Aa
Just another soldier...
25+months served in iraq, 14 in baghdad 2006-2008, the rest in kirkuk iraq 2009. I was just diagnosed as being alcohol dependant this morning because I was honest on a pre deployment required health survey about all kinds of health issues, alcohol being one of them... Apparently 68oz. of india pale ales a night is taboo... anyway....
So I was in baghdad where all this madness happened in the time frame i was present... Lots of explosions, exchanging bullets fairly often with random insurgeants dressed in civilian attire. A good friend got shot in the head by a sniper who used children as a distraction. He miraculously lived despite a bullet making a clean hole through the middle of his brain. Havent spoken to him since. Flies... They pretty much erk me the hell out, cuz i remember having to identify burned, and shot up bodies in a morgue. I dont know why, but in this morgue the iraqi's hacked off legs below the knees on many carcasses and just threw the limbs into a big yellow bin that just sat by the door, being swarmed by flies. I was forced to shoot at whoever came near our convoy if they didnt yield to hand and arm signals, and yelling at them, sometimes killing them out of the fear of all the suicide vehicle bourne IED's "bomb cars" the insurgeants were utilizing. I still look back, and dont quite know what to make of all that, because there were instances wherein there simply was no time to give enough warning in my oppinion before being forced to fire rounds...
On more then one occasion I had bullets hum right on by my head, or spit up dirt at my feet. Had IED's go off 50 meters from me, thankfully no injury other then tinitis, and hearing loss. I've seen US soldiers burn inside of vehicles with no way of saving them. I've had to carry friends bloody uniforms to turn into the chain of command, only to be told to go clean the blood and brainmatter out of the humvee next because nobody else was mentally sound enough at the time. I think the first time I realized i had been mentally perverted was when i found it funny watching friend sprint back to a humvee with his pants around his knees because he got shot at while taking a **** 20 feet from the truck. On my 21st birthday rather then drinking and partying it up with the guys back home, I got shot at. By shot at I mean 3 rounds missed my face by five to six inches. Literally as the clock turned from 2006, to 2007 that january morning at 12:01am I was detaining 2 insurgeants who had just murdered an innocent iraqi with a 9mm pistol, and were in the process of turning his body into a bomb on the side of the road for us to "find" later on.
I have seen a counselor, but never been able to really cough all of this up, it makes me uncomfortable to think of it all, and I've tried in the past to talk to the wife, or a counselor about it all, yet there is just so much i wouldnt even know where to start. I've had waking nightmares that involved me running into things, IE doors... Though not latley... Whenever I have tried to talk about any of this i break out in sweats, and just simply put, cant find the words to say. I've grown extremely short tempered, and the one time I did express that i thaught i had ptsd i pleaded with the doc not to put it in my medical record so they treated me for "anxiety adjustment disorder" instead with a drug called Effexor XR, which I quit taking during my second deployment. BTW, thats a horrible drug. When I stopped taking it i swear to god i was having sensations of my brain being electrocuted.
I'm probably comming off as that crazy veteran nobody wants to listen to, but oh well. I figure if i cant find the words to say, maybe i can just type, right? My current counselor told me she doesnt think i have any ptsd but then again I have never really spoken to anyone about all of this. Over halfe of my team in that deployment has claimed PTSD, with several of them being discharged as a result. One cant even talk straight anymore. He mumbles and studders. Docs said his nerves are shot from what he said.
Thanks for reading,
Ken
So I was in baghdad where all this madness happened in the time frame i was present... Lots of explosions, exchanging bullets fairly often with random insurgeants dressed in civilian attire. A good friend got shot in the head by a sniper who used children as a distraction. He miraculously lived despite a bullet making a clean hole through the middle of his brain. Havent spoken to him since. Flies... They pretty much erk me the hell out, cuz i remember having to identify burned, and shot up bodies in a morgue. I dont know why, but in this morgue the iraqi's hacked off legs below the knees on many carcasses and just threw the limbs into a big yellow bin that just sat by the door, being swarmed by flies. I was forced to shoot at whoever came near our convoy if they didnt yield to hand and arm signals, and yelling at them, sometimes killing them out of the fear of all the suicide vehicle bourne IED's "bomb cars" the insurgeants were utilizing. I still look back, and dont quite know what to make of all that, because there were instances wherein there simply was no time to give enough warning in my oppinion before being forced to fire rounds...
