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Need help for my daughter!
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Need help for my daughter!

Hi.
My daughter is 17. She was seeing someone & she wanted to be a virgin untill marriage. She was seeing someone 20 years older than her which we werent too happy about. She went over to his house one night but made it clear that she cant have sex. He didnt use his penis but he fingered her & did other things to her in there. she woke me up a few nights later saying she lost her virginity & he told her it was foreplay. This happened over a year ago & shes been having psychological problems. I keep telling her shes fine & nothing happened. But she keeps saying 'he made be bleed 3 times.' She keeps having panic attacks & gets tight pains in her chest. I am worried for her because she also has a heart condition. She keeps saying things like 'he clogged up my vagina, its not pure anymore, he told me it was nothing but why did I bleed, fingering isnt magic sex, thats what lesbians do.' I sit with her almost every night explaining to her his finger didnt even go inside where the penis goes but she wont believe me. Shes been to doctors, counsellors & they tell her nothing happened & she wont believe them either. She keeps saying shes right & everyone else is wrong & 'did Mary get fingered.' I called the guy she was with & said my daughter told you no sex & she asked you will she still be a virgin if you do that.' He replied she asked me what I believed., then she said ok when I told her yes' Is he to blame cause he still knew where he was putting his fingers. I feel awful for not teaching my daughter about foreplay, I just presumed he knew. I just want my daughter to get better the way she used to be. She feels like a part of her is missing that she can never get back & thats why she doesnt feel like a virgin. Im not sure about sex now. But does anyone know how far a male finger can go inside, I told her it was the first knuckle under his nail, is that correct? I just need some reasurrance for her & for her to gwt better. Thankyou.
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2124392_tn?1335319187
If this anxiety came about after the ordeal with this man then she could be experiencing some psychological trauma, similar to rape.  Just the fact that she was with such an older man is troublesome.  In fact,  I would just believe my daughter and go directly to counseling.  Nip this anxiety in the bud.  Your daughter needs you right now.  I think her version might be more accurate than you think. You sound like a great mom. I speak from my own experience. Nip this problem in the bud.  You might want to start with the family doctor for a referral.  Take care and all my best to the both of you. WendyJones
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks Wendy. We warned her so many times not go with him, but she always stuck up for saying he wont do anything to me, hes older & knows what hes doing. I had no idea she was at his house. I always thought she was at a friends house which is what she told me. I just dont understand why he still did this to her though when she kept telling him no sex. Everything is so messed up & its causing problems in my family. I just dont know how to get her heart rate back to its normal state. I told her she doesnt feel like one cause he started to play with her & thats why she doesnt feel complete & the blood was probably cause he broke her hymen or scratched her. Now she never wants to get married, have kids or let another man touch her again. I just wish I could do more for her.
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2124392_tn?1335319187
I understand how 17 year olds are, only too well.  It is just the fact that she is so obsessed a year later that does not sit right with me.  It is also causing problems with her heart.  Maybe if she got counseling then the whole family could settle down.  Best of luck to you my dear.  WendyJones
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't know how to help Your Daughter but I have some information for You.
If She was 16 (and still at 17) She is a minor!! and he is a pedo phile!! You could have had him arrested!! (and I wish You had!!).  A man that much older than a teenager is a manipulator and a controller.

