I HATE THIS DAMN DISEASE!!

[crecco]

  sorry to yell and I do not mean to offend, but this has been a really rough day. I hope that someone out there has an extra shoulder for me this evening. The first time, it only took 12 days, and by the time 3 weeks was up this time, I had convinced myself it wasn't going to happen. That was my big mistake. They kept telling me it would, but the more time that went by, I thought that maybe I was one of the lucky ones. But no such luck. Reality slapped me in the face this afternoon when I realized that my hair is starting to fall out. To say it sounds so petty compared to what some of you are going through and I do not in any way mean to minimize anyone elses fight right now. I just thought that it might be easier the second time. But you know what? It isn't. It is just as hard if not harder. With everything that we all have to go through with this damn disease, it just doesn't seem right that we have to be bald on top of it. I do apologize for being such a baby about it because I know that it is hard for everyone.
  I went to my girlfriends this afternoon and told her to have her shears ready. I should have gone ahead and done it today but just wasn't quite ready. I figure that i have until about Tues before it gets bad enough that I will just have her shave it. Her husband was so sweet nd told me if it would help, he would shave his head also. I hate being so weak about something like thisbut right now when i am having a good day and I look in the mirror, I can almost forget that i have cancer. But just like before, when that bald head stares back at me, it is thrown in my face every damn day.
  Sorry again. I will be alright in a few days when I have gotten used to it. But right now I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there. Love you all, Chris

[Berca]

Dear Chris,
Sending hugs to you. I am sorry you are feeling so low. When my hair started falling out I had my daughter shave my head. Then I couldn't figure out how to put the stupid scarves on without them falling off!! (you would think a nurse could figure that out!!) I refused to wear a wig because I am hot stuff as it is! I sat there crying & my 19 year old daughter said to me. "Mom look at it this way.1) You will not have to shave your legs or pits for a while 2) No more hair in the food 3) you look so cool bald why wear anything? I thought about it & she was right. (so wise for 19). If I went out I sometimes wore baseball caps. When I went back to work 2 male nurses I worked with  saw my baseball cap & everyday after that there would be a new cap sitting on my desk. I now have every Dale Earnhardt, Dale Earnhart, Jr, NASCAR, Daytona 500 & hats from every track that were ever made. :) I hope this helps. I am not minimizing how you or anyone else feels because I have been there too. Hugs
Berca

[crecco]

  Yes, I gave up and decided to get it over with. I just got sick and tired of hair everywhere. It was worse than my dog's! She did it and got it over with in about 10 minutes. And I was so proud of myself, I didn't shed a tear. Ok after she was done I teared up just a little. I took a hat with me to wear home because it is so cold out and I imagine that I will just leave it on. And it will be awhile before I can look in the mirror.
  Thank you all of you for helping me get through this. You are the greatest!!!
                   Love, Chris

[PF_PVD]

I see you are going to have your hair "done."  Does this mean you will have it shaved?  Your certainly have my sympathy, as I agree it is like having a flashing neon C on your forehead.  The only time I saw my twin sister cry about my cancer was when she first saw me bald. As she said, this makes it real.  I lead the double life and wear a wig only at work.  Everywhere else I go natural, and if I run into someone I know, too bad. The first time I removed my scarf in public and went bare, I felt quite a sense of freedom and empowerment somehow.  Anyway, I hope you are pampered while you get your hair done and can get your hair back as soon as possible.  Paula  

[dian07]

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  I will be 58 on the 28th of this month and no doubt I am old enough to be some of you guy's mom.  My heart is breaking for you.....I feel so connected to each of you and I just want all of the "hurting" to stop.....I would do anything to get it to stop.  You know...the "hair thing" is a major issue for so many of us ......those who don't have to face it haven't a clue.... we don't want them to, either.  But, I really don't think they know what it feels like to be cheated by life....I do think that is how many of us feel....betrayed somehow...in the worst way possible.  Then on top of that we our hair falls out!!!  Crazy stupid world sometimes!  Sometimes the only way to nurture ourselves is to allow those tears to flow and do some kicking and screaming......this is a good place to come ....we love and understand eachother here.   Here, there is always a candle in the window.  I love you guys.
Peace.
dian

[BLinn90]