On more then one occasion I had bullets hum right on by my head, or spit up dirt at my feet. Had IED's go off 50 meters from me, thankfully no injury other then tinitis, and hearing loss. I've seen US soldiers burn inside of vehicles with no way of saving them. I've had to carry friends bloody uniforms to turn into the chain of command, only to be told to go clean the blood and brainmatter out of the humvee next because nobody else was mentally sound enough at the time. I think the first time I realized i had been mentally perverted was when i found it funny watching friend sprint back to a humvee with his pants around his knees because he got shot at while taking a **** 20 feet from the truck. On my 21st birthday rather then drinking and partying it up with the guys back home, I got shot at. By shot at I mean 3 rounds missed my face by five to six inches. Literally as the clock turned from 2006, to 2007 that january morning at 12:01am I was detaining 2 insurgeants who had just murdered an innocent iraqi with a 9mm pistol, and were in the process of turning his body into a bomb on the side of the road for us to "find" later on.
I have seen a counselor, but never been able to really cough all of this up, it makes me uncomfortable to think of it all, and I've tried in the past to talk to the wife, or a counselor about it all, yet there is just so much i wouldnt even know where to start. I've had waking nightmares that involved me running into things, IE doors... Though not latley... Whenever I have tried to talk about any of this i break out in sweats, and just simply put, cant find the words to say. I've grown extremely short tempered, and the one time I did express that i thaught i had ptsd i pleaded with the doc not to put it in my medical record so they treated me for "anxiety adjustment disorder" instead with a drug called Effexor XR, which I quit taking during my second deployment. BTW, thats a horrible drug. When I stopped taking it i swear to god i was having sensations of my brain being electrocuted.
I'm probably comming off as that crazy veteran nobody wants to listen to, but oh well. I figure if i cant find the words to say, maybe i can just type, right? My current counselor told me she doesnt think i have any ptsd but then again I have never really spoken to anyone about all of this. Over halfe of my team in that deployment has claimed PTSD, with several of them being discharged as a result. One cant even talk straight anymore. He mumbles and studders. Docs said his nerves are shot from what he said.
Thanks for reading,
Ken
That was so sad to read.I really hope you feel better.if you cant talk yet to anyone just keep writting.you are still getting it out in a healthy way.just getting it out alittle at a time will probably help you sort out your feelings and emotions.best of luck too you ken
Lots of crap, that's all it is. It doesn't go away I hate to tell you. I've been home for thirty + years and you just never forget. Two active tours in the Corps followed an incredibly violent and screwed up childhood dude.
Your counselor is a moron and obviously in the wrong field. Maybe he/she would do better working in Motor T?
I wasn't smart enough to look for help like you are. I kept it in almost thirty years figuring no one wanted to hear me 'blubber' about it and secretly petrified that if I ever opened my mouth I would never be able to stop what followed.
Short version: I had a complete melt down five years ago after singing the hair on my arm while lighting the grill. The smell was enough to send me over the edge. I won't bore you with all of the details but I went to the VA, had no problem with a PTSD diagnosis. I took Zoloft for six months and attended counseling.... sort of. Because the doc was so buried, i would spend hours waiting to see him even with a scheduled appointment. Turned out that us guys in the waiting room accomplished more just bullshitting with each other than the doc ever could have anyway.
We had informal meetings at the VA cafeteria every week, We probably made billions for RJ Reynolds and the Lucky Strike makers but we all improved over time. My guess is that you, like all the others vets I know, miss one thing above all else: The bond we shared with the men in our unit. You can use that same bond (with others like yourself) to heal. I felt perfectly safe with those guys even though i didn't serve directly with them. Some were old timers and others were new but none of us were young. You stop being young the first time you see someone burned alive or dismembered or hold parts of a friend in your hands.
It took about a year but life settled down, I was able to sleep at night. I went from two, two hour blocks of sleep on a good night, to three, then four and finally six hours of sleep. No more memories popping up in the middle of the day and when I do remember, I am not completely overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
I refused to join the VFW or Legion after I got out. I just wanted to forget about it. The problem was that I couldn't. Guilt, fear, depression, anger... not doing it anymore. Life's too damn short to let that stuff drag you down.
