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distant fiance
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distant fiance

Since I found out that I have to get my ovary removed, I feel that my fiance has been extremley distant.  Has anyone gone through this?  My surgery is coming up soon, i had to travel home for it, makes me wonder if he is having doubts about me or is worried i might not be able to have kids.  Has anyone had issues with their significant others? or were they always extremley supportive, even when I have irrational arguments.

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Avatar_f_tn
Dear Nikki...Are you having your ovary removed because of the cancer? If so, you can always store your eggs for the future, as quite often if everything else is left intact, you can still have children. I have met a young lady who had Stage 1 ovca, and she had her eggs frozen until she had finished her treatments, and after some months decided to try for a child and was successful. Your fiance probably thinks the worst without knowing the full facts, but I'm sure your Doctors can explain these things to you both. I just want to say, that if he doesn't want to stay and support you through this, then you are better off going it alone, as hard as it seems at the present time. OvCa has cost me my marriage, as my husband couldn't cope with me having cancer and left, but I'm doing o.k.. I'd rather be without him, than have him feeling like he is forced to be here.... and we have children.
I hope your fiance sorts himself out soon, and comes to terms with his role as a loving and caring 'partner'. Wishing you all the best....hugs...Helen...
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282804_tn?1236837191
Nikki:  You should just talk to him.  This is no time to have an "iffy" relationship.  Sometimes, they are just afraid especially if they don't have all the facts.  Sometimes we project our fears and it isn't them at all.  I am VERY lucky.  I finished my first round of chemo in April and my husband and I got married in August.  He knew this could come back any time (and it has) but he has been there through thick and thin.  I don't know how old you are but I will give you this bit of motherly advice:  Spend 10x more time planning your MARRIAGE than you do the wedding.  People plan big for the big day and forget about how they are going to conduct their lives for the next 50 years. You always have us even when you think you are alone, you are not.
Helmar:  What a pig!  Why don't people get the for better or worse part of their marriage vows and especially when you have kids. I don't know your situation at all, but that bites!  Hang in there.
Jan
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Avatar_n_tn
Hey guys, I seem to be coming on this site to complain alot, my apologies Im turning into a bitter old lady im only 25 :(
To answer your question Helmar, no they dont know if its cancer, its big, it has septations and theres two solid components.  My intial surfery they want to take out the ovary, and then do a full staging but thats something I need to decide soon since my surgery is scheduled early nov 5.
I know, I know, i need to be positive, but im sick of being positive for my family and friends like everythings o.k. and its not.  I just got engaged, just graduated, just got a brand new job and I had to leave all of it come to the home and deal with this **** and im just so sad, ive never felt so low, i hate all of this, sometimes i wish i never even found this forum because i find myself logging on it all day, reading everyones stories and it makes me sick to the stomach because it becomes more real  everytime i turn on the computer.  a few people were my age, and the statistics were so low, then why so many members?
I pray that this isnt cancer, because if it is then I obviously am not the type to be able to be positive and beat it, i can't even do the intial surgery.
I sleep all night, and then most of the day, I dont know if its my health or if im just depressed.  I dont feel like I can talk to anyone because I feel like i have to put a smile on my face and be like "everythings just great, im fine" and im not.  i just want to go back to my life, thats all.  im sorry i dont mean to be such a drag, i know most of your are going through rougher times
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Avatar_f_tn
Nikki,

I too am waiting for surgery.  I'm twice your age (51!) and I'm in the mental health field.  

I just want to tell you that I know just how you feel, and that you gave me the best cry this morning !!  I too, am constantly telling people how "ok" I am, and that "everything is going to be ok" and that I'm positive, and blah blah blah.....when I'm reallly scared shi##ess.

I found out just over a year ago that my husband was cheating and spending our money where he shouldn't , have been divorced only a year, work full time to support my 15  year old daughter, and lost my mom to ovarian cancer 5 years ago.  So I KNOW STRESS !!!!

But you know what ?  What ever IT is, IT IS.  

Your fiancee is probably as scared as you, and has NO idea what to do or say to make himself or you feel better.  At 25, most folks have no expereince with dealing with serious illness, surgery, or G-d forbid, dealing with anyone that has to look possible mortality in the face.  In fact, most folks at 50 something are not good at it either....

I too pray that it's not cancer.  I hate not knowing.  I hate waiting.  If I could, I would take a dull spoon, and operate myself, just to KNOW !!!!!  

On the serious note, I'd take sleeping over what I"m doing..... NOT sleeping, and being up all night worrying about the bills, my daughter, whatever....but we each deal with stress differenetly.  If sleep does it for you, then let yourself sleep.  

On the funny note--I was at a party last night and my "best girlfriend" of over 30 years and I were cracking up at how many people who had heard about my upcoming surgery would greet me LOOKING AT MY MID SECTION as if they wanted to "SEE" what was in there !!!!  We giggled until we were in tears.  

Find something to laugh at.  Chase a rainbow.  We are both gonna be ok.  
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180861_tn?1218804790
I'm an on-again off-again visitor to this site, and I felt compelled to respond to your post because your situation hit home in some ways.

First of all, I'm 25 too. I was engaged for a few months when I started getting sick from my cyst - which ended up being endometriosis and caused me to lose my left ovary during a laparotomy in Jan 07.   After the cyst was sent to the path lab they found I had stage1c and I've just finished chemo in June.  I was married during my chemo treatments this May.   My husband has always been a very supportive caregiver - of course we got impatient with each other from time to time and had our fair share of irrational arguments too......      Getting sick when you have a lot on your plate like a new job and an upcoming marriage and being young when most of your friends only worry about what they're going to do for the weekend - I know what that's like.  Very stressful.  As for me and my husband, we've been through what most people never go through in a lifetime and I'm ever grateful that we've had the opportunity to put our relationship to the "test" so early.  That doesn't mean we both weren't scared and occasionally got on each other's nerves though...

My personal advice would be to talk to your fiance about how he feels about the potential of fertility problems in the future.  Honesty's the best policy, right?  I feel it's better to know now than after marriage.   If it were me, I would come out and ask him about why he's being distant from you and that it's not making it easier for you.  Or, tell him what you need from him over the next few weeks for you to get through this (with sanity in tact).  It's possible he doesn't know what to do for you; sometimes I had to spell out exactly what I needed.  I know it's no fun talking about surgeries and sickness and fertility problems, but I feel being on the same page, especially with marriage nearby, is important.  

About being strong enough to go through chemo if you find out there's cancer....let me tell you I am the biggest wimp out there.  I think about needles and I feel faint.    The thought of surgery is terrifying; I do believe that waiting and counting down the days is more torture than just doing it and getting it over with.  It's all such a mental game.    But Nikki, you may surprise yourself and find out how strong you are when you come out of this.  When I was going through rough emotional times I had a spot I would walk to that overlooked a lake....find something or somewhere to give your mind some peace and where you don't have to act like everything's ok.

I hope that everything works out for you well, I will be keeping an eye on the forum from time to time to see how things are going - so be sure to update!


Best, Libby
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