I feel exactly the same way you do!!!  You expressed it perfectly!  I cried more over my hair than everything else put together.  I have never had the knack for looking good with makeup, clothes.  My friends and family think I don't care!  It's no use explaining unless you've been there!  I refused to look in the mirror when I was bald - if I caught a glimpse, I always cried.  I never did cut my hair and didn't lose it ALL - eventually looked like Golum from Lord of the Rings.  I bought an expensive wig that looked better than my hair & one friend told me that I should get my hair done that way when it grows back -- I hated her for awhile!  SHE is naturally beautiful & looks great with just a shower & jeans.  Another 'friend' asks about the state of my hair every time we talk - I've stopped calling her.  I don't know how to tell her to stop asking - I guess the friends who are jabbing with questions know how awful THEY would feel.

I hate my wig, but it at least lets me go out in public without waving a huge flag!  

My CA125 is up and I'll probably have to go through a 2nd round like you...damit!  And like you, losing my hair again will be the most traumatic.  I've got about 2 inches of alot-more-gray than I had before & have no idea when I'll be able to dump the wig.  I keep thinking about being in my coffin - bald!  

Whew!  Venting!  
Bev
Experience is the comb that Nature gives us when we are bald. - Belgian proverb

[Hindat]

When I woke up from surgery and after being told it was cancer, I said I don't want to die and my doctor said there is always hope.  Even after starting the chemo I still couldn't believe that I had cancer. They told me my hair would fall out but when I still had it by the second treatment I thought it was going to stay  but then it started slowly falling out and then it got so I was losing handfuls so I decided to shave it.  I can remember all the times I said I hated my hair because it just wouldn't do what I wanted it to now I just want it back and I don't care what it decides to do :)  Why can't our hair grow back as fast as it falls out.  I admire those that can go out without scarfs, hats or wigs but I am shy and very self consious about I how I look so I wear a wig when I go out.   It is hard to stay positive with this disease but it is so very good to have a place to come to where everyone knows how you feel and can really mean it when they said I know how you feel.  I hope you are having a better day Chris.  I hope that the next time you get your hair back it will be forever.  

Linda

[Serenityblue]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can only imagine how it must feel.

My aunt recently fought breast cancer and when her hair started falling out she had it shaved then went out and spent money on herself buying herself a good quality wig that was similar to how her hair looked before the treatment, in colour, thicknes and style. It helped her, maybe it is something that you could use temporarily.

Also try to do the nice things for you x

[Brownie3321]

Chris - I love you honey, I think your rage is absolutely appropriate and needed. I have been feeling so sick today, my incisions are killing me, but I wanted to respond to a few posts I felt needed support. I'm not going to say 'you can do this' or 'keep your head up' because I know exactly how you are feeling. Sometimes you just need to vent those feelings and knowing other women are feeling the same emotions helps to pull you through. I am one of those women who don't wear a scarf, hat, or wig. I go hair-less and bald everywhere including work. I guess to me I didn't care as much as I hated being so hot! But, now that I have to continue chemo after my hair has been growing back rapidly, I am SO UPSET by it this time. I just want to cry my eyes out this time, scream, throw punches in the air and ask WHY ME?!?! I guess it's the 2nd time around... I'm sorry Chris, I truly am. Please know I am feeling your emotions and understand everything you are going through. I love you, and pray for you - Deandra

[Mary 53]

I have been thinking of you all day. What a beautiful post you just wrote.

Last night Jed's Mom (age 90) was here for dinner. She is in Assisted living now and does not have all of the mental capabilities she used to have. A very smart, elegant woman. My husband was here, of course, and our 22 year old daughter was here for dinner, too. I don't usually go running off to the computer when she is over for dinner, but in the past when I have done this I  hear about it, if you know what I mean..."MOM!!! GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET OUT HERE"! So, last night, it was just before dinner, but shortly after I saw your first post. I excused myself and said I had to go to the computer....which was meant with an inquisitive look. I found myself saying, "a good friend of mine is having a tough day. She is losing her hair today." The response was interesting and heart warming...they all said, "Oh, sure...go...do what you need to do. I am so sorry to hear that."

Why am I telling you all this? I am not sure except to say that I guess my family has come to understand what this site means to me...and, what all of you mean to me...and, that maybe I could offer some kind of comfort, and that I had their support.

