I really need help im giving up

[SLadylani]

I need help. Last night I went to the ER...again... because my legs have been getting weaker and collapsing under me, but usually I'm able to get back up. This time I was on the floor for 20 miinutes, my legs were numb and jello like, I had double vission, then they started to tingle ands burn. My friend insisted I called an ambulance, but I didnt want the hub-bub so I drove to the ER with my left foot, as my right foot has an on/off clonus rigfht now.

Long story short the doctor is wonderful at first saying he'll figure out whats going on. I became so scared ands was in so much pain I couldn't extend any of my joints and hjad to be in the fetal position. The security guard kept me company upon which he heard my story.

The doctor came back and started to yell at me saying he looked at my records, found out I was a drug seeker ands could never receive nbarcotic s at that hospital again and that he was gonna discharge me right there. He wouldn't even give me the chance to explain I wasn't asking for narcotics and wasn't going to ask for a prescription, I was just scared that I'd have to be in wheelchair permanately and by this time my left arm was numb as well, m y pulse 141 and short of breath, which are symtpoms of heart attack/stroke or from a panick attack, for which he wouldn't treat me.

He didnt beleive me that with Medi-cal there are waiting lists and I'm switching primarys right now as the old one wasn't doing her job, never faxed the appropriate referrals, no doctors could ever get a hold of her, she thought I was a drug addict and would drug test me each visit, and refused to see me last visit as I was 5 minutes late and they said I had to schedule another apppointment with her...for a month later. So that's why I've been having to go to the ER for scripts.

He said there no such thing as a waiting list and tyhey sould be able to get me in in 2-3 days. I told him I call every day for cancelations, but it's the holiday season/. The security guard witnessed it all and felt so bad for me and the way he treated me was inappropriate.

Next there was a hysterical psych ;lady next to me that no one coukld calm down, I offered to help but the psych consult said no, the doctor says I need to see you next anyways. He ordered a psych consult on me. Basically the hysterically lady, who was screaming and disrupting the entire ER demanded I talkj to her because I had suggestions for her as I had been were she was. After talking to her she stopped screaming and crying and started to be logical again. Top the staff, my helping thwem out went unnoted.

The psych consult said that my stories weren't matching up with all the nurses and doctors and I tiold her thats because I gewt a different diagnosis and instructions each time. I don't know what to say, but I never lie and she could call each doctor, check charting, or talk to my friends to verify everything I said. She didn't believe me and disagreed with pseudoaddiction-she didnt even know what it was.

I left in so much pain and unable to walk.Today I run out of percocet 10/650 and Vicodin 5/500 timers 2 tabs and a muscle relaxer, all of which I take three times a day. I am a hospice nurse and majoring in palliative or comfort care and I cant even get it myself. I have seen miracle when we take patients off all the percocet and vicodin that doesn't work and put them on one pill twice a day-either MS Contin or Oxycontin. Their mood changes, they can function better, they feel better and happier and freeer. But I can't even get a doctor to prescribe vicodin to me anymore, even with the xray of a serious back injury.

Basically I've decided I have to become home bound again and I'm just going to continue to take large amounts of sleeping pills so I can sleep for a long time and hope that by the time I wake up someone will be there to help me. I cannot take the pain anymore.

Last year, my first huge pain flareup, I tried to commit suicide to get away from the pain. I don't want it to get to that point this time. I have 4 years 1 month and 1 week clean/sober today, but am most likely ghoing to relapse to get rid of the pain because when it comes down to it, relapse is probably better than taking my own life,. I worked so hard dfor this clean time, grew so much, and have such a strong message to carry. And to through it all away is just so sad. But I dont have any other options because I dont care what people say, I cant tolerate this pain/.

And my supporting recovering addicts are great, but unless youve been in chronic sever pain yourself its hard to understad. I just don't get why for 23 years of my life I've been in some kind of pain, whether it be emotional mental, spiritual, or physical. Why can any loving God do this to me? Ive been told I will only be given what I can handle, but I cant do this anymore. I dont want to get hgih IO just want the pain gone so I can function becauzse I'vbe nev er been able to be 23 and go out on dates or anything. I've always been sick in some way. and its tragic to think that I have dreams of changeing healthcare and the world, but might not be able to do that because no one cared enough to go out on a limb for me. Any resources, any suggestions, any support or just love would help right now. Thanks. Sara

[SLadylani]

I posted this in the other post
Thanks for everyones warm and even seemingly harsh words, I take them all as wisdom. Just been in bed for past 3-4 days minus appointments, off meds completely, in so much pai I can't tell you. But I'm doing it becauase that's what were told in recovery is that we're not given more than we can handle. We won't have to relapse or explode over anything. Period.

