Aa
No support
Hello, I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Some of you well know that I do not have support from my family with my neck issues and the severe chronic pain. Especially from my parents and my oldest daughter who is now 16 years old.
Just this past weekend I get a phone call from my father. He is basically calling me a liar and tells me that I am not doing anything to fix my problem. Then he continues to raise his voice at me and tells me I need to start making an appointment with a neurosurgeon. I have done this, but they are not believeing me. I've been turned down by two surgeons last year. They stated that my disc herniations are not big enough to operate on according to the MRI's that were taken last year. I had two MRI's and a cat scan.
I just had a conversation with my mother last week. She called me lazy and told me that I'm not doing a single thing to fix my problem. She says that my condition can be fixed and that I just want to sit on my lazy butt and take medicine. The week before that she told me that I was faking my condition and that if I were in true pain that I would be doing something about it. My mother has called me lazy, a bad mother, and a bad wife. She told me if she were in my husbands shoes that she would be sick of me and my inactivity and continued to tell me how sorry she felt for my husband and kids due to my actions.
I'm just floored by this. I was giving her a daily call and I never bring up my neck issues to her. She does not know what medications I take, nor does she know how I'm suffering day to day with the spinal cord injury. My outside family believes that since I'm not taking any action to fix this, that I must be faking it.
I have told her that I've had 14 injections, tens unit, message therapy, PT, trigger point injections, ect.. The list goes on what treatment's I have tried. She tells me that I'm lying to her, but yet she drove me to my injections. When she was driving me to the injections, she told me that I was wasting my time with the doctors because they are not helping me. I even have proof with the MRI there is something majorly wrong, but I'm told that I'm not educated enough to read the reports by them.
My pain has been unbearable for weeks and I finally found out what the possible cause is. The awful part is that this could very well be permanent and I could be headed for a lifetime of pain with my spinal cord being injured. This is absolutely awful and my parents have nothing better to do then tell the entire family how they feel. This makes family functions around holidays impossible for me and it just adds stress. My 16 year old daughter is very close to my parents and my mother and daughter talk about this frequently. My daughter disrepects me and tells me that she is sick of me laying around the house and not doing anything around here. My daughter told me to stop using my neck as an excuse and to get up off my lazy butt and clean the house. My daughter has said the same words as my mother, so I do know they talk about it together. My daughter has no idea how horrible it is that I'm forced to take her to her activities with church, school and friends.
All I have to say is, I thank God everyday for my husband. My husband has been so supportive and he too, is floored with what my parents are putting me through.
I have stopped calling my mother last week and will not call her until she puts this behind her. Unless a miracle happens, I will most likely be in this pain for a long time, if not a lifetime. I try and not to complain to my husband, because I'm sure he gets tired of it too. It's so hard when the pain is unbearable and impossible to manage.
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.
Just this past weekend I get a phone call from my father. He is basically calling me a liar and tells me that I am not doing anything to fix my problem. Then he continues to raise his voice at me and tells me I need to start making an appointment with a neurosurgeon. I have done this, but they are not believeing me. I've been turned down by two surgeons last year. They stated that my disc herniations are not big enough to operate on according to the MRI's that were taken last year. I had two MRI's and a cat scan.
I just had a conversation with my mother last week. She called me lazy and told me that I'm not doing a single thing to fix my problem. She says that my condition can be fixed and that I just want to sit on my lazy butt and take medicine. The week before that she told me that I was faking my condition and that if I were in true pain that I would be doing something about it. My mother has called me lazy, a bad mother, and a bad wife. She told me if she were in my husbands shoes that she would be sick of me and my inactivity and continued to tell me how sorry she felt for my husband and kids due to my actions.
I'm just floored by this. I was giving her a daily call and I never bring up my neck issues to her. She does not know what medications I take, nor does she know how I'm suffering day to day with the spinal cord injury. My outside family believes that since I'm not taking any action to fix this, that I must be faking it.
I have told her that I've had 14 injections, tens unit, message therapy, PT, trigger point injections, ect.. The list goes on what treatment's I have tried. She tells me that I'm lying to her, but yet she drove me to my injections. When she was driving me to the injections, she told me that I was wasting my time with the doctors because they are not helping me. I even have proof with the MRI there is something majorly wrong, but I'm told that I'm not educated enough to read the reports by them.
My pain has been unbearable for weeks and I finally found out what the possible cause is. The awful part is that this could very well be permanent and I could be headed for a lifetime of pain with my spinal cord being injured. This is absolutely awful and my parents have nothing better to do then tell the entire family how they feel. This makes family functions around holidays impossible for me and it just adds stress. My 16 year old daughter is very close to my parents and my mother and daughter talk about this frequently. My daughter disrepects me and tells me that she is sick of me laying around the house and not doing anything around here. My daughter told me to stop using my neck as an excuse and to get up off my lazy butt and clean the house. My daughter has said the same words as my mother, so I do know they talk about it together. My daughter has no idea how horrible it is that I'm forced to take her to her activities with church, school and friends.
All I have to say is, I thank God everyday for my husband. My husband has been so supportive and he too, is floored with what my parents are putting me through.
