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Ok! help.. Answer this Question.
This is my first post so stay with me if I do this wrong. First a brief description of myself. Im 34 yrs old. I have had 5 spine surgeries. 2x failed micro diskectomy, L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1 PLIF, 1x removal of hardwear, L1-L2, L2-L3 fusion. So either way my back hurts constantly, as it should after all that. I have struggled with alcohol abuse, and medication abuse. I have about 6mth's free from drinking, not a problem, i just feel better. Now I am currently taking pain med's, Oxycontin 60mg 1am -1pm, and Oxycontin 40mg 2 @ lunch. I can say it has helped the most with the pain. Also, it has ended the battle of the old IR meds. Ya know when ya run out because 2 is better than 1. Now my question: I feel guilty about taking the meds. I know I need them because this hurts. My wife has been a big supporter with all of this. She says I need to quit making a big deal out of this and just take the med's because they work. I agree, but still at least once a month I want to get rid of them all and not even deal with it. I take a few days off of the meds a month, usually between a week - to two weeks off. I do this to keep my system in check, and also to prove to myself I can stop this at any time. Now when I do this the pain comes back and it takes a day or two to catch back up. Im miserable during this time (no meds), pain and grumpy with not much I can do on my feet but for more than a few minutes. Its a huge internal struggle for me. To take or not... I dont like the med's, but they help. I dont get my jollies off of them either. I dont misuse or abuse, thought I have in the past (mainly with short acting med's). So my question is, how do I get through the turmoil of this? Its a big decision to make. I can take the meds and live relatively free of total discomfort, or not and be in pain all the time. I have to deal with this for ever, so I need to find either comfort in taking them or to find comfort in not taking them. My reason for not wanting to take them is because of my history and Im tired of the medication roller coaster that this is. Pain meds are not like other med's, you are looked at and questioned by everyone. So you start to feel like the people who use for recreation. Any thought of reason would help.......
Best Answer
Hello, it's nice to meet you. I am new here as well. I don't think I can be much help as I am learning and struggling as well. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly what you are feeling though, it is completely normal. Stopping your meds abruptly like this is probably not a good idea though. There is no shame in being in pain and as I have learned you have to stand up for yourself and your quality of life. I have never taken Oxycontin, my pain meds have been Percocet, so I can't totally relate to the effects. I know enough to know that the Oxycontin are much stronger meds than the Percocet. There are many more experienced members that I know will be much more helpful to you. Welcome and blessings to you.
Very nice to meet you. I find that one med or another is all the same. Most have medical needs for them. Im just trying to find peace within me to either continue taking them or not. Both options have ramifications. I just am so tired of making the wrong decision. My quality of life is quite poor with out them (pain wise). But if I take them its always like im battling the idea that it is wrong to do so. How do you stand up for your quality of life? How can I find peace in either decision? And how do I keep safe and healthy wile doing so.
Thanks,
Thanks,
Hi,
I'm Kat. I'm reletively new to this community and reletively new to pm, but not to dealing with pain. I've struggled with it for most of my adult life. I have also struggled with the same feelings you have described about taking pain medication. I still feel guilty almost every time I go to my bottle to take my medication, but it's getting better. One thing that has really helped me is working through these feelings with a therapist. We have worked on accepting pain as a part of my life and the feelings of guilt. We have identified the things that I want - time with my family, the ability to play with my kids, attend their events, cook, garden etc......and that the fact of the matter is that right now pain medication allows me to do those things. I tend to allow people's judgements and the stigma of opiate pm to creep in and make me feel guilty too much. I battle with it a lot. The other thing that helps me to know that I'm not only "taking drugs" to deal with pain is reminding myself that I do other things to cope with pain - heat, physical therapy, excercise, creams, therapy....etc.
I am glad that you have reached out to this group for support. Everyone here is great. You are definately not alone! Welcome! :)
Kat
I'm Kat. I'm reletively new to this community and reletively new to pm, but not to dealing with pain. I've struggled with it for most of my adult life. I have also struggled with the same feelings you have described about taking pain medication. I still feel guilty almost every time I go to my bottle to take my medication, but it's getting better. One thing that has really helped me is working through these feelings with a therapist. We have worked on accepting pain as a part of my life and the feelings of guilt. We have identified the things that I want - time with my family, the ability to play with my kids, attend their events, cook, garden etc......and that the fact of the matter is that right now pain medication allows me to do those things. I tend to allow people's judgements and the stigma of opiate pm to creep in and make me feel guilty too much. I battle with it a lot. The other thing that helps me to know that I'm not only "taking drugs" to deal with pain is reminding myself that I do other things to cope with pain - heat, physical therapy, excercise, creams, therapy....etc.