I did and I wasted more than two decades as a result of it.
Try to remember all the crap you forced yourself to overcome to earn a spot with your unit. You are going to have to come up with the same resolve to overcome this. You thought you couldn't do it but you did. You might be thinking the same thing here bro... but you CAN do it and you CAN be a better man because you now know what's out there. Use it to educate others who think that war is something you read about in the news.
I don't plan to make it a habit of hanging out on this site but I couldn't leave without putting in my two cents.
Not sure what they say in the Army but Semper Fi brother. It will get better!
Your counselor is a moron and obviously in the wrong field. Maybe he/she would do better working in Motor T?
I wasn't smart enough to look for help like you are. I kept it in almost thirty years figuring no one wanted to hear me 'blubber' about it and secretly petrified that if I ever opened my mouth I would never be able to stop what followed.
Short version: I had a complete melt down five years ago after singing the hair on my arm while lighting the grill. The smell was enough to send me over the edge. I won't bore you with all of the details but I went to the VA, had no problem with a PTSD diagnosis. I took Zoloft for six months and attended counseling.... sort of. Because the doc was so buried, i would spend hours waiting to see him even with a scheduled appointment. Turned out that us guys in the waiting room accomplished more just bullshitting with each other than the doc ever could have anyway.
We had informal meetings at the VA cafeteria every week, We probably made billions for RJ Reynolds and the Lucky Strike makers but we all improved over time. My guess is that you, like all the others vets I know, miss one thing above all else: The bond we shared with the men in our unit. You can use that same bond (with others like yourself) to heal. I felt perfectly safe with those guys even though i didn't serve directly with them. Some were old timers and others were new but none of us were young. You stop being young the first time you see someone burned alive or dismembered or hold parts of a friend in your hands.
It took about a year but life settled down, I was able to sleep at night. I went from two, two hour blocks of sleep on a good night, to three, then four and finally six hours of sleep. No more memories popping up in the middle of the day and when I do remember, I am not completely overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
I refused to join the VFW or Legion after I got out. I just wanted to forget about it. The problem was that I couldn't. Guilt, fear, depression, anger... not doing it anymore. Life's too damn short to let that stuff drag you down.
I did and I wasted more than two decades as a result of it.
Try to remember all the crap you forced yourself to overcome to earn a spot with your unit. You are going to have to come up with the same resolve to overcome this. You thought you couldn't do it but you did. You might be thinking the same thing here bro... but you CAN do it and you CAN be a better man because you now know what's out there. Use it to educate others who think that war is something you read about in the news.
I don't plan to make it a habit of hanging out on this site but I couldn't leave without putting in my two cents.
Not sure what they say in the Army but Semper Fi brother. It will get better!
As I was reading this, I started crying because Ive heard so many of these stories. My brother (whom Im extremely close to) was in Marine Corp and had some pretty similar experiences in Iraq. He was in the regemin that cleared Hit in 08 along with alot of other cities (Hit was their big push-through).
I wish so badly I had advice for you or there was a pill to just make this all go away for you guys, with no side affects. Effexor is a horrible med, it really should be pulled from the market because Ive heard SO many people say the same thing about the electric shocks.
I cannot thank you enough for your service and sacrifice for this beautiful country of ours. My daughter is sleeping so peacefully in her bed right now thanks to you guys.
Also, thank you for writing this post. Ive told my brother I think stories like this, and his should be public because so many people dont truly and deeply appreciate what is actually going on. I just think people need to see the raw emotion that alot of u guys are harboring.
I also think Annie is right about printing this off and taking to ur counselor. Honestly tho, I'd get a different counselor. You have PTSD, I've spent more than enough time with guys comming back from the war with 2 brothers, 3 cousins and an exhusband in the Marines, all Infantry and MP, Im not a doctor, but I think Im qualified to say I know my ****, theyve trained me well.
