FRUSTRATION!

[runningmom3]

My son had his 5th Birthday on Friday.  He has been urine trained for the past year or so but he refuses to have bowel movements in the toilet.  He doesn't ask for a diaper, doesn't have a bowel movement at the same time of day or anything that helps indicate when he needs to go.  He will just suddenly be poopy.  About a year ago, we put him back in pull ups because we were so frustrated with cleaning up messy pants - he responded by no longer using the toilet at all.  Now, he wears big boy underwear all the time and just messes his pants every day (sometimes twice a day).  He is lactose intolerant and has suffered chronic diarrehea his entire life (not fun to clean up!!!).  We have tried every reward I can think of, we have tried completely ignoring the issue, we have about every poopy book they make, and nothing seems to help.  I feel very desperate!!!!!  

[runningmom3]

Thank you for your input!  We have taken him to the doctor and she said that due to his lactose intolerance issues, he has probably had painful bowel movements with lots of gas pains.  She advised us to be very strict about dairy products and give him fiber to help bulk things up.  This was almost a year ago - I have made an appointment to take him back in.  He is very embaressed about it!  He only messes at home - he has held it for 4 days, so we know it is not a control issue.  When I talk to him about he just says, "I will do it when I am a Daddy."  He seems to feel that it is just too hard for him.  It is like he has given up but he is not happy about it and it is a source of anxiety for him.  It is killing me, watching him go through this and I feel so helpless.  I don't know if you are religious, but I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent praying for guidance on this issue!  I think your idea regarding having him tell me when he has had an accident and then rewarding his telling me is a good idea.  Maybe we can start to build some positive emotions for him regarding the whole situation that way.  THANKS!

[SL345]

Try placing your son on a toileting schedule - for example, sitting him on the toilet for 10 minutes after every meal. He may not be motivated by positive consequences given how long this has gone on. Does he only mess at home, or at school, too? Does he talk about it? Is he embarrassed by it? Does he want to change this problem? Try to get a promise from him that he will try to work on this. Give him specific things he needs to do - for example, beginning with telling you that he messed, so that he can eventually move toward telling you when he needs to use the toilet. Has his pediatrician indicated if there are any medical treatments that might be helpful or if you should consult a specialist (pediatric gastroenterologist)? This is a problem you need to take seriously at this age (as it seems you are) as it can lead to psychological and soiling problems later in life.