I am glad that you have reached out to this group for support. Everyone here is great. You are definately not alone! Welcome! :)
Kat
I also try to do other options for pain. Maybe I need to look at it the way you do. The meds do greatly help me live my life. I also have issues with them. I cannot change the facts. Maybe I am putting to much time into the idea that I shouldnt take the med's, and not enough time on why I take them. Ive just spent many too many days in this struggle and want to be at peace, with me.
Thanks Kat..... Very Much....
Thanks Kat..... Very Much....
Welcome! Congratulations on being able to control the meds and overcoming your misuse of them. I can only imagine that it is hard to do. You are definetly not alone in being in pain. It's so frustrating when surgeries fail and medicine can't do anything more to help.
One thing I would caution you about is not taking the meds at all for days at a time. I understand that it proves to yourself that you can stop taking the meds, but it can cause your pain to increase a lot as I'm sure you've noticed and then it's so hard to get back to "normal". I can only imagine the hell that it feels like every time. I do understand wanting to keep your tolerance down, but for that some people take "med vacations" where they slowly taper off then slowly increase the dose again. It sounds like you're putting yourself through withdrawls again and again.
As a PM patient, myself, I definetly understand the feeling of having to rely on medication to function, however, there is a big difference between being addicted to medication and being dependant on medication. Everyone who takes opiates long term for pain is dependent on the medication. Just as anyone who takes insulin for diabetes is dependent on the insulin. Personally, I feel no guilt when I take my medications because I need them to function. I do get frustrated that I need medication to live my life, but I am frustrated at having to take any medication, opiate or not.
We have a wonderful forum here on MH, the Substance Abuse forum, and some of the members there have dealt with addiction in the past and take opiates for pain relief. They are very knowlegeable about how to deal with taking meds in your situation as well.
I don't think anyone should have to suffer through chronic pain regardless of our past, but I do understand that it can be conflicting for someone whos had issues with meds in the past. We're always here to talk to and offer support!
One thing I would caution you about is not taking the meds at all for days at a time. I understand that it proves to yourself that you can stop taking the meds, but it can cause your pain to increase a lot as I'm sure you've noticed and then it's so hard to get back to "normal". I can only imagine the hell that it feels like every time. I do understand wanting to keep your tolerance down, but for that some people take "med vacations" where they slowly taper off then slowly increase the dose again. It sounds like you're putting yourself through withdrawls again and again.
As a PM patient, myself, I definetly understand the feeling of having to rely on medication to function, however, there is a big difference between being addicted to medication and being dependant on medication. Everyone who takes opiates long term for pain is dependent on the medication. Just as anyone who takes insulin for diabetes is dependent on the insulin. Personally, I feel no guilt when I take my medications because I need them to function. I do get frustrated that I need medication to live my life, but I am frustrated at having to take any medication, opiate or not.
We have a wonderful forum here on MH, the Substance Abuse forum, and some of the members there have dealt with addiction in the past and take opiates for pain relief. They are very knowlegeable about how to deal with taking meds in your situation as well.
I don't think anyone should have to suffer through chronic pain regardless of our past, but I do understand that it can be conflicting for someone whos had issues with meds in the past. We're always here to talk to and offer support!
Hello Livngr8ful,
Welcome to our Pain Management Forum. I am glad that you found us. I certainly can appreciate your concerns with life-long opiate need. It's one of the many challenges that we chronic pain patients must face and deal with in our own time and manner.
You are not alone. Your concerns are like so many of us that face the realization that this is our life. We reach that realization at various times in this journey. Some of us can accept it with little problems for others it's seems to be a mountainous decision or acceptance. Obviously the reasons behind how we react is based on our past experiences.
I am guessing that the reason you need to have drug holidays is just as you said, to prove you are able to control the opiates and reassure yourself that they are not controlling you. However those drug holidays cause you significant pain and agony, not only physically but certainly it has to take an emotional toll on you as well as your family.
If you find this near impossible to accept have you thought of some therapy with a pain therapist?...Or even any good therapist can be beneficial.
From the outside looking in the way you are trying to manage your chronic pain seems counter-productive and very painful. The decision appears simply. You greatly need pain management....so take the opiates. Easy for me to say...but apparently difficult for you to accept. Think about the unnecessary trauma you are placing on your already traumatized body. The ups and downs of pain control or non-pain control that you are experiencing by choice is not conducive to the goal of long term pain management. My heart goes out to you.
I don't recommend that you continue with this yo-yo. Whatever it takes to help you make the decision that faces you I encourage you to do so. Please feel free to keep in touch and share your challenges with us. We will do our best to offer you support and suggestions. I wish you the very best and admire your courage.
Take Care,
~Tuck
Welcome to our Pain Management Forum. I am glad that you found us. I certainly can appreciate your concerns with life-long opiate need. It's one of the many challenges that we chronic pain patients must face and deal with in our own time and manner.