So...from my family to you...sending a hug and positive thoughts. Things will get better. I just know it.

Love, Mary

[crecco]

  I do not know what I would do without you all. To say thank you does not even begin to express what I feel.
  The first time that I lost my hair was just a traumatic. I feel for those of you who are also going through this. We hear, "It will grow back, it is only hair" and I am guilty of saying it myself, but that does not make it any easier. Women are just not supposed to be bald!!! And when you see a woman that is bald, it is like she has a sign on her back that says, "cancer" For me even as time went by and I started to adjust to it, I still felt...
I don't know exactly what I felt but it was like everywhere I went you could feel the looks. I so envy those of you who are comfortable enough with it that you can go out with no hat or wig. I could just never bring myself to do that. I did not want anybody to see me like that, even my family!
  In the back of my mind I have always known that this was bound to happen again. Especialy since I will always be on chemo. But believe me it is not any easier than it was the first time.
  I am doing much better today. It is that initial shock when it first starts that is so hard.
I have decided to see if I can hang on to it for a few more days, but I just do not know. This evening it is begining to get a little worse. It is starting to look like a big dog is shedding all over me! If I can hold out until about Wed I will. Just want to enjoy it a little longer. Plus we are supposed to get about 5 inches of snow this evening and it is cold as heck out side. I figured I would keep my poor head warm for a few more days.
  As I said earlier, the words, thank you almost seem inadaquate. I don't even know how to descibe just how much your care and support has meant to me.
I am sending each and every one of you a great big hug. I love you all, my forever friends!!                                            Love Chris

[marie3B]

One time when my head was at it's shiny baldest I took my teenage daughter to her doc appointment. I had a scarf on. A huge hot flash hit and I ripped off the scarf. I didn't care who saw, I just wanted some air. I didn't know anyone had been watching me. At the checkout desk, a man about 6'5" or more came running up to me. He was smiling ear to ear. He hugged me and kissed the very top of my hairless head. He said," You can do this." He was a total stranger but he filled me with such a feeling of strength and hope. His random act helped me more than all of the encouragement of family & friends.  I wish for you that same feeling that man gave me. Marie

[cirella]

Oh Chris, I know that this was huge issue for you and I'm sorry it is happening again.  Please, don't feel like you're complaining about something insignificant!  It IS to you.  I can say it is to all women.  I thank God that you have a place to come to cry and know that there will be tons of support and well-wishes and understanding.  

((HUGS))
Lori

[lilbubba]

I wish I had words to make it easier...I don't ...I know that nothing makes this easier. What I hope for instead is that this hair loss represents ridding your body of this awful cancer and that you never have to deal with it again. Know that there are people behind you.

[SAm_in_the_UK]

Dear Chris, Im sorry you are feeling so low. Not sure if it helps but when my mum lost her hair, to me she still looked as beautiful-Im sure your family and friends feel the same way about you. Much love to you Chris, and don't feel bad for being upset, you are always a tower of strength to us on this site and others-we are here for you too. Take care, Sam x

[vegas2cr]

My heart is breaking with you and I know the feeling.  I am sending you my love and hugs and hope... Please Chris go buy the book "Its not about the hair" it will help I promise.. Hugs and Love Ronni and don't ever feel afraid to complain you are what we call HUMAN.. Love you...

[Morde1955]

You are beautiful...on the inside and out..with hair, without hair, with tears and with a smile.  You are you, no matter what.  No one can take that away and we all love you to pieces.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and remember you'll be cooler through the hot flushes and those little birdies will have the best nests in the countryside if you fluff it off outside ...and, some time in the not too distant future, you'll have new beautiful fuzz, then sprouts, then hair back, and this will all be in the past, and so will the dammm beastie!

Ride through it, favourite mate, and know that we're all riding with you. xxx

[coogeegirl]

I had exactly the same response when my doctor said that I would have to have chemotherapy my question was "Will I lose my hair"? and when he said yes I got off the phone and cried.

The first time it really struck me that I was a cancer paitient was after my second cyle of chemo I was at my parents looked in the mirror I was bald and had a big red blotch for some reason or other on my face and I lost it it was a reality check S...t!!! I have cancer then I lost it.

