Finally did it!

[dontundertand]

Well, last night proved too much. I've been called names too many times. Told I can't think for myself, yet being told what to do constantly. So enough was enough. I kicked him out. Well, funny how I kicked him out but ended up on my moms futon. Took the kids over to go swimming without fighting with him. While I was there I just decided I wasn't going back. Left the kids with mom while she fed and bathed them and I went home to collect clothes, bookbags, and such. I've decided this pain isn't going to go away and is only going to keep getting worse if I keep allowing him to stress me like that. You would not believe some of the things he's done. And yes while I was there he hid my work laptop, busted my lip and it wasn't until I called my dad to come over to help that he returned the laptop, apologized, and let me leave. My dad's going out of town today so I can stay with mom a few days without imposing and then I guess we'll go from there. I know he doesn't want a divorce, I know I can't stay living in misery especially with him saying I've turned myself into a guinea pig, I'm a pill head, and on and on. He would be desperately trying any and everything to get out of pain too. But whatever. And to top it off apparently I'm a wimp. I had my last child with no meds. No epidural, no nothing. To me that is NOT a wimp. So whatever. I'm now going to try and move on while I still have a little bit of sanity left.

[mellie4]

Big hugs to you.  Now, STAY MAD at him.  I lived this and more.  I should have left way sooner than I did.  He always manipulated me into coming back.  As a result, my kids saw way too much and I'm trying to still undo the damage ... and they're amazing kids.

I don't know if he ever hit you before, but if he didn't, I can guarantee, he WILL do it again.  Maybe not for a week, a month, or a year, but it will happen again.  He's a bully.  The verbal abuse is just as bad, maybe worse.

This will be hard.  I'm three years out and I'm still trying to put my life back together.  Just remember that YOU are worth it.  You alone are worth living a stress-free life.  Factor in the kids, and realize that they don't need to be around someone like that.

Now, I agree you should get a restraining order and I agree you should file charges.  But I also know it can be very difficult to put your kids' dad in jail.  Whatever you decide to do, I'll support you in any way I can.

If you can afford it, get a lawyer.  I didn't and I wish I had, if only that it saved me from having to deal directly with him during the divorce process.  With a lawyer I would have had a buffer.

Better days are coming!

xox

[dontundertand]

Thank you guys SO MCUH!!! Yeah, I left so he would have time to get his stuff together> I'v going back Friday night. I don't think he has any legal right to take the house from me. georgia is a nto a community sate and I bought the house before we got married. His name is not onit :)

Again ladies, tnk you for all your AMAZING support and adivece!

[JadedSweetheart]

I'm with everyone else on the documentation and restraining order.  Sandee is right about getting back into the house and making him leave.  I left my ex because of his behavior, he even pushed me down and would physically hold my cell phone above my head (like a child on the playground) where I couldn't reach it so I tried to climb up him to get the phone and filed an Assault and Battery on ME.  The police were rolling their eyes at him and it was thrown out, but it's true that desperate people do desperate things.  
Because I was the one who left the house, he got the right in court to stay in the house.  That made the whole child custody thing harder, too.
Point being, get your house back and make him leave.  It will be the best thing for you and the children in the long run.

You are so brave to have gotten out of that terrible situation.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[RunningMom]

I'm so very sorry for all the troubles you are going through.  My ex husband was very verbally abusive and was on the verge of physical abuse.  He had been in trouble in the past for physical abuse.  I got up and left too.  I was looking for an excuse and finally had one when he tried to cheat on me with my best friend.  My ex was always telling me how fat and stupid I was and STILL does to this day.  He told my daugther this past weekend that it's my fault for his miserable life and I left him 15 years ago.  Unbelievale!  You need to stay strong and not go back.  He will continue to act like this and it is not a good example for the children.  Please don't view yourself as imposing on your parents.  I'm sure they are happy you are there and out of that bad situation.  I never called the police on my ex, but I should have.  He held me hostage in our apartment one time, then almost killed my daughter and I on the freeway.  He slammed his breaks in front of me at 75mph.  Ugh, those were some bad times.  Please let us know how your doing.  If you ever need to talk, you can pm me too.  I've been through something similar to this too.

[melissaky]

I agree with everyone you need to go to the police about this .Also as Sandee said have a restraining order put on him .You and your children shouldn't have to move out he should .If he is behaving this way there is no telling what else he may do .I am in fear for you and your children .If he knows that it's over he may do something drastic .Please go to the police .I will keep you and your children in my prayers .You are doing the right thing in leaving him .That shows how courageous you are .

Take care
Melissa

[namnam46]

Oh Honey,

I'm so very sorry that you are having to go through this horrible ordeal.  I'm very glad that you were able to get away as it could have been MUCH worse.

Dont - EVERYONE on here has given you EXCELLENT advice with how to go about each Legal Process that needs to be accomplished to get you away from him PERMANENTLY!! I hope that you can find yourself a GOOD Lawyer and get things going quickly. I KNOW that it all seems so overwhelming right now but an attorney can help you navigate what needs to be done.  And don't forget about Legal Aide as they can help you for NEXT to nothing.  They DEFINITELY can help you get it done.

I agree that one of the FIRST things that you NEED to do is to file a Police Report about your busted lip as it DOES need to be documented IMMEDIATELY.  Heaven forbid that ANYTHING else would happen, BUT if it does that's on the RECORD with the Police!!  ANd don't forget about a RESTRAINING ORDER.  It's going to be imperative for you to protect you!!