Get therapy for Your Daughter and I wish Her well.
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Avatar_f_tn
You sound like a fantastic mother. I just want to say that it sounds like she is dealing with severe psychogical trauma similar to what I dealt with when I was 15 due to rape. Just keep taking her to a counselor. and I have information as well such as crime victims compensation that could really help you in this. just like tinkerbell said she was and still is a minor when this occured and I am going to be honest... not to scare you or anything but the only way I settled down from everything was when I got closure what my attacker got put in jail. Im only trying to relate to how I was to your daughter here. but also I believe if I'm not mistakuing there is a 3-5 year limit on reporting stuff like this. cause yes this man is a ********* and can do very long time. good luck and I wish the best for your daughter.
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Avatar_f_tn
So fo a YEAR your daughter has been having problems with this and you just "keep telling her she's fine and nothing happened"?!?! Obviously something happened, he fingered her enough to make her bleed three times, it was traumatic, and in all likelyhood she probably has ptsd- an incurable disorder that causes permanent damage to the brain. What on earth do you mean "his finger didn't even go inside where the penis goes"?! This statement doesn't make any sense, and makes it seem like you don't understand female anatomy or the basics of sex. His fingers penetrated her vagina, just as a penis would penetrate a vagina during sexual intercourse. Therefore, His Fingers Would Have Been In Exactly THE SAME PLACE Where A Penis Goes! There is no "other" or secondary place for his fingers to go ( other than the anus, but your daughter said vagina) as your statement implies. And as for "a finger can only penetrate a vagina up to the first knuckle, closest to the nail" what a load of hogwash! A finger, penis, or any other body part or object can penetrate a vagina until A) it reaches the " end" or " top" of the vagina at the cervix  ( and possibly with severe force it could go further) or B) there is no more object or body part left to penetrate the vagina with. For example, in full on sexual intercourse the penis going all the way in and the man's scrotum and body hitting the woman's body. Or in fingering, the finger going all the way into the vagina til The ENTIRE FINGER is inside the woman up to the last knuckle/hand. To further disprove your story of "a finger can only penetrate a vagina up to the first knuckle by the nail": WHAT ABOUT FISTING HUH? If a finger could only go in up to the smallest knuckle, how do you explain not just one entire finger, but all five going into a vagina until the entire hand is inside the womans body and is making a fist? I'm wondering if beyond the fingering, your daughter was also fisted at the time of this incident, which would explain 1) Her statement about how this man "clogged up her vagina" and 2) the fact that he made her body bleed THREE TIMES! a woman's hymen can be torn or broken AKA "popping the cherry" (because of the blood) by a finger, penis, or object. While it is normal for some bleeding to occur the first and rarely even the next few times a vagina is penetrated, anything more than that is NOT normal, and means 1)either the woman has a medical condition, like ovarian cysts, an infection, or an std. Or 2) the man was too forceful or violent and caused damage to the woman's vagina. She bled three times, meaning at some point the bleeding stopped , then he did something sexual to your daughter again causing her vagina to bleed a second time, for one or more of the above reasons. Then this was repeated and she bled a third time.

I'm sorry, but you need to wake up to a few things here. 1) By many personal and LEGAL definitions, rape is a finger, hand (fist), object and/or penis penetrating someone's vagina, anus, and by some definitions, mouth. But it can't be rape if it's not forced right? Wrong! Rape can be achieved not just by using brute physical force, but by coercion ( Hence the phrase forced or coerced that you here somethimes) physical, mental, emotional, and sexual intimidation and threats ( like of the person killing or hurting you, your family, pets etc) blackmail; and using drugs or alchohal to make a person pass out, or at least toa point where they can't struggle or scream to much. Anyway you slice it, by most modern legal definitions, YOUR DAUGHTER WAS RAPED!! And yet you have the nerve to tell her "nothing happened" and she's fine!!! 2) Your daughter most likely has PTSD. Facts from science: sex acts against ones will are the number one thing that is most likely to cause PTSD in either sex. One of the risk factors associated with developing this brain condition is people, especially family, friends and caregivers,not believing the survivor or not taking them seriously or getting them help. Your daughter already has those two boxes checked. You are her mother. She is a minor. It is your job to get her physical, and emotional help. Thus far you have failed to do so, and have clearly made her suffering worse by telling her it was nothing, nothing happened, she's  fine, convincing her of lies like "his fingers didn't even go where a penis goes" and "a mans finger can't go up that far" and taking her to "professionals" that reinforce this nonsense, and like you,don't validate her feelings or even believe anything happened at all. 3) While it is not illegal for a minor and an adult to become friends or even " date" in a non sexual way, as soon as it becomes sexual, it IS ILLEGAL!this man broke the law by doing something sexual with your daughter.Have you done your duty as a mother and citizen to report this man, who is legally now considered a sex offender based on what he did to your daughter? No. 4) The professionals (sic) that you have taken your daughter to sound like I'll qualified, uncaring morons without a lick of common sense. They (and you) have essentially convinced your daughter she's crazy, that nothing happened, that her feelings aren't valid, that she hasn't developed the brain changes associated with PTSD, and so on. Your daughter needs treatment now! Wishing she could be like she used to be isn't going to solve anything! And the truth is, with PTSD thebrain has changed structurally and chemically so she is never going to be the same. I suggest taking her to a real professional, a patient compassionate individual who actually believes her, as opposed to these other geniuses who've helped her do much.
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