It is an unfair reality of fighting this disease that we have to lose our hair. I did ask my doctor after I finished chemo why can't they find something that attacks the target and not the person, which unfortunately at this stage it hasn't happened my fingers crossed something like that isn't far away.

Remember Chris with or without hair you are still you just a much more stronger version of you.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better

Lots of Hugs

Jenny

[hopeshell]

Hi Chris,

I totally agree with you...I hate this disease.  I am so sorry you are having to go through this again.   Please don't ever be sorry for saying anything.  I am sending you cyber hugs and prayers that tomorrow will be a better day!  I hope you are sleeping better.  I am not.  

Love,  Shelly

[msjazz]

I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I didn't shave my head the first time, it was fairly long. but I cut it short. My came out gradually, and I kept curring around it. A fter it came back, I got a couple of the cotton turbans from headcovers dot com. They were so lite and comfortable. I even slept with them. I haven't lost mine yet, but will probably be changing chemo in 2 week, so I don't know about then. It is devastating To think about for me too. Mine is just now long enough that I quit wearing my wig out. ( I have ears that stick out, I have always tried to cover them with my hair. ) I  bought 3 wigs last yr, all different lengths and colors.One thing about it I. could get ready to go a lot faster.
Love Donna

[AnotherKatie]

Have you looked at the website  headcovers dot com?   Some of the items they sell are really cute and it is a nice site.    

Don't forget about this one too   survivormovie dot com  

Like Mary said, I am thinking of you ladies tonight...

Love and hugs from
Katie

[Tybear]

Chris...I am so worried and wondering when it will happen for me too. I have some saying I'll lose it, some saying I won't and some saying about 40% will fall out...like that makes it any better. I sat here today, running my fingers through my hair and taking a deep breath before I looked at my hands, ready to prepare myself for the inevitable. I do this every single day. There is no preparing for it...I should know that by now. Like Gail, this will be my third time losing my hair. It does get harder...I hate the looks you get, the "poor you" stares...I hate that everytime I looked in the mirror, I was reminded I had cancer. To say it's "just hair"...well, the people who usually say that don't actually have to lose their hair. I'm so sorry Chris...that's all I know to say. You know it will get better...it just takes time.
Love Becky

[gah_70]

The great thing about this site is you never have to apologize for your true feelings.  Like Jan, being told I had cancer didn't make me cry.  But the first thing I asked my surgeon, groggy from anesthesia, is, "Am I going to lose my hair?"  I think of the irony of that.  I'm laying in recovery with 85 staples down my abdomen, having just been told I have cancer, and the first thing that crossed my mind was my hair.  I was never the type of person who had anything of which anyone would jealous.  I was never the one with beautiful skin, a nice figure, or good legs.  But, my hair was my crown.  No one ever said, "I wish I looked like you", but they all said, "I wish I had hair like you."  It was my security blanket.  Without it, people know you are sick.  It it truly the most unfair thing about this disease.  When I started treatment for my recurrence last May, I knew it was coming again, and I was so not ready.  After I stopped Topotecan, it started growing back.  It was slow, but it was hair.  Then came Taxotere in December.  Third time's a charm, right?  So now I'm picking hair off my pillow and out of the shower drain.  Trying to take it in stride, but its not that easy.

I hope you are feeling a little better tonight.  It is a bitter pill, but we'll do everything we can to help you through it.  Love and prayers to you.

Gail    

[Mary 53]

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you tonight.

Love, Mary

[learninboutlife]

I so wish I could hug everyone -- just give me a plane and free gasoline (and maybe a pilot's license) and I'll fly around and visit everyone -- pass out my hugs in person! It makes me feel sick to my stomach to read about all that you guys have gone through and continue to go through. You're right Jan, I honestly can't fathom the pain, vomiting/chemo crud, hair loss (I'd probly break a few mirrors before I could look at myself) and all the shiznit you guys deal with! But to see you here for each other makes me respect you all to the umpteenth degree!! Crying is a good thing -- actually I could do a little more of it -- and I'd probly feel better, maybe later! We're allowed to feel any way we want no matter what folks think! I love you all sooooo much -- I just wish I could reach out to you more. You all are special ladies that I am privileged to share some talk-time with! -- Hugs --
Fran