[peekawho]

No forgiving needed!  No worries.

Hope Sara gets some help, too.

[jenny3485]

You are right peekawho. Please forgive me. You didn't say that and I shouldn't have tried to quote. I know I saw it somewhere. Now I think I may be going nuts. Maybe it was another post I read right before. But please forgive me for I really am sorry I said that..... moving on, because I know someone did say that somewhere and now I should be going back to find it, that will just take too much time, and for some reason, that phrase is still in my head. "You are only given as much as you can handle".  If this were true, people wouldn't end it all as much as you see it happening. And Sara, when I said don't live in pain any longer than you have to, just know I didn't mean... end it all. Suicide is not the answer. And though relief may not come tomorrow, the next day, the next day or the next day. It will come. You must believe that. The hardest part is going to be finding those doctors who are willing to work with you. But it can be done. And though it's very understandable you don't want to relapse, you also must go easy on yourself and keep in mind that relapse never would have happened after all these years if it were not for this. You suffered already beating your cravings. Don't live for too long in too much pain if you can find something to help is all I was saying. I didn't want to sound like I was saying go out and relapse, it's ok. Just that sometimes we have no other option. And if your life persists like this, don't live this way if you can help. You kicked it once, you can do it again. But this pain is something that may not ever be kicked without some help. Good luck.

[Ashelen]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree with a lot of what Peek said. I've had severe chronic pain of several types for the last few years, and severe chronic headaches all my life....it's very frustrating, and I've been where you are. For me it was when I was 21/22. The thing that helped me the most was changing my attitude. 20% of pain is how you react to it, and how you think about it.....(I hate when people say pain is ALL in your mind, that's not true, but it is PARTIALLY in your head by how you cope with it).....the best thing you can do is change how you feel about it. If you FEEL like you're at the end and the agony is beating you down...it will. I don't blame you for feeling like giving up, but YOU are the one defeating YOU right now....not the pain. the pain isn't killing you (as in it's not going to put you in the grave just by itself)...so you have to become determined not to let it rule your life.

yes pain medication therapy can help, and you need to find an understanding team who will help you deal with the pain when it gets the worst. but as chronic pain sufferers we have to learn to deal with a certain amount of pain because even the best meds aren't going to help it all...and on your worst days, NOTHING may work. I've been there before. On my very worst days, they've given me dilaudid 4mg and told me to take 2 pills and it did nothing. I was given percocet 10/325 and told to take 2...it did nothing. those days you just have to do your best to get through the pain and know that tomorrow cill come and the pain WILL end.

But at your age, escalating the pain meds you take too high puts you in a bad spot because it means down the line when your pain gets worse (as it will, I'm sure), you won't have anything left to try because you'll build up tolerances too high and you'll have an entire lifetime ahead of you with no pain meds that are strong enough because you're too tolerant to them...so you have eto find the absolute MINIMUM amount of pain meds that can help you function and give you a decent quality of life and stick with that for as long as possible. I'm only 25 so I understand where you're coming from with that. we don't have the luxury that older people do of people able to take crazily strong meds and not worry about our tolerance for the future...it's something that really affects our treatments.


anyway I just wanted to say that you really have to decide in your heart and in your mind to find the pain. not with medication, although that's a large part of pain therapy, but you have to fight it in your heart and mind too. msg me if you ever need to talk....you can do this.

And I recommend right now getting on the smallest amount of narcotics possible to avoid full withdrawals...take it for a few weeks, tough through the pain (I know how hard that is, I'm sorry :-( ) and then once your tolerance is a little lower you can re-try medication therapy with more effective medicines....because right now the only place you can go is up, and almost no doctor is going to be willing to do that with you. so you need to take a step back on the meds...lower your tolerance...and then go back at it.

best of luck!

[peekawho]

I never said anything about God.  I'm not a believer, so I would never say that.

  People are given more than they can handle every day.  You decide how to manage what you find yourself with.   It takes you out of the "victim" mode, and into the coping mode.  

[peekawho]

Sara,

I answered you in you other post, Breaking Point.  It's only my opinion as a fellow nurse and CP'er.    You don't have to agree, but do try to read it in the spirit in which it was offered.
You are very young to be going ing the direction you are headed.  And you are young to have been through the places you describe.  You need a new direction, or your life will not be successful in any way.  

Give it a read, ok?

Take care,
Peek