You are not alone. Your concerns are like so many of us that face the realization that this is our life. We reach that realization at various times in this journey. Some of us can accept it with little problems for others it's seems to be a mountainous decision or acceptance. Obviously the reasons behind how we react is based on our past experiences.
I am guessing that the reason you need to have drug holidays is just as you said, to prove you are able to control the opiates and reassure yourself that they are not controlling you. However those drug holidays cause you significant pain and agony, not only physically but certainly it has to take an emotional toll on you as well as your family.
If you find this near impossible to accept have you thought of some therapy with a pain therapist?...Or even any good therapist can be beneficial.
From the outside looking in the way you are trying to manage your chronic pain seems counter-productive and very painful. The decision appears simply. You greatly need pain management....so take the opiates. Easy for me to say...but apparently difficult for you to accept. Think about the unnecessary trauma you are placing on your already traumatized body. The ups and downs of pain control or non-pain control that you are experiencing by choice is not conducive to the goal of long term pain management. My heart goes out to you.
I don't recommend that you continue with this yo-yo. Whatever it takes to help you make the decision that faces you I encourage you to do so. Please feel free to keep in touch and share your challenges with us. We will do our best to offer you support and suggestions. I wish you the very best and admire your courage.
Take Care,
~Tuck
I think you just hit the nail on the head. Ive been complicating my life by opinions of other people. I have always been judged about the medication. With that said, I have a tendency to hide it or be secretive. This leads to issues. I try to be open about it, but the judgment flows. People offer all the options. Do they think I am stupid? Ive taken a very active roll in my care. Ive done everything under the sum to help my pain. Im sure we have all ran into the doctors saying "Im not gonna touch you." What is this? I have a good primary care doc that listens well. We have a good honest relationship. But when I get referd for alternate treatment everyone has said no to it. Ive even had PT's say no, because of how my back is. What happened to caring people in the medical field. They are just as quick to judge. Even the nurses in my doc's office do it. It is always "why are you taking this you should stop". Its not that simple. I can take it or not. Ive gotten over the abuse issues by simply being pro-active. I dont want the dependency on the meds, but it comes with the territory. They act as if there is some simple fix to this. How do ya fix 5 failed spine surgeries? Sever the nerves and be in a wheel chair? Thats what I was avoiding in the first place. We have a right to be pain free. I have a right to be pain free. Im just so spent on the judgment. People can take meds for high blood pressure right? Why cant I take medications for the 15 inches of metal rods I have in my back,? Its not going to get better, i can except that. I cant deal with the judgment.
I am open and honest, but there is a medium, in which you don't broadcast your use, but you don't hide it either. Kind of like your big toe- it's not like you're reporting its existance to every passer-by, but if you were to take off your shoes in public and someone noticed it was there, you would not be bothered.
Because embarassment really does indicate a problem. And you don't have a problem, right? You're getting your prescriptions legally? You're compliant with your pain doctor's office protocols? You're taking them as directed? Then there is NOTHING to be embarassed about. NOTHING.
And not to horrify you on your own thread, but most women get experience in this early in life. We have to go into drug stores and buy "hygiene products." Which mean we are dirty. And we do so with HORROR, begging our mothers to do it for us (and our mothers refuse, because even they were still embarrassed). Until silly commercials took the mystery out of them, it was the scariest aisle in the grocery store. We know what we're talking about! ;) ;) ;)
Because embarassment really does indicate a problem. And you don't have a problem, right? You're getting your prescriptions legally? You're compliant with your pain doctor's office protocols? You're taking them as directed? Then there is NOTHING to be embarassed about. NOTHING.
And not to horrify you on your own thread, but most women get experience in this early in life. We have to go into drug stores and buy "hygiene products." Which mean we are dirty. And we do so with HORROR, begging our mothers to do it for us (and our mothers refuse, because even they were still embarrassed). Until silly commercials took the mystery out of them, it was the scariest aisle in the grocery store. We know what we're talking about! ;) ;) ;)
Yes yes, I am by the book. I do all as instructed. Its not really embarrassment, its fear of negative judgment. You are right, it doesnt need to be out there. The people whom this directly effects are in the loop. I think I need to stop caring about what others think. I think Ive been looking for the impossible. I want people to understand and know the pain. I want them to look and say "yup take em'". But they really have no precedence in this. I guess sometimes I look around and think I am so different than everyone. Like im an alien and dont belong there because of this. Hey a thought! I just need to grow up, and accept this as it is. Im beating myself to death with the cycle im keep my self on. Just get use to it and move on. Random people really dont care about my issues.
You are definetly not alone in being judged by people who have no business knowing or judging. I think all CP patients have experienced family members and health "professionals" who feel they have a right to say something about our medications. The nurse at the doctor's office should be reported for telling you not to take your prescribed medication.
