Aa
Is this OCD/HOCD again?
Or am I kidding myself?
Hi everyone, I haven't been on here for over a year. The first time I was here was because of hocd thoughts. I'm glad to say that they "went" away for that long. I know that I have anxiety and even ocd. Before hocd thoughts, I use to obsess over having cancer or some sort of diseases. But ever since last year the ocd died down by a lot. I was busy with college, and even had a thing (just flirting) going with a guy friend of mine. Also during that time, the thoughts of being a lesbian would come up, but I would just dismiss them because it didn't bother me, even though the it didn't end well with the guy, I still didn't let the thoughts bother me. Instead I worked on improving my health. I knew at that time that I wasn't one. But now, these thoughts are back and it's driving me crazy.
It sounds silly but all of this started a month ago when I was looking at a yearly horoscope for fun. It said that in the year 2014 my sign (Virgo) would discover its sexuality. And that got me thinking again. Thoughts like " you're a lesbian" "stop denying it" "you'll accept it in the future" keeps coming in my head. And every time I respond with shouting a lot of "no's " in my head. I spend hours sitting in my room scared that I'm a lesbian and having thoughts about it most of the time. The thoughts die down for a while but come back again with a lot of pressure, that it feels real. It scares me, and sometimes I'm even on the verge of tears because of that. Now I get thoughts telling me that it'll happen in the future. For example, "what if you never have a boyfriend because you're gay" "in a few years you'll accept this" and so many more similar to that. I just spend the time thinking that something is wrong with me.
I wish these thoughts would just go away, and I can just lead a simple life. The hocd went away for a day or so, and everything felt normal again, But today as I was listening to music, I scrolled through a certain artists name which brought back a memory from when I was 13-14. I remember watching a music video and suddenly there was this girl who appeared and she looked like a guy, short hair and all, but I could still tell she was a female. My reaction to that was "wow, she's pretty and looks hot" but that's I, didn't feel anything. I didn't think much of it, to me she was the first tomboy that actually rocked the look. And now this thought has been bothering me for over two hours! I'm getting thoughts saying that I felt something when I saw her, or that should have been my first sign. I can't think straight because of that at the moment. It's so annoying. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I just get a lot of "what if" thoughts, or thoughts similar to saying " stop denying it" and I just want them all to stop. Deep deep down, I still know that I'm not gay. But I'm scared to say to myself because what if my brain says something else to it? what if that changes in the future" "what if I'm just kidding myself and I'm really gay?" I don't want to be one. Then to that, I get counter thoughts such as, "are you sure?" "you're wrong" and it scares me even more. It just won't stop. And I'm scared of that. I know I had thoughts like that in 2012, but the thoughts went away, but now i'm worried that this might be real, and I don't want it to be. It's like it goes away for a while and everything seems fine, but then it comes back even stronger.
Also ever since this started again, I haven't been feeling all to good about myself. I've been on winter break, and have spent it all by myself and family. The friends I had are all at different colleges, and I have barely texted anyone. Before the hocd started I spent days being in a depressed state. At first I thought maybe the thoughts came back because of that, but my brain always think the opposite to everything.
Hi everyone, I haven't been on here for over a year. The first time I was here was because of hocd thoughts. I'm glad to say that they "went" away for that long. I know that I have anxiety and even ocd. Before hocd thoughts, I use to obsess over having cancer or some sort of diseases. But ever since last year the ocd died down by a lot. I was busy with college, and even had a thing (just flirting) going with a guy friend of mine. Also during that time, the thoughts of being a lesbian would come up, but I would just dismiss them because it didn't bother me, even though the it didn't end well with the guy, I still didn't let the thoughts bother me. Instead I worked on improving my health. I knew at that time that I wasn't one. But now, these thoughts are back and it's driving me crazy.
It sounds silly but all of this started a month ago when I was looking at a yearly horoscope for fun. It said that in the year 2014 my sign (Virgo) would discover its sexuality. And that got me thinking again. Thoughts like " you're a lesbian" "stop denying it" "you'll accept it in the future" keeps coming in my head. And every time I respond with shouting a lot of "no's " in my head. I spend hours sitting in my room scared that I'm a lesbian and having thoughts about it most of the time. The thoughts die down for a while but come back again with a lot of pressure, that it feels real. It scares me, and sometimes I'm even on the verge of tears because of that. Now I get thoughts telling me that it'll happen in the future. For example, "what if you never have a boyfriend because you're gay" "in a few years you'll accept this" and so many more similar to that. I just spend the time thinking that something is wrong with me.