I have stopped calling my mother last week and will not call her until she puts this behind her. Unless a miracle happens, I will most likely be in this pain for a long time, if not a lifetime. I try and not to complain to my husband, because I'm sure he gets tired of it too. It's so hard when the pain is unbearable and impossible to manage.
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.
Melissa, I really get upset when people tell me that they are afraid that I'm going to get addicted to the pain meds. They have absolutely no idea how they effect me. I have absolutely zero side effects from them and it's almost equivalent as taking ibuprofen. I will suffer and do suffer in severe pain before I would even think about taking a single dose early. I just can't do that. Sometimes I watch the clock and the time goes by very slowly. I'm so anal about the meds, that I do not take any of the BT or LA meds a single minute early. No one knows, but my husband what meds I actually take. I hate being judged all the time. It's hard enough to deal with the pain.
Bex, That is a great thing to do, but there is no way I could push it on the bad days. If I do push myself even a little bit I pay a hefty price. It's a great idea though. I really count on my family picking up my pieces/slack. I mainly focus on keeping the laundry washed and the meals cooked. Clean clothes is very important and so is the food.
I didn't speak with my mother about this today. I was going to, but she never brought it up. In fact, she was being extra nice to me. I don't know what happened. She even took the kids for a few days. The kids were very happy to go. I'm sure this niceness will not last and it will be brought up soon. I will tell her that she is being unfair.
The whole Itouch thing still makes me sick. We were the ones who took it away from my daughter and set it down on the stove. It's gone. We have the number of the Itouch and are going to take this with the police. If the Itouch is going to be sold/pawned, we have a chance of getting it back. I'm listing a few things on ebay to try and make up the money to buy a new one.
Bex, That is a great thing to do, but there is no way I could push it on the bad days. If I do push myself even a little bit I pay a hefty price. It's a great idea though. I really count on my family picking up my pieces/slack. I mainly focus on keeping the laundry washed and the meals cooked. Clean clothes is very important and so is the food.
I didn't speak with my mother about this today. I was going to, but she never brought it up. In fact, she was being extra nice to me. I don't know what happened. She even took the kids for a few days. The kids were very happy to go. I'm sure this niceness will not last and it will be brought up soon. I will tell her that she is being unfair.
The whole Itouch thing still makes me sick. We were the ones who took it away from my daughter and set it down on the stove. It's gone. We have the number of the Itouch and are going to take this with the police. If the Itouch is going to be sold/pawned, we have a chance of getting it back. I'm listing a few things on ebay to try and make up the money to buy a new one.
Hi All-
I have been reading these comments and many on the board over the past few weeks. I really can empathize with each and every single one of you.
I just wanted to share something with you that I have found to be very helpful over the last week and a half....
I suffer from back and neck pain, migranes, memory loss, PTSD, depression and anxiety from a car accident just over 5 months ago. I have been struggling to keep up with my house. When the house is dirty, everyone is cranky and upset and a lot less forgiving of the little things. I came across this website called flylady where she has detailed plans of starting routines so you can get back to taking control of your life. I am in no way affiliated with this, I just wanted to share something with you all that you may be interested in. Anyway, she starts out teaching you to clean your sink and be proud of that. I have to admit, there is something about cleaning my sink everyday that makes me continue to clean other things, even when I am in pain. Yes, somedays are too painful to do much. But, she teaches you that you can take just 5 or 15 minutes and clean something up and you will feel much better and you won't wear yourself out that way. That was something that has been hard for me in all of this pain. I have a good day, I do WAY too much, and then the next few days I am in so much pain. Even from a 5 day long migrane that won't go away and I have it when I go to sleep and wake up with it, I still kept my sinks clean and I wanted to take care of the few things I could do to make me and my husband happy from seeing a clean house!
I just wanted to share that with you all. I hope each and every one of you can find some way to get some support from your family. It is very difficult when our own family is not there to support us through this journey.
I have been reading these comments and many on the board over the past few weeks. I really can empathize with each and every single one of you.
I just wanted to share something with you that I have found to be very helpful over the last week and a half....
I suffer from back and neck pain, migranes, memory loss, PTSD, depression and anxiety from a car accident just over 5 months ago. I have been struggling to keep up with my house. When the house is dirty, everyone is cranky and upset and a lot less forgiving of the little things. I came across this website called flylady where she has detailed plans of starting routines so you can get back to taking control of your life. I am in no way affiliated with this, I just wanted to share something with you all that you may be interested in. Anyway, she starts out teaching you to clean your sink and be proud of that. I have to admit, there is something about cleaning my sink everyday that makes me continue to clean other things, even when I am in pain. Yes, somedays are too painful to do much. But, she teaches you that you can take just 5 or 15 minutes and clean something up and you will feel much better and you won't wear yourself out that way. That was something that has been hard for me in all of this pain. I have a good day, I do WAY too much, and then the next few days I am in so much pain. Even from a 5 day long migrane that won't go away and I have it when I go to sleep and wake up with it, I still kept my sinks clean and I wanted to take care of the few things I could do to make me and my husband happy from seeing a clean house!
I just wanted to share that with you all. I hope each and every one of you can find some way to get some support from your family. It is very difficult when our own family is not there to support us through this journey.
