i really am in need of it right now. thanks so much!!!

[mapes10]

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles.  It doesn't make it better, but we have all been exactly where you are.  The two things that helped me the most were two of my high school teachers and now DEAR friends of mine.  One called me a week after to share her story: she had a miscarriage years ago (I think she said 30), and she went into a deep depression.  She was hurt and angry, and she just flat out said that nothing helped.  She said no matter how sad she got she never got over losing that baby.  One day her husband said that if she wanted a baby she would have to let go of the other one.  When he said it she was upset, but he kindly reminded her that you could not receive the last blessing if you were still grabbing for the previous one.  Another teacher had four miscarriages and one healthy daughter at 42.  She has been a complete inspiration to me, and she is a daily blessing in my life.  I shared a story with her about my own experience, and she said she had the exact same one.  I was standing in the shower about 2 weeks afterwards wondering why this happened and how God was going to bring me through, and i had the overwhelming feeling of God saying that someone someday would need to hear my experience.  I don't know how religious you are, but that touched my spirit.  About 2 weeks later, a student of mine confided in me that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage.  Although she said she knew it was best, she still loved and missed that baby.  At that moment God opened my eyes and said "I told you."  She had no idea what happened to me, and I shared my story with her.  That's also what I think when we're talking here.  God brings women from all over the world together because where two gather in His name, there He will be.  Sorry for the long post, and please keep in touch!!!

[CacyMichelle]

I love that quote, so very true!

[kgokgo]

I`m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a big hug right now coz four weeks ago I was in exactly the same situation as you, I lost my second baby in as many months.Four weeks ago a friend of mine sent this thought "When God takes away something from your grasp, he`s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive more of his blessings". I was so angry with God at that time I even cursed my friend for sending that to me but now 4 weeks later, I find comfort from reading it. I hope that a few weeks from now you will also find comfort from reading this thought.

[Latrice414]

I am so sorry for your loss
A m/c is a very difficult time, i think it is one of the worst things a woman could go threw. My parents taught us about a lot of things in life and what to watch out for, for i sadly cried to them and asked them why you never told me about m/c's for i was blinded and new nothing much about it.  There are no words that will make you feel better or take the pain away. Take the time to greive, for only you no how long that may be.  I had a m/c in june, and i still find my self greiving sometimes.  Take time to heal emotionaly and physcially.  I will keep you in my prayers, no that there is a group of women here if you need support,to vent, to ask questions etc.

[prettyprincess827]

               Thank you for the kind words! I appreciate all the advice and the kind words you said about my family issues! I wish you the best of luck in what you go through! Keep in touch please!

[prettyprincess827]

         I hope you feel better! I know nothing I say will make the pain you feel  inside you are feeling right now better! All babies are little miracles. You will get what your heart wants a beautiful healthy baby girl or boy! You will  always remember  this is but you it will get easier to deal with it. I hope you start feeling better !

[CacyMichelle]

You did nothing to deserve this, just like those high school girls and worthless people did nothing to deserve the babies they are being blessed with. My principal had 3 miscarriages, two before conceiving her first little boy, one more, then having a healthy little girl. When I went through my miscarriage she told me that when we get to heaven we are going to get to see all of our pretty little babies. Babies that will never have to worry about food being on the table, babies that will never have to worry about being teased, or having any struggles. God doesn't make mistakes, and he will comfort you in this time, along with all of the other ladies on here that hearts bleed for you. We all ask ourselves, why did this happen to us? I pray one day we will finally know that answer. Never give up hope, I believe that you will be a wonderful mother and in the end get to reunite with your precious babies. God bless!!!

[Dani711]

I wish we could all be in a room with you, just to let you really know how sorry we are and feel friends around you.  It isn't fair, that is what I have come up with!  Then to know you have to go to the drs and see all those preg women hurts SO bad.  I had to go to an actual abortion clinic when i found out my baby would keep growing, but would NEVER live! How unfair!!  I do know however that being sick from the meds makes it all worse, it is bad enough you have to go through everything, and then to be sick on top of it just makes it all worse.  Your hormones are still going crazy on top of it all!!
It is up to you if you try again.  I know I personally wasn't too sure if I could handle it again, but I realized that I can go into the next one fully expecting something to go wrong, and be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  It is all I can do anymore.  Ultimitely you will know if you can handle it again or not.  I do wish you the best and please just take it one hour at a time, and let you and DH get throught this together.

[bam1014]

That really does just S***K that you've had to go through all of this. My heart just bleeds for you and the pain you must be in.  I know that there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better.  It's perfectly understandable to be so scared of ttc again.  There is nothing that you did wrong, these things just happen (which is a crappy way of putting it).
I'm sure that your emotions are just so raw.  There is nothing wrong with crying or being angry, it's natures way of letting you heal.
The best you can do is take one day at a time a be thankful for the blessing that you do have.  I'm so sorry for your losses, I am sending you a big HUG right now!

[steph9803]

Oh honey, I am so very sorry...I can't imagine the pain that you are in right now. I was thinking about you the other day. I had no idea all of this was going on...I wish I had the words to say to help you feel better. Just know that we are all here for you and that you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers...