Aa
OCD question
Hi I'm 20 years old female
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
I watched porn right before going to sleep and j had dream that j have watched porn in my dreams. After a while I found lesbian porn boring and after that I found porn boric all together so i stopped cold turkey. But then is started having lesbian dreams I think I had 3/4 lesbian dreams after I stopped watching porn they made em feel really uncomfortable when I woke up. When having sex with my boyfriend my imagination just got more weird n weird my boyfriend started talking about having a 3 sum n i imagined it n I climaxed:( then after that i tried imagining a lesbian scene in my head but it felt wrong so I stopped n imagined something else.
After I got home from my boyfriends house I went back to bed and watched my favourite drama. There was thing guy questioning his sexuality and out of nowhere the thought "am I gay popped up" and it scared me to death !! I felt fainty I couldn't sit still I started shaking Walking around but u I couldn't get the thought out of my head I completely shut down. I was thinking I have always loved boys never thought of a girl in a sexual way I was always jelulous of other girls,
I was literally boy crazy loved having sex with males loved my boyfriend I always imagined myself getting married, but then I started thinking wait I watch lesbian porn I had a few dreams a couple of days a go I found my climax when having sex with my boyfriend OMG I even imagined a lesbian scene !! I think am gay !!
I lost the track of who I was I loved my sexuality it made me me !
I never liked girls not once in my life have I questioned my sexuality not once I was so confident in my sexuality even lesbian porn didn't make me question it. Because I found it repulsive afterwards I didn't wanna do anything with a girl !! Why is my mind telling me other wise... The same day j started having gay dreams I was anxious and panicky I stopped going to college I'm 20 by the way. I told my mum that I'm cared that I might be gay, she said that in a grown woman and sexuality doesn't change jut like that I chose who I'm attracted to at a young age, so I was okay for a bit but the doubts wouldn't leave my mind. When my mum wasn't home j would scream with and cry. I wen to see my boyfriend and I felt nothing I didn't even look at guys anymore, I felt blank then j started noticing girls I got freaked out :( then I realised that this feels exactly the same as my last obsessions I completely forgot about what I was obsessing before after this struck me. So I started googling and I found out that what I have might be hocd I felt good for about 3 weeks my sex drive was back my boyfriend turned me on more than anything I didn't have to use my imagination to climax. I fleet great I felt like myself again, but then I spiked over some one saying that they've been into boys all the their life and all of a sudden they stated noticing the same sex and they preferred having sex with the same sex and that made them bi sexual. I freaked out I just freaked out so much I thought okay I can't be gay becuase I love guys but what if I'm bi sexual?? This freaked me out even more I don't wanna be turned on by a woman it makes me so anxious :( I lost my sex drive completely I stopped enjoying sex with my bf I didn't even feel like having sex I was depressed more than ever my compulsions were getting no really bad I kept checking if I was aroused if I like his company. I looked at guys and tried forcing myself to delete attraction but I didn't feel anything even if a guy was super hot that put me deeper in depression. One day I thought if I can't get aroused by my parter than that means you will get turned on by a girl and I started to cry so much. I just thought about my past and how my life was all about guys having sex with guys I never had a sexual or romantic fantasy of female but my Brain keeps telling me that I will be turned on by a famele and that makes me so upset and anxious :( it's horrible I don't wanna be bi sexual I know 100% sure I'm not a lesbian but what if I'm bi sexual ? I honest to God don't wanna be but my Brain keeps telling me I like them sexually but I don't I swear to God j don't but now I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm scared that I will lose control and sleep with a woman which I really don't want it to happen it makes me feel really anxious and not natural , it's just a horrible feelings. whenever I think about it it feels like I'm in a foreign country surrounded by people that I don't know and it feels so uncomfortable and depressing. It's just not who i am:( but my brain keeps telling me otherwise and I get confused. Deep down I know I'm straight or am I ? I know I want to be straight the way I was before I never found girl sexually attractive but then why lesbian porn turned me on ? I know that lesbian porn doesn't turn me on anymore or looking at girls I never get turned on.
But what if I don't get turned on because of my sex drive ? I'm so scared I want to be straight again I'm 29 years old and I always felt straight never questioned my sexuality and Thai feels like hell in earth. I have no possituve feelings about being with the same sex but what if I do and I just don't know it yet until I try but I don't wanna try ! When I'm calm I feel straight I know that I'm straight but then I look back and think wasn't that a sigh of u being bi ? I hate this !!
My compulsions gotten really bad I don't touch things that are purple, when I see a lesbian couple I don't look at them or touch the things that have been touched by them. I pray every night and if I don't pray the way my mind is telling me too I feel like gods gonna make me bi.
Not long ago a lesbian girl sat infort of me and touched my shoes I felt like they were on fire I had to through them away
j keep googling and asking for reassurance I keep checking if I'm aroused enough when I'm with my boyfriend. I keep checking if he was a girl would like it more, I just check check and check 24/7 j can't stop until j prove myself that I'm straight :(
I feel deep into depression my anxiety won't let me sleep or eat.
I keep thinking I must be in denial since my sex drive is gone.
I keep checking if I would I be aroused by a girl then check if I'm aroused by a man
Did just discover something about myself that's why I'm so scared ??
I spike when I read hocd stories of girls saying that they have hocd but they were straight never questioned their sexuality but once hocd hit them they've realised they are bi n are sexually attracted to women and masturbate over them
I'm scared that that's gonna happen to me or if that's me and in secretly attracted to women
I know 100% sure that I wa straight before hocd
I just read so many stories about girls going through hocd and finding out that they're really bi.
Really scares me I honestly don't wanna be with a woman or have a bi sexual side.
I remember showering with my friends taking baths with my friends even getting changed infrint of each other n not once in my intire life have I felt sexually aroused not once.
I'm just really scared that I might be bi in denial, but wouldn't I know if I was bi before hocd ?? Or in my childhood
When I went through puberty I never once thought of a girl it was always about guys even when j discovered porn which was pretty early maybe 14/15 I was always drawn to Males I would talk dirty with guys over text and I was aroused more than ever. How can I be bi !:((( I'm so terrified
Everyone's hocd story sounds different to mine
Why did I have those dreams was my Brain trying to look for something new to obsess about ?
I know I'm straight but I'm scared that I'm not because the porn n that j couldn't climax..
Please tell me what you think I'm really desperate if I'm really bi that would destroy my life and my identity I have nothing against gay people
After I got home from my boyfriends house I went back to bed and watched my favourite drama. There was thing guy questioning his sexuality and out of nowhere the thought "am I gay popped up" and it scared me to death !! I felt fainty I couldn't sit still I started shaking Walking around but u I couldn't get the thought out of my head I completely shut down. I was thinking I have always loved boys never thought of a girl in a sexual way I was always jelulous of other girls,
I was literally boy crazy loved having sex with males loved my boyfriend I always imagined myself getting married, but then I started thinking wait I watch lesbian porn I had a few dreams a couple of days a go I found my climax when having sex with my boyfriend OMG I even imagined a lesbian scene !! I think am gay !!
I lost the track of who I was I loved my sexuality it made me me !
I never liked girls not once in my life have I questioned my sexuality not once I was so confident in my sexuality even lesbian porn didn't make me question it. Because I found it repulsive afterwards I didn't wanna do anything with a girl !! Why is my mind telling me other wise... The same day j started having gay dreams I was anxious and panicky I stopped going to college I'm 20 by the way. I told my mum that I'm cared that I might be gay, she said that in a grown woman and sexuality doesn't change jut like that I chose who I'm attracted to at a young age, so I was okay for a bit but the doubts wouldn't leave my mind. When my mum wasn't home j would scream with and cry. I wen to see my boyfriend and I felt nothing I didn't even look at guys anymore, I felt blank then j started noticing girls I got freaked out :( then I realised that this feels exactly the same as my last obsessions I completely forgot about what I was obsessing before after this struck me. So I started googling and I found out that what I have might be hocd I felt good for about 3 weeks my sex drive was back my boyfriend turned me on more than anything I didn't have to use my imagination to climax. I fleet great I felt like myself again, but then I spiked over some one saying that they've been into boys all the their life and all of a sudden they stated noticing the same sex and they preferred having sex with the same sex and that made them bi sexual. I freaked out I just freaked out so much I thought okay I can't be gay becuase I love guys but what if I'm bi sexual?? This freaked me out even more I don't wanna be turned on by a woman it makes me so anxious :( I lost my sex drive completely I stopped enjoying sex with my bf I didn't even feel like having sex I was depressed more than ever my compulsions were getting no really bad I kept checking if I was aroused if I like his company. I looked at guys and tried forcing myself to delete attraction but I didn't feel anything even if a guy was super hot that put me deeper in depression. One day I thought if I can't get aroused by my parter than that means you will get turned on by a girl and I started to cry so much. I just thought about my past and how my life was all about guys having sex with guys I never had a sexual or romantic fantasy of female but my Brain keeps telling me that I will be turned on by a famele and that makes me so upset and anxious :( it's horrible I don't wanna be bi sexual I know 100% sure I'm not a lesbian but what if I'm bi sexual ? I honest to God don't wanna be but my Brain keeps telling me I like them sexually but I don't I swear to God j don't but now I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm scared that I will lose control and sleep with a woman which I really don't want it to happen it makes me feel really anxious and not natural , it's just a horrible feelings. whenever I think about it it feels like I'm in a foreign country surrounded by people that I don't know and it feels so uncomfortable and depressing. It's just not who i am:( but my brain keeps telling me otherwise and I get confused. Deep down I know I'm straight or am I ? I know I want to be straight the way I was before I never found girl sexually attractive but then why lesbian porn turned me on ? I know that lesbian porn doesn't turn me on anymore or looking at girls I never get turned on.
But what if I don't get turned on because of my sex drive ? I'm so scared I want to be straight again I'm 29 years old and I always felt straight never questioned my sexuality and Thai feels like hell in earth. I have no possituve feelings about being with the same sex but what if I do and I just don't know it yet until I try but I don't wanna try ! When I'm calm I feel straight I know that I'm straight but then I look back and think wasn't that a sigh of u being bi ? I hate this !!
My compulsions gotten really bad I don't touch things that are purple, when I see a lesbian couple I don't look at them or touch the things that have been touched by them. I pray every night and if I don't pray the way my mind is telling me too I feel like gods gonna make me bi.
Not long ago a lesbian girl sat infort of me and touched my shoes I felt like they were on fire I had to through them away
j keep googling and asking for reassurance I keep checking if I'm aroused enough when I'm with my boyfriend. I keep checking if he was a girl would like it more, I just check check and check 24/7 j can't stop until j prove myself that I'm straight :(
I feel deep into depression my anxiety won't let me sleep or eat.
I keep thinking I must be in denial since my sex drive is gone.
I keep checking if I would I be aroused by a girl then check if I'm aroused by a man
Did just discover something about myself that's why I'm so scared ??
I spike when I read hocd stories of girls saying that they have hocd but they were straight never questioned their sexuality but once hocd hit them they've realised they are bi n are sexually attracted to women and masturbate over them
I'm scared that that's gonna happen to me or if that's me and in secretly attracted to women
I know 100% sure that I wa straight before hocd
I just read so many stories about girls going through hocd and finding out that they're really bi.
Really scares me I honestly don't wanna be with a woman or have a bi sexual side.
I remember showering with my friends taking baths with my friends even getting changed infrint of each other n not once in my intire life have I felt sexually aroused not once.
I'm just really scared that I might be bi in denial, but wouldn't I know if I was bi before hocd ?? Or in my childhood
When I went through puberty I never once thought of a girl it was always about guys even when j discovered porn which was pretty early maybe 14/15 I was always drawn to Males I would talk dirty with guys over text and I was aroused more than ever. How can I be bi !:((( I'm so terrified
Everyone's hocd story sounds different to mine
Why did I have those dreams was my Brain trying to look for something new to obsess about ?
I know I'm straight but I'm scared that I'm not because the porn n that j couldn't climax..
Please tell me what you think I'm really desperate if I'm really bi that would destroy my life and my identity I have nothing against gay people
I have been diagnosed with hocd but a psychologist but I never told her about the dreams and porn feels like I was lying to her
I also started doubting my love for my boyfriend when I know I'm straight it switched to rocd n then I wish I had hocd again n again n again n again it's driving me crazy !!!
When I don't have these thoughts in my head I feel like my old straight self, but then the thoughts get triggered
When I obsess about my sexuality n think I'm bi I feel like I'm stuck in a hole but once I prove myself I'm straight I feel so happy I feel like I'm on the top of the world it feels like it's a beautiful feeling
I feel like I lost my identity I feel horrible j feel depressed I stopped eating I lost 8 kgs my life is a living hell. I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore I feel so so upset I miss my old life I don't like this at all if isn't me it just can't be
This obsession is worse than anything. In this world it's like my worse fear coming true. I swear to god I would I rather be dead than be attracted to Women I hate nothing towards gay people I wish them nothing but happiness but j think if I'm truly are bi gay I will commit suicide I swear to God
My biggest fear is being turned on by a girl it's really scares me i keep testing myself if I would like it n once I get the right response I feel calm. I swear to god j don't want to be turned on by girls it's just so weird and not me
My biggest fear is being turned on by a girl it's really scares me i keep testing myself if I would like it n once I get the right response I feel calm. I swear to god j don't want to be turned on by girls it's just so weird and not me
But what if I'm just realising something about myself this is living hell. Ever since hocd I stopped having wet dreams about guys it's like there's a mental block for that won't slow me to enjoy sex with males. I know I loved it ever since I hit puberty. But my mind keeps telling me I'll like it more with girls it's terrifies me I'm so scared I hate this I hate it so much. I actually made a promise with myself if I'm actually bi I will commit suicide I swear on everything I will literally kill myself
never wanted this for myself. Now I can't even get turned on anymore and my mind is telling me it's because u want a girl but I don't ! Wth I don't know which ones are my thoughts and which ones are hocd thoughts. In my dreams I always dream about guys romantically sexually and everything but for some reason I stopped having wet dreams about guys and it scares the **** out if me. Because in almost every dream I have I test myself even in dreams. I want my life back but I can't even rember how and what turned me on about guys n it's really scary it's horrible I hate it I just wanna lay in bed and die. This is living hell. I don't know who I am I was happy being straight and that's what I want for the rest of my life. The possibility of me being bi makes me puke up I lost weight I lost interest in life because if i like girls what's the point in living anymore ?
I'm 100% sure I've never been aroused by a girl not once in my life, I would shower with my friends change in front of them not once in my life did a lesbian thought went through my mind. But not I'm terrified I will get turned on by a female. Last night I was really calm I become really calm because I know I'm just gonna relax my mind and fall asleep, that's when I know I'm straight and the fear is just stupid and that I have always been attracted to males physically mentally sexually and everything never to girls. But it looks like my mind is trying to convince me I'm sexually attracted to girls and it really makes me uncomfortable. I had pleasant dreams when I feel asleep with no worries on my mind but then I woke up around 1/2 and started obsessing until I fell asleep. I had a dream where I was witch a girl and I had an urge to do something with her when I woke up I felt anxious and started obsessing again. I started me stay checking I don't like te idea of being with a girl but I doesn't disgust me anymore and I worry that it doesn't I know at the beginning of my hocd id get panic attacks when I thought of doing something with a girl now I hardly even get anxious and my brain is trying to convince me i would get turned on by a girl and it really makes me feel weird and alien I don't like it at all but what if I do ? This is living hell I keep qestioning obsessing checking 24:7 even in my dreams sometimes I can't escape from it. At the beginning I knew I had hocd but now I don't even know if this hocd anymore. My attraction towards is fading my sex drive is literally completely gone I'm depressed more than ever. I want to like boys again the way I did before I don't to feel anything towards women. 20 years of my life I've never questioned my sexuality I was certain that I liked boys in every way never girls but I even doubt that now. What botheres me the most is that I keep thinking I might be sexually attracted to girls I know I'm not because j don't see anything sexy about girls body or anything. I'm scared that I will have to have sex with a girl and find out that I like it.
I think I had a porn addiction because I started off with sex games at a young age it was always straight. I don't know why but for some reason sex really exctited me I found it weird that girls could have sex with each other I thought how does that even work so weird and disgusting. Then guys my age or older stArted talking dirty to me I didn't know what masturbation was until this guys told me. And we would talk dirty till late nights and I was really aroused girls never crossed my mind! Then a lot of guys started texting dirty with me and I like it a lot. Then I fell in love with a guy that I have been talking on the phone he would always talk dirty with me for some reason and I couldn't help but to get aroused. I then started seeing males I have been texting in real life and they would touch me and I get really aroused just by holding their hands, I felt like I was being used a little but I still liked it. I met a lot of guys and did things with them but never had sex. I was 14 at that time I started watching porn and I didn't have to use my imagination again I could see everything and j could choose what I wanted to see, I watched a lot of porn, I moved onto more weird and weird things always straight porn. Then I had sex for the first time, after that I had sex again I loved everything about it had no problem getting aroused I absolutely loved it I felt like a grown up and I felt like my dreams came true. I started sleeping around and I was ashamed of it but I just couldn't stop:( I had around 20 sexual partners. I then fell In love with a guy I fell deeply In love with him but he used me sexually and cheated on me. We broke up. I became really anti social since j didn't have many friends j would I stay home all day. I watched a lot of porn, since I didn't watch porn for a long time I started watching normal straight porn again and then again I started watching more weird things and more. Then my first OCD anxiety panic attack happened when I was with my new boyfriend that i am with till today. I because super antisocial because my boyfriend didnt like me talking to other guys or even looking at them. I had to make new Facebook new everything. I just stayed at home all day everyday my boyfriend also didn't like me hanging around with my female best friend because he said she's a bad influence and she'll make me cheat on him. So I was at home with my OCD obsessing every min of the damn day. So u hooked up with a guy behind my boyfriends back and cheated on him because i just wanted to get my mind of the obsession I felt trapped at home and I just could stoop obsessing. I felt really guilty so I decided to stop seeing that guy. To kill time i would watch porn I would watch 3 sum porn and then I moved onto lesbian oorn because everthing else just got boring so I watched it every night every morning sometimes during the day. I got bored of it after a while so I moved on to some other shocking porn I watched it all the time. I had sex with my boyfriend too about 5 times a week I never had a problem getting aroused and climaxing. But then I watched a lot of porn and j got bored of normal sex. I started watching lesbian porn and That other porn but I'm too ashamed to say what it was it was between male and a female. I didn't only watch normal lesbian porn it was just weird and violent. I wasn't aroused by the girls tho it was what they were Doint that aroused me. It was maybe a month or a few weeks before my hocd started. It was harder and harder to climax so I started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend which I never done before in my life. I imagined myself being with his best friend I don't know it just shocked my mind enough to orgasm, then later I imagined something else and something, I then stopped watching porn all together felt like I got bored of sex I wasn't even getting aroused anymore by porn I just made me climax but I didn't even feel good I know I felt disgusted everytime I watched lesbian porn. After I quit watching porn I started having weird dreams I dreamed that u was watching porn in my dream and then one day I had a lesbian dream and then again and again I think I had 3 lesbian dreams after stop watching porn. They didn't bother me I knew I was straight never made me question my sexuality because I knew I wouldn't wanna do anything like that in real life in fact j found it disgusting but yet i still watched it. Then j had sex with my boyfriend and a lesbian scene popped into my head I can't rember if I got aroused or not but I moved on, the next time me and my boyfriend had sex he mentioned something about having a 3 sum I imagine it and after a few minutes trying to get myself a roused by the image I climaxed. I never thought nothing of it. Then I had sex again and I imagined some other disgusting thing that was disgusting enough to make me climax. And then another day I strayed having sex with my boyfriend j got easily aroused but had hard time climaxing for some reason so j started using my imagination I trying imagining a lesbian scene but something deep down inside of me felt totally weirded out and just uncomfortable with that image in my head and I quickly removed it and thought of something else. Never questioned my sexuality I didn't get a roused by girls not ever. But one day when I was home watching my drama something gay came up a guy questioned his sexuality and was scared. I felt really strange for some reason and a what if I'm gay thought popped up in my head ! I freaked out I was just shocked I couldn't sit still I just started moviing around frekajnv out crying I even puked up I was set into shock it felt worse than dying!
I never fantasied about a female not once in my life girls didn't nothing for me ever, but now I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm just really scared that I can't get aroused by my boyfriend anymore and I'm so close to cheat on him to test myself if I'd get aroused by another man
I think if I really was bi I'd be okay with it but I don't think that's me it doesn't feel right that's not who I am or who I was and thinking that I could be bi makes me really upset to the point where I feel like I would kill myself if I was. I could come out to the world and tell them I'm bi I don't care what people would think I just don't want it I don't want to have anything to do with a female. It's not me
I just read something online and I feel straight I feel absolutely amazin !! I' feel so happy it feels like my soul it's connecting to my body again. Hahaha I know this won't last long because I'll start doubting again
There more I test the more the fear becomes real:( j just wanna get cancer and die I would literally wanna be dead than bi or gay or what ever . Tried accepting it but it doesn't feel right I still feel horrible. When I accept myself as straight I feel good and calm and just wonderful is this even hocd
I've had enough of this every single day I get the sexual images in my head, I hate this ! I had sex with my boyfriend and I couldn't get the images out of my head it's getting so bad I hate this will all of my heart
I keep mentally checking and j hate the idea I hate it with all of my heart but I'm still scared
When u wake up I have a really fresh mind because I haven't been obsessing in my dreams and I just feel like how can I even tho k I would enjoy being with a girl and then I obsess again and it feels like I like n that feeling is just so horrible to the point where I just cry and cry and feel uncomfortable I hate this so much I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore:(( .... I have hocd themed dreams every single night !!! Can't even enjoy my sleep
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