I wish these thoughts would just go away, and I can just lead a simple life. The hocd went away for a day or so, and everything felt normal again, But today as I was listening to music, I scrolled through a certain artists name which brought back a memory from when I was 13-14. I remember watching a music video and suddenly there was this girl who appeared and she looked like a guy, short hair and all, but I could still tell she was a female. My reaction to that was "wow, she's pretty and looks hot" but that's I, didn't feel anything. I didn't think much of it, to me she was the first tomboy that actually rocked the look. And now this thought has been bothering me for over two hours! I'm getting thoughts saying that I felt something when I saw her, or that should have been my first sign. I can't think straight because of that at the moment. It's so annoying. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I just get a lot of "what if" thoughts, or thoughts similar to saying " stop denying it" and I just want them all to stop. Deep deep down, I still know that I'm not gay. But I'm scared to say to myself because what if my brain says something else to it? what if that changes in the future" "what if I'm just kidding myself and I'm really gay?" I don't want to be one. Then to that, I get counter thoughts such as, "are you sure?" "you're wrong" and it scares me even more. It just won't stop. And I'm scared of that. I know I had thoughts like that in 2012, but the thoughts went away, but now i'm worried that this might be real, and I don't want it to be. It's like it goes away for a while and everything seems fine, but then it comes back even stronger.
Also ever since this started again, I haven't been feeling all to good about myself. I've been on winter break, and have spent it all by myself and family. The friends I had are all at different colleges, and I have barely texted anyone. Before the hocd started I spent days being in a depressed state. At first I thought maybe the thoughts came back because of that, but my brain always think the opposite to everything.
not if you don't work at it. Or perhaps it will, morphed into some other concern. Your OCD monster will go away and just change masks and come back to torment you in a different form.
I did read the articles and learned about the checking process and doubting. A few of those I have read a while ago. I went to therapy a year and a half ago, I remember the therapists teaching me techniques to cope with but I don't seem to remember them all to well. I do remember her telling me to "live in the moment". I try to do that but it only works for so long.
For the past few days my hocd/OCD has gone down but it spikes up afterwards. This morning I woke feeling nothing regarding to the hocd thoughts and ignored them. I was glad that they weren't bothering me anymore and weren't true. But later on in the day the thoughts started creeping back up and suddenly it spiked with my past "memories". And to make it worse I remembered reading an article comparing hocd and gay people and their thoughts. Then I got thoughts saying that my past memories connect with the gay man's past and that drove me nuts. Like he said that he used to stop and watch tv with shirtless men on it and from then on he knob he was different. And another thought clicked in my head saying that "remember that one time you did that" etc. it spiked it even more. But the reason for me doing that is because I grew up in a family where covering up the body is a must so when I saw a women with a bikini on tv I was really surprised and shocked to see someone do that. I was around 9 at that time. But as I grew older it didn't matter to me anymore. Like I had more exposure to it through tv and being at that beach that I don't care. Like I find that thought silly now because I myself wear bikinis at the beach and whatever. But I tried telling this to my hocd part but it kept saying the opposite. As I wrote this, I know I'm not gay but there's still those thoughts in the back of my head saying otherwise. I try to ignore them but it gets hard. I'm scared that one day I might turn gay or what if i am one and realize it soon? I don't want to be one. These thoughts are scaring me and I wish they would stop.
For the past few days my hocd/OCD has gone down but it spikes up afterwards. This morning I woke feeling nothing regarding to the hocd thoughts and ignored them. I was glad that they weren't bothering me anymore and weren't true. But later on in the day the thoughts started creeping back up and suddenly it spiked with my past "memories". And to make it worse I remembered reading an article comparing hocd and gay people and their thoughts. Then I got thoughts saying that my past memories connect with the gay man's past and that drove me nuts. Like he said that he used to stop and watch tv with shirtless men on it and from then on he knob he was different. And another thought clicked in my head saying that "remember that one time you did that" etc. it spiked it even more. But the reason for me doing that is because I grew up in a family where covering up the body is a must so when I saw a women with a bikini on tv I was really surprised and shocked to see someone do that. I was around 9 at that time. But as I grew older it didn't matter to me anymore. Like I had more exposure to it through tv and being at that beach that I don't care. Like I find that thought silly now because I myself wear bikinis at the beach and whatever. But I tried telling this to my hocd part but it kept saying the opposite. As I wrote this, I know I'm not gay but there's still those thoughts in the back of my head saying otherwise. I try to ignore them but it gets hard. I'm scared that one day I might turn gay or what if i am one and realize it soon? I don't want to be one. These thoughts are scaring me and I wish they would stop.
1) Did you read the articles? 2) What did you learn? 3) If you went for therapy for each of these former intrusive thoughts, why were you not taught techniques to learn to live with any types of OCD, or are you just not choosing to use them?
All OCD is the same. It just wears different masks. There is no "normal". We manage symptoms just like anyone with a chronic condition such as asthma or diabetes manages their symptoms.
All OCD is the same. It just wears different masks. There is no "normal". We manage symptoms just like anyone with a chronic condition such as asthma or diabetes manages their symptoms.
Thank you for your comment. What you said about it being satisfied and turning into something is very true. Before hocd, I had OCD thoughts about a stalker, although at that time I went to therapy and my therapists helped me with overcoming it and it never bothered me again. And before that I was an obsessed hypochondriac. And again my therapist helped me through that. Before that I had religious OCD where I didn't want to be part of a certain religion because it was too controlling and fake (in my opinion). The therapist helped me with all of these. And now with hocd, I know there's a main point like there was with the rest of three. I always wanted to live a family, a husband, and kids. Not be so uptight about everything and go out and have fun, because I could never have that. And still do. But I've noticed that with all the OCD thoughts tried to destroy it for me. For example with religious OCD, I dont like men that think women are below them, I want a guy that will look at me as his equal and will love me with all his heart. But I had thoughts saying that I will like my religion no matter what or I will like it and live with it. Glad that's over with. After that with hypochondriac thoughts I had a similar worry that I'm never going to live to see a day older than a certain age or I'm going to get a disease so bad that no guy will ever look at me and I'll be alone stuck in a boring life. With the stalker guy, it was again the same thing. I had thoughts like if I do t like him now I'll eventually like him and etc. thank goodness all of these are gone. But now hocd is destroying that for me. A few days ago it went away only to have come back again and put me in a depressive state. And it's the same again, i get thoughts like "being with a women will be better" or " a woman can give you what a man can and better" or "you'll turn gay sooner or later" everyday I feel like these thoughts are getting worse and worse. I want them to stop and go back to being normal. At some times I'm fighting with them strongly but at other times not so strongly because I'm just tired of all the thoughts. It's making me doubt everything and it makes me go in a depressed stage. Just a while ago, I was telling myself that no I'm not gay because I've known that I've been straight all of my life. I've been obsessed with guys forever and never gave girls a second thought. And suddenly all the hocd thoughts went away. I felt happy that they went away but it kind of scared me because it was so sudden,I got thoughts such as "is it playing a trick on me again?" "It's not going to comeback right?" And then the worse happened and it did comeback, I was happy for only a short while before the thoughts comeback and I'm in the same cycle again. I wish the thoughts would just stop. Like now I'm beginning to doubt everything and just want it to stop. I'm scared these thoughts will never go away and will only get strong and ill never get to live as how I want to for once.
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=55%3Athe-boy-who-didnt-know-who-he-was-teen-obsessions-about-homosexuality&catid=0%3A&Itemid=64
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=136:how-to-defeat-ocd-by-surrendering&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=65:how-do-i-know-im-not-gay-homosexuality-obsessions&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=131:how-do-i-know-im-not-really-gay-part-2&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php
http://maniacfire.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/dealing-with-homosexual-anxiety-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-hocd/
http://www.anxiety-ocd.info/2008/11/sexual-obsessions-am-i-gay/
http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorblind/201201/sexual-orientation-obsessions-in-ocd
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201203/assessment-and-treatment-sexual-orientation-themed-ocd
http://jezebel.com/5671032/homosexuality-ocd-an-obsession-with-orientation
http://ocdintensive.com/2011/10/17/fear-of-being-gaylesbian/
http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/
Read each of these, and them please come back and tell me what you have learned.
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=55%3Athe-boy-who-didnt-know-who-he-was-teen-obsessions-about-homosexuality&catid=0%3A&Itemid=64
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=136:how-to-defeat-ocd-by-surrendering&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=65:how-do-i-know-im-not-gay-homosexuality-obsessions&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=131:how-do-i-know-im-not-really-gay-part-2&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64
http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php
http://maniacfire.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/dealing-with-homosexual-anxiety-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-hocd/
http://www.anxiety-ocd.info/2008/11/sexual-obsessions-am-i-gay/
http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorblind/201201/sexual-orientation-obsessions-in-ocd
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201203/assessment-and-treatment-sexual-orientation-themed-ocd
http://jezebel.com/5671032/homosexuality-ocd-an-obsession-with-orientation
http://ocdintensive.com/2011/10/17/fear-of-being-gaylesbian/
http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/
Read each of these, and them please come back and tell me what you have learned.
Untreated OCD generally becomes worse and does not go away. Have you had therapy for this? chances are great that it might morph into something else once you have got this one satisfied.
You just wrote four"what-if" statements in a row. That is classic OCD...take my word for it. Adopt the WHATEVER attitude. Who we are attracted to does not change. I can't make myself look at a girl and feel attracted to her no matter what my brain is telling me. I wasn't born gay and girls don't turn me on. My brain could be saying 50 times a day "you like girls" but that isn't going to change reality. I need to say "whatever" and then my brain will stop that crap because I am not giving it significance anymore.
