Aa
New Joke of the Day Thread
Husband in Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
Redneck Church
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether
the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to
catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back
now, Ya hear."
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether
the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to
catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back
now, Ya hear."
Lori said I should submit this, so here it is: Enjoy :)
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load'. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!' Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 'Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load'. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!' Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 'Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
These are great!
A short one for the kids...
Have you heard of Randolph the brown nosed reindeer?'
No?
He's the one behind Rudolph, but he can't stop as quick!
My favorite solution to Life's Problems:
The minimalist theory of maintenance: If it doesn't move and it should, spray it with WD40. If it does move and it shouldn't, wrap it with duct tape.
A remark from a favorite book of mine...
Deeply, obstinately ignorant, self-opinionated, and ill-informed...
Bev
A short one for the kids...
Have you heard of Randolph the brown nosed reindeer?'
No?
He's the one behind Rudolph, but he can't stop as quick!
My favorite solution to Life's Problems:
The minimalist theory of maintenance: If it doesn't move and it should, spray it with WD40. If it does move and it shouldn't, wrap it with duct tape.
A remark from a favorite book of mine...
Deeply, obstinately ignorant, self-opinionated, and ill-informed...
Bev
Just trying to bring a smile. = )
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
OH MY GOODNESS!!! Tito, get me a tissue. That fart one was good! LOL
Thanks for picking it up, girls!
L
Thanks for picking it up, girls!
L
DO YOU FART IN BED?
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T. STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T. STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother..."Don't eat it, it's an a**hole"
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother..."Don't eat it, it's an a**hole"
DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the **** out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6 . When you are confused - I will use little words for your dumb ***.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the **** out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6 . When you are confused - I will use little words for your dumb ***.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.."
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.."
Hey Lori -- I love the jokes too!!! :)
Here's one --
Prince Charming:
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children
and be forever happy doing so."
That night,
while the princess dined on frogs legs,
she laughed to herself and thought
"I don't f**ing think so."
Here's one --
Prince Charming:
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children
and be forever happy doing so."
That night,
while the princess dined on frogs legs,
she laughed to herself and thought
"I don't f**ing think so."
Hey Chris! Thanks for telling me the jokes are OK. I was starting to think people had been offended.
Here's another:
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should
bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie
in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to
the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed
a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and
handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,
handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out
again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but
frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about
the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription
filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There
were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which
turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic
hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire
hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she
finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know
what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began
crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he
needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys
are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know
what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car
pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and
ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew
near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat
hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into
a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger
from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing
how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and
window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door
was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I
just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless
the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
Here's another:
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should
bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie
in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to
the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed
a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and
handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,
handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out
again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but
frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about
the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription
filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There
were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which
turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic
hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire
hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she
finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know
what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began
crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he
needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys
are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know
what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car
pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and
ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew
near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat
hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into
a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger
from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing
how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and
window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door
was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I
just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless
the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
PC magazine 2007 editors choice for best webmail
(This is an actual letter)
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why without the Leak Guard core or Dri-Weave absorbancy, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period Mr Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well my time of the month is starting right now. As I type I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills" Isn't the human body amazing?
As branch manager with the Feminine Hygeine Dept., you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for a woman. In fact only last week my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriends testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Greys Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, crazy!
The point is sir, you of all people must realize America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there printed on the adhesive backing were the words, "Have a Happy Period"
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well did it James? FYI - unless your some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" asbout a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God- pull your head out man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that is actually pertinent, like "Put down the hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is wrong" or are you just picking on us.
Please inform your accounting dept. that affective imediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls***. And thats a promise I will keep.
Always
Best:
Wendi Aarons
Austin TX
(This is an actual letter)
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why without the Leak Guard core or Dri-Weave absorbancy, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period Mr Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well my time of the month is starting right now. As I type I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills" Isn't the human body amazing?
As branch manager with the Feminine Hygeine Dept., you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for a woman. In fact only last week my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriends testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Greys Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, crazy!
The point is sir, you of all people must realize America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there printed on the adhesive backing were the words, "Have a Happy Period"
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well did it James? FYI - unless your some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" asbout a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God- pull your head out man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that is actually pertinent, like "Put down the hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is wrong" or are you just picking on us.
Please inform your accounting dept. that affective imediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls***. And thats a promise I will keep.
Always
Best:
Wendi Aarons
Austin TX
You just sling them out left and right!!! Glad to see it. Please don't stop because they are hilarious!!
Love, Chris
Love, Chris
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thank s: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you 're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying @*!% YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thank s: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you 're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying @*!% YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was
introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I' d better call the BMW *******, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an *******!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said,"Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, *******,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***,"
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the **** out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was
introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I' d better call the BMW *******, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an *******!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said,"Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, *******,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***,"
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the **** out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus"
out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus"
The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt:
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes:
Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store:
Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia:
U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois:
Chica Gogh
His magician uncle:
Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin:
A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother:
Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach:
Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle:
Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt:
Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle:
Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin:
Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking:
Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew:
Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco:
Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV:
Winnie Bay Gogh
HA! saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !
His dizzy aunt:
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes:
Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store:
Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia:
U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois:
Chica Gogh
His magician uncle:
Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin:
A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother:
Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach:
Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle:
Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt:
Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle:
Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin:
Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking:
Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew:
Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco:
Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV:
Winnie Bay Gogh
HA! saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !
A man went for his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, 'Don't laugh!'
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
' I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' the man replied!!!!!
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
' I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' the man replied!!!!!
please no offense given or taken........... its just in clean fun,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help, I've fallen and I can't g et up!
The German bra --- Holtzemfromfloppen
Hope it gave you a laugh!!
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help, I've fallen and I can't g et up!
The German bra --- Holtzemfromfloppen
Hope it gave you a laugh!!
This is just too cute!!
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2 Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3 I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2 Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3 I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Hey! Good to see you all back with the jokes! There are some VERY good ones here. BCMD...that one is sad but true. Ugh.
A Wise School Teacher
A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first
day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he
says happens at home."
A Wise School Teacher
A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first
day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he
says happens at home."
Everybody Enjoy!
1953 versus 2008
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1953 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1953 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1953 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1953 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1953 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal who has a headache also.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed
1953 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher who gives him a hug to comfort him.
1953 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison
1953 versus 2008
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1953 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1953 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1953 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1953 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1953 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal who has a headache also.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed
1953 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher who gives him a hug to comfort him.
1953 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison
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