I am so sorry you are going through this ! It is terrible that your Mom would plant ideas like that in your daughters head. I would definitely let them know this is not acceptable. I also have been dealing with pain issues for the last 2 yrs .After my surgery my hubby and son did everything for me .Even later they helped out a lot .But, now they expect things to go back to the way they used to be.When I did everything and wanted to be Martha Stewart.It's my own fault because I spoiled them and did everything for them .But, there are days I simply can't do anything.I have to say when I am really hurting my hubby will cook and wash dishes and pick up a bit .Mostly ,though I do it all.Before all this my house was spotless .I loved to clean it and took a lot of pride in it.It doesn't look that way now .I used to let that bother me so bad but now I just do what I can and let that be enough .Most of my family has passed away so I really can't say how they would deal with me now.I have one sister that is all the family I have left.She had numerous back surgeries and became addicted to pain meds.Last year she was indicted on 22 charges of Dr shopping .She went to jail but was lucky enough to get into Drug court .She detoxed and has been clean and sober ever since last Nov.She knows that I am in pain management and is scared for me as far as being addicted.For a time I thought I was addicted.Now I know that I am dependent not addicted .As far as my hubbys family a lot of them have had surgeries or ailments and are understanding about my pain and need for medication.Sorry I wrote my life story here .I am really sorry for what you are going through.If someone in my family treated me that way I would be so hurt and angry.And messing with your daughters head is so wrong It is so hard just dealing with pain itself without having this added stress.I really hope things start going better for you .You always will have friends here that do understand and can sympathize with what you are going through.Take care Melissa
Totie, this has everything to do with chronic pain. I have been living with this severe pain for two years. My family is tired of it. I'm useless to them and this is how I get repaid for the things I can not do. My daughter must pick up some of the slack that I am unable to do. This is a way of her rebeling. She is a teenager and far from being perfect. I do not allow this in our house. Even though I'm only 35 years old, I'm not able to stand up and speak up for myself at times when the pain is so severe. My pain takes over my thoughts and my actions. I'm stuck on the couch or bed with an ice pack glued to my neck. This is an awful life. I do wish the people who were not in chronic pain live in my shoes for at least a few months or more. Then maybe they would respect me a little more. My pain has been unbearable for the last few weeks or so due to my spinal cord being compressed. My family would NEVER understand how I feel unless they walked in my shoes.
Too me most of what I read on this topic should not be related to "chronic pain", it has to do with "respect to you by others". I won't get into the "what I would do", for every household is different.
Regardless of your health, (even if your healthy), NO one should be treated by disrespect from their own kids or parents without cause. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you, that is all I will say on this subject.
Regardless of your health, (even if your healthy), NO one should be treated by disrespect from their own kids or parents without cause. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you, that is all I will say on this subject.
I can't believe the itouch was stolen that is so wrong and I hope the person that did it feels really bad for it. I thought maybe it would back fire if you took them to the appts so that is why i said maybe it isn't a good idea.
I hope your daughter starts treating you better really soon cause it is not right. Has she every really hurt herself? My son always askes what my pain feels like and I tell him it feels like you did after your sugery, and he will say OUCH lol he is to cute.
Hang in there my friend
((((HUGS))))
Jamie
I hope your daughter starts treating you better really soon cause it is not right. Has she every really hurt herself? My son always askes what my pain feels like and I tell him it feels like you did after your sugery, and he will say OUCH lol he is to cute.
Hang in there my friend
((((HUGS))))
Jamie
My Dear,
I'm SOOOO sorry for what you are having to go thru!! NO ONE should have to bear what you are.
I don't have ANYTHING to add. EVERYONE has given you some REALLY good advice and I just hope that you can use some of it to help you with this TERRIBLE position that you have been put in by your OWN parents!! I can't think of ANYTHING worse than that.
I'm TRULY sorry for you my Dear.
You're in my Thoughts and Prayers not only for your Health but for your Personal issues also.....Sherry
I'm SOOOO sorry for what you are having to go thru!! NO ONE should have to bear what you are.
I don't have ANYTHING to add. EVERYONE has given you some REALLY good advice and I just hope that you can use some of it to help you with this TERRIBLE position that you have been put in by your OWN parents!! I can't think of ANYTHING worse than that.
I'm TRULY sorry for you my Dear.
You're in my Thoughts and Prayers not only for your Health but for your Personal issues also.....Sherry
"What type of pain management therapy are you suggesting? At the clinic we have a pain psychicatrist. Would this person work out? I've been thinking of setting up an appointment with them, especially with my anxiety. I have horrible anxiety since I've been dealing with the pain. "
That would be perfect. Please go ahead and do that.
I'm glad you are setting boundaries. In the long run, it's best for you and everyone else involved. Stay Strong!!
Sara
Wow, thank you everyone for the overwhelming support! All of you have made some really good suggestions. I'm going to have to set the boundaries with my mother and the entire family. If she does not accept these boundaries, I'm going to have to distant our family from them and that includes my oldest daughter. My parents have always treated my 16 year old much better then any other grandchild they have. Both my brother and I see this. This makes my brother angry at me and it's not my fault. I wasn't going to call my mother this week, but I think I will get on the phone and talk to her to set these boundaries. There is no reason they should be trying to control my life when I'm an adult. They should not be name calling me and saying the things they do and especially discussing this with my daughter.
