taking off my band aid smile to vent

[uk2]

Hi All

Its been a struggle this holiday with kids still another 2 weeks to go and i am fading fast i cant keep this band aid smile on any more i have to let it slip and vent in the only place i know to and then plaster it back on and face the world.

i pushed myself to go out this morn as the kids make me feel so bad when i dont and i want them to go out with there friends do normal things last week was not too bad but i ended up in bed from thursday night till this morn and i still felt awfull but i had promised them the cinema with our friends so i went big mistake i was in tears by the time i got home i had a huge spasm in my neck on the way home which is not good as i drive an adapted ford focus due to leg weakness so i drive with my left and use a lever with my right attached to the brake and accelarator so you cant take either hand off the lever or wheel or your be in trouble i felt like i was being stabbed in the side of my neck and it was so strong it pulled my head down slightly.

some days i want to scream and want to be normal its a struggle to face each latly and for so long i have pretnded i am alright when inside i am not i'm pulled between what my head wants to do and what my body cant do i have arranged to go on a short break in a few days time and it is so far seemed a good idea at the time but now with these spasm i dont think i can.

i sometimes wonder will i ever get used to this up then down then up then down the frustration of not knowing when i can do something not knowing what i have and the pressure of being a single mum with no family help at all due to having none that live close and my parents have died anyway. its 3 yrs nearly surely you would think i'd be used to it by now but it just gets me down the laying in bed days the constant pain and all that with a nice side order of guilt for not being the mother i want to be.

i know i am being selfish thinking this way i know there are others far worse off then me i guess i just need to sound off abit.

i am not doing well on the baclofen it is helping the spasm but its causing stomach pain and i am sure in part it is making me feel down has any one else experience this on balcofen?

i have my appointment with the neuromuscular consultant but i just cant get geared up to doing my timeline again,gosh i sound like a grumpy old woman today lol

thanks for listening.

sm x

[uk2]

I have had a break today thanks to one of my friends thank god and mentally feel better but physically i am no better but i will still go on holiday for the 4 day break as my kids will be upset if i dont go.

take care,if you ever want to talk pm me as i know how hard it is to be on your own in a relationship.

sam x

[michelleric]

((((Sam)))),

I am so sorry you are feeling bad...I know all too well, the feeling of your head knowing what you can/cant do, and your heart telling you the exact opposite. Being a single mom must be so difficult, I can only imagine. (although I am married, but at times feels as if I am a single mom too).

It is very frustrating to not be able to do all the things with your kids that you want to do. I am in the same position at the moment, and I have been doing way too much. My vision is starting to get better, I have tried to take it easier the last 2 days.

But here I am today, they want to go to the pool. It is again hot, and I am going, but in my heart I am praying for thunderstorms to let me stay home. I do it to myself. We are our own worst enemies, I think.

If I was someone else, I could tell them exactly what to do or not do. Take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I do not follow my own advice, but I do know school is starting soon, and things "should" calm down.

I am thinking of you today.

Michelle

[uk2]

Hi All

Thanks for your comments. One of the only 2 friends that understand how hard this is has offered to take the kids for a day,thank god and i get to rest!!!!!!!!!!!

maggie

the trip was with my me and the kids going to see friends in cornwall (i used to live there not seen them in 6 yrs) a 7-8 hr drive but i cant drive that far so my husband(separated) is going to drive us as he has family down there too. I wish he would have them for the week but he has limited holiday and his job is in danger at the moment so he does not want to push it, he does alot for us anyway and is around as much as he can but i do wish he would take them out at weekends he does sometimes but mostly he comes round here i chill upstairs but the kids are in and out every sec but i do need a break i am tempted to let him go on his own but there not his friends there mine and if i dont go the kids and my friends will be so gutted. I'll see how today pans out.

thanks all. x

[LLWB]

Was your going away trip to be by yourself? If so, maybe you will feel up to going in a few days. As you know you need to take care of yourself.

Please don't take this the wrong way! I know you love your kids! But, is there any way their Dad could take them for a week or so, to give you some rest? Then you would be more able to cope with them. I think most mothers at some time or other has wished to run away from home, and just take care of themselves. Mothering has to be the most rewarding, and least thanked job there is. Please hang in there, school will start soon.

Maggie

[Wobbly]

I don't know how you do it.  My children are grown and on their own, I don't think I would be able to do what you have been doing....

Bravo for doing so much, but now you have to take care of yourself too...or it will take it's toll on you and effect everything else...

please take it easier, I can understand feeling horrible that you can't do what the kids want, but reality is reality... and isn't fun...

take care
wobbly
dx

[kmil1999]

  Try not being so hard on yourself.  You are doing more than you should be able to do.  We as women guilt ourselves a lot reguarding our kids.  Try to stop when you go down that path and think you are your friend not yourself.  What would you tell that person in your postition.  .

I am sure you are harder on yourself than you would be on a friend or enemy for that fact.

All my best, and hugs across the ocean!
Karen  

[Eyesnlegs]

Oh sweetie, throw a few things (cushions and soft toys are good) and sit down with a tub of icecream. Get the kids to join in with both it will do you all good.

You've been here before you know you will make it and that you will come here again. Just lean of the forum and your friends hun and you will make it through.

Loads of cyber mum hugs coming your way ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

P.S. Ben and Jerrys is good

[wadeheather]

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. Kids can definately make it harder, knowing what you want to do with/for them and what your body tells you you can't. Especially if they are not old enough to really understand.

Take a deep breath.  Do something you enjoy that doesn't tax your body. Eat your favorite foods! School starts soon. You'll make it!