Dont, you are one of the MOST courageous and brave young women that I've ever known.  I'm SO very proud that I can call you a Friend of mine!!!  I am TRULY HONORED!!

PLEASE stay in touch here and keep us updated. IF there is ANYTHING at all that we can do for you, you KNOW that we will.  One thing is for sure and that is that we are HERE for you ALWAYS!!!

I'm sending you MEGA ((((HUGS!!))))..........Sherry

[Jaybay]

One more thing to add on to your already-too-long to-do list - get medical attention for that lip and make sure the doctor writes down how it happened.  Also have someone take photos.  All that is evidence - if it comes down to a court battle.  A restraining order wouldn't hurt either.  It won't exactly protect you, but if he starts harrassing you the police have more reason to act on a call.

Give yourself a huge high five, fist bump, hug, and a gold star for getting out while the getting was good.  You've got nowhere to go but UP from now on!  :-)

[sandee1818]

I am glad you left but you should have called the law instead of your Father so he would be in jail now.
I only have a minute so I will write more later but something comes to mind that I think you should know. You should have made him leave as now if you go to court he will say you left and the judge may order to let him stay in the home since you vacated (with good reason). I do not know entirely how these things work but I would go and get a restraining order so you can go home and he will not be allowed to. If he does call the law.
The children should not have to be put out of their home because their Dad is acting the way he is.
You should press charges against him for hitting you there is never an excuse for that ever!
I am very glad you and your children are safe:)

[troubleinohio]

oh boy does this hit close to home for me. I will PM you later, I dont have time to write now, but I will say this--- we have a lot in common and I know what you are going through!

[JadedSweetheart]

I have read somewhere that men don't feel pain like women do because of testosterone levels.  Higher testosterone helps one deal with pain.  
On the other hand, if they had to go through pregnancy and childbirth their hearts would give out.  We have the upper hand there.  

[Mollyrae]

Hi:

Busted your lip? Why isn't he in jail? That's where he deserves to be. You are brave not to go back to him. I have endured some of what you have gone through with the name calling. I have never been physically wounded but definitely emotionally hurt and many times.
For the longest time, my Husband didn't understand my illness or my pain. It has taken many years to achieve that. He understands more now than he ever has and has eased up in regards to my taking pain meds.
Men are afraid of what they don't know or understand. Your Husband along with mine didn't or doesn't understand the pain process, that is..why you have pain, why you have to take pain meds...heck, he doesn't so why should you? He can handle it, so why can't you?
I don't know why many men think like that. Maybe it was in the way they were brought up. Or the stigma of "men can handle it, they're strong" type feelings.
For you and your Children's sake, I hope you don't go back for any reason. he needs help and you cannot give him that type of help.
It will hurt for a while and you might get lonely but think of how much better off you are. No one is calling you names anymore, hitting you. It's time for you to get your self esteem back.

My very best,
Mollyrae

[optimus22mac]

Thank goodness you have made this decision! And thanks so much for leaning on us here at this forum...this is such a great place to be:) Don't hesitate to post ANYTHING! We are here for support...and you are going through a MAJOR life change.  Please remember--if you ever start questioning what you are doing....he BUSTED YOUR LIP....AND HELD YOU BASICALLY HOSTAGE.  This is not normal behaviour.  It is VERY WRONG ABNORMAL behaviour...I'm sure you know that.  No matter how hard the next few weeks/months/years are....you will be in a better place than you were.  You are doing the right thing for your children.  I will be thinking of you, and please lean on us....post here, send notes, messages...whatever you need to get through this:)

[JadedSweetheart]

Any man that puts his hands on you in anger doesn't deserve to have you.  I had the issues with my ex of him hiding my things and taking my things while I was sleeping, etc.  It was like a circus.  
Good for you for getting out.  It takes a lot of strength to leave a bad situation like you have.  You are most definetly NOT a wimp.  Anyone who constantly tries to put you down is just envious of your strength and wants to make you feel as weak as they are.  Toxic people only add stress to our lives and don't contribute anything good.  They are not good for us and we don't need them in our lives.  
Hang in there, girl!  It will be hard for a little while, but it will get better.  We are all here if you need to talk!

[geminigirl1963]

I congratulate you for making this very difficult step.  I know it's got to be very hard on you and the kids, but I think it's going to be for the best in the long run.  We all know how added stress can make our pain worse and you certainly have had your share of that!

I would say, IF you find that you need to go back to the house for anything, be sure and get police escort to go with you.  You simply need to tell them that when you went to teh house before to get your and your kids' belongings, he not only caused you physical harm, but was basically holding you hostage since you said he wouldn't let you leave until your dad came over.  The police can make it safe for you to be able to enter the house and get whatever you need for yourself or your children.  It is probably a good idea, also, to place a report with the police about him busting your lip - even if you don't want to press charges, at least it will be on record that there has been physical violence.

I know you probably don't want to do it, but if you find you need to, there are women and children's shelters out there for battered women.  Even if you don't want/need to stay IN the shelter, they could possibly have some resources available to help you find a place of your own and possibly some therapy available for you and your children to help you get through this rough time.

Believe me, YOU ARE NOT A WIMP!!!  YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY STRONG WOMAN FOR TAKING THIS DIFFICULT STEP!  And I congratulate you!

Best of luck and please keep us posted on how you're doing.