My husband is wonderful. He gets just as frusterated as I do with all of these situations. However, I will leave my husband out of this when I deal with my parents. Bringing him into this could possibly backfire.
I've taken away my daughter Itouch and on Friday when we took it away, we set it down on the Kitchen stove and it was stolen. Unbelievable. We have kids running in and out, we had 2 kids sleep over that night as well. I'm afraid now the Itouch is gone and we need to replace it. We have absolutely no money and we owe our daughter a letter jacket too. Of course its the 32 gigabite one. This Itouch means the world to her. My husband and I have both sat down with my daughter and told her how serious my situation is and that I'm not able to do anything. We told her we are working on trying to make things better.
What type of pain management therapy are you suggesting? At the clinic we have a pain psychicatrist. Would this person work out? I've been thinking of setting up an appointment with them, especially with my anxiety. I have horrible anxiety since I've been dealing with the pain.
There is no possible way I'd bring any of my family other then my husband to my doctors appointments. I'd be so afraid that it would backfire and I do not want to lose the wonderful care I recieve now.
Thank you all again for the wonderful support!
My husband is wonderful. He gets just as frusterated as I do with all of these situations. However, I will leave my husband out of this when I deal with my parents. Bringing him into this could possibly backfire.
I've taken away my daughter Itouch and on Friday when we took it away, we set it down on the Kitchen stove and it was stolen. Unbelievable. We have kids running in and out, we had 2 kids sleep over that night as well. I'm afraid now the Itouch is gone and we need to replace it. We have absolutely no money and we owe our daughter a letter jacket too. Of course its the 32 gigabite one. This Itouch means the world to her. My husband and I have both sat down with my daughter and told her how serious my situation is and that I'm not able to do anything. We told her we are working on trying to make things better.
What type of pain management therapy are you suggesting? At the clinic we have a pain psychicatrist. Would this person work out? I've been thinking of setting up an appointment with them, especially with my anxiety. I have horrible anxiety since I've been dealing with the pain.
There is no possible way I'd bring any of my family other then my husband to my doctors appointments. I'd be so afraid that it would backfire and I do not want to lose the wonderful care I recieve now.
Thank you all again for the wonderful support!
I am so sorry. My husband took a long time to "get it". He would scream at me at the top of his lungs about the housework, the kids, the errand, whatever he could think of. After putting 2 of our children in therapy and my daughter became suicidal because she was afraid he would kill me and she didn't want to face life in the house with him without me around, the buffer. He finally got it when he had to sit in a counselor's office and listen to what she was going through because of him.
Anyway, my situation is only relevant in that sometimes it takes something major to shock our loved ones into reality. And sadly, some will never get it.
My advice to you is this: Your parents have become toxic to you. I'm not saying cut them out of your life completely but limit contact. If your daughters go over there, stop that and make your parents come to your home to visit your daughters. One mention, one word, one look, anything is enough to tell them you believe it's time they left. When they can refrain from this irrational behavior, they are free to return. You need to supervise the visits. If your parents call you and wish to speak to your daughters, insist that you listen in on the other line. Block their numbers from your daughter's cell phones if they have them. And when they call you to berate you again, calmly tell them you are hanging up now. When they can refrain from their abusive behavior, please call back. Find anyone else to take you for medical treatment. A taxi driver is better than listening to someone berate and degrade you!
I'm sorry if this sounds extreme but I've dealt with toxic relatives before. You MUST set clear and firm boundaries. And stick to them!!!!! Don't be lulled into complacency. This will be very hard at first but will get better with time. They have the choice. To either stop verbally attacking and abusing you or the contact remains limited. Put the ball in their court. I know this sounds cold and hard to do but you have your own physical and mental health to deal with. You can't deal with them until they learn to mind their manners. It's for your own good.
Also, if you don't already see a therapist, please make an appointment with one. A pain therapist would be best but at this point, whoever you can get in to see would be better than nothing.
Good luck sweetie. Please let us know how you're doing. You go on the prayer list.
Sara
Anyway, my situation is only relevant in that sometimes it takes something major to shock our loved ones into reality. And sadly, some will never get it.
My advice to you is this: Your parents have become toxic to you. I'm not saying cut them out of your life completely but limit contact. If your daughters go over there, stop that and make your parents come to your home to visit your daughters. One mention, one word, one look, anything is enough to tell them you believe it's time they left. When they can refrain from this irrational behavior, they are free to return. You need to supervise the visits. If your parents call you and wish to speak to your daughters, insist that you listen in on the other line. Block their numbers from your daughter's cell phones if they have them. And when they call you to berate you again, calmly tell them you are hanging up now. When they can refrain from their abusive behavior, please call back. Find anyone else to take you for medical treatment. A taxi driver is better than listening to someone berate and degrade you!
I'm sorry if this sounds extreme but I've dealt with toxic relatives before. You MUST set clear and firm boundaries. And stick to them!!!!! Don't be lulled into complacency. This will be very hard at first but will get better with time. They have the choice. To either stop verbally attacking and abusing you or the contact remains limited. Put the ball in their court. I know this sounds cold and hard to do but you have your own physical and mental health to deal with. You can't deal with them until they learn to mind their manners. It's for your own good.
Also, if you don't already see a therapist, please make an appointment with one. A pain therapist would be best but at this point, whoever you can get in to see would be better than nothing.
Good luck sweetie. Please let us know how you're doing. You go on the prayer list.
Sara
I am so sorry for your situation. I apologize for not responding sooner. I've been a bit busy on the Forum and my pain level is high. But I could not close my laptop before responding to you.
Not only do your parents appear to be heartless, they are teaching your daughter to be the same. Have you thought of restricting your daughter from seeing her grandparents? I would absolutely refuse to allow my parents access to my minor child if they were not instilling good values, a kind heart and understanding and acceptance of our fellow man. If they are not teaching her to be considerate of you, how can they possibly be teaching her to be considerate of others? Even at 16 she is still your child, your responsibility. Your parents should be ashamed of the wedge they are driving between the two of you. A mother-daughter bond should be special.
How does your husband feel about the way your parents and daughter treat you? He should be able to intervene with your daughter. I would ask for his help. He seems like a wonderful man and this must hurt him also.
Another thought is to enlist the help of her minister. If she is going to church she doesn't seem to be practicing the teachings of christianity. In all actuality she may be ashamed of her crudeness to you. I doubt she would want the minister to know how she is treating you. He may also be of some assistance.
I also agree with the suggestion to take away privileges when she is rude and fresh mouthed. Why would you reward her for cruelty. You poor hear, you should not have to tolerate her disrespectful behavior.
If my parents talked to me the way your parents talk to you I would refuse to communicate with them. They would not be over for a visit nor would I call them. As long as they are so disrespectful to you and display this disrespect in front of your daughter, they would be terminated from my life.....until they had the courtesy to show respect. They are still treating you like a child instead of the woman you are. I know this would be difficult and my heart aches for you. But I encourage you to take a stand.
You do count, you are worthy.
Are you in any kind of pain management therapy? If not I would suggest that discuss this with your physician and request a referral. A good therapist can help not only with your pain but in teaching you how to deal successfully with the reactions and relationship with your parents and daughter.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing. We all can offer our advice or suggestions but we are not in your shoes. Please do what you can to remedy the situation. We are here for you. You can count on us.
My Best to You,
~Tuck
Not only do your parents appear to be heartless, they are teaching your daughter to be the same. Have you thought of restricting your daughter from seeing her grandparents? I would absolutely refuse to allow my parents access to my minor child if they were not instilling good values, a kind heart and understanding and acceptance of our fellow man. If they are not teaching her to be considerate of you, how can they possibly be teaching her to be considerate of others? Even at 16 she is still your child, your responsibility. Your parents should be ashamed of the wedge they are driving between the two of you. A mother-daughter bond should be special.
How does your husband feel about the way your parents and daughter treat you? He should be able to intervene with your daughter. I would ask for his help. He seems like a wonderful man and this must hurt him also.
Another thought is to enlist the help of her minister. If she is going to church she doesn't seem to be practicing the teachings of christianity. In all actuality she may be ashamed of her crudeness to you. I doubt she would want the minister to know how she is treating you. He may also be of some assistance.
I also agree with the suggestion to take away privileges when she is rude and fresh mouthed. Why would you reward her for cruelty. You poor hear, you should not have to tolerate her disrespectful behavior.
If my parents talked to me the way your parents talk to you I would refuse to communicate with them. They would not be over for a visit nor would I call them. As long as they are so disrespectful to you and display this disrespect in front of your daughter, they would be terminated from my life.....until they had the courtesy to show respect. They are still treating you like a child instead of the woman you are. I know this would be difficult and my heart aches for you. But I encourage you to take a stand.
You do count, you are worthy.
Are you in any kind of pain management therapy? If not I would suggest that discuss this with your physician and request a referral. A good therapist can help not only with your pain but in teaching you how to deal successfully with the reactions and relationship with your parents and daughter.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing. We all can offer our advice or suggestions but we are not in your shoes. Please do what you can to remedy the situation. We are here for you. You can count on us.
My Best to You,
~Tuck
I forget how lucky I am sometimes. My husband is just great and will work from 4am until 7pm and come home and cook and clean if I have had a very bad day. I rarely let him do this as it makes me feel so guilty. My son who is 22 the 21st is the same way he helps me alot. He came to see me one day and went and bought polish for my hardwood floors and did them without me even asking him to! My two girls 6 and 7 always help me out too.
The first thing I would tell you is to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, you and your husband and tell her that you both will NOT tolerate her disrespecting you in your own home ever again. I would then talk with your Mom ( you and your husband) and tell her that you will not have your daughter showing you disrespect in any way and that it is very inappropriate for her to discuss her opinions of your medical situation with your daughter. Let her know that you will not allow your daughter to speak to you in such a manner and that you will discipline her for it and if she continues to contribute to this she is only hurting her granddaughter as well as you.
My son would never speak to me in such a manner because he KNOWS I would never allow it, ever! Let your daughter know this and stick to it!
You can try and educate your family on chronic pain but to be honest they have to want to learn to try and understand. I know it is so very hard on you with this, you have no support but you have those whom you love and love you making your situation worse.
I will be glad to send you some material on chronic pain to send them. You never know maybe it will help them understand what you go thru each day.
I know it is difficult but you must let your family know that you will NOT allow them to treat you this way. Explain to them that you have a medical problem and that you will be more than glad to help them understand and will even allow them to accompany you to a doctor's appointment so that they can ask questions but you will no longer allow them to treat you in the manner they have been.
You did not ask for this, you did not ask to be in pain and hurt everyday and they have no right to make you feel like your lazy or less of a person because they just will not take the time or effort to understand what your going thru.
Do not allow your daughter to see them unless they refrain from the derogatory remarks against you.
Do not allow them to do this to you any longer, as long as you allow it and do not stand up for yourself they will continue to do this to you.
It is really a shame what your having to go thru because you had no say in whether you got hurt or if your in pain. The stress alone from this is making your pain levels soar!
Let them know you will not allow this to happen anymore. there is plenty of info out there so they can understand what your medical situation is.
I am so sorry your going thru this but do not allow it to go on one minute longer.
We are all here for you:)
The first thing I would tell you is to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, you and your husband and tell her that you both will NOT tolerate her disrespecting you in your own home ever again. I would then talk with your Mom ( you and your husband) and tell her that you will not have your daughter showing you disrespect in any way and that it is very inappropriate for her to discuss her opinions of your medical situation with your daughter. Let her know that you will not allow your daughter to speak to you in such a manner and that you will discipline her for it and if she continues to contribute to this she is only hurting her granddaughter as well as you.
My son would never speak to me in such a manner because he KNOWS I would never allow it, ever! Let your daughter know this and stick to it!
You can try and educate your family on chronic pain but to be honest they have to want to learn to try and understand. I know it is so very hard on you with this, you have no support but you have those whom you love and love you making your situation worse.
I will be glad to send you some material on chronic pain to send them. You never know maybe it will help them understand what you go thru each day.
I know it is difficult but you must let your family know that you will NOT allow them to treat you this way. Explain to them that you have a medical problem and that you will be more than glad to help them understand and will even allow them to accompany you to a doctor's appointment so that they can ask questions but you will no longer allow them to treat you in the manner they have been.
You did not ask for this, you did not ask to be in pain and hurt everyday and they have no right to make you feel like your lazy or less of a person because they just will not take the time or effort to understand what your going thru.
Do not allow your daughter to see them unless they refrain from the derogatory remarks against you.
Do not allow them to do this to you any longer, as long as you allow it and do not stand up for yourself they will continue to do this to you.
It is really a shame what your having to go thru because you had no say in whether you got hurt or if your in pain. The stress alone from this is making your pain levels soar!
Let them know you will not allow this to happen anymore. there is plenty of info out there so they can understand what your medical situation is.
I am so sorry your going thru this but do not allow it to go on one minute longer.
We are all here for you:)
Oh man all of you are dealing with alot in your lives...not only the pain but also the added non support from family. How everyone loves to have opinions when they are ignorant of our condition....thats easier than trying to read and become informed isn't it.
But man it hurts. I too have a 40 yo daughter who refuses to understand and talk about it....we have to let it go there are no other options. We know its not in our heads we are not intentionally lazy or limited, how we would all love to have a 'normal' life and participate in our families lives..
Thank God for a place where we can get understanding and support and also just vent at times when we need too.
A better tomorrow for us all!
But man it hurts. I too have a 40 yo daughter who refuses to understand and talk about it....we have to let it go there are no other options. We know its not in our heads we are not intentionally lazy or limited, how we would all love to have a 'normal' life and participate in our families lives..
Thank God for a place where we can get understanding and support and also just vent at times when we need too.
A better tomorrow for us all!
I'm sorry to hear your family is so awful to you. My family can be really awful to me, too and when they get that way I just tell them how it honestly is and that I don't need their negativity in my life. After a while, they call me and we start talking again, and since the last time my mother really went off about it, and we didn't talk for a while, she hasn't done it again.
As for what you CAN do about these people. Don't talk to them. I know it's hard when they're family, but they have to realize that if they are not going to be supportive and what family SHOULD be for you at a time of need, then you don't need them in your life.
As for you daughter. Like Jamie said, take away priveleges. If your daughter cannot behave respectfully to her mother and do her chores, then she doesn't deserve priveleges, she doesn't deserve to be chauffered to her activities by her mother whom she doesn't respect. You also said she goes to church. Maybe show her the verses in the Bible about respecting your mother and father, etc. I know it's hard to do but she needs to learn respect for authority before she tries that crap on her future boss and other authority figures such as police. I also agree that she doesn't need to be talking to your mother if your mother is just a well of poison to her.
One thing I have done with my kids, which has helped them to understand my condition, is shown them on the computer what herniated discs look like. What a normal spine looks like, and what a herniated disc looks like. I haven't shown them an aneurysm because I don't want them to worry too much. My kids seem to understand that I cannot do what other moms can do and they are okay with that. I think partly because I make up for it in things I can do, like doing their laundry, talking to them about books, reading the books they read so we can talk about them together, watching TV with them, praying with them every night no matter how tired or in pain I am, etc. My kids are 13 (in August) and 9. My step-daughter who is 7 doesn't understand as much because she isn't here as often to see my times of the hardest pain but she takes her cues from the other kids and we all explain things in basic terms to her about me and she seems to understand.
I still have trouble motivating the kids to do housework when I can't do it myself, but we they are at least getting good about doing some chores and understanding that I just can't.
I think it your case it might be best if your husband explains these things to your daughter and tells her that no matter what your mother says, your pain and condition is real, you've done all you can, and you live in pain. Sometimes it's best if they hear the truth from someone else.
I'm sorry for rambling. I really hope that some of our suggestions work for you and that your situation gets better.
As for what you CAN do about these people. Don't talk to them. I know it's hard when they're family, but they have to realize that if they are not going to be supportive and what family SHOULD be for you at a time of need, then you don't need them in your life.
As for you daughter. Like Jamie said, take away priveleges. If your daughter cannot behave respectfully to her mother and do her chores, then she doesn't deserve priveleges, she doesn't deserve to be chauffered to her activities by her mother whom she doesn't respect. You also said she goes to church. Maybe show her the verses in the Bible about respecting your mother and father, etc. I know it's hard to do but she needs to learn respect for authority before she tries that crap on her future boss and other authority figures such as police. I also agree that she doesn't need to be talking to your mother if your mother is just a well of poison to her.
One thing I have done with my kids, which has helped them to understand my condition, is shown them on the computer what herniated discs look like. What a normal spine looks like, and what a herniated disc looks like. I haven't shown them an aneurysm because I don't want them to worry too much. My kids seem to understand that I cannot do what other moms can do and they are okay with that. I think partly because I make up for it in things I can do, like doing their laundry, talking to them about books, reading the books they read so we can talk about them together, watching TV with them, praying with them every night no matter how tired or in pain I am, etc. My kids are 13 (in August) and 9. My step-daughter who is 7 doesn't understand as much because she isn't here as often to see my times of the hardest pain but she takes her cues from the other kids and we all explain things in basic terms to her about me and she seems to understand.
I still have trouble motivating the kids to do housework when I can't do it myself, but we they are at least getting good about doing some chores and understanding that I just can't.
I think it your case it might be best if your husband explains these things to your daughter and tells her that no matter what your mother says, your pain and condition is real, you've done all you can, and you live in pain. Sometimes it's best if they hear the truth from someone else.
I'm sorry for rambling. I really hope that some of our suggestions work for you and that your situation gets better.
I'm lucky that my daughter isn't fresh in talking to me, though she knows better than that. But I wish she would just help a bit. She wants all the benefits of being an adult, yet none of the responsibility. And I would like her to be a bit more empathetic. Every once in a while she can be okay about it, but she doesn't even like talking about it.
You are lucky you have a supportive husband, though. I have a BF who is very understanding but because of his own pain issues, isn't in my everyday life to help. But it's still nice to have someone in my life that actually understands.
I would, though, cut back on your daughter's visits with your mom. Even if your mom feels like she does, she has NO RIGHT to talk to your daughter about it. She should no encourage your daughter to be disrespectful.
You are lucky you have a supportive husband, though. I have a BF who is very understanding but because of his own pain issues, isn't in my everyday life to help. But it's still nice to have someone in my life that actually understands.
I would, though, cut back on your daughter's visits with your mom. Even if your mom feels like she does, she has NO RIGHT to talk to your daughter about it. She should no encourage your daughter to be disrespectful.
I am so sorry I had no clue your daughter was doing this also, man that makes things even worse. Has your husband talked to your daughter about what she says to you? I am sure he is such a great man he has and it hasn't worked. I would start taking stuff alway from her for talking to you like that, I dont know if that works on 16 year olds or not but it works on my 12 year old daughter. She hurt her leg once and there was nothing wrong with it so I told her to rub some dirt on it and this was on facebook, well she posted back "Rub some dirt on your face that you say hurts all the time if it even hurts" I got into her account and deleted the comment and then told her if she EVER does that again she will lose her facebook account, she kept saying she was sorry and she didn't mean it like that but I took it like that.
Is there anyway you can take them to a appt with you? Mabye your pain dr can tell them how bad this is and how bad the pain is? It is only a idea but then it could back fire also they can tell him there is no way your in that much pain so I am not sure if that is a good idea now that I think about it. I am always thinking of you and hoping things get better for you. I feel so bad that you are going thru this and send you lots of soft hugs.
Jamie
Is there anyway you can take them to a appt with you? Mabye your pain dr can tell them how bad this is and how bad the pain is? It is only a idea but then it could back fire also they can tell him there is no way your in that much pain so I am not sure if that is a good idea now that I think about it. I am always thinking of you and hoping things get better for you. I feel so bad that you are going thru this and send you lots of soft hugs.
Jamie
So sorry you're dealing with this. I have it, too, though not to that extent. My ex-husband tells me, my kids, and anyone within ear shot that I'm a drug addict. My sister sort of rolls her eyes. They know I've had 8 surgeries and my hand is obviously deformed. I can't even hold a gallon of milk in that hand.
I have 4 kids. My oldest daughter is going to be 18 in about 2 weeks. She does nothing to help. Not a load of laundry, not cleaning up after dinner. She complains that I do take out too much, but the truth is, it's hard to cook. I can't peel potatoes or chop things because I can't hold anything in that hand. I have a hard time driving and only drive places I'm familiar with, both because I find it hard to turn the wheel and because of all the medication.