I just wanted to add that part of taking our medications as prescribed is taking them. A lot of times we feel like as long as we're not taking more than prescribed we're following the rules, but you can get in trouble for not taking your meds, too. Some people have been discharged from PM from not testing positive on urine drug screens and it would be awful for that to happen to you with all you've been through.
This is a great forum for supporting eachother and sharing our journey with CP. I hope you'll continue to post and keep us updated.
I just wanted to add that part of taking our medications as prescribed is taking them. A lot of times we feel like as long as we're not taking more than prescribed we're following the rules, but you can get in trouble for not taking your meds, too. Some people have been discharged from PM from not testing positive on urine drug screens and it would be awful for that to happen to you with all you've been through.
This is a great forum for supporting eachother and sharing our journey with CP. I hope you'll continue to post and keep us updated.
Very good point. I will just stick with my med's keep them in control and stop beating the cra$ out of my self. Because thats all im doing. I have 2 good weeks then 3 bad ones. I just may as well keep them good. Thank you all!! very much. It does help to have supportive people that have been there. Your abilities to manage these stresses have helped me. For the first time in a long while I've became comfortable with this. I know Im not bad, I just hurt and I dont want to. And Im not going to, I have now made the choice to live as pain free as I can safley............
I am glad that you have made you feel comfortable with pain management. As I said for some of us it is more difficult to "accept." It was tough for me also.
And yes I think we all still get the judgemental looks and wise cracks of family and friends. That part doesn't get a lot easier. I am usually successful at chalking it up to ignorance.
Of course you are not bad. Your past has influence upon how you perceive pain management, that's normal. It will get easier. You are always welcome to chart with us any time. Our members are a great source of information and support.
We'll look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Don't suffer needlessly. Take your meds! :o)
~Tuck
And yes I think we all still get the judgemental looks and wise cracks of family and friends. That part doesn't get a lot easier. I am usually successful at chalking it up to ignorance.
Of course you are not bad. Your past has influence upon how you perceive pain management, that's normal. It will get easier. You are always welcome to chart with us any time. Our members are a great source of information and support.
We'll look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Don't suffer needlessly. Take your meds! :o)
~Tuck
Hi there, I saw in your post you have very authentic reasons to be in chronic pain. One of the worst experiences a chronic pain patiant can have is the terrible ups,and downs from month to month both physically, and then psycologically. I have found over many years less is best. I say this because as a chronic pain patiant most likely the reality is I will have to take my meds. unfortunately for the rest of my life. The goal is to live a productive life completing one possitive goal after the other. I started with small goals then went to larger ones. I say all this because even though my health keeps me from doing strenuous physical things I still do what I can to keep my brain accupied. I volunteer at local funtions ext.When people saw this most of the judgment stopped, and through the years I have fully gained 95% controll over my life. Still though I have room for improving. Now I have the full suport of my family, and that alone is a god send. They know I need my pain medication, and it was up to me and my Dr. to make the serious, and tough dicission of what medications keep my brain receptors in a strict balance. I cant take oxycontin. It takes my dopamine, norneprinephrine, and serotonin, and puts it in a tale spin. So I use the fentanyl patch. I will be honest they are alot of work to keep them from falling off, but once I learned the proper methods they have changed my life I still get my IR's ,but now I go through life, and don't think about all the negative thoughts that I used to go through with the other meds. I no longer feel controlled by my medications. I controll them. I will atmit their are no silver bullets when it comes to strong opiod medication, but its nice to have my pain under somewhat around a 6, but more than that its nice to wake up every day, and have STRUCTURE back in my life. This was not an easy accomplishment, and it took me nearly loosing everything in the disability proccess, and seeing my father on his death bed fighting to make it through quadrupal opened heart surgery to aquire the moment of my life to say to my self I'm tired of this rollercoaster from hell, and get the discipline that was required to get my life back. Now that I truely have all the things I lost back in my life I look at life a total 360 degrees from what I once did. I want you to know I am no Dr., and these words to you are just my opinion on going through more than you realize in this post. I also want you to know I do not judge people no matter the circumstance. No one is perfect, and I know all to well that I'm sure not ,and will never pretend to be. If you ever want to talk to me I would be glad to speak with you. I want you to know I really wish you the very best of life, and health always. Sincerely, Paingotago
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They should feel guilty. They are sidelining these necessary medications from people who really need them, creating the need for a system that is so strict that sometimes people in severe pain can't get anything to help, and give pain medications such a bad name that the rest of us feel like we need to put a sign on our backs that points out our issues before we can take them.
You? You have legitmate need for a medication. It can help you. If you're able to take these vacations, or even consider it, I doubt you're on the path to addiction, Your body needs to be able to function witout the burden of pain- the hormonal/chemical burden pain puts on your body is horrific. Let your body have what it needs!