I found a couselor at the VA clinic close to my town that is an Iraq Vet himself. I called alot of mental health clinics and straight up asked them if they had any counselors that were vets. (and specified Vietnam or Iraq/Afgan Vet) Its up to you, I know everyone is different, I know of some who find it easyer to talk to people who dont have a clue because it forces them to dig deeper to explain and open up, others like my brother get pissed when they hafta talk to POGs about anything because they just dont get it. Perfectly understandable either way.
Please dont give up on getting help with this. I know its frustrating, and overwelming. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! PTSD is real, its nothing to be ashamed of, do some research on it for urself. Let your wife in on how ur feeling and what happend over there aswell. She needs to know she can know how to help you. Let me tell ya, that stuff can be scary, I lived with my brother and I started researching PTSD and how do deal with it because I felt like I needed to understand it for myself so I could understand him. Understand him is proly the wrong words to use because I know that I never will, but it is scary for the families too. One night my brother cleared our house with a loaded shotgun (sleepwalking), another night I found him playing poker with himslef sitting in the middle of the road, and I mean sitting on his *** in his underwear, on the yellow lines of the road. So yea I get it.
Im open for you to message me, or even ur wife if she needs. You know military families stick together!
Again, Thank You for ur service.
I wish so badly I had advice for you or there was a pill to just make this all go away for you guys, with no side affects. Effexor is a horrible med, it really should be pulled from the market because Ive heard SO many people say the same thing about the electric shocks.
I cannot thank you enough for your service and sacrifice for this beautiful country of ours. My daughter is sleeping so peacefully in her bed right now thanks to you guys.
Also, thank you for writing this post. Ive told my brother I think stories like this, and his should be public because so many people dont truly and deeply appreciate what is actually going on. I just think people need to see the raw emotion that alot of u guys are harboring.
I also think Annie is right about printing this off and taking to ur counselor. Honestly tho, I'd get a different counselor. You have PTSD, I've spent more than enough time with guys comming back from the war with 2 brothers, 3 cousins and an exhusband in the Marines, all Infantry and MP, Im not a doctor, but I think Im qualified to say I know my ****, theyve trained me well.
I found a couselor at the VA clinic close to my town that is an Iraq Vet himself. I called alot of mental health clinics and straight up asked them if they had any counselors that were vets. (and specified Vietnam or Iraq/Afgan Vet) Its up to you, I know everyone is different, I know of some who find it easyer to talk to people who dont have a clue because it forces them to dig deeper to explain and open up, others like my brother get pissed when they hafta talk to POGs about anything because they just dont get it. Perfectly understandable either way.
Please dont give up on getting help with this. I know its frustrating, and overwelming. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! PTSD is real, its nothing to be ashamed of, do some research on it for urself. Let your wife in on how ur feeling and what happend over there aswell. She needs to know she can know how to help you. Let me tell ya, that stuff can be scary, I lived with my brother and I started researching PTSD and how do deal with it because I felt like I needed to understand it for myself so I could understand him. Understand him is proly the wrong words to use because I know that I never will, but it is scary for the families too. One night my brother cleared our house with a loaded shotgun (sleepwalking), another night I found him playing poker with himslef sitting in the middle of the road, and I mean sitting on his *** in his underwear, on the yellow lines of the road. So yea I get it.
Im open for you to message me, or even ur wife if she needs. You know military families stick together!
Again, Thank You for ur service.
Hey bro I was at rustimiyah private msg me if you wanna talk some time. Don't mind tossing you my# I was 11b. Got hopped up on pills for a while so om probably not the best to give advice but lemme know! Get to feeling better!
Hi there first of all i commend you for being able to share what you wne through. not all people are able to share such experiences with other people and what you're doing is a a very good outlet for those experiences or emotions you want to let go of. You can share it here or you may right it down on a journal or a notebook wherever you feel comortable writing, I think it will help you be more calm (you said you are becoming short temepred lately). And Annie is right still have a vet to talk to show your doctor the writings you made about what happened to you it may help them figure what could be causing all your nightmares as well. Goodluck Sir.
Ken, I'm glad you're writing. Sometimes things are too close to talk about because we feel like once we open the door, we'll fall off the edge, but it's still possible to write them out. You might print this and show your counselor. I know it's so hard to open and talk about such open-ended stuff (the fear is always there that it will get worse) but try, little bit by little bit. Do you have other vets you can talk to?
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