My dad is okay. I think he feels bad, but he's 82 and has his own worries, especially now. Everyone seems to forget that I'm dealing with pain all the time, even with medication.
Most of the time I just plug along, but like you, I have to vent once in a while. This morning my sister came over to make an Irish breakfast for my dad. She wanted me to come down and talk to her while she cooked. I said, "Sorry, I was up most of the night; so I'm taking my coffee and going back to bed."
It's sad that people can't understand. If you had a broken leg, they'd be more accommodating, but when they can't see the problem easily, they like to believe it's in your head.
Wish I had some advice for you, but I can only empathize.
I have 4 kids. My oldest daughter is going to be 18 in about 2 weeks. She does nothing to help. Not a load of laundry, not cleaning up after dinner. She complains that I do take out too much, but the truth is, it's hard to cook. I can't peel potatoes or chop things because I can't hold anything in that hand. I have a hard time driving and only drive places I'm familiar with, both because I find it hard to turn the wheel and because of all the medication.
My dad is okay. I think he feels bad, but he's 82 and has his own worries, especially now. Everyone seems to forget that I'm dealing with pain all the time, even with medication.
Most of the time I just plug along, but like you, I have to vent once in a while. This morning my sister came over to make an Irish breakfast for my dad. She wanted me to come down and talk to her while she cooked. I said, "Sorry, I was up most of the night; so I'm taking my coffee and going back to bed."
It's sad that people can't understand. If you had a broken leg, they'd be more accommodating, but when they can't see the problem easily, they like to believe it's in your head.
Wish I had some advice for you, but I can only empathize.
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you need a way to share your 'world' with her... It sounds like she needs to practice a little empathy. The next time she makes a comment about how lazy you are being because of your pain, ask her to put a small rock in the bottom of her shoe and to leave it there for the day (maybe she could do a couple of chores with it in her shoe). She probably would not even make it past an hour - but the point is she needs to begin to know what it feels like to have pain that is relentless. Tell her to take that hour of discomfort and multiply that times every minute of every day.
I know that at my son's school the kids all have to do a volunteer community project. Some kids volunteer at the hospital reading books to people with severe illnesses. Some help the elderly with meals on wheels - understanding how some elderly cannot even make their own meals. Whatever they choose, it has to impact the community. The kids all have to write a report (with visuals, like posters, slide shows, video, etc,,) on their volunteer project and present it to their class.
She just needs to walk a mile....in someone's shoes.
I never speak to my mother about my back pain. Her favorite phrase when we were kids was... 'keep breathing, you'll be fine."
She never was empathetic to others in pain. I even remember how angry she was the day she got a call from my summer camp because I had broken my wrist. She was so angry she had to leave work and take me to the doctor. I kept praying the doctor would say it was broken and not just sprained... I figured she couldn't yell at me in front of him if it was broken (it was...and he had to manually set it in front of her). My mother in-law came out to help me when I had back surgery and 3 kids under the age of 6.... NOT my mother.
My mom just doesn't get - and never has. She just doesn't have empathy (she was raised in an orphanage - maybe that is why..) If I am in terrible pain when she calls me, I just let it go to machine and call her back when I am feeling better.
My father, however, has had multiple back surgeries himself and he can totally empathize with me - it's great to be able to talk to someone who has had similar problems.
My husband has never even broken a bone and deep down I swear he believes that if I were to stop eating chocolate every night and began to take many, many, multi-vitamins on a daily basis, I would be fine. But he has seen me in pain, he knows it's real. I also take the time to educate him with the radiologist's reports, MRI's and doctors recommendations. He knows I am on pain medication - but they do not change who I am - they make me MORE like the person he married... so, he accepts the fact I need them to function daily.
My kids? Well, I am lucky. having 3 momma's boys - they would lasso the moon if I needed it. My oldest is 16 and never even comments about what I can't do (not that he or his brothers would care if the bathroom did not get clean) but they totally understand, too. They have seen their mom in such pain, I think it scared them. I never want to be in that kind of pain again in front of them (another reason to avoid surgery right now). The only thing that embarasses my younger two?... my cane. Although it's a huge step up from the walker I had to use for months, I avoid using it when I go out with them. if I have to walk slower, they just wait for me... if I have to sit, they find me a chair... if I have to watch their game from my car - they get it. They will even empty the dishwasher so I don't have to bend so much. I am very lucky with my boys.
As far as everone else... I do not talk about it. Even if they ask, I say I am doing great and thanks for asking. I find that having a couple of people I can speak to over the phone or in person AND ALL OF YOU - is enough for me.
I think (but I am not an expert..lol) the best thing you can do now is to stop talking to your parents about it. if they bring it up - just say, " I am fine, thanks for asking". If they ask if you have an appointment, say, " yes - but I can't remember the date off hand" (then change the subject). If they ask how things went at the appointment, just say, " fine!, thanks for asking, mom.."... (then change the subject). It will take a while - but if you stick to this, they will eventually stop asking.
You might even want to tell your daughter that if grandma or grandpa ask her about you, you would like to her respond in a similar fashion.. Mom says she is fine"
You do not need your parent's support - you have a wonderful husband and US !!!