Thank you for the advice. I always try and do that whenever it goes down and at those moments I know I'm not gay. But it spikes up again and drives me insane and thinking of saying "okay" seems scary. Like I get thoughts in my head such as "what if I realize I'm gay when I say okay?" what if I've been in denial about it all this?" , "what if this isn't OCD/hocd?" "what if this never goes away and I do accept it?" Etc. And moreover, whenever I read something on how to ignore it, my brain, the OCD part, twists the words and that scares me even more.
it can go away. Instead of trying to fight the thought...when your brain says "your are gay" say "Okay." Because the reality is your body knows which way you are and there is no changing that. Just because you say "Okay" to being gay doesn't make you gay. It isn't you throwing in the towel and becoming gay. It is you saying "I am sick and tired of this battle and therefore you win brain and whatever I am moving on." Make "Whatever" your mantra to your brain.
Thank you for replying! It went away before I was busy with college, maybe because I was busy with other stuff and I knew I wasn't. Over the past few days it go away again but with the annoyance of being in the back of brain. I try really hard to ignore it and it works but not until last night when I saw the word straight and my brain replied with "I'm not" and that spiked it all up again but it went down again after I clarified everything. The thing is I'm so use saying and fighting back the hocd in my brain saying "I'm not gay" that it replaced it with straight. Even this morning when I woke up I immediately got thoughts of testing myself. Like I thought of what happened last night and a thought came saying "I'm not straight" and when I started panicking and saying that I am my brain reassured me by saying "I'm not gay". I'm just really scared with what if I am am gay? I know I don't want to be. But what if I wake up one morning like this and I'm okay with it? That thought really scares me.
After the whole fiasco early morning I thought to myself thinking this is another way hocd is messing with my head and it calmed me down. But then I started wondering if it really was hocd, what if it's not?
Now whenever I try to say "I'm not gay" or "I don't want to be gay" to any gay thought in my head, I pause before saying gay, because I get another thought asking me "are you sure you don't want to say straight?"' and I say no to that but it's starting to scare me. Just when the hocd goes down there is always something spiking it back up. I don't want to be gay, it's really scaring me now. I can't understand why it can't go away like before. Please help.
After the whole fiasco early morning I thought to myself thinking this is another way hocd is messing with my head and it calmed me down. But then I started wondering if it really was hocd, what if it's not?
Now whenever I try to say "I'm not gay" or "I don't want to be gay" to any gay thought in my head, I pause before saying gay, because I get another thought asking me "are you sure you don't want to say straight?"' and I say no to that but it's starting to scare me. Just when the hocd goes down there is always something spiking it back up. I don't want to be gay, it's really scaring me now. I can't understand why it can't go away like before. Please help.
Thank you for replying! It went away before I was busy with college, maybe because I was busy with other stuff and I knew I wasn't. Over the past few days it go away again but with the annoyance of being in the back of brain. I try really hard to ignore it and it works but not until last night when I saw the word straight and my brain replied with "I'm not" and that spiked it all up again but it went down again after I clarified everything. The thing is I'm so use saying and fighting back the hocd in my brain saying "I'm not gay" that it replaced it with straight. Even this morning when I woke up I immediately got thoughts of testing myself. Like I thought of what happened last night and a thought came saying "I'm not straight" and when I started panicking and saying that I am my brain reassured me by saying "I'm not gay". I'm just really scared with what if I am am gay? I know I don't want to be. But what if I wake up one morning like this and I'm okay with it? That thought really scares me.
After the whole fiasco early morning I thought to myself thinking this is another way hocd is messing with my head and it calmed me down. But then I started wondering if it really was hocd, what if it's not?
Now whenever I try to say "I'm not gay" or "I don't want to be gay" to any gay thought in my head, I pause before saying gay, because I get another thought asking me "are you sure you don't want to say straight?"' and I say no to that but it's starting to scare me. Just when the hocd goes down there is always something spiking it back up. I don't want to be gay, it's really scaring me now. I can't understand why it can't go away like before. Please help.
After the whole fiasco early morning I thought to myself thinking this is another way hocd is messing with my head and it calmed me down. But then I started wondering if it really was hocd, what if it's not?
Now whenever I try to say "I'm not gay" or "I don't want to be gay" to any gay thought in my head, I pause before saying gay, because I get another thought asking me "are you sure you don't want to say straight?"' and I say no to that but it's starting to scare me. Just when the hocd goes down there is always something spiking it back up. I don't want to be gay, it's really scaring me now. I can't understand why it can't go away like before. Please help.
An idle mind is NOT an OCD person's best friend. What you have to realize is that this thought went away and if it can go away once then it can go away again. You need to fall back on past positive experiences. Think back....did it go away because you were busy with college? And did it come back when you were bored and your friends were not around?
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